Mom's health issues: wondering how to not act out of past hurt

[Claire]

Growing up my mom was very physically healthy, but she believed she was sick a lot. On days when she was depressed and couldn't get out of bed, she believed she was physically "sick" and got my siblings and I to take care of her. She was kind of a hypochondriac as well, and would constantly be having health problems going from doctor to doctor who would never find anything wrong.  I would have to call and talk to the doctor for her; in high school I had to take her to the doctor's office, where she would always make a huge scene.

When I was actually sick, she would completely ignore me, as if she was the only one who deserved to be cared for.

Her health has always been one of those areas of first confusion (i.e. it's hard to learn what "sick" means growing up in such an environment), then annoyance, feeling very manipulated, etc. But at some level it was easy because you always knew she wasn't actually sick.

Last year she did get sick. She spent her time in the hospital refusing to take pain medication, refusing to comply with the nurses, and whining that she wanted to die. I had literally no empathy for her. I didn't know what to do, so I distanced myself.

But as she gets older, she will get truly sick. And I as an adult, need to decide how I'm going to deal with that, what attitude I'll have toward her.

In a couple weeks, she's having surgery and may have cancer. What do I do? I know she will expect me to be there after the surgery for some time (though it will never be enough). But what's normal? What's realistic? I was talking to my sister and we were trying to figure out what is normal for adult children to do in this situation. And we're stumped.

I'm in my first year of a Ph.D. program, and I'm busy. I love my life and it keeps me busy. However, I do have some family medical leave I could take. Do I want to? NO. Should I? How much? One thing I know, I'm the "golden child" so my presence does help. It's never enough, and anytime I give her an inch she'll ask for a mile, but my being there does help. And I care about that because that does affect the rest of the family who lives with mom.

I would really appreciate any insight or similar experience from you all as to what is a normal, healthy way to act in this instance. I do not want to act from a place of past woundedness, but I also do not want to put myself in a position where I can be too easily manipulated.

[Tayto]

If you were to take away the fact that she cried wolf all them years.

what does your heart tell you to do ?


my own mother growing up learned that the only time my father would pay her attention was when she was sick . so she is dying every day . she's the only woman I know that looks for a second opinion when she gets a clean bill of health.

[Tayto]

what i have lesarned over the years is to be at one with myself, this does not mean to be all zen or holy but to find My core beliefs and moral values. as a person I like to give to charity and i like to help others. over the years I have been conned out of more than 20,000 euro, however I have giving more than 40,000.00 euro. my wife gives out to me about this but I say to her, i can no more be someone else than you can.

my point to the story is, my wife looks at me loosing money by being open whereas i see that i have helped some and yes of course i will get caught.

I am oopen with my mother these days as in the past I was closed and yes there are times when I see that she is faking it but like a child who only wants attension, i let it pass.

when I<m around my mother I always think

how would I like my kids to treat my wife and in this tought I act towards my mother.

does she ring me more than the others ,yes as I am open to her,

does she annoy the hell out of me at times when she gets me to rush up to her as its important and then askes me did I know the person that dies over the weekend.

but overall I do it as in my core, this is who I am.therer are 8 kids in our family and two call and give her the most attension and the rest are happy to not.

everyone is different and you can only do what you feel is best for you.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Claire,

But as she gets older, she will get truly sick. And I as an adult, need to decide how I'm going to deal with that, what attitude I'll have toward her.

In a couple weeks, she's having surgery and may have cancer. What do I do? I know she will expect me to be there after the surgery for some time (though it will never be enough). But what's normal? What's realistic? I was talking to my sister and we were trying to figure out what is normal for adult children to do in this situation. And we're stumped.

It's a tough call. On one hand, your mother has "cried wolf" for so long, it has to be hard to determine how sick she may be. On the other hand, it's very possible that she is suffering from something serious. I can imagine after a few false alarms, it's hard to be empathetic and very concerned about your mother when she says that she's sick.

What happens now really depends on what's best for you. Do you want to be there for the surgery or help her while she recovers? Is there anyone else who can help? Even if you do decide to help, if she has a rough recovery, it doesn't hurt to have someone around to give you a hand.

I'm in my first year of a Ph.D. program, and I'm busy. I love my life and it keeps me busy. However, I do have some family medical leave I could take. Do I want to? NO. Should I? How much? One thing I know, I'm the "golden child" so my presence does help. It's never enough, and anytime I give her an inch she'll ask for a mile, but my being there does help. And I care about that because that does affect the rest of the family who lives with mom.

It's ok to put your life and needs first. How do you want to acknowledge your mother's illness? What kinds of boundaries can you put in place so you get your needs met and do what you think you should for your mother?

[Levi78]

Hi Claire,

I will soon be going through this very same situation. There are two of us kids and my brother has been NC for the last couple years with our uBPD mom. We have discussed the division of labor many times. My brother is financially well off, with no children. I have a family of 3 young kids and we live off of my husband's teacher pay. I am LC with mom.

The overall strategy will likely be to find her a place to live where the staff will oversee her day-to-day needs. I'll be the family liasian for the various medical situations, however my brother will cover any and all medical/nursing home costs that need covering. He is happy to pay for the luxury of not dealing with her; I am happy to be off the hook financially.

It's a sad way to talk about our mother, but you reap what you sow. In some ways, it almost seems like more than she deserves, however I recognize that I have lots of unresolved anger.

[UpwardAndOnward]

my advice to you is to take care of you. sit down with yourself and decide what you need to do to hold true to your own boundaries, and decide how you can support your mother without feeling crazy.

Does this mean send her flowers and visit once, knowing she will be mad when you leave? Does it mean staying firm with a visit once a week, and a call once a day... . or is there a need within you that you need to take time off work and spend it with her? Only you can truly answer that, but if taking care of her works to please the rest of the family, you need to be weary of that because the rest of the family is not you. The golden child has a big weight on their shoulders that the family dynamic depends on, it is important you are mindful of this and do your best not to operate within the dynamic because its the most comfortable for the rest of the family.

My mother is a complete and total dBPD hypochondriac. She fabricates illnesses and sicknesses that ironically cannot be diagnosed. Anything that is ever wrong with me or someone in our family, is inherited from her or she catches it within days. I totally understand the neglect when youre sick- my mom cant stand the attention being away from her. I got an email from her last week telling me that she was angry that I did not ask her more about her "night blindness." Its like I have become immune to things wrong with her... . but how could I not? If I grew up reacting to every ailment she had, I would be a neurotic mess! It was a survival tactic, and I get nervous of how I will be when she is actually ill. As with everything in life there is a balance, and that balance comes from within. It is up to us to figure it out- to take care of you, and reach out to her as you can while still maintaining healthy boundaries. Good luck   I feel for you, thats a tough one.

[Claire]

Thanks for the responses. I do know that my actions in this situation have to come from something other than my mom's demands, and I've been working the past few years on trying to figure out what that "standard" is or what my values really are.  As a few of you alluded to, I may feel a certain way because of all the "crying wolf" in the past, but this is actually a different situation (and thank God I'm getting much healthier myself and able to deal with things more maturely rather than out of my own hurt).

A friend asked me if I'd asked what my mom would like.  I had honestly not thought of it, but it sounds so normal that I love it! I like the approach that before she can demand of me, I can ask her what would be most helpful for me to do, and when she would like me to be there. Based on that, I can decide how to best honor her wishes within the confines of my schedule. (The surgery is during midterms week).

Another option is, ask her what her needs are (i.e. does she want someone there at all times) and then work with my siblings and dad to make a "schedule" so that none of us has to miss too much work, but the burden is not all on one person.

Also, I wonder if she was ever cared for when she was sick as a child.  I DO feel empathy for this because I experienced it too. I konw what it feels like. Maybe again, a good strategy is to OFFER that care before it's DEMANDED of me - because then I maintain control in the relationship.

One thing that is kind of morbid but helps... . what if this is really the end of her life? What if I only have this relationship for another year? Would I have it in me to help and be present and to just LOVE her... . just because that's who I am and that's how I would treat anyone else I was close to who was going through this.  I think I would. And so, even if she lives 30 more years after this, I need to find that place in me that can love - because it really does have more to do with where I am emotionally than where she is. 

[Tayto]

I remember when my father got cancer and we all got together and decided that mam wanted to spend time with him. We all chipped in and made her wages so she could stay at home with him.

everyday we would take turns in helping him as he was bed ridden,  when he soiled himself we cleaned him. He lay there for six months being cared for by the people who he spent his life trying to destroy.

I could see it in him that he hated the fact that this once so strong man who terrisied his children were now caring for his every need.

Another family that is close to our family and has twice as many children in it (16) who had great parents who either gave thdm land to build a house or 30,000 euro.  Once they got ill they were put into a nursing home.

[maxen]

my mother hasn't BPD, but she has paranoia. she has been relentlessly abusive (verbally and emotionally) to me my entire life. i'm the only child. she's now 100, and is falling down more frequently (i'm not completely sure all of these falls have been accidents). when i suggested that she might have to go into a nursing home she laughed in my face. she's not the oldest member of her family, and could live another 10 years, or who knows how long.

at the end of the day you have to live with yourself, and you'll have to live with yourself after she goes. will you be okay with how you handled her? by the time my father went i'd gotten out of him all i was going to get, and the last time i saw him i carried him to his bed. i've never had regrets, but he was a genuinely decent guy. for my mother i do what's necessary and little more. i'm motivated by common decency  but also, to be absolutely honest, by a desire not to cause talk among others. i am not motivated by filial feeling, so far as i can detect. i neglect nothing, in fact i've been slaughtered sometimes taking care of her and her affairs, but i visit and call only as needed. it's been a real emotional education to learn, otoh, not to deal out of my wounds and, otoh, not to feel guilted into worrying more.

[GeekyGirl]

One thing that is kind of morbid but helps... . what if this is really the end of her life? What if I only have this relationship for another year? Would I have it in me to help and be present and to just LOVE her... . just because that's who I am and that's how I would treat anyone else I was close to who was going through this.  I think I would. And so, even if she lives 30 more years after this, I need to find that place in me that can love - because it really does have more to do with where I am emotionally than where she is. 

I think you've made some excellent points here--you're looking at this with some good perspective. One thing that helps me is to realize that my mother didn't choose to be the way she is. She didn't ask to be miserable. No one would choose to have BPD. It helps me to feel empathy for her, although it can be hard sometimes (especially when she's in silent treatment mode). That said, having empathy doesn't mean that I let go of my own needs.

Where I'm going here is that you have asked some good questions, and I think your gut instinct will help you find the answers. You've already thought of some good plans--asking your siblings for help, taking care of yourself physically and emotionally, and to maintain some control in the relationship by making offers that fit in with your needs. 

Keep us posted!