Bitter, Angry, and Resentful... But Trying To Work It Out.

[ATLandon]

I've been with my uBPDw for close to ten years. Plenty of time to have developed dysfunctional habits, experienced emotional and physical abuse from my wife, got swallowed into then subsequently wallowed in the FOG, and then became a contributing part of the dysfunction in our relationship. I recently got sober again. Today marks one month of sobriety from alcohol! 

So I have been on here because once I got sober I started having a lot intense flashbacks from past issues with my uBPDw. I honestly don't like the way I feel about her right now because previous to my sobriety I felt fine about our relationship. But now I can't stop thinking about all the bad times (and there were plenty) between us over the last decade. As the subject says I am bitter, angry, and very resentful toward her for how my life has turned out. It could be much worst and I know that I contributed to the dysfunction but I still can't shake this feeling of resent towards her.

And evidently it is starting to show too. She has mentioned over the last couple days that I seem distant and she keeps asking if I'm angry at her about something. I deny it. Talking openly about it with her right now won't lead to anything good or productive in our relationship. I'm just having a hard time sorting through all these feelings. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me desperately wants to leave this relationship. Truthfully, I have wanted to let go since the beginning but something about her always pulls me in. In addition to strongly believing to sticking to commitments and feeling obligated to stay with her (she has no friends or immediate family that she keeps in touch with), she also threatened suicide a few years ago if I ever tried to leave. And I know she meant it. I also feel very resentful toward her because of that. Its f'ed up, illogical, and tiring... . but I love her.

I'd just like for her to admit that she has severely hurt and wronged me in the past but by doing so that would cripple her ego and that just isn't a capability due to her BPD. Yet I feel like that's what I need to move on from this bitterness. An honest and open confrontation about our wrongdoings in this relationship. I just feel stuck, because I know I'm staying in this relationship. I just don't want to feel so bitter and negative. Its unhealthy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi ATLandon,

And evidently it is starting to show too. She has mentioned over the last couple days that I seem distant and she keeps asking if I'm angry at her about something. I deny it. Talking openly about it with her right now won't lead to anything good or productive in our relationship. I'm just having a hard time sorting through all these feelings. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me desperately wants to leave this relationship. Truthfully, I have wanted to let go since the beginning but something about her always pulls me in. In addition to strongly believing to sticking to commitments and feeling obligated to stay with her (she has no friends or immediate family that she keeps in touch with), she also threatened suicide a few years ago if I ever tried to leave. And I know she meant it. I also feel very resentful toward her because of that. Its f'ed up, illogical, and tiring... . but I love her.

I fully get that you are angry and are processing a, I imagine long, list of disasters in the past decade. It is understandable that you are not interested and are probably also not able to discuss what goes through your head with your wife. That is ok too. However telling her that everything is ok while you radiate leave me alone is invalidating her sense that she is abandoned. Validating abandonment is one of the harder ones to do and invalidating it is easy but highly corrosive to the relationship and emotional stability.

I'd just like for her to admit that she has severely hurt and wronged me in the past but by doing so that would cripple her ego and that just isn't a capability due to her BPD. Yet I feel like that's what I need to move on from this bitterness. An honest and open confrontation about our wrongdoings in this relationship.

What if she will never get there? TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for family members

I just don't want to feel so bitter and negative. Its unhealthy.

Is it her you are concerned about or is it not really you, yourself that is keeping you from moving on? In the last decade you made a number of choices. Some good some in hindsight not so good. But did you know at the time? You tried your best or close to it. And for every error of judgement you made you paid a high price. So is it worth beating yourself up?

[TheBrokenReplay]

It sounds to me like the two of you need to learn a new language/dance to communicate. Setting boundaries means being honest with your own feelings and not stuffing them away. Your allowed to have them, but they need to be communicated and your feelings need to be validated. If she loves you she will care, just so long as you don't point fingers and hang on to the past. You need to simultaneously communicate your feelings, let go of the blame and try to forge ahead by discussing ways to avoid hurting one another. When things are hard I self validate my feelings while also validating the other persons feelings. I also keep repeating the same phrase in my head over and over again, "Be nice". I start with that and wait for her to calm down and the dust to settle. Then the true magic begins and we get closer than ever by talking very honestly about our feelings in a healthy non-threatening way. If you find that she disregards your feelings or does not seem to make any effort to actually act on previously discussed items then that would be you indication to consider leaving the relationship. So yes you do need to tell her your still hurt as that is the only way to forgive and move forward in a healthy manner together. Just be careful to pick a good time to communicate it in a way that doesn't invalidate her feelings or make direct accusations of intent on her end. Now that your not drinking the pain from the disregard for your feelings in the past and present is probably becoming very obvious to you. If she doesn't care about your feelings then perhaps this is not a healthy relationship for you.