Closure.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

January 17th I got shared custody with my 3 kids and uBPD stbx. I knew that there were going to be difficult from the ex. I get the kids from Fri to Fri and switch over with ex. My week with the kids was great I   didn't hear a peep from her until the kids went back home.

She starts with projection and blaming. This is my first week with shared custody with the kids and I'm adjusting to communicating with her in that regards, so it's challenging. I get blamed for not taking the kids to the doctor and they come home sick when I did take them to the doctor, I didn't give her my son's inhaler when she had repeatedly asked for it. She had asked once, I said I'll drop it off and then she replied back in an e-mail "I found it" but she meant something completely different, a stuffie.

She complained about S2 not adjusting and that he was clingy when he got back and she could not put him down. I said "how did the kids adjust to OM when dad was out of the picture 3 weeks after you left and he moved in?"

She wanted to change the schedule, so the kids would be 2 days with her and 2 days with me. I told her it's a monumental task because I traded my shifts at work up until March for the kids schedule and I'm not redoing it.

Every response that I had to her via e-mail was turned around (projected) and I was blamed for fictitious things. She had dropped the kids off at the sitters on Fri morning of the 17th and I picked them up from there and they where sick. I took the to the Dr on Sat, I took Monday off at work because S5 was sick with a cough and S2 had a fever. I called the sitter and told her that the kids where staying with me, because daycares usually don't take kids when they are sick. The sitter had said that my daughter had a cough "whooping cough" that sound like a bark. I told my ex this and it got turned into "so you knew about whooping cough and didn't tell me?" The point is, instead of dropping the kids off sick on someone else take care of them.

Those are some examples. I found myself wound up like when I was with her, like she was trying to control and create drama / turmoil on my time. I had the kids for a short visit last night and I dropped them off back at home and told the ex "It's enough. I know what the problem is and if you continue to blame, I'm getting a restraining order" and it was like nothing had changed in a year since she left. This was the first thing in a year that I have told her face-to-face and this was what I had to say. I'm guessing things are not going well with her new bf and she is taking it out on me.

She sent me several e-mails and she was angry and basically projected what I had said. I told her that I have a right to happiness in my life without the interference of someone else and the emotional attacks. I don't have to take it on anymore and there are ways of dealing with this and it's low contact. The kids are fine on my time, I work my ass off with them and I don't need to be brought down. If you have a concern with the kids fine, but I'm not responding to emotional attacks.

Her response "same goes for you".

My final response to her was "I never did get closure, but I guess that this is as close as it's going to get get. Good-bye D."

[Mutt]

January 17th I got shared custody with my 3 kids and uBPD stbx. I knew that there were going to be difficult from the ex. I get the kids from Fri to Fri and switch over with ex. My week with the kids was great I   didn't hear a peep from her until the kids went back home.

She starts with projection and blaming. This is my first week with shared custody with the kids and I'm adjusting to communicating with her in that regards, so it's challenging. I get blamed for not taking the kids to the doctor and they come home sick when I did take them to the doctor, I didn't give her my son's inhaler when she had repeatedly asked for it. She had asked once, I said I'll drop it off and then she replied back in an e-mail "I found it" but she meant something completely different, a stuffie.

She complained about S2 not adjusting and that he was clingy when he got back and she could not put him down. I said "how did the kids adjust to OM when dad was out of the picture 3 weeks after you left and he moved in?"

She wanted to change the schedule, so the kids would be 2 days with her and 2 days with me. I told her it's a monumental task because I traded my shifts at work up until March for the kids schedule and I'm not redoing it.

Every response that I had to her via e-mail was turned around (projected) and I was blamed for fictitious things. She had dropped the kids off at the sitters on Fri morning of the 17th and I picked them up from there and they where sick. I took the to the Dr on Sat, I took Monday off at work because S5 was sick with a cough and S2 had a fever. I called the sitter and told her that the kids where staying with me, because daycares usually don't take kids when they are sick. The sitter had said that my daughter had a cough "whooping cough" that sound like a bark. I told my ex this and it got turned into "so you knew about whooping cough and didn't tell me?" The point is, instead of dropping the kids off sick on someone else take care of them.

Those are some examples. I found myself wound up like when I was with her, like she was trying to control and create drama / turmoil on my time. I had the kids for a short visit last night and I dropped them off back at home and told the ex "It's enough. I know what the problem is and if you continue to blame, I'm getting a restraining order" and it was like nothing had changed in a year since she left. This was the first thing in a year that I have told her face-to-face and this was what I had to say. I'm guessing things are not going well with her new bf and she is taking it out on me.

She sent me several e-mails and she was angry and basically projected what I had said. I told her that I have a right to happiness in my life without the interference of someone else and the emotional attacks. I don't have to take it on anymore and there are ways of dealing with this and it's low contact. The kids are fine on my time, I work my ass off with them and I don't need to be brought down. If you have a concern with the kids fine, but I'm not responding to emotional attacks.

Her response "same goes for you".

My final response to her was "I never did get closure, but I guess that this is as close as it's going to get get. Good-bye D."

[seeking balance]

My final response to her was "I never did get closure, but I guess that this is as close as it's going to get get. Good-bye D."

That's something - closure is not always amicable, not in the BPD world.  How are you feeling?

Was Jan 17 custody hearing only and divorce is over?

[Mutt]

That's something - closure is not always amicable, not in the BPD world.  How are you feeling?

Was Jan 17 custody hearing only and divorce is over?

17th was custody only. I have to go back on February 6th for child support changes as it's shared custody and divorce should be starting then.

I feel it's the strangest circumstance to give myself closure but I just saw a chance to simply say "good-bye" because I didn't get it and because I'm ready to move on.

There where a couple of things that I can identify that where holding me back. I was in denial that she was sick, there was a small part in me that wanted to believe that she wasn't. I also found separation difficult and to a degree, as bad as she treated me, I still wanted someone there... . a recycle.

Talking to her outside of her place felt exactly the same as it did a year ago when she was devaluing me but it felt like there was a change. She looks different physically, because she has gained a lot of weight since she left and she just seems different in character, like someone I don't know.  She is not the same person that I met.

As I was talking she became defensive and started talking over me (same as before) and I felt strong that I can identify abusive behavior and not feel guilt as I once did. I have just had enough with this toxic dance, and it's time for me to stop worrying about her and to live my own life. That's why I needed to say good-bye.

[seeking balance]

That's why I needed to say good-bye.

I remember when the good-bye was for me and me alone... . it was sad, but freeing too.

[Mutt]

I remember when the good-bye was for me and me alone... . it was sad, but freeing too.

This is not what divorce is supposed to be.

It made me feel emotional, my eyes were tearing up.

It's not going to get reciprocated, but I'm saying good-bye to the person that was my wife. She  has good qualities but she left me a long time ago, I hope for her that she gets help. She is replaced with a person that everything has to revolve around her and she cannot feel empathy for me, but uses me as a dumping ground for her negative emotions and cannot see me for the man that I am with all of my qualities. She's a person that doesn't care about my welfare, i.e. the financial hardship she has caused etc... . she is simply a desctructive force now towards me.

Communication opened up, conflict ensued and I'm partly to blame when I got shared custody but low contact is the only thing that's going to work with the kids.

[seeking balance]

I remember when the good-bye was for me and me alone... . it was sad, but freeing too.

This is not what divorce is supposed to be.

It made me feel emotional, my eyes were tearing up.

Yeah, I know that feeling too... . I didn't get married to get divorced, it really was one of the hardest things I have ever done and not what I wanted at all.

But, good-bye was letting go - for us both.

It's not going to get reciprocated, but I'm saying good-bye to the person that was my wife. She  has good qualities but she left me a long time ago, I hope for her that she gets help. She is replaced with a person that everything has to revolve around her and she cannot feel empathy for me, but uses me as a dumping ground for her negative emotions and cannot see me for the man that I am with all of my qualities. She's a person that doesn't care about my welfare, i.e. the financial hardship she has caused etc... . she is simply a desctructive force now towards me.

It is so hard to go through this, but our only way to heal is that good-bye, for us.

Communication opened up, conflict ensued and I'm partly to blame when I got shared custody but low contact is the only thing that's going to work with the kids.

As a parent, you do have to work with her as best you can - this is the mature, responsible way to parent.  As you heal, it won't feel so personal and you won't fall into the old dance as often.  She will push your buttons at times, as a way to deflect her issues - but you will continue to get better.

[Mutt]

As a parent, you do have to work with her as best you can - this is the mature, responsible way to parent.  As you heal, it won't feel so personal and you won't fall into the old dance as often.  She will push your buttons at times, as a way to deflect her issues - but you will continue to get better.

So true.

Thanks SB for reminding me. I wish I could fast forward life to indifference, but that's not how things works.