I'm beginning to question if it is BPD?

[misssouthernbelle]

I don't know what to do. He can't even see me face-to-face, he's so broken right now after getting out of an abusive relationship 6 months ago. We've been texting since we first met and have only met once because he's so scared and has trust issues from childhood sexual abuse and the relationship abuse thus far.

He basically pleaded with me in the beginning to "make him" see me. I couldn't do that. I was not going to be abusive like his ex-girlfriend. We've kept in contact daily/weekly and he finally confided in me two nights ago that he has always felt the same as me, and likes me, but the fact that I've stood by him for four months now and haven't left him like all the others scares him too much and then, he says it's also the biggest comfort in the world. He also told me the fact that I care enough to get to know why he is how he is and haven't left him means the world to him, but scares him. He said the side of him I saw that told me he's always felt the same doesn't come out very often because he's so broken and when I said I'd like to see him more often as he heals, he said as long as I mended him.

He is in the pattern where he'll want to see me, text me asking to come over, then when I say come over, he'll talk himself out of it, saying he's drunk, or whatever. He'll even get to the point where he will say he's sobering up, but will not consent to coming over, but will keep saying he wants to. It's maddening, but I know it's because he really wants to, but just can't do it.

He then text me at 3am, after having a panic attack like he's been having lately, asking to come just sleep next to me for comfort, but I was asleep.

It's breaking my heart. I want him close to me so bad, as we've gotten so close emotionally and I know he wants it too.

What breaks my heart even worse is when I see these anonymous (I can tell they are his) posts he puts on this popular college app we both have - where you can post secrets and see them nearby - saying that he wants to find a girl that treats him like his ex never did and saying that he's looking for her.

It really hurts my feelings, considering what he confided in me and the fact that I treat him good, but I know it's probably just him thinking out loud because he can't even talk on the phone, go a day without having a panic attack, or meet in person, so how is he going to date easily?

He even said on the app recently that he wanted to cuddle a girl so bad, but it was impossible because he is broken right now. The next thing I know, he texted me and said he wanted to come over and cuddle, but couldn't come through.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to get him to trust me. He said the first moves would have to be by me, but he won't come over. I don't know if I should tell him I'm coming to him the next time he wants to come over and not take no for an answer, or what, as that seems the only way to get him closer to someone that's not a guy friend.

I'm just confused and really care a lot about him. It's been four months now.

The more I get to thinking guys, the less I think it's BPD. Actually, I think his ex-girlfriend had BPD and he was just showing symptoms, as she always told him how worthless he was, ordered him around, broke down his 50-foot walls with her non-boundaries, etc.

Opinions? Advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CPWUSAF33]

MSouthenBelle:

He doesn't sound BPD to me either.  He definitely has mental issues; but, they don't seem to match up w BPD.  What makes you think he is a pwBPD?  Did he tell you that?  Was he diagnosed?

If you're not comfortable answering, no worries.  I'm just asking so that I may offer help or direct you to help on here. 

Make sure you read the information on the right side of this screen.  "What is personality Disorder?"  and "What does it take to be in a relationship with a borderline?"  That would be a great place to start.

CPWUSAF33

[kft]

Couple things to consider:

1) How do you know his ex was abusive? Did you witness the abuse yourself or did he just tell you all about it? Have you considered the possibility that BPD people split and project, that in all likelihood his ex is just a normal girl like you but that he projected his own feelings of self-hate onto her? Was she always telling him he wasn't good enough, or was he always thinking he wasn't good enough and just assuming that's what she felt too?

2) If he doesn't have BPD what, if anything, does that change? What's important is that his behavior is making you unhappy. Read the lessons, the truth is the advice here is applicable to all kinds of relationships, not just pwBPD.

3) When you say "I don't know what to do" are you looking for help in fixing him so you can have the relationship you want or are you looking to remove your own unhappiness from the equation?

[KateCat]

I think kft has some helpful cautions for you.

I don't know how to get him to trust me. He said the first moves would have to be by me, but he won't come over. I don't know if I should tell him I'm coming to him the next time he wants to come over and not take no for an answer, or what, as that seems the only way to get him closer to someone that's not a guy friend.

Is it possible that former girlfriends did just this and then became abusers in his mind?

Would you be strong enough to bounce back readily from a failed experience with this poor fellow or would it be traumatic to find yourself villainized by him should he begin to see you as his enemy? You might need to be prepared for this to happen, if this is his pattern in relationships.

[elemental]

Best way to get what you want from this guy is to go no contact. When spider gets hungry, it comes creeping out of it's web.

[Grey Kitty]

The question "does he have BPD" isn't all that useful... .

A much more useful quesiton is this: Do the tools here make your r/s work better?

I'm assuming that you have read enough here to have had a chance to try some of the tools we use like enforcing boundaries, not being invalidation/not JADEing, etc.

Either way, it sounds tough.   

I've got another question: Is this long distance or tele- relationship working for you?

 GK