Coping okay but still fixate/grind on way too much of family trajectory...

[lucyhoneychurch]

In March it will be one year since my mother passed.

Since mid-Feb of '13, my brother ceased contact with me after returning to the family fold after his own NC of 7 years.

I know he did what he had to do.

Both in his FOG mentality we both always attempted to address and in his financial straits, it seems obvious it was the route he'd go. But I didn't see it coming not ever.

We share a medical issue, he and I and his son who is 11 now - chromosomal genetic in origin. My sweet little nephew has dealt with it since birth.

I've suffered the effects since age 44 and I am 51 now so 7 years of alot of crap.

I see him contacting me if and or when he develops the pretty inevitable problems.

And I see me telling him to go to hell.

And then I feel ashamed that I can carry such a fury for how he's done me. When he never heard from them and had made his own NC decision, he'd rant about their abuses and behaviors. He was married to a woman with drastically profound substance abuse problems that their little boy witnessed time and again.

I was with him nonstop through the court hearings and trauma that both he and my nephew endured.

I feel like a price tag was on me the minute he went to see her in the hospital and they must've discussed him being the 2nd executor  to her will - his name is right behind the other sibling's that I expected and had been told would do it - fine, that makes perfect sense, someone has to do it besides elderly father.

His name on there, and the last text I got from him, I will just have to tell myself this is how it went. This is the fallout from years and years of this insanity. He did what he needed to do and I cannot continue to keep trying to move the pieces to a more suitable outcome. It is ridiculous.

But with the winter weather and other stresses and tensions, that seems to be the immediate mode I go to -

Betrayal I guess is the word for what I feel he did.

So he betrayed me but perhaps even more himself.

Abandonment - but back to people who have never ever been nice to him.

That has to suck.

I am hoping that this week's warming trend over the weekend will give me both the real and mental sunshine to sort of snap out of this. It's a huge waste of time.

My house needs painting inside and out and I think if I can redo some rooms and update some things and make it fresh it will improve my outlook tremendously.

How might I break the masticating grinding bhit mode I get in?

Any advice? I prefer to have a good drink when times are good ... .

thank you

[Sitara]

That has to be so hard, having support and suddenly finding it gone.

I have no advice because my sister and I have never been close, so it was no surprise she disappeared right along with my parents when I left, and it was actually a little relieving because she's fairly toxic too.

I just wanted to let you know you we're here for you even if we don't always know what to say. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Thank you Sitara so much... . your kindness is much appreciated.

Went over to a little Greek place this amazing couple have and got a beer and talked to the wife of the team... . she is alot of awesome energy and compassion and very involved with any of us who come there for food. We get TLC too .

So the sunshine today and out and about paying bills getting things done has helped.

Just feel poked full of holes. Mentally.

Wish there was an emotional equivalent to that spray you put into a tire as it's going flat... . No Flat or something... .

Coat the insides of our psyches with abuse-proofness