Excerpts from my daily life with the borderline mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This morning I was thinking about the things my uBPD mom said to me on a daily basis growing up. I’d like to share some with you:

- You shouldn’t think you know everything! (I actually never said that I did   )

- Don’t they teach you anything at school?

- You wanna ruin my birthday!

- You gotta stay home during the vacation to do your homework! (Ok, how does that work cuz we ain’t got no homework in the vacation… )

- You musn't go out all the time! (What you say? I barely ever went anywhere because I wasn't even allowed to.)

- The only reason they want to be with you is to steal your knowledge. (And exactly how are they going to do that? By using magic perhaps?)

- Who gave that to you? You shouldn’t eat that, maybe they are trying to poison you! You’re naïve! (Of course, I’m the naive one here  )

- I can’t help you with your tuition because I gotta save for my vacation. (After first promising to help me)

- You shouldn’t keep bringing these things up. You gotta forget otherwise I can’t go on with my life. (Yep, it’s all about her life!)

- Maybe you really need a psychiatrist now. (Really? I need one? But with her there’s nothing wrong of course)

Her words were like poison and she always managed to say the things that would hurt me the most at the times they would hurt me the most. I’m very happy I’m no longer in that toxic environment but the wounds are still there though. However, I am doing better….with ups and downs. For nearly 30 years I believed that she would someday change her behavior only to realize that she probably won’t ever change and that my oldest sister is exactly like her. It was Mother’s Day 2010 and my mother went into ultra victim and crazy mode and my sister turned into the Witch. Looking back this was a very difficult day to deal with, but it was also a real eye-opener for me. It helped me get out of denial. I always knew there was something seriously wrong with them, but before this particular Mother’s Day I still regarded them as normal people who could be reasoned with. After this happened I started looking for information and after a while learned about BPD. It was shocking to read articles about BPD because it felt like my own life was being described. At the same time it wasn’t shocking at all because I always knew that there was something seriously wrong with them, I just didn’t know the name of their disorder. But now I know! 

[Kwamina]

This morning I was thinking about the things my uBPD mom said to me on a daily basis growing up. I’d like to share some with you:

- You shouldn’t think you know everything! (I actually never said that I did   )

- Don’t they teach you anything at school?

- You wanna ruin my birthday!

- You gotta stay home during the vacation to do your homework! (Ok, how does that work cuz we ain’t got no homework in the vacation… )

- You musn't go out all the time! (What you say? I barely ever went anywhere because I wasn't even allowed to.)

- The only reason they want to be with you is to steal your knowledge. (And exactly how are they going to do that? By using magic perhaps?)

- Who gave that to you? You shouldn’t eat that, maybe they are trying to poison you! You’re naïve! (Of course, I’m the naive one here  )

- I can’t help you with your tuition because I gotta save for my vacation. (After first promising to help me)

- You shouldn’t keep bringing these things up. You gotta forget otherwise I can’t go on with my life. (Yep, it’s all about her life!)

- Maybe you really need a psychiatrist now. (Really? I need one? But with her there’s nothing wrong of course)

Her words were like poison and she always managed to say the things that would hurt me the most at the times they would hurt me the most. I’m very happy I’m no longer in that toxic environment but the wounds are still there though. However, I am doing better….with ups and downs. For nearly 30 years I believed that she would someday change her behavior only to realize that she probably won’t ever change and that my oldest sister is exactly like her. It was Mother’s Day 2010 and my mother went into ultra victim and crazy mode and my sister turned into the Witch. Looking back this was a very difficult day to deal with, but it was also a real eye-opener for me. It helped me get out of denial. I always knew there was something seriously wrong with them, but before this particular Mother’s Day I still regarded them as normal people who could be reasoned with. After this happened I started looking for information and after a while learned about BPD. It was shocking to read articles about BPD because it felt like my own life was being described. At the same time it wasn’t shocking at all because I always knew that there was something seriously wrong with them, I just didn’t know the name of their disorder. But now I know! 

[Clearmind]

I would recall similar things. What helped was to turn these things around and right out boundary statements for what I would say now if the same things were said to me. It really helped. Part of my resentment when I was an adult was the feeling I was not protected as a child. Now being an adult I had to find ways to protect myself - to help me feel safe.

Boundary statements really helped.

[Calsun]

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for your post.  

"Her words were like poison and she always managed to say the things that would hurt me the most at the times they would hurt me the most."

That was my uBPd mother.  For my mother it was all about undermining my growth and autonomy.  She wanted me to be forever dependent on her and never leave her.  And then she acted as though, when she fostered that dynamic, that it was her children who were not independent enough to leave her.  There was this horrible dynamic of abuse from my mother and then a felt need to take care of her.  She would rage, abuse, say the meanest things, become physically violent, and then she would be down on all fours wailing like a little child.  This was my mother, and I felt as though I was constantly failing at providing her with the love that I was supposed to show to her.  If only I was more loving.  I didn't realize as a child how skewed that environment really was, that I was not supposed to be taking care of my mother, she was supposed to be taking care of and loving me, and that it wasn't supposed to be with an eye toward lifetime dependence and infirmity, but that she was supposed to encourage my maturity, my growth, my strength, my independence and my vitality.

That was not the case.  My uBPD mother subconsciously wanted me to be infirmed, to be dependent, to be unable to function on my own, to lack confidence.  She was and is very ill.  It has been a struggle to regain my strength.  It is important for me to recognize this hidden dynamic that no one spoke of in the family and to be conscious of the ways that I have internalized it and hurt myself with it.  

There is still this outmoded sense that by following my mother's voice, I will be safe.  But in reality, it is a very destructive voice that has hurt me. It is amazing how in dealing with a BPD mother all of these years, the reflexive need for denying her illness and its effect on my life is still so powerful. It was the way my father taught us to respond to my mother's illness, by denying it, pretending that it wasn't having an impact on our lives.  No matter what was going on around us, he could bury his head in his newspaper, zoned out on tranquilizers, and act like nothing was wrong. Neither parent was really functional, even though my father held the illusion of functionality and being good.  Coming to terms with my father's weakness, his condoning of my destruction at the hands of my mother and his abandonment of me in my need for support and protection has been a particularly painful and difficult part of my own recovery and growth.  I still feel this sense of disloyalty towards him and a profound aloneness whenever I acknowledge that reality, that important part of the family sickness.

Thanks, Kwamina.

Calsun

[Tayto]

My mother once said to me

I am your mother and demand respect

to which I replied

you see, thats the thing about respect, its earned but you know deep down you don't deserve it,so you demand it.

today I called and of course I get

im fighting with your sister

Thats a surprise I said.its not like you to be falling out with one of us.

[P.F.Change]

Kwamina,

These kinds of statements can be damaging to a child. No doubt.

It sounds like you are describing your breakthrough crisis. Have you taken a look at the Survivor's Guide? ---> What step do you think you are working on right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Kwamina]

Thanks for all your responses!

@Clearmind

Boundary statements really help me too. Your resentment for not being protected when you were a child is something I've experienced too. I'm trying to move on and am much better in dealing with my uBPD relatives now, but I still struggle with accepting how things were before. When I write down the statements my mother made that hurt me the most, it becomes clear to me how damaging her words really were. And I keep discovering new things. I was so used to the BPD dynamics that I didn't see a lot of things anymore.

@Calsun

…... .

That was not the case.  My uBPD mother subconsciously wanted me to be infirmed, to be dependent, to be unable to function on my own, to lack confidence.  She was and is very ill.  It has been a struggle to regain my strength.  It is important for me to recognize this hidden dynamic that no one spoke of in the family and to be conscious of the ways that I have internalized it and hurt myself with it.  

…... .

It is amazing how in dealing with a BPD mother all of these years, the reflexive need for denying her illness and its effect on my life is still so powerful.

From reading your recent posts I see that you've been hurting a lot but it's also clear that you've come a long way. You're better aware of a lot of things now and that's very important because otherwise you probably wouldn't be able to change them. When I was a kid I found my mother's controlling behavior extremely frustrating because I just couldn't understand why she was treating me this way. I now also realize that she did this to keep me weak and prevent me from becoming independent. She also did it out of jealousy which is crazy because how can any parent be jealous of a 10 year old child right?... . but an uBPD parent isn't just any parent and that insight has allowed me to see things more clearly now. I have found that as I heal more, paradoxically I often also hurt more. I wasn't fully aware of just how much I was cut off from my own emotions. Back then it wasn't safe to mourn any losses, just had to go on, act as if nothing happened and try to survive. Now that I have survived I'm finally mourning the losses and I must say that they really hurt. Not just the things my mother said and did, but the consequences her actions had. She really undermined my self-esteem and self-respect and that is something I took with me wherever I went. I'm working to undo the damage but for me this really is a process filled with ups and downs.

@Tayto

My mother once said to me

I am your mother and demand respect

to which I replied

you see, thats the thing about respect, its earned but you know deep down you don't deserve it,so you demand it.

That's a great point you make here. My mother's double standard was always very confusing and enraged me. She felt like I should always treat her nicely no matter how badly she treated me. I see the double standard clearly now, but as a young child I started questioning my own sense of reality. Mother's are always right aren't they? So if she says that nothing happened or that I'm in the wrong she must be right of course... . WRONG!

today I called and of course I get

im fighting with your sister

Thats a surprise I said.its not like you to be falling out with one of us.

I wonder how your mother replied to this?

P.F.Change

I have read the entire survivor's guide but I can't say that I'm just working on one particular step right now. I've been working on step 16 and 17 a lot and am seeing the changes in me and how I interact with others. But there are certain earlier steps that I keep going back to as I become more and more connected with my true emotions. I'm still doing a lot of mourning for the negative influence my own mother has had on how I felt and thought about myself and how this indirectly influenced my own behavior. Step 5 is also very relevant for me, I still struggle with acceptance a lot and often still ask myself how on earth it is possible that my own mother treated me this way? But she's uBPD so she wasn't a real mother at all, I know this and have changed the way I interact with her now but the past still hurts me. Especially the consequences, all the broken friendships and relationships and all the missed opportunities.

Mother's Day 2010 was definitely my breakthrough crisis. It was a very difficult day for me, and the days after that were kinda surreal. I was very angry at my uBPD sis but two days later she came to the house and assumed an extreme victim role. I was shocked and totally unprepared to deal with this kind of behavior because 'normal' people just don't behave like this. She used my shock and unpreparedness to get back in. Right after their joint outburst on Mother's Day, my uBPD mother went into some sort of dissociative state which was extremely bizarre to witness. She just sat on the couch motionless and it seemed like her mind was somewhere else, like there was no one home. Reflecting on these events made it clear to me that there's really something very wrong with my family of origin. If these things hadn't happened, I might still have been in partial denial, still treating them as if I were dealing with normal people and still hoping they would someday change.

[searchingstability]

I read through all of this and it really rang true to my past and the phrases my mother often used with me. Sometimes just hearing someone use a phrase or a tone that my mother used in the past just sets me off into a mood where I have to be alone and talk myself back to the person I have worked so hard to be. The other day I had a conversation with my mother about learning how to build a fire:

ME: Would you teach me how to build a fire in the fireplace?

MOM: Why? Your new boyfriend [4th date with a guy] should now how, if he is a real man.

ME: Well, I'd like to learn how so I can do it in the future.

MOM: Hah. I bet you can figure it out. If he doesn't know how to do it, he won't be a good man or husband to have around the house.

(after my date and the aftereffects of 2 people who have a vague idea of building fires)

MOM: Why didn't you clean up the fireplace appropriately? You left the flue open which cooled down the whole basement.

ME: Oh no! I'm so sorry!

MOM: Yeah, the heater worked overtime to heat up the basement. You deliberately raised my utilities bill. You have no concept of money, do you?

ME: I'm really sorry, Mom. I promise to do it right next time.

MOM: It's amazing that with the amount of degrees and experience between you two, you couldn't figure it out. [We both went to prestigious liberal arts schools, he's getting his masters, and I just spent 2 years in an African village]

Sometimes she desperately wants to be close to me, but when I present her with an opportunity to teach me something and spend time with me, she acts like I'm some sort of fool who is annoying her. After telling me to "figure it out", she criticizes everything and if one thing is out of place, it's all a failure to her.

[Kwamina]

Hi searchingstability 

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I've read your introductory post on here, it must be very difficult having to deal with your mother's troubling behavior after having been free from it for two years. I also found it very difficult living in the same house as my mother. Only after I moved out I learned of BPD, if I had had this knowledge back then maybe it would have been easier to deal with her but it probably would still have been very hard. Working on setting boundaries with your mother is gonna be very important in your current situation and also trying not to take the things she says and does personally, as hard as this may be. Something that really helps me is that I've drastically lowered my expectations of my mother. Before I was always shocked and very hurt whenever she raged at me because I still believed and hoped she would change her behavior. Nowadays I fully expect her to misbehave and make sure I'm prepared mentally and emotionally to deal with it. When you're still living with her this is much more difficult though, I realize that. Learning to deflect her negativity and not let her get to you is very important. No matter what she says about you, it isn't a reflection of who you really are but only a reflection of her own inner chaos she's projecting onto you.

Sometimes just hearing someone use a phrase or a tone that my mother used in the past just sets me off into a mood where I have to be alone and talk myself back to the person I have worked so hard to be.

This happens to me too. Certain words trigger a lot of emotions in me, like the word 'naïve'. My mother made a lot of frankly very stupid decisions yet has the audacity to call me naïve when she's the one acting crazy. She said I shouldn't eat things people had given me because maybe they were trying to poison me. It was bad enough having her level such a horrible and absolutely baseless accusation, but she also added that I didn't know these things because I'm young and naïve.

ME: Would you teach me how to build a fire in the fireplace?

MOM: Why? Your new boyfriend [4th date with a guy] should now how, if he is a real man.

ME: Well, I'd like to learn how so I can do it in the future.

MOM: Hah. I bet you can figure it out. If he doesn't know how to do it, he won't be a good man or husband to have around the house.

(after my date and the aftereffects of 2 people who have a vague idea of building fires)

MOM: Why didn't you clean up the fireplace appropriately? You left the flue open which cooled down the whole basement.

ME: Oh no! I'm so sorry!

MOM: Yeah, the heater worked overtime to heat up the basement. You deliberately raised my utilities bill. You have no concept of money, do you?

ME: I'm really sorry, Mom. I promise to do it right next time.

MOM: It's amazing that with the amount of degrees and experience between you two, you couldn't figure it out. [We both went to prestigious liberal arts schools, he's getting his masters, and I just spent 2 years in an African village]

Do you feel like your mother feels threatened by your high level of education? Or that she might be jealous of your accomplishments? I read in your other post that your mother might loose her job soon. It could be this has triggered or reinforced her own insecurities about herself and that she's taking this out on you now, trying to raise her own self-esteem by attacking yours.

[musicfan42]

I would recall similar things. What helped was to turn these things around and right out boundary statements for what I would say now if the same things were said to me. It really helped. Part of my resentment when I was an adult was the feeling I was not protected as a child. Now being an adult I had to find ways to protect myself - to help me feel safe.

Boundary statements really helped.

Hi Clearmind,

What are boundary statements? Would you explain the term to me and give me an example of what a boundary statement is.

I notice that my family members tend to communicate in a passive-aggressive way.

For example, one of my family members can be a bit b1tchy but when confronted about it, she says "oh it's just a joke!"  I end up getting frustrated and losing my patience with her but she loves that.  She loves pushing my buttons and seeing how I will react. I definitely see it as manipulative behavior and I want to stamp it out asap.

I've considered saying something firm like "don't speak to me like that". I don't want to say something "I don't like it when you do X" because that sounds too weak. I know that assertiveness training talks about making requests as opposed to demands. However, if someone is disrespecting me, then surely that crosses the line into abusive behavior? In that case, wouldn't I be entitled to be more forceful and make a demand by saying "don't behave like that towards me"?

How do you think I should handle this Clearmind? I'd appreciate your advice on this issue, especially as you've given me good advice in the past re self-esteem.