To Break NC COULD be Therapeutic for Us... Perhaps?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know it may seem a little like reverse psychology in warranting a “taboo” in our healing processes after exiting a r/s with a pwBPD.

But please hear me out, guys…

I just broke NC earlier tonight since sticking to my guns from November, 2013 onwards.

(I was the one who initiated the breakup after 10 years of being with a passive-aggressive BPD femme fatale whom we all know so well as a Waif).

I am CoD and I have FOO issues.

Anyway, I have been doing all my self-healing homework of journaling, researching on the subject, self-analysis, exercise, healthy diet and I am even beginning to date a woman who did not raise any     red-flags      as early as day one of the r/s.

And out of the blue, I got texted by my exBPDgf who has been recently discharged from a mental institution because of a dissociative nervous breakdown that she has suffered from around the time of the previous X’mas.

I must confess that the breaking of NC was a hard, healthy and sobering slap in my face

(OUCH!)

Before the incident that took place tonight, I was still very much wallowing in:

1.   Missing her

2.   Wondering if the r/s was worthy of just another try for me to repair 

3.   Ruminating about the past, painful experiences of being with her

4.   Having distorted recall of our “good times” together during the past

        decade (which were, in fact, few and far between)

5.   Worrying about her welfare and general “happiness”

6.   Having great difficulty in “letting go” of our previous state of

        co-existence

7.   Suffering from the false hope that I STILL COULD help this person

        overcome her illness

8.   There is still a lingering chance, no matter, how faint it is, that she and

        I could still look to the future and build a life together.

9.   ………  The list could go on and on……...

Then I broke the rule of NC and responded to her text messages.

INSTANTANEOUSLY, I was lifted out of the above stated, pathological thinking pattern.

To communicate with her again, even for a brief exchange of texts was an extremely powerful REALITY CHECK for me.

She hasn’t changed a bit! Forget about being locked up in an asylum, and having plenty of thinking space to reflect. Forget about the drugs that the doctors have prescribed her.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

She was still the SAME manipulative, pushy, person with very poor boundaries, and who STILL tended to project all of her own personal short comings onto ME!

And this has dispelled all of my CoD ruminations regarding her and the mostly crappy r/s that we had.

The reality check also brought me back to the here and now and really made me see that there is someone new in my life who cares about me and who is willing to lighten the burden of my past trauma of being with a pwBPD. It doesn’t involve anything fancy… no idealizations from either parties, she is just an empath who could validate me and really see where I am coming from. (She has had her share of being with an abusive boyfriend years ago who once beat her up to the point of hospitalization).

In sum, I do not think that breaking NC is inherently a BAD thing. Although it is definitely a sign of our weakness/ vulnerability.

Then again, to look at it in a positive light, we could always draw strength and grow stronger by accepting our vulnerabilities, by acknowledging our own issues without (too much) self loathing, and make something healthy, less self-abusive out of it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Especially if there are members on this board who have broken the NC rule, and their subsequent realizations. 

Thanks


SoS

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I know it may seem a little like reverse psychology in warranting a “taboo” in our healing processes after exiting a r/s with a pwBPD.

But please hear me out, guys…

I just broke NC earlier tonight since sticking to my guns from November, 2013 onwards.

(I was the one who initiated the breakup after 10 years of being with a passive-aggressive BPD femme fatale whom we all know so well as a Waif).

I am CoD and I have FOO issues.

Anyway, I have been doing all my self-healing homework of journaling, researching on the subject, self-analysis, exercise, healthy diet and I am even beginning to date a woman who did not raise any     red-flags      as early as day one of the r/s.

And out of the blue, I got texted by my exBPDgf who has been recently discharged from a mental institution because of a dissociative nervous breakdown that she has suffered from around the time of the previous X’mas.

I must confess that the breaking of NC was a hard, healthy and sobering slap in my face

(OUCH!)

Before the incident that took place tonight, I was still very much wallowing in:

1.   Missing her

2.   Wondering if the r/s was worthy of just another try for me to repair 

3.   Ruminating about the past, painful experiences of being with her

4.   Having distorted recall of our “good times” together during the past

        decade (which were, in fact, few and far between)

5.   Worrying about her welfare and general “happiness”

6.   Having great difficulty in “letting go” of our previous state of

        co-existence

7.   Suffering from the false hope that I STILL COULD help this person

        overcome her illness

8.   There is still a lingering chance, no matter, how faint it is, that she and

        I could still look to the future and build a life together.

9.   ………  The list could go on and on……...

Then I broke the rule of NC and responded to her text messages.

INSTANTANEOUSLY, I was lifted out of the above stated, pathological thinking pattern.

To communicate with her again, even for a brief exchange of texts was an extremely powerful REALITY CHECK for me.

She hasn’t changed a bit! Forget about being locked up in an asylum, and having plenty of thinking space to reflect. Forget about the drugs that the doctors have prescribed her.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

She was still the SAME manipulative, pushy, person with very poor boundaries, and who STILL tended to project all of her own personal short comings onto ME!

And this has dispelled all of my CoD ruminations regarding her and the mostly crappy r/s that we had.

The reality check also brought me back to the here and now and really made me see that there is someone new in my life who cares about me and who is willing to lighten the burden of my past trauma of being with a pwBPD. It doesn’t involve anything fancy… no idealizations from either parties, she is just an empath who could validate me and really see where I am coming from. (She has had her share of being with an abusive boyfriend years ago who once beat her up to the point of hospitalization).

In sum, I do not think that breaking NC is inherently a BAD thing. Although it is definitely a sign of our weakness/ vulnerability.

Then again, to look at it in a positive light, we could always draw strength and grow stronger by accepting our vulnerabilities, by acknowledging our own issues without (too much) self loathing, and make something healthy, less self-abusive out of it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Especially if there are members on this board who have broken the NC rule, and their subsequent realizations. 

Thanks


SoS

[Skip]

Then I broke the rule of NC and responded to her text messages.

There is no rule of No Contact.  We get overzealous about this at times on the board.

It's all about detaching.  :)etaching is an emotional thing.  NC is physical thing.  Some of the most "connected" members are "No Contact".

What you did makes perfect sense.  You have been working on seeing yourself and seeing her.  Making this brief contact advanced that process for you.  It helped you advance your detachment.

Its not about your changing a phone number... . its about changing your mind... . working ourselves free from a toxic emotional connection and that takes strength and vision.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Its not about your changing a phone number... . its about changing your mind... . working ourselves free from a toxic emotional connection and that takes strength and vision.

Thank you Skip!

Strength  AND  Vision. Hmmmm... .

So true... .

It looks like I still have a rocky path ahead of me.

But I will bear that close to my heart in my healing journey.

Wish me luck!


SoS

[santa]

If every time you talk to your ex, it upsets you, then no contact is the way to go. That's why I prefer no contact. It's not to prove a point or anything like that. It just helps me function better.

[seeking balance]

If every time you talk to your ex, it upsets you, then no contact is the way to go. That's why I prefer no contact. It's not to prove a point or anything like that. It just helps me function better.

That is fair santa - are you doing other things besides no contact to detach?

[santa]

If every time you talk to your ex, it upsets you, then no contact is the way to go. That's why I prefer no contact. It's not to prove a point or anything like that. It just helps me function better.

That is fair santa - are you doing other things besides no contact to detach?

Just going on with my life as usual. I haven't been ruminating much, so I think that's progress.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

But still, I am sincerely looking forward to hearing the members on this board sharing and discussing their experiences with breaking N/C.

And I DO have some deep-seated concerns as to whether this new person in my life is just a pathological substitute to my expwBPD.

I guess that is why I am still posting on the LEAVING board.

Seriously, I feel like my Achilles tendons have been severed by my BPD r/s, and now I must learn to "walk" all over again on this uncharted road of potentially healthy r/s.

[Moonie75]

Breaking NC with boxing gloves on would be very therapeutic!

[seeking balance]

But still, I am sincerely looking forward to hearing the members on this board sharing and discussing their experiences with breaking N/C.

And I DO have some deep-seated concerns as to whether this new person in my life is just a pathological substitute to my expwBPD.

I guess that is why I am still posting on the LEAVING board.

Seriously, I feel like my Achilles tendons have been severed by my BPD r/s, and now I must learn to "walk" all over again on this uncharted road of potentially healthy r/s.

When we focus on our own issues, heal - we are able to see clearly.

I have said before, sometimes contact serves as a gauge to where we are emotionally, it is not always bad or good - it just is. 

We all have different paths - the goal is to focus within and heal.

Peace,

SB

[Ironmanrises]

No. Just seeing a glimpse of my exUBPDgf's face on Facebook the other day by mistake as I scrolled through old PM in my message box after 6+ months of NC was enough to spazz me the ___ out. I get what you are saying. For me, personally though, no. I have been reeling since.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Santa,

It is true, in my case, that just hearing her voice will bring me down for the rest of the day!

But heck... . I am still a newbie in this N/C business.

I know that most of you guys are a LOT more advanced in dealing with your expwBPD.    

Oh well... .

It is a learning process, regardless of how "painful" it is.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Moonie,

No boxing gloves for me. I have never been the one doing the emotional bashing. So it is more like a padded helmet for me when I respond to the texts of my expwBPD.

Ironman,

I understand your inner anguish with the lack of closure after 2 rounds.

I personally have no closure either.


(Still in the ring. I REFUSE to throw in the towel)


SoS

[santa]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

[santa]

Santa,

It is true, in my case, that just hearing her voice will bring me down for the rest of the day!

But heck... . I am still a newbie in this N/C business.

I know that most of you guys are a LOT more advanced in dealing with your expwBPD.    

Oh well... .

It is a learning process, regardless of how "painful" it is.

I had tons of communication with my ex for about 5 months after we broke up, so I see where you're coming from. It was basically a waste of time though and kept me emotionally involved in the situation. We have a daughter together, so it wasn't just a clean break.

If you don't have kids with this woman, my advice is to run... . far and fast. You don't want to deal with these people if you don't have to.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

Thanks Santa,

My expwBPD, as crazy as she is, is not into stalking or any vandalism of personal properties.

Thank the gods!

After a decade of me being a CoD, I am just suffering a little with her being like a malignant, inoperable tumor in my mind.

SIGH... .



SoS

[seeking balance]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

It is true RO's have happened; however, it is not the norm... . sometimes we can get so fearful of "what if" when we read the worst stories that we can forget our own reality and our own relationship.

It is important we stay balanced -

No boxing gloves for me. I have never been the one doing the emotional bashing. So it is more like a padded helmet for me when I respond to the texts of my expwBPD.

this is good - stay true to who you are

Be wise and mindful of the disorder and of your own emotional needs - that is all we really can do.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

If you don't have kids with this woman, my advice is to run... . far and fast. You don't want to deal with these people if you don't have to.

Santa,

No, we don't have kids.

But like Skip has clearly stated earlier in the thread, it is the emotional disengagement that keeps tripping me up.

I am CoD... . and I am taking SSRIs.

BUT... .

WAIT... .

I am working VERY HARD to get myself out of this rut.

[KE151]

I have a similar experience where breaking NC (or very LC) helped me stop ruminating and I started seeing things more clearly. I didn't feel shti at all during or after the event. We had a very civil encounter where I actually apologized for my bad behavior of the past, and she sort of did for hers (she has never ever admitted to anything bad, or genuinely apologized). What it did though, was it has made me doubt about her condition (is she really as bad as I remember... . ?)... . but it's under control. This is not occupying my brain anymore. I realized I'm ok by myself, and I don't need her to feel good about myself, nor do I need her to love me. Still detaching and recovering, but breaking NC turned a corner for me for sure.

She's a high functioning waif, passive aggressiveness being the most prominent symptom.

[Waifed]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

I thought I knew who my ex was.  I never in a million years thought she was capable of calling the cops on me.  Very sobering when you find out just how out there they can be.

[happylogist]

I also broke NC after 6 months after he contacted me, and to be honest it helped me to detach. I think in the very beginning it is essential to have some time by ourselves, so I still support the idea of NC immediately after the breakup. But in my case I also had a lot of questions, I was reading also about the communication techniques and trying to find my mistakes. On the top of everything, I rarely remove people from my life, even if they were abusive, it is more the way I am - probably CoD and FOO issues... . so talking after 6 months helped me to find closure.

I also find that NC keeps people in extreme states - either hardcore idealization or devaluation, it is almost symptomatic to breaking up with pwBPD (the Leaving board has many posts written either in one or other tone). I also had moments of extreme reminiscing and missing, as well hurt and anger, I felt uncomfortable with both and wanted some clarity.

So after breaking up NC I am more in balance. I understand now very well that there is no push without pull and there is no idealization without devaluation, I don't crave idealization or pull, because I know that these come together. Also I was very honest with him this time, actually I did not care about saving him, so could tell him everything that was so suppressed in me... .  For me breaking NC was a way to find the missing closure.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I have a similar experience where breaking NC (or very LC) helped me stop ruminating and I started seeing things more clearly. I didn't feel shti at all during or after the event. We had a very civil encounter where I actually apologized for my bad behavior of the past, and she sort of did for hers (she has never ever admitted to anything bad, or genuinely apologized). What it did though, was it has made me doubt about her condition (is she really as bad as I remember... . ?)... . but it's under control. This is not occupying my brain anymore. I realized I'm ok by myself, and I don't need her to feel good about myself, nor do I need her to love me. Still detaching and recovering, but breaking NC turned a corner for me for sure.

She's a high functioning waif, passive aggressiveness being the most prominent symptom.

KE151,

Yeah, I know it is a bit weird.

While we are constantly ruminating during the N/C period, our pwBPD could be on a totally different page.

Geeeeez, talk about reciprocity.

We've never had it (in the actual r/s), and we just aren't going to have any established in the future with them.

It's a sad, sad, thing... . To love a BPD person whole heartedly and never have that reciprocated (except in our heads).

[Skip]

... . there is no idealization without devaluation

Well said.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I also broke NC after 6 months after he contacted me, and to be honest it helped me to detach.

I also find that NC keeps people in extreme states - either hardcore idealization or devaluation, it is almost symptomatic to breaking up with pwBPD (the Leaving board has many posts written either in one or other tone). I also had moments of extreme reminiscing and missing, as well hurt and anger, I felt uncomfortable with both and wanted some clarity.

So after breaking up NC I am more in balance. I understand now very well that there is no push without pull and there is no idealization without devaluation, I don't crave idealization or pull, because I know that these come together. Also I was very honest with him this time, actually I did not care about saving him, so could tell him everything that was so suppressed in me... .   For me breaking NC was a way to find the missing closure.

Happylogist,

BINGO!

To be in extreme states of emotions without clarity IS BPD-ish.

Seeking and finding balance and closure could well be the keys to healing for us.

Bravo!

[santa]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

I thought I knew who my ex was.  I never in a million years thought she was capable of calling the cops on me.  Very sobering when you find out just how out there they can be.

I hate it that happened to you.

With my ex, I know there's a real possibility of her calling the cops on me. She's brought false charges before and then signed an affidavit swearing she made the whole thing up. She's a mess. I feel like she's pretty likely to try to get me in trouble again if I give her the opportunity, so I am steering clear of her.

[seeking balance]

Just as a frame of reference too, I know several members of this board were hit with restraining orders and other police intervention when they broke no contact and tried to communicate with their ex. Some of these BPDs are more dangerous than others.

You know who you're dealing with, so if you think there's a possibility of that happening, be careful.

I thought I knew who my ex was.  I never in a million years thought she was capable of calling the cops on me.  Very sobering when you find out just how out there they can be.

I hate it that happened to you.

With my ex, I know there's a real possibility of her calling the cops on me. She's brought false charges before and then signed an affidavit swearing she made the whole thing up. She's a mess. I feel like she's pretty likely to try to get me in trouble again if I give her the opportunity, so I am steering clear of her.

NC is wise for you both since you both have had charges filed; I can only imagine that must be quite traumatic.

Not everyone's process is the same - this is part of the balance in understanding our own emotions and motivations so we can heal.

[Perfidy]

Back in October she sent a pic to my phone. I really didn't think I would've hear from her again. I didn't respond. It was contact I suppose, but I didn't get emotional. It just creeped me out a little. Living with myself and the choice I made to be with her has been the biggest obstacle for me. The grieving and depression seem to be way out of proportion with what I really lost. I should have done the happy dance when we spilt, so I reflect on my self. I have no desire for her. Part of the deal was the idealization. Oh, she claimed to love me like no tomorrow, I was the one she needed. F'd up attachment between two sick individuals. Go figure.

[charred]

I recycled about 7-8 times with my exBPDgf... and was NC at times... so I kind of obviously broke NC a few times.

When I rationalized getting back with her... for all the wrong reasons... it turned out horribly.

The last times I did communicate with her, it helped hasten the end. I had decided I was going to enforce my boundaries and require that she prove anything that sounded unlikely/untrue. She started out nice... and within about 20 minutes was taking shots at me, which I pointed out what they were, and refused to engage her... after a while she asked if I trusted her... and I pointed out a list of lies that backed up not trusting her... and she acted shattered... but then was insulting again. Making it clear I wasn't believing anything she said... simply because "she" said it... seemed to take the fight out of her.

Did notice she could change directions and arguments so fast it was very hard to keep up... and rather than keeping up... it worked better to point out the attempted evasions from the original point we were discussing.

I feel like I had my beliefs that she was knowingly/intentionally manipulating and lying to me... . confirmed.  Integrity matters to me and she made it crystal clear that she totally lacks integrity. So maybe it was helpful.

[winston72]

Detachment is the goal, not no contact, as Skip posted so succinctly.  Initially for me it was the goal, and one I could barely conceptualize.  I was hoping detachment would be the by-product but it was too hard for my mind to grasp.  Deception on a broad basis and cheating was a big part of her behavior toward me.  As time went on, I was deeply attached emotionally to my fond memories of the good times and quite hurt and immobilized by the bad times.  But, the good times were manufactured by her, or were they?  In my case, it was not a matter of mirroring and idealization, but of willful intent on her part, or so I discovered.  I thought and felt that I needed to Face the Facts and be clear in my understanding of what really happened and when it happened.  So, I asked her!

I emailed her and engaged in a somewhat formal question and answer exchange.  She was willing to answer my questions.  It is a long story, but I needed to establish enough communication and trust for her to believe that I was not doing this to punish her.  Also, I had to be able to think she would tell me the truth.  In this process, I realized that I did want to punish her and that I could not fully trust her!  But, my desire to know the facts was more compelling and I did think she would give me the basic information that I sought.  I was not looking for her interpretation of events... . just when she met the other guy, what they were doing and when... . not the gory details, just the basic outline.  For example, we had a lovely Christmas celebration one year and I held those memories closely and pined for them.  To learn that she was active with the other man at that time allowed me, even required me, to put my own memories in a more accurate context.  So, it helped me.  It hurt me, I grieved, but I felt like I was seeing things clearly and in some ways for the first time.  The grieving could lead to a next step, not a cycle.

One difficult aspect of this process for me was asking her to admit to her wrongdoing.  I was not punishing her, I was not reacting to her... . I was just confirming facts.  But, it was really hard for me to do.  I felt bad for her!  It was really enlightening for me.  I was holding her accountable for her behavior and, as a consequence, holding myself accountable for my own responses.  This was new for me, new for me with her, and very awkward for me.  A good exercise of new muscles.

As a bit of information, my ex was in a long distance relationship with someone else when I met her.  We were together for a year before I learned of this.  My relationship with her continued tortuously for two more years.  The information about this other man came out slowly... . so slowly.  Many of my fond memories were in the first year.  So, I had a distinct "split" in my experience of my ex.  She was this loving partner and this lying con artist.  And, this split in me was due to a split reality... . I learned about a whole new aspect of her in a sudden shock when I learned of this guy.  I needed to integrate these images of her into a whole person.  Just communicating with her directly was the best path for me. 

[bewildered2]

to break nc or not... . that is the question... .

when you are out of the fog and are seeing things clearly, then it is not a problem, and it can even aid further recovery towards a safe place... . because the spell is broken... . and you can see it for what it is and was.

but, to break nc when you are still in a bad spot is likely to lead you back into the bad place that you are trying to escape from... .

so... . it all depends... . where are you on your path to recovery?

b2

[RecycledNoMore]

Sos

I get where your coming from... .

Ex contacted me, After many attempts I responded,

Hes still a jerk.

Now all I have to do is stop punishing myself for responding.