Am I JADEing?

[usernamed]

Greetings everyone. Just to briefly fill everyone in on my personal situation, my pwBPD broke off contact with me in December. Since then we have spoken a few times briefly, mostly me asking her what was going on emotionally, why she wasn't speaking to me, and her insisting that we wouldn't speak to each other anymore. Although for the most part we haven't been speaking, I have noticed she's checked in on me a few times ... .

It's been nearly two months since the last time we actually had a conversation and my own life has undergone some dramatic changes in that time. I miss talking to her and lately I've been considering writing a letter to her with the hope that we can bridge the silence between us.

I'm not sure if this is the proper course of action, and she's told me explicitly not to contact her... .  but it feels to me like her insistence that we don't speak comes from her disorder, rather than any actual disagreement or incompatibility between us. I strongly believe that she wanted to 'break up' with me because it was during the holidays and she was feeling disheartened that we would spend the holidays apart from each other. That can be tough for any person.

I started writing this letter, and I noticed another member here posted their own letter, and received some good feedback on it ... . And I started thinking about my own letter, and how I was expressing myself in it. I recognize I am not always the best judge of my own behavior and what I'm conveying, so I was hoping to get some feedback on my letter (or the idea of a letter) and see what some of the knowledgeable folks here had to say.

Here is the start of it thus far... .

"Hello <X>

I don't know whether you will read this or not. I suppose that is your choice to make, just as writing to you is mine. I hope you don't mind my doing so, I consider you my friend still, my true friend, and I have longed to share with you some small stories from my life and to hear from you about yours. If you choose to write back to me I shall be very happy, but for now I will just tell you of things that have changed in my life since last we spoke... .

I am writing to you on the first weekend that I spend in my new home. It has taken me far longer to settle here than I hoped. I moved on New Year's Day and for two weeks had no home, but lived with another friend in the area. During this time I made some arrangements to find my own place in the area, but I with work and other obligations I wasn't able to move in until the weekend. At last though, I'm starting to feel settled... . "


(I could go on with this but past this point the letter is just talking about my own life and changes to it, so it's probably not that interesting for anyone here or useful in the sense of managing my relationship with my pwBPD.) If anyone has any feedback on whether I am being too JADE'y in how I'm expressing myself here please let me know.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[unicorn2014]

May I ask why you still want to be with this person and don't want to move on to other people?

[usernamed]

May I ask why you still want to be with this person and don't want to move on to other people?

That's a good question and I ask myself that as well. It comes down to the connection we share. I don't know any other women who I feel this connected to, and while I am sure I can find happiness with other people, I want this woman who constantly amazes me with her intelligence, kindness, and beauty. Perhaps that feeling of connection is just an illusion -- Nostalgia for those heady days when we just met and I felt like I couldn't imagine anyone else more perfect for me, before her first incident -- But we've been through a lot of ups and downs since that time and I've come to grips with the reality that if we're going to be together it's going to take a lot of hard work, on both our parts. I'm willing to do that. I'm stubborn and don't want to give up on her just because it might be challenging for us.

[an0ught]

Hi usernamed,

dealing with her suddenly leaving is tough as you got no closure and that leaves you wondering whether there is still something  

With writing you are clearly stepping over her NC boundary. I guess they say "All's fair in love and war" so trying carefully to reach respectfully over the boundary a little bit may be a fair attempt after this time - it is after all her job to maintain it as you point out. Is that too much JADE? Maybe, maybe not. But some sentences are too long at the beginning - pwBPD are usually not so patient. Also a lot start with "I" - some variations may be better including some interest in what she does.

Keep in mind that while you are still attached to her she may not be so strongly attached (could not figure out from your posts how long you two were together). BPD and LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is a tough combination  even if she ever responds.

[lemon flower]

hello usernamed,

no, I don't think this letter is JADEing, it's a personal letter to inform her about your life, but as mentioned here above, you do pass her NC-rule and that can result in another way than you wanted it!

- it can be the beginning of a recycling relation that will not necessarily be a happy one (and that's something you should think about over and over again, be very carefull!)

- or she can be angry at you, resulting in a fight , or worse

- or she can simply ignore you, not reacting at all, but that will cause frustration for you too, if you write to her, you do expect her to answer, do you ?

I think your searching for her support is not such a good idea in this moment, maybe you can find another person to talk to about what's happening in your life ? that can be the relief you really need, maybe better than what she can give you!