Understanding parental advice

[Sitara]

I spend a lot of my time focusing on how to be a better mom so I read a lot of advice and parenting tips.  One of them that always confused me was when toddlers are misbehaving, it's suggested to redirect their attention.  It didn't make sense to me because it felt like it was ignoring the issue.  It just hit me today the point behind that - it's not merely a distraction tactic, it's meant to teach them appropriate ways to deal with their thoughts and feelings!  I can't believe I didn't see that point until now. 

I realized this because my 1.5 year old has been hitting/throwing things a lot lately, and today it was balls at my head, so I set up a game for him to try and throw balls in a basket instead of my head, and that's when I realized it.

This was just such an eye-opener because I wasn't taught how to deal with things other than to just do the behavior that my mom wanted and stuff my feelings.  I find some of the parent advice hard because often they just say "do this" but don't necessarily go into why or what it is you're teaching your kids by doing that.  I find it easier to apply things to my everyday life when I actually understand the whys.

[Legacymaker]

Sitara,

Your message made me think about your statement metaphorically.

my 1.5 year old has been hitting/throwing things a lot lately, and today it was balls at my head,

I wonder how many of us just sit in place and let our BPD other, "throw balls at our heads"!  The "balls" could be many things:  they range from abrasive words to  abusive assaults. 

We have been conditioned to sit still and take whatever our (insert mother, father, sibling or significant other here) dishes out.  Our family members have not had or choosed to learn the tools, to teach us differently, so they expect us to sit and take it!

Today you opened a book (or met a friend, or watched another parent, etc.) that showed you a different way of doing things.

Today you realized it hurt having balls thrown at your head and it was no longer fun, so you learned to change the direction that the balls were being thrown.

Today you turned a negative behavior into the positive skill of self discipline!  Today, you should be very proud of all that you are learning 

[Sitara]

I wonder how many of us just sit in place and let our BPD other, "throw balls at our heads"!  The "balls" could be many things:  they range from abrasive words to  abusive assaults.

What a great way to look at it!  And now I have quite the amusing picture in my head of my mom throwing children's toys at me.

[Legacymaker]

now I have quite the amusing picture in my head of my mom throwing children's toys at me.

I wonder what would happen if we all kept that image handy (in our own psyche) and the next time our BPD person started raging, instead of reacting, we could pull forth that amusing image and laugh instead. 

I know that would certainly throw my mother off guard!

[lucyhoneychurch]

Toddlers - alot of age appropriate exasperating stuff going on it seems like all day .  I had to train myself as a young mom, with a son age 2 when his lovely little sister came along, who was his shadow and yet his exact opposite in personality and spunk and *pushing the limits*  even that young... . the only parenting patterns I knew were my mother's "I will get on the child's level and retaliate" like the kid was personally plotting against her doing completely baby-like or child-like things - again age appropriate - to my father's detached could-care-less uninvolved indifference.

I had to learn how to handle a million "why's?" because babies and children ask that ALOT. I had to remind myself that when they pitched a fit they were either tired, hungry, angry, or just needing some cuddle time. I could address each of those when I let myself see the sweet little child in front of me struggling to get through his or her day just like I was (stay at home mom, very lucky to do that).

Whining - what would've earned me and my siblings a beating, and where my mother would harangue when she'd visit and hear it and I'd tell her to butt out, I was dealing with it - when they're clingy and whining and you're really on your last nerve, what I found helped was saying, "When you talk like big boy hit_ ( his name) or big girl (hers), I will listen to you." And then went about doing whatever it was activity - dishes, laundry, but the minute I could see a shift in their approach, as they saw I wouldn't cave to the whining, I met them right there with what they needed - not what they were necessarily nagging about or for ... . but they were very aware I heard them and loved them.

Time outs - wow, did this work with my 2nd child. She didn't have an agenda, she was a busy curious pushy little girl who wanted to do this or that instantly and would give me grief about not letting her have it. That's not a sin (my mother thought otherwise and had it in for her nonstop).

When she'd cross a line, rather than the annihilating verbal and physical assaults we would've gotten, she was told to sit right here, and age appropriate timers set - she was 3, I'd set the kitchen timer for 4 minutes - 60-second minutes are long enough for us adults, why sabotage the kid with any time they can't handle?

My adult children, now parents themselves, talk about telling toddler infants same things... . I think I broke through all kinds of training that was so erroneous about kids' motives (my mother's approach is what I mean) and just see them as folks who are sometimes without proper communication skills or tired or frustrated.

The payoffs to seeing them re-arrange their responses to the word "no" or "not now" were great.  Because they sensed and grasped that I was looking out for them, that someone was in control in a good way, and taking care of them.

My late mother would mouth the words "I love you" but my god, her actions constantly proved otherwise. It has been amazing for almost 30 years to put those words into real context for the most precious people in this world to me. And see them passing that training along.

Redirect is exactly the loving approach to toddler bursts of temporary insanity .  Whereas our mother would've responded in kind or worse, we can be the bigger person. I mean... . when the other person is a 2-yr-old how hard can that be, no matter how worn down we are in the throes of it all?   

you're on a good path.

[Legacymaker]

Awww what a great response Lucyhoneychurch!

I remember how hard I had to work to do things "differently"!  I swore I would NEVER hit my children.  I remember one Grandparent saying to me, "I hope I live long enough to see how this turns out".  Thankfully he did.

I have journals full of thoughts sent to myself, reminding me that criticism would kill my children's spirit and that I NEEDED to learn to do things differently.

It has been amazing for almost 30 years to put those words into real context for the most precious people in this world to me. And see them passing that training along.

You are so right Lucy, when you get to the adult years and see your children exude peace, compassion and gentleness in their own relationships, then you know that you have done it well. 

Mine too, were my greatest gifts.  When the kids were little, they use to get a lot of attention for good manners and behaviors.  This translated into plenty of positive parenting messages for me.  I was always very uncomfortable with these messages.  I use to tell people, "please don't praise me until my job is done and that won't be until they are adults".  I felt that until I saw my son's pass these wonderful behaviors on to their spouses or children, I could never take credit for the job that I had done.  I expected myself to learn to do things differently and I worked at that daily. I had to unlearn many things.

At ages 26, 24 and 21, I am now seeing so many good character traits in my sons.  I have tremendous pride in them.  Knowing that I wanted a different outcome,  I chose to do things really differently.  The journals that my sons now write to me reflect so much joy and love for both of their parents! 

It is also the reason that when my mother recently projected onto me: "your children only love you because their father is alive", I crumbled.  It was about the most hurtful thing she could have said to me.  I must remember this is her jealousy speaking, not my reality.  I must remember how much difference it made to "do it differently"!

Keep up the great work Sitara!

[Sitara]

Wow, thanks for all the advice and support!  I also know I need to do things different, it's just hard some days to figure out how.  I'm never going to give up!  It's just too hard to think about doing anything that would make them feel like I do, and I'd do anything to keep it from happening.

[PleaseValidate]

Sitara, I don't have kids but I ALWAYS need to know the WHY about everything.

Not only does it help me remember better, but I credit growing up in such an unstable environment and getting answers like "because I said so" as the reason I can't/won't do nearly anything without reason.

This has not always been appreciated by bosses/management.  I finally realized I was destined to be self-employed! 

[Sitara]

This has not always been appreciated by bosses/management.

This made me giggle, but only because it's true! I've never really figured out where that drive to know came from.  Maybe it's because of her unpredictability, I really prefer to know what to expect, and figuring out the why makes me able to apply the knowledge so that I know what to expect in future similar situations.