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Author Topic: Attacks on our Appearance  (Read 507 times)
DownandOut
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« on: January 29, 2014, 11:00:27 AM »

One of the things that my uBPDexgf did in devaluation that hurt me a lot was that she would constantly comment on my physical appearance, or things about me physically that she felt were inadequate or flawed. For example, my ex would constantly have something to say about the way I walk, the way I talk (even though my unique accent was one of the things she loved about me at first, and despite the fact that she had a unique accent of her own that made communication difficult sometimes but fun), the way I ate my food, the way my hair looked and how I should change it, along with other criticisms to my physical appearance and attributes. It made me feel flawed and then when the time came for us to part ways I always struggled with whether or not the way she viewed me physically was a determining factor in why should became distant and cold and was having second thoughts on being with me forever. Now, the way I see it is that she was using these trivial things to help herself detach from me with the least amount of guilt. What do you all think?

I also want to know if anyone here experienced the same thing and how it made them feel at the time. Did you all project some of your insecurities on to your SO which they then turned on you to hurt you? Did you believe them when they insulted you like this?

Being a normally assertive person, I hate that I didn't turn the tables on her because I was in a FOG and walking on eggshells!  :'(
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2014, 11:20:59 AM »

I  got most of that.  worse in the beginning.  in the end, I  realized it was her own lack of self and social anxiety which she was projecting into me.  the way we eat... .   really?
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2014, 11:40:26 AM »

Mine smacked me in a movie theater for biting my knuckles during an intense scene.

I have alopecia so I am balding a little on top. I hide it well with a matching powder. She wanted me not to wear makeup and not to put the powder on. Sometimes I felt she wanted me to be unattractive to keep me.
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2014, 11:48:01 AM »

After he had left, my exBPDh had to come to sign some papers.  As we sat at the table, he suddenly declared that my breath was awful and he couldn't bear to sit close to me!  Strange, as he had never had that problem with me for the previous 9 years.

A couple of weeks before that he had made some other observations about my appearance, and pointed out things that he had never mentioned before.

When we were together, he often used to give an insult followed by a 'sort of' compliment, such as 'You have a fat belly but I still love you'.

I think it was a way of putting me down and knocking my confidence while at the same time, making up reasons to himself for why he didn't like me anymore.

Now, the way I see it is that she was using these trivial things to help herself detach from me with the least amount of guilt. What do you all think?


Being a normally assertive person, I hate that I didn't turn the tables on her because I was in a FOG and walking on eggshells!  :'(

I agree that it probably is a way in which they detach with less guilt.  Making us out to be so awful that they could not possibly want us!

I too am sorry that I didn't point out his many physical faults, as there were plenty.  I used to watch him as he looked in the mirror and told me how lucky I was to be with him and comment on how good looking he thought he was - and I used to think of all his faults but not tell him.  How I wish I had - that would have brought him down to earth a bit.
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2014, 11:51:14 AM »

Sometimes I felt she wanted me to be unattractive to keep me.

I felt this too.  Mine used to insist on eating fast food a lot and when I tried to lose weight did all he could to stop me.  I think he wanted me to be fat so nobody else would want me.
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2014, 11:52:23 AM »

Popcorn, it's abuse and control.
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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2014, 11:55:28 AM »

Hi Down and out... .

Yeah, i can relate to that.

At the beginning, mine complimented me a lot, my way of walking, my hair, my clothes, my body, well i was near perfect (well not as perfect as her, she told me her body was perfect Smiling (click to insert in post) . so i was near perfect? no, it was honeymoon stage  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). when things turned bitter, she critisized everything she told me she liked before, my clothes (went shopping with me and told me what to buy and wear),  that i walked funny and badly, that i was developing arthritis (am i?), my hair, well...  you name it.

it made me feel bad of course, but i tried to ignore her.

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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2014, 12:08:19 PM »

Mine smacked me in a movie theater for biting my knuckles during an intense scene.

I have alopecia so I am balding a little on top. I hide it well with a matching powder. She wanted me not to wear makeup and not to put the powder on. Sometimes I felt she wanted me to be unattractive to keep me.

I feel the same way. My ex would get extremely agitated if a female complimented me, even if they were friends of hers just being nice. For example, my ex's friend said that we would have beautiful kids because of how attractive we both were, I was flattered. However, when her friend let my ex told me that she was pissed because her friend was flirting with me and the comment was inappropriate. She knew that I was confident, so it's like she wanted to strip away all of my confidence before she left or I left. She would tell me that I needed to be more humble, while shtting on me. I was a shell of myself.

In contrast, I would feel great when people told me how beautiful she was. Honestly, it was a boost to my ego when it happened. I never got jealous because I knew (thought) we were in love and we made a great couple.

Popcorn -

Towards the end of the r/s, there was one time I really zinged her and she was caught so off-guard by it. I honestly was so upset and depressed about the direction the relationship was going, we were in devaluation, and she mentioned about how cute her feet were. Personally, I didn't think her feet were particularly attractive and if I was looking for things to consider flaws that would be one of them. So, when she said that I told her "they're alright." She looked at me with complete surprise and said "well, they're not the best but they're not bad."  I wish I had more of those moments to look back on and laugh at.
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2014, 12:11:22 PM »

First, I was not "her type", second "not attractive", third, "I talked to slow", fourth "hated my mustache", fifth "hated my body hair (Claimed she'd never sleep with anyone who had body hair, which she broke many times.)".

Again, their perception of themselves is that they're perfect and everyone else is not. It's a defense mechanism so, that they can continue to believe in their own myth of their projected false selves. In other words, "I'm perfect and the rest of the world is not, therefore I deserve everything I ask for and demand." It's a narc. thing, trying to cast a reflection of themselves as perfect to hide all of the dark troubles and turmoil within. Mine would say, "If it hurts your feelings... . Well, I'm sorry (no real empathy), don't hang out with me (Which is the exact opposite of what they really want or expect you to do.). That's how I feel (Again, the egocentricness oozes)."
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2014, 12:16:30 PM »

Happy -

"That's how I feel." Oh my, have I heard that a lot! That was the excuse for everything that happened with us. She couldn't show me affection any more because taht's how she felt. She didn't love me as much anymore because that's how she felt and she can't change the way she feels because people can't just change their feelings. Hmmm, did she really do a complete 180 as to how she felt (sounds unlikely), or could it have been the new, more accessible man supply that she was engaging with at the time? I'll go with the latter.
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2014, 12:44:37 PM »

I got the criticism too.  It was a form of manipulation and control, imo.  Her comments were usually subtle but sometimes just plain mean.  Just think how low their self esteem is to say horrible things to another.
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2014, 01:07:30 PM »

Happy -

"That's how I feel." Oh my, have I heard that a lot! That was the excuse for everything that happened with us. She couldn't show me affection any more because taht's how she felt. She didn't love me as much anymore because that's how she felt and she can't change the way she feels because people can't just change their feelings. Hmmm, did she really do a complete 180 as to how she felt (sounds unlikely), or could it have been the new, more accessible man supply that she was engaging with at the time? I'll go with the latter.

as is said here sometimes. " feelings are not facts."  Everyone should remember that for next time as a  major  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

When feelings become facts,  reality becomes an illusion.  Hence.  the dysphoria  I  had the honor of watching play out before my eyes... .
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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2014, 01:08:39 PM »

I got the criticism too.  It was a form of manipulation and control, imo.  Her comments were usually subtle but sometimes just plain mean.  Just think how low their self esteem is to say horrible things to another.

Just think how low their self-esteem is to say horrible things to the person that they supposedly "love."

I would like to note that my ex hated this pair of sneakers that I really liked to wear because she thought they were too dirty. Fine, they probably were, but she made it like she was repulsed by me when I wore them. When we b/u I started hanging out with this other woman and I wore the same sneakers and, out of curiosity, I asked her if she thought they were dirty. Her response: "Not really. Maybe just a little." I followed that up by asking her what she would do if she felt that her b/f was wearing something she didn't like. Her response: "I'd buy him something new." The point is, it was not a deal-breaker for her. For my ex, it seemed to be something that was.
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2014, 01:18:57 PM »

I would think this falls under getting "painted black" in the begining we were perfect! Now nothing is a good reason for sticking around so leaving was the only logical choice for them to make, they had to convince themselves we weren't right. Anything they can get their hands on as far as your imperfections is ammo. They lure us into a false sense of security this opening ourselves up to them seeing our imperfections and they take full advantage of all of them when the time serves them right to do so during devaluing .
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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2014, 01:26:00 PM »

Had many of the same issues, but think that the insults and general mayhem that surrounds the relationship are a function of their need to keep you as off balance as they are.  When my uBPDw is insecure (for whatever reason, and there are literally millions of possibilities that I will never know) she will cope by making me 'feel her pain', she will try to replicate how she feels in me.  The more insecure she feels the more I have to feel, and if I don't seem to be hurting enough, she will up the stakes until I get to where she needs me to be, by what ever means necessary.  Although I know it is entirely unhealthy, I have taken to acting, or letting her think things have hurt me more than they do, and it seems to help keep things from escalating.  This is not a long term strategy, becasue really I am just giving in, but need the peace for myself and our children.  I used to care about setting boundaries and trying to have her be accountable for her actions, so that it might get better, but that was when I cared about keeping the rs and was stil in the FOG.  Now, just treading water until I can find a way to get out without setting of her insecurities.
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« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2014, 01:40:23 PM »

You know those old sayings grandparents have?

Like misery lives company?

Or people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?

Or when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you?

I'd say initially the nasty comments threw me off.  Sometimes they hurt sometimes they were just bizarre. 

After awhile what I noticed was this negativity was directed at most things and people.  It was pervasive and why take it personal? It really started to communicate what the person felt about themselves. 

Hurt people hurt people.  And this problem is the kind that the negative person really has to deal with on there own.  It's thought disorder... . so hard to change... . kind of like religion or politics.
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« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2014, 01:48:06 PM »

I got the criticism too.  It was a form of manipulation and control, imo.  Her comments were usually subtle but sometimes just plain mean.  Just think how low their self esteem is to say horrible things to another.

Just think how low their self-esteem is to say horrible things to the person that they supposedly "love."

I would like to note that my ex hated this pair of sneakers that I really liked to wear because she thought they were too dirty. Fine, they probably were, but she made it like she was repulsed by me when I wore them. When we b/u I started hanging out with this other woman and I wore the same sneakers and, out of curiosity, I asked her if she thought they were dirty. Her response: "Not really. Maybe just a little." I followed that up by asking her what she would do if she felt that her b/f was wearing something she didn't like. Her response: "I'd buy him something new." The point is, it was not a deal-breaker for her. For my ex, it seemed to be something that was.

Yeah, I am now wearing all the clothes and caps and such that she hated.  I am ashamed of myself for letting another person dictate who I am and what I want in life.  Never Again.
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« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2014, 03:29:22 PM »

Turkish,

I posted this comment the other day somewhere here, but she also loved to do this:

She'd call and have me come visit her. She might have been just previously with someone else (typically another suitor, maybe a friend), but they had to leave or whatever. I'd come and hang out. Since maybe I hadn't seen her in a few days, I'd want to hug her and she'd be as cold and non-hugging in response. I'd say, "What's wrong?" Her answer invariably would be, "I don't want that from you... . ". Also, often in these times, she might be feeling a bit down and would maybe be crying when I arrived. Then I'd come by and cheer her up at her request. Later, I'd mention in those "cold" periods, "What about the time I came by and you were in sad and I cheered you up and you told me you loved me (or whatever)? What about that?" Her response would be, "Well, I needed cheering up and I'm glad you were there, but I was thinking of XXX the whole time, not about you... . ". Nice, huh?

All I can say now is, I'm glad she's doing that to someone else and she'll never get another chance to do it to me, again!
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« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2014, 03:51:48 PM »

Mine would call me all sorts of names and belittle me. She did it for control. It worked. For the first four years I watched my self esteem go right down the toilet. She fed me so much food too that I started gaining weight and i felt like crap. I stopped going to the gym cuz that made her rage. After a while I hated what I looked and felt like. Once in therapy I saw "the game."  She would belittle and insult me as a way to control me and feel better about her pathetic life. Once I stopped responding or walked away to the put downs, she realized I wasn't playing anymore. That pissed her off but she would stew for a while and then get over it. As I got healthier and started taking care of myself I put boundaries in place and she won't even think about going there now. I also spent a lot of time away from her and surrounded myself with people who made me feel good.about myself. During hat time I realized that I can be happy with or without her. But they  are masters of turning your life and feelings upside down and inside out.
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« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2014, 04:12:43 PM »

You know those old sayings grandparents have?

Like misery lives company?

Or people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?

Or when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you?

I'd say initially the nasty comments threw me off.  Sometimes they hurt sometimes they were just bizarre. 

After awhile what I noticed was this negativity was directed at most things and people.  It was pervasive and why take it personal? It really started to communicate what the person felt about themselves. 

Hurt people hurt people.  And this problem is the kind that the negative person really has to deal with on there own.  It's thought disorder... . so hard to change... . kind of like religion or politics.

Mine would sometimes go off on negativity,  negative energy and negative people.  after a  few years I  concluded that she herself was one of the most negative people I'd ever met.  She blessed our house when we moved in,  to get rid of any negative energy. I  almost feel like asking her to take it back when she moves out!
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« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2014, 04:32:16 PM »

I got a lot of that from my exBPDw.

Her attacks on my appearance mainly consisted of my hair, that she wanted me to grow a beard (alarm bells being her father had a beard) and clothes. She even went as far as not allowing me to shop for my own things, instead her and her mother bought my clothes which was something I found very disturbing. As I had moved to her country and could not work until work permit was through, she controlled all the finances and I wasn't even allowed an allowance for my own things. When I did get work, she still wanted to control all the finances.

Perhaps the most disturbing of all was a picture of me and her brother. Because I had my hair just as she wanted, beard as she wanted and clothes as she wanted. The picture of me and her brother we looked like identical twins. It wasn't just my opinion either, several people asked on photos if that was my brother and on one occasion my exSIL came up behind me and put her arms around me. It even convinced her and she spent the rest of the afternoon apologising.

Towards the end, the attacks became more personal and she tried to use my aspergers against me. Telling me I couldn't possibly love her because of it, that she would always be on her own, I would never be able to fulfill her needs. T said the last one was correct but that nobody would be able to.

She would put down my strengths, highlight my weaknesses and then use them against me. So it wasn't just attacks on appearance but all aspects of being.
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« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2014, 05:07:38 PM »

In a way, she criticizes the kids clothes, too. When I had them over thanksgiving weekend, I showed her a pic, and she was annoyed/mad that I had mixed up which clothes I was supposed to put on D1 that day. She offered to set out the kid's clothes for our trip this weekend while she's out of town. I politely declined. On the surface, a nice gesture, but in reality, another form of control.

She changes their clothes if I pick the wrong ones for church (which she doesn't even go to) because she wants people to see beautiful kids, not slobs (reflects bad on us as parents, of course). I put a sweater on S4 for bed last night and she had him come have me change it because it was a nicd sweater for Sundays, not for bed (even though we dress them after their baths and it is the same shirt they will wear the next day). It was a very light sweater, I didn't see what was the deal, but since she convinced S4, I had to change it.

On our last ever family portait in April, I had changed S3's jeans because the ones she set out had a small hole in them. Doing my WoE bit, I thought she'd get mad at me for not noticing. I changed them to a slightly lighter shade of jeans. When we got to the studio, she noticed and started going off on me, why did I do that and the pants looked slovenly (she doesn't have the vocabulary to use that word, I forgot what she said). Kept at it for like 15 mjns while we were waiting, ruined the whole experience for me. Would SET have worked? By this point, she was less than a month from sitting me down, telling me she was unhappy, and that we (I) needed to work on our r/s (make her happy), so I didn't care. As someone here said recently, I got tired of being a validation machine and being treated like crap half of the time, and WoE the other half.
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« Reply #22 on: January 29, 2014, 05:46:31 PM »

My ex used to tell me that I look like an elephant. I'm 173 cm and weighed 60 kg. I said why did you marry me then? He used to say I was stupid I should have opened my eyes. I was much younger than him as well.

He was very insecure! I tried to ignore him.
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« Reply #23 on: January 29, 2014, 06:26:58 PM »

One of the things that my uBPDexgf did in devaluation that hurt me a lot was that she would constantly comment on my physical appearance, or things about me physically that she felt were inadequate or flawed. For example, my ex would constantly have something to say about the way I walk, the way I talk (even though my unique accent was one of the things she loved about me at first, and despite the fact that she had a unique accent of her own that made communication difficult sometimes but fun), the way I ate my food, the way my hair looked and how I should change it, along with other criticisms to my physical appearance and attributes. It made me feel flawed and then when the time came for us to part ways I always struggled with whether or not the way she viewed me physically was a determining factor in why should became distant and cold and was having second thoughts on being with me forever. Now, the way I see it is that she was using these trivial things to help herself detach from me with the least amount of guilt. What do you all think?

I also want to know if anyone here experienced the same thing and how it made them feel at the time. Did you all project some of your insecurities on to your SO which they then turned on you to hurt you? Did you believe them when they insulted you like this?

Being a normally assertive person, I hate that I didn't turn the tables on her because I was in a FOG and walking on eggshells!  :'(

I heard the same things. Especially in round 2 of devaluation. Lets see: she hated the way I breathed on the phone(told me this in both rounds of devaluation, one of the things that I knew was directly related to her disorder), the way I posed for pictures, the placement of my hands in pictures, that I couldn't ___ her enough(I had to be able to ___ her on command), that I couldn't drive(even though I was traveling 5 hours by bus to see her every week), that I was "gay", my hair style(she loved it in idealization), my voice(she loved my deep voice over phone in idealization). Of course, I knew this was all linked to the disorder, but it hurts like hell to have the one person tell you these things over and over again. After a while, I began to hate all these things about myself. That was how low I had been reduced. I am getting chest pains remembering this. I remember telling her on the day of discard at end of round 2, "If you hated all these things about me, why the ___ did YOU come back to me begging and crying for ME to let YOU back into my life?" Guess what the response was for Miss Medusa? Silence. F*cking silence. Of course there was no answer to such a question that directly forces self introspection. How can she self introspect when the self is fragmented like so.
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« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2014, 06:51:58 PM »

After he had left, my exBPDh had to come to sign some papers.  As we sat at the table, he suddenly declared that my breath was awful and he couldn't bear to sit close to me!  Strange, as he had never had that problem with me for the previous 9 years.

A couple of weeks before that he had made some other observations about my appearance, and pointed out things that he had never mentioned before.

When we were together, he often used to give an insult followed by a 'sort of' compliment, such as 'You have a fat belly but I still love you'.

I think it was a way of putting me down and knocking my confidence while at the same time, making up reasons to himself for why he didn't like me anymore.

Now, the way I see it is that she was using these trivial things to help herself detach from me with the least amount of guilt. What do you all think?


Being a normally assertive person, I hate that I didn't turn the tables on her because I was in a FOG and walking on eggshells!  :'(

I agree that it probably is a way in which they detach with less guilt.  Making us out to be so awful that they could not possibly want us!

I too am sorry that I didn't point out his many physical faults, as there were plenty.  I used to watch him as he looked in the mirror and told me how lucky I was to be with him and comment on how good looking he thought he was - and I used to think of all his faults but not tell him.  How I wish I had - that would have brought him down to earth a bit.

O popcorn me too

In the last few months, hed say my breath was bad, we had been together almost 8 yrs and hed never said anything... . and also " I love how u have a fat tummy and walk like a penguin" ... .

He would complain that I didnt dress sexily enough, so when I did, hed say I must be doing it for somebody else... .

After these comments, I went through a period of hating my body, I started to spew up my food.

I was mess.
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« Reply #25 on: January 30, 2014, 11:54:40 AM »

Ironman,

The pain I feel to this day from those attacks is brutal. It's ironic that my ex would comment that I was a bad driver too. Sad. It's almost comical though when I read all these stories because they are all the same. They are the ultimate Trojan horse; they get in close and attack you from the inside with the most vicious attacks. That's why it hurts so much. I am slowly getting my self-esteem back, but I still avoid doing the things she would harp on and still act as if I'm walking on eggshells when she's not even here!   Its a pervasive disorder that continues to effect me. I need to overcome this!
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willtimeheal
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: Split 4-2013 trying to work it out
Posts: 813


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« Reply #26 on: January 30, 2014, 03:54:26 PM »

It's ironic that my ex would comment that I was a bad driver too.

Downandout,

Mine always complained about my driving. We were in heavy traffic once and merging and she took a break from texting on her phone and said, "do you see the divider in the road?  Keep going forward and you will hit it." Like I don't see a huge metal divider with florescent lights on it in the middle of the f`in road.  what the heck?  Thanks for pointing that out!  Do they think we are that stupid?
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Pearl55
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 386


« Reply #27 on: January 30, 2014, 04:28:11 PM »

It's ironic that my ex would comment that I was a bad driver too.

Downandout,

Mine always complained about my driving. We were in heavy traffic once and merging and she took a break from texting on her phone and said, "do you see the divider in the road?  Keep going forward and you will hit it." Like I don't see a huge metal divider with florescent lights on it in the middle of the f`in road.  what the heck?  Thanks for pointing that out!  Do they think we are that stupid?

Yes they do really think we are very stupid unfortunately!
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charred
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #28 on: January 30, 2014, 04:38:12 PM »

I got praised on my appearance when we first started dating again (after 20+ yrs)... which was generous, as I was overweight and out of shape. So we dated, and I was happy for a while and the weight fell off, worked out, got to looking good... . and our r/s was falling apart... and she attacked my appearance, as well as libido. Only thing that made sense was she was pissed and lashing out at anything/everything... . I looked far better than before, so ... it was the disordered thinking in my opinion.
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MammaMia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1098



« Reply #29 on: January 30, 2014, 04:45:25 PM »

I agree silence is golden.  It actually says so much more than verbalizing.

If you HAVE to say anything, just tell them you are happy with your appearance, your clothes, your hair, whatever they are complaining about... . then just walk away.  Above all, do not argue with them.

They are projecting their self-defined worthlessness and angst about their own shortcomings on to you.

It is their problem.  Not yours.  
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