Someone should always be to blame

[empathic]

A relatively minor incident this morning - my wife accidentally spilled a glass of water on herself when putting it away from the table. An honest mistake that could happen to anybody.

Her reaction? -"Look, this is what happens because I have to do everything around here!"

Even my kids reacted to it this time "you don't do everything?"

I have noticed this behaviour several times in the past. She can't own up to making mistakes (the shame?).

It makes me worried though - if this is her knee-jerk reaction to a very minor incident, what are the hopes of her actually changing for the better, when it comes to larger issues?

[Kifazes]

That sound soo familiar :-)

My BPDbf can't take blame for anything either.

It will always be me. Even if HE is late for HIS work, I'M the one to blame, cause I shouldn't dust off his alarm clock when I'm cleaning.

Just saying

[maxsterling]

One time my girlfriend slipped on the floor in the hallway coming out of the shower because her feet were wet.  She called me up at work to tell me, and said it was because she was startled because *I*had opened the blinds in the spare bedroom, and she realized the window was open.  Not taking responsibility = not realizing you have control over your own life = not knowing who you are = the core of BPD.

She will do things like that now and initially blame me or others, but quickly realize it was wrong.  But her initial reaction is to blame the external, and I doubt she will ever change.

[Pearl55]

When I was pregnant ( pre planned and completely agreed ). It was MY FAULT! I think you will get your answer empathic.

[maxen]

ohhhhhh maaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn

my w cannot now nor ever has been able to take responsibility for her actions or their consequences. innumerable examples, but one: getting into the car, we were taking a painting with us. i placed it against the car for a moment and she took out her keys and dropped them and scratched the picture. it was MY FAULT for putting the paining where it was.

and the "i do everything" language: i can't write about it because i'll melt down and punch the screen.

worse though is this:

It makes me worried though - if this is her knee-jerk reaction to a very minor incident, what are the hopes of her actually changing for the better, when it comes to larger issues?

my own experience, i'm sorry to say, is that she won't. i hope what happened to me doesn't happen to you: i'm usually on the leaving and legal boards, because she solved our marital problems with a campaign of deceit, and when faced with it she absolutely would not address it and accused me of acting morally superior because i had been honest throughout the marriage. as the NT says, the one dishonest in little things... .

[losinghope97]

In a very real way, my uBPDw is literally incapable of accepting blame or ownership of an issue in any way, shape or form.  Everything is someone else's fault, no matter how blatant or obvious the evidence is to the contrary.  This goes for major life issues all the way down to forgetting something at the store.  The worst part, however, is that over time everyone else inthe family has given up looking for her to accept responsibility when she has made a mistake (we just let it go), but watch out if one of us messes up (especially me, since the kids get a pass on small stuff).  We become the biggest "(fill in any suitable insult)" in the world and don't hear the end of it, sometimes forever.

Even in situations where both people bear some responsibility, she will not own the slightest piece of blame.  If the other person lays down the sword and accepts their responsibility, and most often way more than their share of responsibility, she will take advantage and shift all of the blame onto the other person, and make herself a victim and us the perpetrators for trying to suggest she should be at fault.

My kids are older teens now, and this dynamic has played out more and more as they get closer to adulthood and their own sense of right and wrong.  It has been hard to watch them struggle, which leaves me feeling very guilty.  The one positive, however, is that it has provided me with some perspective on her inability to deal with this aspect of life.  I know that she sincerely loves the kids, but is still uable to put herself in a situation where she will accept blame or own a part of a mistake.

My wife will never change. 

If your wife is cut from the same mold, Empathetic, the question becomes can you live a life where this is the ongoing dynamic?

[Pearl55]

Losinghope97

I always thought my husband is the best dad and that was one of the reason I put up with so much but in reality he's not the best dad and he's never able to love my son in a mature way.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

We were on vacation, in rare high spirits, when she spilled coffee on her lap. Naturally I was to blame for whatever reason followed by rage. JADE kicked in and she got over it the next day. I did check in afterwards what upset her, and she told me that I was not empathetic and cared what happened. The thing is that they perceived such thoughts and it was very real. Reality was that she had difficulty in taking the coffee cover off, and she didn't asked for help. In hindsight it was not her fault, but the way she dealt with the situation. I became mindful of her fear/shame to ask me for help doing a simple thing, told her to ask me in future, and try to offer my help when I can. The action as they say speaks louder than words. We can't anticipate what their actions will be in future, but we can be proactive to assure them that we are there if they need it. Everyone's condition and ability is different, I have accepted that simple tasks can be monumental for them, and that is theirs to deal with or not really, but radical acceptance comes in and we are prepared to do it. I'm not assuming that your incident was the same as mine, but their reaction is theirs and they can think or feel that an earthquake spilled the water. We don't have to accept their feelings or thoughts, but invalidating it doesn't help either. Easily said, uphill for sure putting it into practice.

A relatively minor incident this morning - my wife accidentally spilled a glass of water on herself when putting it away from the table. An honest mistake that could happen to anybody.

Her reaction? -"Look, this is what happens because I have to do everything around here!"

Even my kids reacted to it this time "you don't do everything?"

I have noticed this behaviour several times in the past. She can't own up to making mistakes (the shame?).

It makes me worried though - if this is her knee-jerk reaction to a very minor incident, what are the hopes of her actually changing for the better, when it comes to larger issues?

[empathic]

Interesting to read all your replies! I suspected this was a fairly common issue, when living with someone with BPD.

 

If your wife is cut from the same mold, Empathetic, the question becomes can you live a life where this is the ongoing dynamic?

Very good question. Something I'm thinking about 24/7 (yes, I even dream about it sometimes), but have yet to come to a decision on. It's affecting my job and life in general in a big way as I'm spending too much time thinking about it and researching it.

I'm certainly getting rather weary of it. And I'm weary of myself for being too nice and letting her get away with her behaviour. Like today, I'm doing her a big favor going out of my way to pick up a big delivery downtown. Most people would probably not do that without at least an explanation about her behaviour this past holiday when she yelled at me in front of the kids.

[Pearl55]

Empathic

I've spent more than 2 years on this subject and affected a lot on everything but I really had to understand who is my husband. I don't regret for that time but I think for most posts in L2 non borderlines think BPD is an issue or problem of individuals!

When I first read the title of this book " I hate you don't leave me" I knew my husband is not an individual regarding to EMOTIONS. Then I went to a psychiatrist and asked him to prove me my husband is insane ALL THE TIME. He did really helped me to understand this disorder and then then to move on.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

[waverider]

It is normal, but it is still a symptomatic knee jerk reaction which is based in defensive insecurity.

The task is not to address this issue but work on them feeling more safe in themselves and their environment, eventually this knee jerk denial issue lessons.

She is just preempting you blaming her, as that is what folks have always done. It is hard to get them to trust that they are not going to be the subject of criticism. Fix that and you will lower the defensiveness.

All of this comes on the back of lowering the general level of conflict.

[empathic]

It is normal, but it is still a symptomatic knee jerk reaction which is based in defensive insecurity.

The task is not to address this issue but work on them feeling more safe in themselves and their environment, eventually this knee jerk denial issue lessons.

She is just preempting you blaming her, as that is what folks have always done. It is hard to get them to trust that they are not going to be the subject of criticism. Fix that and you will lower the defensiveness.

All of this comes on the back of lowering the general level of conflict.

Good points. I agree that it would be a good thing to lower conflict, in the longer perspective. But... . as it stands right now, I'm not sure I can deal with this by avoiding conflict even more. She runs me over, conflict or not. Boundaries are very hard to enforce with her. She comes from a high-conflict birth family. I come from the exact opposite. When I try to enforce a boundary she hardly notices it.

[waverider]

Unfortunately the way to get past conflict is not to run away from them, as you know you will only be run down. The way is to handle them better, rather than reactively. It will get worse as you start to take more control of yourself before it gets better, even then there are no guarantees.

If things stay the same you will still have conflict and you will continue to shirk from them, and you will get nowhere.

How do you try to enforce a boundary, as opposed to just a demand?

Boundaries are to protect you so enforcement should provide a better outcome for you whether she notices it or not. It is about its affect on you, not her.

[hergestridge]

The problem is that when my doesn't have anyone to blame, she will become such a dark cloud that life will be hell for us around her for hours or even days. Accepting blame is one thing. Taking responsibility for the feelings is another.

[waverider]

The problem is that when my doesn't have anyone to blame, she will become such a dark cloud that life will be hell for us around her for hours or even days. Accepting blame is one thing. Taking responsibility for the feelings is another.

You can't "fix" them, internalizing may be hard to watch, but it is required before any progress can be made in self soothing. It is certainly better than projecting. Only thing you can do is to give yourself some space around them, by use of disengaging and boundaries, while they are dealing with this. Dont take on the guilt of not fixing their issues for them.

[hergestridge]

The problem is that when my doesn't have anyone to blame, she will become such a dark cloud that life will be hell for us around her for hours or even days. Accepting blame is one thing. Taking responsibility for the feelings is another.

You can't "fix" them, internalizing may be hard to watch, but it is required before any progress can be made in self soothing. It is certainly better than projecting. Only thing you can do is to give yourself some space around them, by use of disengaging and boundaries, while they are dealing with this. Dont take on the guilt of not fixing their issues for them.

But it's tempting to let her have her "scapegoats", especially if the targets of her hatred are outside the family. Sometimed like it's like I give her a "lesson", showing her who's NOT to blame for this or that, and as a consequence the whole family gets punished with a serving of her cold rejection (our 3yr old doesn't understand!).

My wife sometime ask me why I "have to be so objective". She obviously thinks I'm cruel and cold blooded and largely responsible for what happens.

Just to give an example:

She hired a plumber, paid his bill late. Next time she called, he wouldn't come. She thought he was an ___hole. I said you can't blame him. I just couldn't agree that "greedy plumber" was the problem. In her world, a loving husband would have "taken her side".

For the first ten years our rs I just agreed with her on such occasions, and we fought much less. In all honesty, it only seems to piss her off and she never learns anything fron situations like these.

[maxsterling]

I've noticed that when my GF is painting everything and everyone else black, I am in the clear and painted white.  I used to think that was a good thing, but having someone this emotionally dependent on me for her happiness feels quite scary at times.  It would be nice if she just had a few other friends to provide her support.

My GF is the same way towards her employers as your wife is towards the plumber.  She's had 3 jobs in the past year, and gotten quite upset with all 3 of her bosses.  One was a volunteer job!  And in the few years prior to meeting me, she tells me she got into fights with two other bosses.  And when she asked one of her former bosses for a reference recently and was declined, she said the boss was a c***.

Same goes with stores.  She ran up a bunch of store credit cards, didn't pay the bill, so now she has creditors calling her.  Now there are 5-6 stores that she absolutely hates and will never go back to.  It's the store's fault!  So, when we drive by one, she says something nasty and raises her middle finger. 

[waverider]

Just to give an example:

She hired a plumber, paid his bill late. Next time she called, he wouldn't come. She thought he was an ___hole. I said you can't blame him. I just couldn't agree that "greedy plumber" was the problem. In her world, a loving husband would have "taken her side".

In this example I would probably just state thats not the way i see it, then couldn't be bothered trying to convince her she was wrong. Certainly would not take her side, but neither is it my problem.

My GF is the same way towards her employers as your wife is towards the plumber.  She's had 3 jobs in the past year, and gotten quite upset with all 3 of her bosses.  One was a volunteer job!  And in the few years prior to meeting me, she tells me she got into fights with two other bosses.  And when she asked one of her former bosses for a reference recently and was declined, she said the boss was a c***.

This is the reason my partner is unemployable, if she lasted more than a few days, there would be a workplace dispute.

As an employer i would not knowingly employ someone with BPD, regardless of discrimination laws, it is just too risky.

[rj47]

In this example I would probably just state thats not the way i see it, then couldn't be bothered trying to convince her she was wrong. Certainly would not take her side, but neither is it my problem.

My wife often says "you've never supported me and take everyone else's side". When we were young I would call out her bad behavior (mostly with family) thinking it was the right thing to do. "Always" and "never" are adverbs applied to me that I will probably never outlive.

If I simply respond to her conflicts with others that their behavior was "unfortunate", "unacceptable" and "selfish" and express understanding why she's hurt, its usually enough to deflect her attempt to transfer the anger to me later. She will often complain about the weakness of my criticisms but at least I have learned to mount a reasonable defense to her accusations.

[maxen]

Not taking responsibility = not realizing you have control over your own life = not knowing who you are = the core of BPD.

interesting, i hadn't made that equation. my w routinely tried to hold others (me, mostly) responsible for her own choices (a slightly separate category from outright blaming). she "had to" go to a certain psychiatrist, when she could have asked for another reference; she "felt ambushed" entering a room, when she could have walked out instead of staying. when she was younger this pattern of thought was relentless and almost intolerable to listen to. she doesn't realize she has control or, likelier i think, refuses control over her own life. i interpreted it just as wanting to be taken care of, if on a juvenile level (during the marriage before i'd heard of BPD i thought this was a cultural thing, we come from really different places).