Hi There L6

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks to this wonderfull bpdfamilyboard!

I feel happy for being on the PI board, and hoping to learn ( and to show some support to) from the experience and personal struggles of other members who are looking inward to overcome the pain and confusion that's been left after our r/ships.

I desperatly want to take a personal inventory and join in on the discussions, topics, to learn and grow, and to heal myself.

I am not sure where to begin my PI because firstly I feel the need to tell my story in order to see where I went "wrong". It's still to blurry, and i need to put it out there for others to read and reflect on it.  I am affraid to share my story on the public board because it is to personal and recognisible.Is there a possibility to share my story here on this board so I can get some objective feedback and reflection?

English is not my native language, as you all surely have noticed  , so I excuse myself in advance for my broken english.

[heartandwhole]

Hi dog biscuit,

Welcome to P.I. !    We are here, waiting to hear your story.  Tell us what you'd like to understand and work on in yourself.  We're listening. 

P.S. You say that English is not your native language, but I didn't notice at all!

heart

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks for the warm welcome Heartandwhole!

[Dog biscuit]

Okay, Im ready to share my story, and gather an objective view on it.

I feel very isolated with my story, and there isnt much safe space for me to share it. My social network is small and the few people I can share my story with dont understand the impact it has on me, or they simply can not comprehend what happend. Therefor I still struggle bigtime with getting a clear picture about all the crazy things that happend during the r/s.

I was involved in a LDR for 2 years with a man that shows strong borderline traits. In the last emails I recieved from him ( wich he sended from another account so he could get past the email block), he mentions he is diagnosed, but I dont know if that information is true. However, I dont have a doubt about his disorder.

I met this man trough a mutual friend. He came out of 3 year r/s and was single for aprox 4 /5 months when we started dating. Or thats what he told me. When i first met him at this party at our mutual friends house, a year before we started dating, he was still with his former gf. They sended me a friendrequest trough FB and I befriended them both. During that year I noticed their r/s status changed a lot, on and off, and on and off again every week. I didnt think much of it at the time, they were somewhere in the outline of my social circle, and I was busy with living my life. There was no special connection or something. I wasnt drawn to them, or to him.

A year after the party and our befriending on FB, I recieved a message from him. It was a nice message asking how I was doing and that he remembered our meeting and that he would like to catch up sometimes. We started an online conversation, and he told me he was single for a couple of months, and that he and the ex were good friends, but that it didnt work out between them.

We started emailing, and it became flirtatious. It was nice and funny. After a while we started putting little flirtatious messages on each others FB accounts, and we set a date to meet each other.

He came to my city ( he lived 2 hours away) and we had a wonderfull date. There was chemistry all over the place, it was unexpected for me, because I never felt attracted to him in our prior brief contact at the party. But the date was so nice and amazing. Sparks were flying all around, or so it seemed.

He told me during the date about his ex gf, and everything was noice and peachy between the two of them. they were friends, and they were both looking for new r/ships, he told me. He returned home after our date, and in the evening I noticed that his ex gf blocked me on FB. I was taken by surprise and ask him about it on the phone later that evening. He said he didnt know what was going on but that he would ask her about it. He wasnt blocked.

The next day I get a phonecall from our mutual friend telling me that his former gf commited suicide and that they found her body that day. It was a shock!

Later that day he and I called, he was broken and shocked, and in great pain. I asked him if he needed support, he confirmed and me and our mutual friend  got on the train to be with him, and to offer support. We where all pretty much shocked by her dead in our own way.

I returned home that evening after comforting him and offering some support. It felt wrong to continue the romance that has just started after this tragedy. It appeared that she killed herself on the day of our first date. I had no clue about what was going on, and it wasnt the right time to ask questions about it. It was very sad.

They days following her death, we kept in touch over the phone. He cried a lot and was an emotional mess. He was preparing her funeral with her family and asked if I wanted to be there for him during the memorial he organised. He needed my support. I went. I was very shaken by this tragedy too, and didnt understand what had happend. I asked him about it, and he explained to me that she had a lot of emotional troubles, and was severely disordered, and that that was the reason for their BU, months before. That she probably blocked me because of the flirtatious messages that were visible on our accounts.

After the funaral we stayed in touch. I offered him my friendship, and was very clear that I did not want to explore a r/s under these circumstances. It felt to heavy and to inappropriate to start a r/s with him at this point in time. He agreed. We had a lot of contact during that time, we called every day and I offered him my support as a friend.

In the weeks after her funeral, he started to express how sorry he felt that we could not start a r/s now. I expressed the same feeling but was very clear about it. It was a shame, but there was no way this could be a healty foundation to build a r/s on. Wrong place, wrong time.

2 months after the funeral we saw each other again to make closure and to depart as friends. He came over to my place and it was good to see each other again. It was comforting for the both of us. We talked and cried and laughed, and when it was time for him to go home, he asked me if he could hold me for a while before we would separate. We held each other, and one thing led to another. It felt wrong but comforting at the same time.

And so we became lovers... .

I asked him that day if he told his exgf about our date, and asked him if they still had something going on when she commited suicide. He told me he did not spoke to her in the days before her death, and that she didnt know of our date. But this story he told me, took on many diffenrent forms in the months to come.

We started of slowly. I wanted to take things slow because of her death and his emotional state. I am very much used to be on my own, and I need space and time for myself, my work and my kid. I offered him that we could meet each other every two weeks for a weekend and in the remaining time could have contact by phone, as we allready did. He was fine with that altough he expressed that he wanted to meet more often. I refused kindly by expressing that I wanted to take things slow.

We called and spoke a lot on the phone. He expressed his grief and hurt, and called me many times in despair of the suicide. It broke my heart every time, and I wanted to be there for him as far as I could. Sometimes i couldnt be there for him, because it became to heavy for me, and I needed support myself. I got concerned about the dynamic of our beginning r/s. I was the emotional caretaker because he was broken down emotionally. I discussed my concern with him, he agreed to my concern and joined a supportgroup for people who lost their loved ones on suicide. We saw each other every other weekend and it was really nice. He wrote me a lot of emails, 3 or 4 a day, expressing his love for me, and how lucky he felt to have met me. He expressed that he was very much in love with me, and how our love was destined to be.

I recieved some strange phonecalls and mails from him during that time also. It confused me greatly. All of a sudden he was raging and accusing me of sleeping around when I wasnt with him. It was almost like talking to another person. It was confusing and I tried to give him more validiation of my love for him. After another phoneconversation where he accused me of not loving him and just playing with him, I got angry and set a boundary towards this kind of conversation. It was so hurtfull, and i couldnt understand his sudden moodswings. There was no reason to doubt my faithfullness or commitment to our starting r/s.

After those conflicts he was crying histerically and offering excuses and telling me how he wasnt himself because of the suicide. He said he was so affraid to lose me, and that his world would shatter if that happend. He said he was affraid that he would blew it, like he always did in r/s. He said he felt very insecure becuase of the suicide and that he had no control over his emotional outbursts.

His explanation made sense to me. I thought it was the aftermath of the suicide that made his behavoir unpredictable and erratic. But the cycle of love and hate begin to spin more quickly. One moment he was complety in love with me, and the second after he accused me of being a b!tch and hating me.

I began to understand that this was no reaction to the suicide as he claimed, but that this was something inside of him. I began to dread his emails, and his phonecalls... . I began to see a pattern.

What confused me, was that when we were togheter everything was fine. We hardly ever argued when we were togheter. We cuddled, we made love, we laughed, we relaxed, we were happy when we were togheter. It was the times we were not physically togheter that raised his insecurety and need for control. He wanted to call and skype every day or he would get insecure. I gave him a lot of attention and expressed my love for him every day, but it never seemed to be enough. When ever I had some spare time, I woud hop in the train to meet him. But his raging increased rapidly. It felt like the more love and security I offered him, the worse he treated me.

I was rapidly exhausting myself. He kept me up all night on the phone, crying, raging, sending me text messages, when I had to sleep and wake up early to take care of my child. When I silenced my phone, he used to start mailbombng me instead, treathing to harm himself.

He was totally out of control, and blamed me for being not there for him when he needed me. He said he would go and find other woman to fullfill his needs. He treathend me that he was going to sleep with other woman if i didnt give him the attention he needed.  It was maddening. It was crazy.

I contacted a therapist because I didnt know how to handle the relationship anymore. I wanted to break it off, I couldnt take anymore of the rapid cycling between loving and hating me. I did not tell him about the appointment, but i needed support, I was drained.

After the first appointment with the therapist I got seriuosly ill. A tumor was discovered in my neck. I had to have sugery and examinations to determine if it was maligant or begign? ( is this the right word for it?) It was such a nightmare, I was scared sh!tless.

I shut down completely and was on survival mode. His raging outbursts stopped during that time, but he still needed my constant reassurance and attention. it was all about him. He was scared, he was frightend, he needed reassurance.

He came to visit me in the hospital and was sweet and caring.

When I returned home after the surgery ( the tumor was begnine, thank god!) I felt very weak and vulnerable. He was there taking care of me, but he wanted intimacy and sex. I didnt. So the raging cycle begun again. I broke the relationship of at that point, and sended him home. He left and started mailbombing me, texting, he was in total panic, expressing his pain and sorrow, promising me to get help for his crazy behavoir, and telling me he couldnt live without me. Telling me how much he loved me, telling me he did not wanted to lose me. We recycled a couple of times, but it only got worse. I felt like I was constantly on a losing end. I couldn not win, no matter what i did. I set boundary's, I validated, I yelled back, I became more understanding, I tried everything but nothing changed.

It was crazy! Finally I broke it off to never recycle again. That is now 8 weeks ago, and I am still finding skeletons in the closet about what was really happening during the r/s.

I am trying to figure out what my part in the dynamic was, and how to prevent it in the future, but it all seems so blurry. I have been played like a fool, and i let it happen. Ignoring all the red flags that where screaming at me. I still dont know how much of the crazyness was circumstancial and if I could have prevented it to get this crazy and damaging.

I hope my story is appropriate in this L6 board. It doesnt contain a real question for now, but I question myself and my motives a lot. But first i need to get the story out, its been boiling up inside of me, and I didnt know another place on this board to post it. I hope it is appropriate here.

I feel so guilty about the suicide of his exgf, and I strongly suspect that he used me to make her jealous or to manipulate her. I understand her suicide a lot better now. It feels almost unbearable to know that she suffered the same dynamic i did, but for a much longer periode of time. In a way i feel that he is partly responsible for her death, instead of the victim he portrais himself to be. I think he is telling lies about her mental stabilty/disorder, there is noone to comfirm because their r/s was very isolated at the end. I found out that he broke off with her the day he and I had I date. I cannot express this to friends, but this knowledge is eating me up on the inside.

I know he is now telling lies about me and my mental stabitly to mutual friends. As Im starting to doubt my own perception.  :'(

[PrettyPlease]

Hi Dog biscuit!

That's some story. And yet so familiar -- so many parts are like the "How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves". (Which you've probably read, but just in case not.)

I'm not surprised you're in shock.

In terms of an 'objective view' (in other words, my subjective opinion   ), I'd say that it all sounded completely understandable, like it could have been the gf who had the problems, not him -- no serious red flags -- until here:

I recieved some strange phonecalls and mails from him during that time also. It confused me greatly. All of a sudden he was raging and accusing me of sleeping around when I wasnt with him. It was almost like talking to another person.

And the trouble is, by this time you've become emotionally enmeshed, and you care about him. So then it's not so surprising that you recycle a couple of times before you can set up your boundaries. Even normal people do that.  

True, his raging and splitting good-bad might have moved some people out of there earlier. But others would never get out.  At least you're one of those who can!  

I know he is now telling lies about me and my mental stabitly to mutual friends. As Im starting to doubt my own perception.  :'(

So, in sum, I don't think there's a lot in your story that leads me to doubt your perception. I'd guess you have some medium-strength caretaker traits, maybe some doubting of your self. Maybe looking back into your FOO will be helpful to see if you have these and if so what they come from.

But overall, you went into the blender and managed to climb out before getting fully pureéd -- that's an accomplishment!  

PP

[Grey Kitty]

Quite a story of a crazy r/s you had there. Whew.

I am not sure where to begin my PI because firstly I feel the need to tell my story in order to see where I went "wrong". It's still to blurry, and i need to put it out there for others to read and reflect on it.

My question is are you sure you did go wrong in this story?

Yes, you were emotionally manipulated by some heavy stuff... . I remember when I was in my teens having a friend keep me on the phone for all hours with threats of suicide. I didn't know what to do at the time, but I did the best I could... . and did let that friendship fade away eventually... . and noticed that he ran a bunch more people through the same drill, with them catching on at different rates.

You didn't know quite what to do with his behavior... . but you didn't like it.

Then you supported him through terrible things happening to him... . not realizing that he perhaps brought some of it upon himself, not knowing.

Finally you had your own crisis, and got support from him, followed by worsening cycles from him.

Not knowing that people do this sort of crazy stuff isn't "going wrong."

Do you think you should have gotten out more quickly?

One other question: When did you first find out about BPD or borderline traits? Was it after your breakup?

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Grey Kitty for your summary and questions!

I dont know where I went wrong, and if I went wrong, but it feels like it because I feel I've been taken advantage/used of and wasnt able to prevent it, or see it clearly while it was happening.

Not knowing that people do this sort of crazy stuff isn't "going wrong."

Do you think you should have gotten out more quickly?

One other question: When did you first find out about BPD or borderline traits? Was it after your breakup?

Now, looking back in hindsight, it feels like I was naive, not seeing trough his behavoir or his motives. I blame myself for this, because I put myself in emotional danger and I should have protected myself better. Maybe I am being to harsh on myself, because I truly dont know how I could have prevented this. It feels like it is wrong not to know this sort of "crazyness". I felt so much warning sign, and I choose to ignore them, I had so much gut feelings about him, and I didnt listen to them. I blame myself for it.

Do I think I should have gotten out more quickly?

I dont know, sometimes I think I should have, but I broke the r/s up for 4 times during the 2 years because he crossed the lines, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and let him back in,  because I blamed his behavoir on the extreme emotional circumstances ( her suicide).

I cant answer this question yet with a clear yes or no. It took me this time to finaly realise his behavoir was not so much circumstancial but part of his personality. It took me 2 years to understand that it wasnt going to change.

During the r/s I went to see a T, and I had 1 meeting with her, before I came ill. She asked me some subtle and kind questions that got me thinking about the health of his behavoir, but i didnt know about Borderline behavoir then. I also reached out to some close friends to get some outside view on the situation, and one of them said it looked like Borderline behavoir.

That was one month before I broke the r/s up. I started to seek for information on line, and found the symptoms and the dynamic fitting. I tried to talk with him about my concerns, not telling him about my suspicion regarding Borderline, and he admitted he had a PD, but claimed he didnt know what kind of PD he was suffering from. That conversation took place the night before I broke the r/s up for good. The next morning he did a 180 and said he did not suffer a PD, but that I was the "ünhealty" one.

The Borderline disorder fell into place for me after the BU. I really have no doubt about it anymore, and I think he knows he suffers BPD, but kept the information hidden from me.

There where things he said during the r/s that I now regard as "hidden" messages. He said that he was going to hurt me, and that he was a dangerous man. He said these things in the beginning of the r/s when everything was great and sweet, so I didnt took much notice of it, and tought it was his machismo talking. I didnt pervieve him as dangerous or hurtfull then.

A week after the BU, he justified his behavoir by telling me that he warned me in the beginning of our r/s, that he was going to hurt me and that he was a dangerous man. In his mind it meant that I had agreed to the hurt and the turmoil. That it was my own responsibility that all of this happend. :'(

I blame myself for not listening to my gut feelings, and I had so many of them but did not trust them. I dont ever want to experience something like this again, and wonder how I can protect myself better, and doubt myself less.

The irony of the whole situation is that I know what mental illness looks like, because my father suffers a severe psychiatric disorder, but because his illness is so severe and he is not able to function in the world, I took it as a standard, not realising there are several degrees in mental illness, and that someone can have a disorder and still function in the world, like my ex did.

I believe I have developped a high tolerance for complicated behavoir without seeing the warning signs, for what they truly are. I am not a very judgemental person, and I always regarded is as a good trait, but now I see how vulnerable it makes me.

[Dog biscuit]

I find myself struggling with the all the lies/truths that are surfacing now... .

The whole r/s was so different then I thought it was at the time. It's strange to see it so different now. It almost looks like a fantasylife when I look at it now. And I think it was. It was never really real. 

What I start to realise is that he mirrored me in almost everything when we were togheter, and that his life in the days that we werent togheter was diffenrent than he told me. His emotions were different, he did not communicate them honestly. I think he kept a lot a secrets about how he really felt, or about who he really is.

But the person he showed me, was someone he tought I wanted to see. It was his way of keeping me close to him. So sad... .

He mirrored me, and by mirroring what he tought where my needs in a relationship, he kind of reflected me, or what he tought was me.

He reflected me... .

So what did he show me? He showed me a part of myself that I am not very aware of. He reflected what I was seekin a relationship, things I wasnt aware of.

I begin to understand why it eroded. He created a fantasylife with me, a fantasy relationship, a fantasy personage, and he couldnt do it anymore.

He said he did the things he did, because he was so affraid to loose me. I begin to understand what he truly meant by that. But I never asked him to be someone else. It's okay to be different.

Ugh, we where never real... . :'(

Pweh, I can hardly phantom that knowledge. I never had a chance, and neither did he.

[Grey Kitty]

This is a good place to start exploring in your personal inventory... .

So what did he show me? He showed me a part of myself that I am not very aware of. He reflected what I was seekin a relationship, things I wasnt aware of.

What did you learn about yourself here?

What were you seeking in a r/s?

Do you still want the same things in a r/s? (He obviously provided some things you wanted in a r/s, or you wouldn't have made it two years with him!)

[heartandwhole]

Dog biscuit, your story is heartbreaking.  I'm sorry you went through that.    My heart goes out to all three of you, because all of you were in such pain.

The whole r/s was so different then I thought it was at the time. It's strange to see it so different now. It almost looks like a fantasylife when I look at it now. And I think it was. It was never really real.  

What I start to realise is that he mirrored me in almost everything when we were togheter, and that his life in the days that we werent togheter was diffenrent than he told me. His emotions were different, he did not communicate them honestly. I think he kept a lot a secrets about how he really felt, or about who he really is.

But the person he showed me, was someone he tought I wanted to see. It was his way of keeping me close to him. So sad... .

He mirrored me, and by mirroring what he tought where my needs in a relationship, he kind of reflected me, or what he tought was me.

He reflected me... .

So what did he show me? He showed me a part of myself that I am not very aware of. He reflected what I was seekin a relationship, things I wasnt aware of.

I begin to understand why it eroded. He created a fantasylife with me, a fantasy relationship, a fantasy personage, and he couldnt do it anymore.

He said he did the things he did, because he was so affraid to loose me. I begin to understand what he truly meant by that. But I never asked him to be someone else. It's okay to be different.

Ugh, we where never real... . :'(

Pweh, I can hardly phantom that knowledge. I never had a chance, and neither did he.

Yes.  Wise words, and very difficult to accept.  And when I realized that we *both* had created a fantasy together, I had to go inside and find out why I was so compelled to do that.  I found the part of me that wanted to be saved – from what? – not sure.  Maybe from a loneliness that I wasn't even aware of?  A life where I didn't know what I really wanted or needed, and he came along and gave me a purpose?  

I used the fantasy to avoid dealing with myself.  It was my temporary drug, that I didn't know I wanted, until the first hit.   And still, deep down I knew that the relationship wouldn't work, but so strong was my need to escape my not-knowing-how-to-give-myself-what-I-needed, that I forged ahead, hoping that our *love* for each other would make the self-doubt and confusion go away.

Was the fantasy serving a purpose for you, Dog biscuit?  What was happening in your life at the time, emotionally?

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks so much for the questions and the reflections!

It hurts to look inside, and ask myself why I needed and created this fantasy too. I am lonely and I live a pretty isolated life. The r/s made me feel less lonely - well thats not true acctually- I hoped for it to make me feel less lonely, but it made me feel just as lonely as i felt before I was in the r/s.

It gave me a purpose outside of myself, it gave me a chance to do good, and build a life togheter with someone. To build a history with someone I loved. A strong and unbreakable connection, a safe haven, a warm and loving space... . a place where i was loved and where he was loved by me. I dont know... .

In general I always feel very insecure about my r/s skills, or about my worth/attraction as a romantic partner. I guess part of me wanted to conceur and challenge those believes.

The r/s filled a void, it made me feel less isolated, but then again it made me feel more isolated at the same time. I have to deal with my reflex to isolate and with my loneliness and self worth. I think if i dont handle and face these problems, I will stay vulnerable to get sucked in destructive r/s.

Meh... . :'(

It feels like a part of me is dying, and maybe its a good thing.