Why we have so much pain

[Perfidy]

Because its worth it. Yes. When the pain is gone and it doesn't matter anymore we acknowledge what badasses we are for having weathered the toughest times of our life. I'm getting that feeling I had the day I made my first solo flight. Confidence. Confidence, I missed you.

[myself]

Stretched in ways we catch up with.

[mgl210]

I think that I suffer so much is because I strive so hard to not be like others that have hurt me in previous time periods of my life. Hence, I can forgive and forgive and etc etc... . Either that or I am a complete and total dumb@$$ for taking her back again and again... .

MGL

[Murbay]

Part of the pain you feel is your own core wounds. Just as a pwBPD has core wounds, so do we. The difference being they project rather than take ownership of that pain. It's that pain you feel right now that they are always running from and the difference between us and them is that we will own it, allow ourselves to feel it and ultimately work through it and heal.

When I started using these boards after the breakdown of my marriage to exBPDw, there was a lot of focus around identifying your own core wounds. What have you not dealt with or allowed yourself to deal with that has left you open to drawing in pwBPD? As you dig deeper, you will discover those things about yourself and that is where your healing process begins.

For example, the pain you feel right now because they left. Is that feeling really there because of what just happened? These are seriously disordered people, surely you would feel relief instead of hurt? At school, if you were being bullied every day and one day the bully wasn't there or they had found another target, would you feel that same level of pain or would you be relieved? Think Stockholm syndrome and the psychological affects that brings with it.

So why feel that same level of pain towards a disordered ex? We didn't know them, how can we when they don't even know themselves and the part we fell in love with was a mirrored projection of ourself. What does that say about us? What core wound have we not allowed to heal that the only way we can have self love is when someone else shows it to us? Did it stem from a particular event or did we not allow forgiveness to ourselves for something in our past? Was it something within our FOO or the way we perceive the world? How can we change that and move on from it?

Sometimes we have to reach back as far as we can remember because healing isn't just about getting past our last relationship, it's about addressing our past and learning to forgive. Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves too.

Just like with a pwBPD, that pain we feel right now is so intense because in most cases, we have been carrying it for so very long, long before our pwBPD entered our lives and in some ways, that's what attracted them to us and that's also why we allowed it too.

If you don't heal those core wounds, you leave the beacon on and like a moth to a flame, leave yourself open to the same repeated patterns in the future.

[mgl210]

I haven't totally forgiven all my wounds of the past... They remind me of what I am today and not what I once was... .

[Turkish]

Part of the pain you feel is your own core wounds. Just as a pwBPD has core wounds, so do we. The difference being they project rather than take ownership of that pain. It's that pain you feel right now that they are always running from and the difference between us and them is that we will own it, allow ourselves to feel it and ultimately work through it and heal.

When I started using these boards after the breakdown of my marriage to exBPDw, there was a lot of focus around identifying your own core wounds. What have you not dealt with or allowed yourself to deal with that has left you open to drawing in pwBPD? As you dig deeper, you will discover those things about yourself and that is where your healing process begins.

For example, the pain you feel right now because they left. Is that feeling really there because of what just happened? These are seriously disordered people, surely you would feel relief instead of hurt? At school, if you were being bullied every day and one day the bully wasn't there or they had found another target, would you feel that same level of pain or would you be relieved? Think Stockholm syndrome and the psychological affects that brings with it.

So why feel that same level of pain towards a disordered ex? We didn't know them, how can we when they don't even know themselves and the part we fell in love with was a mirrored projection of ourself. What does that say about us? What core wound have we not allowed to heal that the only way we can have self love is when someone else shows it to us? Did it stem from a particular event or did we not allow forgiveness to ourselves for something in our past? Was it something within our FOO or the way we perceive the world? How can we change that and move on from it?

Sometimes we have to reach back as far as we can remember because healing isn't just about getting past our last relationship, it's about addressing our past and learning to forgive. Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves too.

Just like with a pwBPD, that pain we feel right now is so intense because in most cases, we have been carrying it for so very long, long before our pwBPD entered our lives and in some ways, that's what attracted them to us and that's also why we allowed it too.

If you don't heal those core wounds, you leave the beacon on and like a moth to a flame, leave yourself open to the same repeated patterns in the future.

That's a great post, Murbay. I, like many I suspect here, got caught up in the Mystery of Loving an Abuser. Starving children scrambling for table crumbs when in reality we should have been sitting at the table of reciprocity all along.

[janey62]

It's a great post Murbay, but I just feel overwhelmed when I try to think about myself like that.  I know it's true, but there's just too much, too much accumulated and complicated hurt and loss from my early life.  The why I have it I know, its the what to do about it that I struggle with.  I think I know but then it gets hard to even think about it.

I'm a person who tries to cope, to weather the storms and keep on going, no matter what.  Everyone is always telling me how strong I am, and I'm always there for others, supporting them.  I seem so strong and no one really knows how hard I fight to keep going. 

I don't know how to begin... .

I've had lots of therapy over the years, and even trained to be one, working now with addictions, and that has helped a lot in terms of understanding myself and making sense of what has happened to me , but its not enough.  If it was I wouldn't find myself here in this terrible relationship, taking abuse from a sick person who says he loves me!

My mind is now so confused and entangled with his that I am feeling lost.  He was here last night, came round to comfort me because I feel so lost, on the brink of moving to a very isolated place by myself and starting again.  I'm really scared about being alone there, of the silence.  Anyway, he was drunk and got emotional, crying and trying to make sense of our broken relationship and pretty soon he got abusive, in the end saying that it was all my fault clearly because he's never had these problems in a relationship before.  He then started telling me that I must be a bad person because I've not got many friends (not true) and that no one really likes me... .   I asked him to leave and he refused.  I tried really hard to control my temper and went and shut myself in the bathroom.  He still didn't leave so I threatened to call the police.  He left then, calling me a bhit as he went. 

I so desperately wanted some comfort and all I got was savaged, again. 

I think I'm going to have to instigate no contact now, the thing I've been avoiding because it seems to final.

I saw him during the day yesterday and he was sweet and caring, worried about me because I keep crying all the time.  And I was feeling a bit better and stronger, probably because I'd been keeping the contact to a minimum and never when he was drunk.

Janey  :'(

[letmeout]

He then started telling me that I must be a bad person because I've not got many friends (not true) and that no one really likes me... .  

I can not count how many times my exBPDh used that line 'no one really likes you'  over the years. Its all a projection of course. I know it feels sad that you have to go no contact, but you know, it is the only way to stop hearing the bull they dispense.

[janey62]

I know, but I just keep hoping for some kindness from him, and he gives it and then takes it away again.  I feel so alone. I've let myself be isolated by the situation and leave my home, friends, family and now there's no going back.

I get paralysed by my bad feelings and almost like him, will try to avoid them when they get really intense.  I feel as if I'm going to break in two!

Today will pass and I know the NC is the only way forward.

I read The Mystery of Loving an Abuser earlier and although I can see how it happens, didn't relate it to myself, probably a bit of denial there... .

[Murbay]

Janey  

I completely understand where you are coming from and it can't be easy for you feeling so confused and entangled and you shouldn't have to put up with the abuse. It isn't right and it isn't fair and just shows your ex as someone not willing to take responsibility.

Probably the best way to begin is to take each emotion and feeling at a time and work with it. We are very similar in the sense that we have both looked for answers to our own issues by helping others with theirs. It brings a little bit of comfort and does help in many ways to understand our pasts though it is a band aid until you can address and forgive the past.

I too was in a very abusive marriage and had it from exBPDw and exMIL. I thought that if 2 people were saying the same thing then it had to be right. I was extremely grateful that my ex's T saw straight through her and became my T. He was my validation that I wasn't the cause but I did contribute. Even after pointing out that what was happening was abuse, I still stayed on thinking I could help her instead of taking care of me first. We only take abuse from others if we allow them to do it, nobody else has control of our feelings and emotions unless we allow them that control.

The good news is we can stop it just as quickly by enforcing our boundaries and strengthening them but that is something we need to work on. If someone doesn't like our boundaries, the let them walk away because there will always be someone out there who will respect them. Instigating NC is to help you, it's to help you gain strength and work on those boundaries, gather perspective and find yourself in a much stronger position. It doesn't have to be final though if you let someone back in, you have to make sure they respect those boundaries because you owe it to yourself.

From your post, your ex is clearly in denial of his responsibility to the issues in the r/s and tries to project them on to you. He could be right in that he has never had these problems previously, maybe the others didn't tell him or maybe they ended things before he triggered or maybe is isn't being completely honest and is in denial. I would tend to think the latter as people don't just suddenly become abusive (unless through certain trauma). Whether you have 1 friend or 100 is not really any concern of his and does not reflect on your character.

Refusing to leave when you asked him to is complete disregard of your boundaries and adding insults at the end is disrespect. Those are things he cannot blame on you because the only person in control of your feelings and emotions are you and the same applies to him too. If he is angry and abusive, those are his things to own and he cannot project them on to you or blame you for his actions.

The hardest part I had after the end of my marriage was clearing out the clutter. She took no responsibility for anything and I took responsibility for everything. It took quite a number of therapy sessions and a few disagreements between me and T (said I was still giving her too much credit and not enough to myself and I disagreed   ) for me to start seeing what was her responsibility and releasing it. Once that started to happen, those feelings of being overwhelmed started to disappear and I was able to then focus on core issues. If you decide to go NC, that might be the best place for you to start, getting rid of his responsibilities that he has put on you and then working through what it yours to own.  

As for the silence, it's only there if you allow it to be there. Start to fill it with things that you want to do or enjoy doing, maybe take up a new class or put together a list of things you would love to do then take them one step at a time. In time you should learn to appreciate that silence, although I understand right now how scary it can seem especially if it starts to fill with negative or intense emotions but as you replace them with happiness, that silence becomes your friend.

[janey62]

Thank you Murbay for taking the time to respond to me and write such kind, wise words; in reaching out and talking to me you give me the courage to get up and face the day... .




ps.  what you said about thinking you could help your ex rings a bell with me.  I have got this thing about men, especially those a couple of years younger than me (which he is), a need to protect them.  I've got a brother who is 2 years younger than me and I protected him (or tried to) when we were little from my mother who singled him out for extra punishment.  Its something I've always felt, a strong emotional response to men who are vulnerable... . and he is, when he is crying, in pain and confused I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to take his pain away.  But of course I end up being the one in pain.

I know I've got to let go now... .

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Janey,

I have the same almost "automatic"response to protect people and to take care of them when they feel vulnerable. My T asked me who I had to protect when I was smaller, his question started a chain reaction inside of me.

I had to protect and take care of the needs of my younger sisters, I was made responsible for my mothers emotional healt and balance, while she was in a violent marriage.

I think I give to people, and especcialy to romantic partners, what I needed the most myself when I was a child. I set myself up for hurt in this way. My giving isnt as noble as it seems to appear, I expect protection and the same level of "care" back and reactivate my pain again and again, by seeking out partners that just arent able to give it back to me.

[Murbay]

Janey and dog biscuit, there is very much a common theme going on here as I too protected my sister which started my need to take care of vulnerable people. We were put into a caregiver role at a young age at the cost of having our own needs met or in my case even having needs aside from the basics. Our needs became taking care of others needs, especially when it came to our younger siblings. In abusive relationships the reason I have stayed has been to protect the children.

However, I didn't come from an abusive family. My father was abusive but my parents divorced and he disappeared. My mother worked several jobs to provide for me and my sister day and night so was never really around. When she was at home she slept between jobs so I was left to take care of my sister.

I don't hold any blame or animosity towards my mother as she did what she had to to provide for me and my sister but I developed into someone with very few needs and someone who gives rather than receives. Unfortunately that sets you up for abusive or dysfunctional relationships and is the source of a lot of pain.

[Turkish]

Hey Janey,

I have the same almost "automatic"response to protect people and to take care of them when they feel vulnerable. My T asked me who I had to protect when I was smaller, his question started a chain reaction inside of me.

I had to protect and take care of the needs of my younger sisters, I was made responsible for my mothers emotional healt and balance, while she was in a violent marriage.

I think I give to people, and especcialy to romantic partners, what I needed the most myself when I was a child. I set myself up for hurt in this way. My giving isnt as noble as it seems to appear, I expect protection and the same level of "care" back and reactivate my pain again and again, by seeking out partners that just arent able to give it back to me.

Sounds like my uBPDx's childhood. Yet she is borderline, and you are not... . even whined about her lost childhood as a way of justifying herself... .   traumas or no, we must all remember that we are individuals.

[seeking balance]

Because its worth it. Yes. When the pain is gone and it doesn't matter anymore we acknowledge what badasses we are for having weathered the toughest times of our life. I'm getting that feeling I had the day I made my first solo flight. Confidence. Confidence, I missed you.

Perfidy - seeing your write this brings a smile to face!

Self confidence can be rebuilt - especially if we go through it without jumping into a new relationship or some other external soothing.

Self discipline is key to self worth and weathering the tough time requires discipline of emotions... . discipline to feel them and discipline to not let anger rule.

Good post Perfidy!

SB

[Perfidy]

Hitting a real sweet spot SB.

[janey62]

Again, its all pain!  I'm waking up with it, feeling so raw.  The caretaker is fully engaged at this moment.

On Saturday night he came over to keep me company.   I agreed to this in a moment of weakness because I was feeling so lonely and scared.  I'd seen him earlier in the day and he'd been kind and sweet and showing concern for my upset state.  We'd agreed that my moving away was a good thing for us because things were better between us before when we didn't live together.  I really am in a panic about moving on my own and he's the only person I know here... . he was going to help me move, all was calm and friendly.

I failed to factor in the time of day though later and that he'd probably be drunk.  He was and upset and stood in my kitchen sobbing for about 20 minutes, feeling his usual bad feelings and added to that he feels like he's losing me.  He then wanted to talk, which is never a good idea anyway, but when he's drunk it always goes badly.  He is in denial about any responsibility he has for this situation and pretty soon was telling me its all my fault and that he's never had these problems in a relationship before, something I've bought into in the past when he's said it because I feel insecure about my track record. 

He then told me I haven't got anyone here because I'm a bad person who nobody likes.  At this point I asked him to leave and he refused.  He kept refusing so I threatened to call the police (not done that before).  He left and I've heard nothing since.  The lights are off on his boat and I'm getting more and more worried about what he'll do. 

Even if suicide isn't an option for him (it is in my imagination), he behaves in a reckless way, getting drunk, falling over on a pontoon on a very fast flowing river estuary, setting fire to the boat accidentally (twice).  His father, also a depressed alcoholic, died from a brain haemorrhage after falling while drunk and hitting his head.

I'm sat here panicking, woke up panicking, and have written, but not sent, a text asking him if he's ok.  The thing is I don't want to send it because I know its a game, albeit a sad one.  He will have got what he wants in his twisted mind, me looking after him.  But I can't bear the not knowing if he's ok... . and I know I ust need to take care of myself and move far away.

But, I feel as if i'm losing my best friend. 

It's like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up!