Here we go again - she turns on a dime

[guitarguy09]

 

So last night we went out to a really nice restaurant and had a romantic evening together. We had great food, wine and dessert. Everything was going great. We even met a few new people at the restaurant (group dinner type of thing).

Fast forward to back home. She puts a picture on Facebook of us, and before I know it, she's snooping all over my account and checking out my friends' profiles. I'm used to the snooping, but it concerns me because she can easily find something to be jealous of another person about, or angry about. So she found out that I am still friends with my mom on Facebook (apparently a mortal sin) and starts to flip out and tell me why I need to remove her as a friend. I have finally gotten to the point of wanting to totally get rid of my account. I don't want to unfriend my mom or put up with all the crap my uBPDw gives me for having her on my friends list. Frankly, there have been other times when Facebook has helped her cause conflict and I no longer want that to be a tool for her to use. I seriously wonder what she'll do when she can't find a way to see what my family's doing or what their friends are doing.

So there we are having a great evening, and her mood turns on a dime. Not to mention that she sent more nasty emails to my family all about how they have hurt her (exaggerated) and about how they are acting ridiculous. I told her we're not going to that particular restaurant again if she's going to act like that after. It's certainly not worth spending the money if that's what will happen.

So frustrated right now  To make my day complete today, I texted with my sisters and they told me how tired of her they are. Frankly I don't blame them at this point.

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[CPWUSAF33]

Amazing isn't it?  You can post something like that and virtually everyone of us can say, "Yep, been there, done that, got the T-shirt!" 

I have a sports car that can't turn on a dime faster than my BPD wife.

I dropped my car off to get it repaired about two weeks ago.  They asked me if I could leave it and I said sure.  So, I called my son's cell phone and it went right to voice mail.  So, I thought it was probably on the charger.   So, I call the house phone and my BPD wife answers.  I said, "Hi hon, can you give the phone to Tim so I can get him to pick me up at the garage."  She says, "Why didn't you call his cell?"  I said, "I did; but it went to voice mail... . battery is probably dead."  She says, "I come get you and slams down the phone."  She picks me us and says, "This is doesn't make any sense.  Why isn't your son picking you up!  He drives that car the most and he should be taking care of it."  I said, "I asked you to give him the phone so he could pick me up."  That's when she went into a rage of how I was a rotten father and spoiled my son all these years and ruined our families life!  She hasn't spoken to me since then and it has been two weeks!  How's that for turning on a dime!

It is really quite astonishing how we can find ourselves in these situations for absolutely NOTHING! 

You can't be friends with your mother on Facebook?  Yep, you don't even have to explain--I totally get where you are my friend!  If only you were close by, I'd pick you up and we could go have a beer somewhere.

Peace!

[MissyM]

Oh, guitarguy I am sorry.  It is really upsetting that having too good of a time seems to set them off.  My dBPDh tends to flip over after we have been particularly close.  This seems to be a hallmark of BPD.  Not sure what is recommended on this site.  We have talked about this in therapy and they have recommended I just say that I notice he pulled away.  Of course, my dBPDh admits he does this.  So I don't know what you would do with a BPD that isn't aware they do this.

[zaqsert]

Hi guitarguy09,

It can be rough going through all that push/pull with our pwBPD.

Have you been working through the lessons (links at the right of the page)?  Once your wife dysregulates, there's really nothing you can do to calm her down.  She has to learn to do that on her own.  You can, and should, look after yourself and get yourself out of the way so that you don't become her emotional punching bag.  Boundaries can help here.  Of course with the introduction of boundaries can also come extinction bursts.

As far as Facebook being a trigger, try to focus on what you want.  Keep in mind that if you try to remove triggers, it often becomes a bad game of Whack-a-Mole -- take one trigger away and another one pops up that you never thought of.  So remember to keep in mind what you want -- Facebook, good relationship with your family, other things?

I know, much easier said than done.  So many of us here are still going through the journey and continuing to learn along the way.

[bruceli]

So last night we went out to a really nice restaurant and had a romantic evening together. We had great food, wine and dessert. Everything was going great. We even met a few new people at the restaurant (group dinner type of thing).

Fast forward to back home. She puts a picture on Facebook of us, and before I know it, she's snooping all over my account and checking out my friends' profiles. I'm used to the snooping, but it concerns me because she can easily find something to be jealous of another person about, or angry about. So she found out that I am still friends with my mom on Facebook (apparently a mortal sin) and starts to flip out and tell me why I need to remove her as a friend. I have finally gotten to the point of wanting to totally get rid of my account. I don't want to unfriend my mom or put up with all the crap my uBPDw gives me for having her on my friends list. Frankly, there have been other times when Facebook has helped her cause conflict and I no longer want that to be a tool for her to use. I seriously wonder what she'll do when she can't find a way to see what my family's doing or what their friends are doing.

So there we are having a great evening, and her mood turns on a dime. Not to mention that she sent more nasty emails to my family all about how they have hurt her (exaggerated) and about how they are acting ridiculous. I told her we're not going to that particular restaurant again if she's going to act like that after. It's certainly not worth spending the money if that's what will happen.

So frustrated right now  To make my day complete today, I texted with my sisters and they told me how tired of her they are. Frankly I don't blame them at this point.

This is the main reason I do not par-take in social media.

[guitarguy09]

Cpw - sorry to hear about your experience as well. Yes, it is truly amazing!

MissyM - Right. I didn't think that was possible, but it certainly seems to be.

Zaqsert - yep, I have been trying to go through the lessons as much as possible. It is very tough particularly when we get into a circular argument and she is yelling and screaming. Yesterday we were about to go out, and she started in on an argument about my family. She yelled and screamed and said she was done with me. After calling up people and no one offering a place to stay, we ended up going out and having a nice evening. Then at the end of the night, she said "why don't you tell me that you love me more often" Ugh... .

Bruceli - starting to realize that more and more! I deactivated my account temporarily.

[guitarguy09]

I think my family also tends to make things more difficult, not less. They don't get that she has this disorder and are responding as if she should be able to control what she does. I think I definitely have the FOG in regards to my family. I need to read up more on that though.

[bruceli]

Cpw - sorry to hear about your experience as well. Yes, it is truly amazing!

MissyM - Right. I didn't think that was possible, but it certainly seems to be.

Zaqsert - yep, I have been trying to go through the lessons as much as possible. It is very tough particularly when we get into a circular argument and she is yelling and screaming. Yesterday we were about to go out, and she started in on an argument about my family. She yelled and screamed and said she was done with me. After calling up people and no one offering a place to stay, we ended up going out and having a nice evening. Then at the end of the night, she said "why don't you tell me that you love me more often" Ugh... .

Bruceli - starting to realize that more and more! I deactivated my account temporarily.

Yep!... . DW set me up on FB then was dysregulated for 2 days because she began to get nervous and angry that I would talk to other women!   No win scenario for sure.

[guitarguy09]

Yep!... . DW set me up on FB then was dysregulated for 2 days because she began to get nervous and angry that I would talk to other women!   No win scenario for sure.

It's been pretty nice since I deactivated my account. No constant notifications on my phone. Now I might have discovered why it is she has a problem with my family: They seem to be Narcissistic in nature. It kind of helps my self esteem to know I don't have to feel so guilty all the time because they have also done plenty to damage their relationship with me, and some with her as well.