It Finally Happened... I Just Stopped Caring

[designgrl]

Yup, It finally happened... . He went off on one of his twisted little emotional conversations with me and I sat there the whole time and thought... . I'm so glad you cheated on me, you did me a favor, you are really messed up, I can't wait to get the hell away from you so I can have some peace and quiet again!

It didn't even make me feel bad when he criticized me for the "over exaggerated body gestures" I was making, or my "weird facial expressions" or how he regrets marrying such a "small minded" person or "what I did" to him to cause him to cheat on me.  (After all, he was only trying to tell me how these things made him feel, because these things about me make him feel uncomfortable and his feelings are very important. )  Yup, I just sat there and thought, what the hell is he talking about ?, wow I put up with this crap way to long!

Tomorrow I plan on leaving, we finally have a fairly mutual divorce agreement and I've been given the green light from my lawyer to leave.  I'm not surprised that he let loose on me one last little tyrant... . he doesn't know that tomorrow is my exit day but I bet he can sense it.  After he was done making his points and being right, he walked out of the room and I just sat there and laughed.  The old me would have been crying and trying right away to "fix" myself so he would be happy with me... . the new me has stopped caring! Hello self-esteem it's so nice to see you again!

Reading the threads here has been so helpful in allowing me to see him and his actions for what they are.  It's not about me, it's really about him and his disorder.  His needs are endless and internally generated.  What ever I do, it will never be enough. It's not possible for me or anyone to "fix" it because his discomfort comes from inside himself. 

[UnLuckyLady]

KUDOS TO YOU!

Love that you are getting reacquainted with your self esteem.  I can imagine how much lighter you must feel!

Really, congratulations and all the best to you 

[fromheeltoheal]

Excellent!  That is so refreshing to hear, that you can detach while still in his presence; funny how when we get to that place a borderline just seems so ridiculous.  Take care a you!

[hybridax]

It always amazes me that its OUR fault for them to seek someone else out and cheat on us.  It makes me sick.

[santa]

Caring about a BPD is the worst mistake anyone could make.

[drxap]

Caring about a BPD is the worst mistake anyone could make.

santa,

Most of the time I feel the exact same way. However, I feel like the experience is really forcing me to grow in ways that I would not have otherwise. Luckily I got out early, before marriage and before kids.

[ShadowDancer]

Caring about a BPD is the worst mistake anyone could make.

santa,

Most of the time I feel the exact same way. However, I feel like the experience is really forcing me to grow in ways that I would not have otherwise. Luckily I got out early, before marriage and before kids.

THIS is the great irony of the whole damned PD experience. I feel that upon finally and firmly "seeing the light" I am evolving into a better person for the experience... . in an abstract standing upright kind of way. Admitting I had my head way outta the window. Facing and dealing with my own stuff. Watching the blame game. Voicing and living my truth as best as I am able. Feeling real lucky. Grooving on this one life. Gonna have to get my shades on.

[Cimbaruns]

It must be wonderful to fully feel that piece of you and to feel that HUGE uncomfortable weight that you've been saddled with lifted!

Congrats!

I had a similar experience... . I was told that I just didn't do enough for the relationship time and time again... .

All the while it was a set up for the excuse to cheat !

Justifies it for them I guess and in the long run was the ultimate last straw for me and the r/s

Stay strong designgrl and allow that self esteem to flourish and grow... . there's a wonderful person under there just waiting to be YOU

[designgrl]

Yes, my fog is beginning to lift and I have now accepted the fact that my marriage wasn't ever going to be what my hopes and dreams wanted it to be.   This has been the wackiest relationship I've ever been involved in and I realize why I followed him down the rabbit hole.  Do I have regrets? Nope, no regrets just life lessons learned.  Why beat myself up with my choices from the past that I can't change, I'd rather focus on what choices I can make today for myself. 

Sometimes I read threads on here and I become overwhelmed thinking, WOW I'm doomed to keep recycling with him if I talk to him or allow him to have any contact with me.  But my reaction to his emotional, manipulative, mean dribble last night made me realize that I'm just done.  He has so many issues and I just don't want a subscription to any of them anymore.  He can talk to me, try to manipulate me, say whatever to me today, tomorrow, next week, three months from now and I know I will still be done. 

[heartandwhole]

Sometimes I read threads on here and I become overwhelmed thinking, WOW I'm doomed to keep recycling with him if I talk to him or allow him to have any contact with me.  But my reaction to his emotional, manipulative, mean dribble last night made me realize that I'm just done.  He has so many issues and I just don't want a subscription to any of them anymore.  He can talk to me, try to manipulate me, say whatever to me today, tomorrow, next week, three months from now and I know I will still be done. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is some self-esteem cake with you-go-girl icing! Proud of you designgrl 

[sadinnc98]

I am so happy for, and proud of you!  I have been there, in that place during a relationship where i knew I was done, and just did not care another second... its such an empowering feeling, realizing you don't/won't have to put up with the BS anymore. I bet you feel such relief! Cheers to you and to your new beginning!

[Boisnix79]

Ok, I totally get it... . but why is it that I feel so damned guilty for thinking about leaving... . Even though she is pretty, successful and intelligent, I STILL feel guilty for not caring... . like underneath it all she is just a 5 year old girl yelling for my help... . and if I leave, WHOO is ever gonna help her?

Guys will try to use her for sex as soon as they see shes "high maintenance", her parents are chinese and have problems of their own emotionally, Im it... .

Codependancy or am I just being a good person and tryign to help?

And when is it healthy to draw that line?

So confused

[drxap]

Ok, I totally get it... . but why is it that I feel so damned guilty for thinking about leaving... . Even though she is pretty, successful and intelligent, I STILL feel guilty for not caring... . like underneath it all she is just a 5 year old girl yelling for my help... . and if I leave, WHOO is ever gonna help her?

Guys will try to use her for sex as soon as they see shes "high maintenance", her parents are chinese and have problems of their own emotionally, Im it... .

Codependancy or am I just being a good person and tryign to help?

And when is it healthy to draw that line?

So confused

You really just need to stop worrying about what she needs. Feeling guilty for them is just another way for them to gain control over you.

Does this person make you happy and care about your needs? Romantic relationships need to be a two way street, unless being a parent to your partner is your kind of thing.

[Boisnix79]

DRXAP,

Thank you. Nice to hear it put so simply.

I'm truly not getting my needs met.

Thanks a lot

[Boisnix79]

I am so happy for, and proud of you!  I have been there, in that place during a relationship where i knew I was done, and just did not care another second... its such an empowering feeling, realizing you don't/won't have to put up with the BS anymore. I bet you feel such relief! Cheers to you and to your new beginning!

I want this. I'm just scared. Soon