My morning vs her mornings

[joshbjoshb]

When I leave for the gym or whatever in the morning, and she is taking care of the children, prepping them to school, almost always when I come back there is some screaming, crying, you name it. "I will throw your crayons to the garbage" she told my 5 years old when she started playing with crayons instead of eating breakfast. She is a really good kid and listens all the time. Yesterday it was "I will rip your paper" in a different occasion when she didn't do what she asked right away.

Same goes for bed time. Almost every night I am home at bedtime, trying to make it as pleasant as possible for my children... . but when I am not, I can guess (and sometimes  hear on the phone) the screaming and yelling.

One poster here mentioned how caretakers of BPD spouses are more prone to depression. I am looking back and it's def. what I have to battle with. That feeling of loneliness, you are the only one in the house who is basically a stable adult, with no shoulder to lean on when you need.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissTajo]

Im really sorry that you are feeling that way. For what you describe I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to do something good and try and keep the peace inside your home and to know that the other person is not "trying " as much.

I really hope she gets better soon and realizes she is missing so much with all the yelling.

Is she on mood stabilizers? That would help a lot.

Keep strong 

[CPWUSAF33]

I feel for you Josh.

I don't know if this will help; but, I brought up two boys whose mother (my wife of course) is uBPD.

My youngest was gifted with empathy and extrodinary social skills.  While he suffered under the constant rages from his mother over the years, he was able to separate her rage from affecting his own life.  He is well adjusted, has left home and is very successful.  He is the most joyous person you'll ever meet.  So, I hope that gives you hope--he grew up just fine.

My oldest; however, was deeply affected by the verbal abuse over the years.  Especially the "put-downs."  He is gifted intellectually, muscially, and artistically; but, he suffers from low self-esteem.  Like you it was me that held the pieces together over the years and kept him as stable as possible.  It took him longer than most; but, he did graduate from college, and is leaving home next month--and he'll be fine.

I say this to encourage you and let you know you're doing the right thing by being there for your children.  I will tell you that your BPD wife will turn this against you as they grow older.  She will most likely accuse you of spoiling the kids, being their friend, and poisoning their minds against their mother.  I never did those things; but, that is what I am accused of during her "black" moments.  I was way more protective of my boys because of their mother; but, I never turned them against her.  Unfortunately I didn't even know my wife's problem was BPD until just about a month ago.  You have the advantage of knowing early.  As a result, when your children are old enough, you can have a conversation about their mother's illness. Not to turn them against her; but, to assist you in helping her. 


You're a great Dad Josh--I can tell.  Your wife will try to convince you otherwise.  Stay strong--stay encouraged!

[Love Is Not Enough]

One poster here mentioned how caretakers of BPD spouses are more prone to depression. I am looking back and it's def. what I have to battle with. That feeling of loneliness, you are the only one in the house who is basically a stable adult, with no shoulder to lean on when you need.

I am right there with you. I am down a deep hole right now and feeling the loneliness.

Is she on mood stabilizers? That would help a lot.

My gf went on Prozac recently and has been less reactive. Which translates into less abusive threats to our 3 and 5 year old. Maybe you could talk her into asking asking her doctor for some. They hand them out like candy it seems. I can't take them because I become psychotic.

I say this to encourage you and let you know you're doing the right thing by being there for your children.  I will tell you that your BPD wife will turn this against you as they grow older.  She will most likely accuse you of spoiling the kids, being their friend, and poisoning their minds against their mother.  I never did those things; but, that is what I am accused of during her "black" moments.  I was way more protective of my boys because of their mother; but, I never turned them against her.  

Thank you for the encouragement and the warning. I could definitely see that happening. I hate always being the bad guy. "Babe, maybe it's not a good idea to give a 3 year old two cups of macaroni and cheese. Especially since she is genetically predisposed to obesity." I have been thinking a lot lately if there is any hope for our children. I just don't know if I will be able to provide a stable enough environment for them to grow up to be mentally healthy adults. Plus I fear that I will be replaced at some point with someone who, at a minimum, wont care for them as well as I do or at worst, will hurt them.

Is there any bottom to this hole?

[MissyM]

Oh, we definitely have this issue at home.  My dBPDh doesn't understand the idea of consistent discipline.  He either does nothing or goes overboard with threats (that he isn't going to keep).  Therefore, the children really only do well be in his care when they are rested and already fed.  Part of his recovery work as a father, is to work on this.  He always says that the children are just afraid of me and that is why they behave for me.  It is really laughable, they aren't afraid of me but feel very secure that they will get the same consistency from me.  This is a nonnegotiable for me, this has to be worked on before he can move home.  My children's mental and emotional health is paramount.  Right now, he is really wanting to work hard on this.

[hergestridge]

My wife also turns to threats against the kids all the time and it becomes abusive. She initiaties games and playing activities that are a bit too advanced for a three year old, and when the girl can't handle it, mommy blames the girl. Now look what you did. We were going to have a great time, and you destroyed everyting!

Last time it happened I took her aside and told her not to treat my daughter like that ever again. At first she became defensive, but when she saw how angry I was she just fell silent and went all pale.

I have discussed this with a therapist, and this behavior is very damaging to a child's self esteem.

For a BPD person everything is aboout them. Even when their children play, their honor and dignity is at stake and the battle is on. Frankly, they shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

[misneach]

They shouldn't be allowed to have kids? I know a great many people who don't have BPD who should have never been allowed to have kids. My uBPDh does have an issue with keeping realistic expectations with our children. When he gets angry he goes overboard with the punishment (grounded for the rest of the school year to your room etc) but he always changes his mind later. This does create some confusion and unstable discipline in our house. I am also constantly blamed for letting them "walk all over me" and "never making them do anything". I just have reasonable expectations of them. Kids are kids.

Even with the instability he creates in our home my h is a good father. In reality they are not his children; they are mine but he has made them his own. With all of his issues he is still a far better man than the one who contributed half their DNA. Thankfully my younger two daughters do not remember their father (ages 8 and 9). My h is their dad. Unfortunately my oldest (12) does. I have had her in therapy for years over all that happened with her father that she remembers. He destroyed my little girl and has no mental illness to blame it on. He was just evil and she paid heavily for my weakness for taking too long to leave.

In this world there are real monsters and they aren't under beds or in closets. I realize not everyone is like my husband. From reading some of all of your experiences I realize how truly lucky I am with my uBPDh. Just be careful not to put them all under the same umbrella. They all vary as with any other disorder.

[ugghh]

Sadly our pwBPD do a great deal of damage to our kids.  Just the other day I was driving with S16 and we were joking around and he said "You better stop or I will drive this car off the bridge into the river!" Which he followed with a sly grin.  He was of course quoting my uBPDw /stbx with one of her statements burned into his memory as a younger child.

[hergestridge]

Misneach, I was beaing a bit drastic when I said they shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Firstly society can't tell who should be allowed to and not, so it's a non-discussion. However, your situation is different from mine. Your BPD guy is not a main caretaker. You are their mother and if his behavior would turn out too excentric you could just throw him out that same day. Imagine if you were the one with the BPD.

What you describe that your BPD partner doing is emotionally immature and I recongize it from my wife. She rationalizes the harsh punishment as if it was some kind of necessary lesson, but the truth is it's a revenge act. Emotionally they're on the same level as the kids, but they have so much more power. So what they actually do is that they bully the kids. That they change mind afterwards or even regret what they did only adds to the confusion and doesn't make things much better as I see it.

I understand that your BPD guy is a good father compared to the father of your oldest, but what kind of standard is that to meassure things by?

What are willing to put up with because you met the worst man in the world?

[misneach]

Both of you make very valid points. I do worry sometimes what effect his behavior will have on my children but so far they seem to tolerate it reasonably well. Thankfully I was gifted with very strong willed little girls.

Ugghh... . I can completely empathize with the bridge comment. Not with my current uBPDh, although he has said some things around my kids that made me seriously think about caving his head in with a frying pan, but that is exactly what my ex used to do except he just did it because he thought it was funny. He actually flipped his truck with all 3 of our kids with him... rolled it across railroad tracks and into a field flipping it 4 times and landing upside down... . proving that kids or not he'll do exactly as he pleases. He was bringing them back to me after his weekend visitation and I was on the phone with him when he flipped it. That was the last time he ever saw my children. I do know the damage that can be done.

hergestridge... . I am not measuring uBPDh to my ex in any way. He is a good father by my standards not  by comparison. In reality it was my ex who showed me exactly what I WOULDN'T put up with. I am not here because I have no other choice or think I can't leave. There isn't a man on this planet I can't live without... . well except for my dad. What I tell people is my ex instilled the strength in me that allows me to stay with my BPDh because it is my choice. I am the stability. He is not the biological father of my children so if I left him he would have no right to them. The house, everything in it, and our vehicles are all mine or in my name. I make the steady income. I don't need him. But I do want him and that makes all the difference.

I don't have a reason for loving him... . I just love him. It isn't something he earned so it isn't something he can lose. There are days where I question if its worth it but I'm always glad that I stay. There was no change in him. He is still just as cruel as he always was at times and he still breaks things from time to time. He makes me furious much more than he makes me laugh but it only makes the laughter more precious.

But as you said that is my situation and I do realize that it isn't the same. My cousin married a woman who I believe has some mental issues but I'm not around her enough to make an intelligent assumption diagnosis. She is neglectful and mean. Bullies their daughter into doing what she wants her to do... . even demands her to date a boy her daughter really can't stand. They have 2 sons whom she totally ignores. If you looked at her Facebook page you'd never know she had 3 children. My cousin had to quit his job to try to make money at home because he couldn't trust her with the kids. When their youngest was 6 she forgot to be home to get the boys off the bus and they were left in the cold until she finally remembered to come home. My cousin has lost all respect and feeling for her but he can't leave because she is "the main caregiver". Indiana isn't a father friendly state. He's miserable but he stays for his children. In my book that makes him the world's greatest dad.

I stayed with my ex for so long (8 years) because it took me that long to get the evidence I needed to make sure when I left I never had to give him my kids ever again. That's exactly what I did. As hard as it is to stay I do also know how much harder it is to go. I am terribly sad to hear of how your children are treated but at least they have you. It doesn't make it all better but it could be a lot worse. As parents the best you can do is try to shield them from your less than fantastic past decisions which is hard when that questionable decision is the other parent. Mine was a downright moment of sheer brain dead stupidity which I will never be able to make up to my children. I can never tell my oldest sorry enough to ever make it ok. How do you make a kid forget her father dragging her out of her house and down the street while she kicks and screams for her mom until finally he stopped and decided to hold a knife to her throat and taunt me with her till the cops showed up? She was 5.

Bottom line is you have to have faith in your children. My oldest is deeply troubled but she maintains straight A's in all advanced classes and has big plans for her future. They might damage them but you can stop them from breaking and that's what really matters.