Feel bad text I sent

[Rebuilding me]

We have been broken up three months, in that time I sent letters, a Christmas card, and text if she received my letter ( where in the p.s. ) I asked to at least acknowledge my letter to ease my heart! No response. For months I waited feeling she was just working on herself, or processing, this was before I knew of BPD. I texted  after Christmas asking to be removed from her family phone plan, which only  she could  let me out of. I texted that because she could treat me with such disdain, I was in such pain I had to cut all ties. No response. Last week i made a mistake by finding out she had been on match.com two weeks after our split. I sent another text saying I am under no legal obligation to pay and to release me so I could cut all ties and move on. She responded immediately and said she would do it the next day and apologized for the delay! I told her that night was the last night before the billing cycle restarted and she would have to pay for the whole month if she waited. No response.

Like an idiot last weekend I dug and found out she was talking with multiple men on match and set up a date with a complete stranger at the same time where she would have received my letter I put my heart and soul into. This being  right after the breakup. She still did not release me from the plan like she said she would. I was furious and wrote a note that called her out on everything she did and how sick I thought she was. I didn't send it, but yesterday I sent a text that said: "hey cold and heartless woman. Release me from the phone plan. This is the short and nice version. Trust me you don't want to receive the long version where I say what I really think about you! I want NOTHING to do with you!" I got a call from our provider within the hour. She did not just cut off my line, but allowed me to switch into my own line, which is nice I guess. I know I have no right to care what she does after we are split, and it is nothing compared to what other pwBPDs have done, but I was convinced that she was working on herself etc all that time. To find out that she was already moving on pretty immediately hurt, considering I was still trying to talk to her at the time. All this just shows me what type of person she is and how she deals with the loss of a 2 and a half year relationship. Makes me wonder what others she may have been involved with at the end.

I know it's all pointless but I feel bad for texting her that as it is completely out of my character, but I did accomplish getting my last attachment to her getting severed. It is real now and completely over, I feel bad that the story ends in harsh words from me as there is apart of me that will always want her to apologize for  her cold hearted ness . I know she was cold and heartless to me, why do I feel bad calling a spade a spade, even though I got what I wanted?  It's like I'm recycling again through my many emotions! I guess the real healing can start now, but I feel almost as bad as I did months ago!

[Moonie75]

You probably will get an apology one day!

A bullish!t one at some attempt to recycle you when she's having a dry spell, or some other jockey got wise & run before she could monkey branch!

Yup, filling your head lots of other crap about missing you, loving you yadda yadda yadda!

I've had lots of apologies. Waited few months each time, and they've been thoroughly worthless!

[Rebuilding me]

From what I have read I see they do apologize, but I called her out in a way! I see who she is now and although it's hard to get hard wired in my head, an apology although false would feel good, better than treating me like garbage and what we shared was meaningless. It is hard to face the facts, but the evidence is there. I know she is not right for me, and apart of me wants to believe that calling her out is good for her because I bet no one ever has! She is a master at deceit of how good she is, when I know how much pain she is in! I know I shouldn't care I can't change her, I'm a rescuer etc... . I'm just trying to not become cold hearted myself and my text to her was definetly a shot at her. I want to come out of this a better man, not with scars and jaded! I just want to hear I'm not  wrong in texting what I did  I guess? God I hate not being able to take control of my own mind and what I think of constantly! Remind me that I'm not the heartless one!

[Tausk]

Hey Rebuilding:   Hang in there.  It's so very hard.  Believe me I understand.  The weekend after we broke up, my ex was with a person she had been cultivating for the past year and half, while we were living together.  I understand your pain and it sucks.  And even understanding that she is ill, doesn't really lessen the pain at this moment.  And the pain was so intense that at times all I could do was be doubled up on the floor and moan.

But understanding helped me to move forward and eventually detach a little bit day by day.  Stay on the board, learn, vent, cry, scream, bargain, be depressed... . and repeat over and over and over... . and then I promise you it does get better.

We have a individual stories, but the patterns are so disturbingly similar, which is good because it also means that there is a path for recovery for us.  It means we have the right to hope for change and a better tomorrow.

It helped me to detach and depersonalize a bit when I began to understand that in the distorted/psycho/crazy/incomprehensible world of my ex gfwBPD, that she felt that she absolutely needed to find someone else as soon as possible, or she might cease to exist.  It's because she doesn't have a real sense of self, and because feeling alone or abandoned (often not true) means feeling that she might die. 

Think about a traumatized three year old, who lives a continuing nightmare of fear and terror, and whose only source of attachment leaves them alone in the middle of a city street.  That traumatized three year old is going to run and cling the first person who will take them.

This is what happened.  Over time, I've learned to accept this slowly and to understand her actions were not about me.  I just happened to be the person in line to be her dance partner, but the song is over, and it's the next guys turn.

Be in peace if you can.  Be safe no matter what. 

It will get better if you stay the course.

T

[Rebuilding me]

The evidence is there, but I can't seem to fully process it. I have gotten what I want and cut the last cord of connection, maybe why I have a resurgence of all emotions. I just want it to stop. This site helps but it's like I can't train my mind to not think about her, BPD or our relationship nonstop! It is making me mentally I'll and emotionally drained! It's like a horrible nightmare that I can't believe really happened!

[Tausk]

The evidence is there, but I can't seem to fully process it. I have gotten what I want and cut the last cord of connection, maybe why I have a resurgence of all emotions. I just want it to stop. This site helps but it's like I can't train my mind to not think about her, BPD or our relationship nonstop! It is making me mentally I'll and emotionally drained! It's like a horrible nightmare that I can't believe really happened!

It's the result of a trauma bond.  It's an addiction.  It's PTSD.  It's brutally painful.  It's ever pervasive and consumed every waking moment of my life for a while.  In short, It sucks donkey dongs!   But the good news is that others have gone through it before.   That didn't help me to lessen the pain, but it did help me to bear the pain, knowing that I had a proven path to heal.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Finding one really helped me.  I would suggest someone who understand trauma bonds with a BPD.

I am familiar with the pain and frustration.  Learning how to feel the feelings and process took time for me.  Learning about myself also took time.  And seeing my FOO issues took even more time.   But my work post breakup and in recovery has led to amazing growth.  My time with my ex was wasted as my efforts poured down the emotional garbage disposal that was my ex's being. 

Hang in there.  Look for the answers. They are there for you.

T

[Rebuilding me]

I don't have a therapist, but I think I may have find one. Thank you!

[Tausk]

I don't have a therapist, but I think I may have find one. Thank you!

I think that's a great idea.  

And I had to learn that sometimes, I am actually doing better than I feel.

For example, even if I feel like Sht right now, I got on the board, I'm thinking about how to move on, and open to the idea of seeing a counselor.  

If I look at myself from the outside perspective, I would say that I'm doing pretty good right now, and it's been a successful day, despite the fact that I'm dealing with difficult emotions.

Congrats to you on being the board and considering seeing a counselor.  It takes courage for that type of openness and self reflection.  It's a strength to ask for help.    

Your actions inspire in me courage and hope for myself.

T