This is where I struggle

[coworkerfriend]

I have been with my pwBPD for 5 almost 6 years.  We own a business together and have a personal relationship.  Since discovering find this board and learning about BPD, I feel we have made some solid progress.  He has been in therapy for about 12 years or so and he says he has a mental illness but has never named it.  I have done quite a bit of soul searching as well as reading on the subject, I most of the time, I have used the tools to help improve things.  He knows he has "bad" times and he knows that he is the only one who can work through them.  He has spent quite a bit of time helping me understand that when he gets "mad" at me, it usually isn't me that he is truly mad at.  Every day is a challenge but we are committed to our business and each other. 

I am recognizing where I truly struggle - separating and detaching when he begins to dysregulate.  For example, I was talking to a client today for maybe 10 minutes or so.  He overheard part of the conversation and when I hung up, he immediately got upset that I disrespected him.  I tried for a few minutes to discuss and then I walked away.  I keep repeating the conversation in my head and I can't figure out what happened.  We talked for a few more minutes and I could hear him begin to spiral down.  I walked away again.  He said that he knows that this is his problem and I can't help him work through it. I have learned that when he is like this, there is nothing I can say that he will even listen to.   

Because of the past, I let panic creep into my thoughts.  I am trying to detach and distract myself.  I am trying not to think about his words.  He is right - he has to work through his feelings.  I can't fix or control what he thinks.  The problem I have is that I struggle to put this type of situation in its place.  I know I let this consume me.  I have to detach from his emotions. He has very deep seeded feelings of worthlessness and I will never change that.

I came here because I could use some support.  Sometimes, well actually, most of the time, I realize that I lose my perspective.  I let myself get caught up in the good days and then the bad days knock the wind out of me.  I lose all my inner strength and then it feels just as I begin to build it back up, a bad day just sucks it away.

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[kft]

I can't fix or control what he thinks.  The problem I have is that I struggle to put this type of situation in its place.  I know I let this consume me.  I have to detach from his emotions. He has very deep seeded feelings of worthlessness and I will never change that.

Would it help to remind yourself that if you interfere with his self-soothing process it will just reenforce the guilt, the fear that he's holding you back?

What exactly is the temptation here? Wanting to comfort/apologize/soothe or frustration over the pressure to anticipate every little thing?

[tiredndown]

This is a skill that will take time to develop. Normal people shouldn't need to learn a skill like this. Don't be too hard on yourself, it will take time. Just try to remember you are dealing with someone that is broken. Like expecting someone with broken fingers being about to sign their name with a cast.

IMO Normal people have issues just like everyone else, the difference is normal can look at themselves and make changes based on what they see. BPDs can't stand what they see, if they can even look in the mirror.

[Grey Kitty]

Hey... . give yourself some real credit here--you ARE figuring things out.

You know how his dysregulation works, and even see it start coming

You and he both know that he has to cope with it when he has a dysregulation (bad day)

What can you do to take care of yourself (and possibly the business) and simultaneously stay clear of him for a couple hours or the rest of the day?

I know what helped me the most when my wife started to dysregulate on me... . I had been through the drill enough times that I knew pretty much how it would unfold (badly!) if I stayed engaged with her and continued to talk/fight/whatever. I'm sure you can forward-fast in your mind how these situations go... . and unlike the movie "Groundhog day" there isn't a "right" way to go through the day where you stop him from going sideways.

What helped me was finally realizing that all I could do was limit the damage done to myself... . and stop myself from saying hurtful things to my wife (by not talking to her for a while).

So I force myself to stop engaging, not talk with her about it (or anything else, 'cuz she would wrap the conversation back into the same toxic place within 3 sentences). IT IS HARD. Inside my head, I'm still going in circles with her for a while. But I know that as long as I stay strong, I'm not making things worse. Eventually I calm down and am able to more happily get about doing something that is productive.

In my mind, I call the first step "stop the cutting," and the next one is "stop the bleeding."

[unicorn2014]

It sounds like your pwBPD is relatively stable compared to others. I would stay out of his way when he dysregulates and let him deal with it on his own. At least he knows whats going on. Not all pwBPD will admit to when they get dysregulated.

[an0ught]

Hi coworkerfriend,

I am recognizing where I truly struggle - separating and detaching when he begins to dysregulate.  For example, I was talking to a client today for maybe 10 minutes or so.  He overheard part of the conversation and when I hung up, he immediately got upset that I disrespected him.  I tried for a few minutes to discuss and then I walked away.  I keep repeating the conversation in my head and I can't figure out what happened.  We talked for a few more minutes and I could hear him begin to spiral down.  I walked away again.  He said that he knows that this is his problem and I can't help him work through it. I have learned that when he is like this, there is nothing I can say that he will even listen to.  

he is very sensitive. There are studies that listening to phone conversations where you hear just one party can be a lot more irritating than listening to similar even louder full conversations. Not the problem is - he does not realize he is irritated and he lacks skills to protect himself. He should have withdrawn if your conversation goes on his nerves.

But then why did the discussion develop into an argument? Only you know. Best would have been to just validate him. Was there some JADE on your side when the conversation with him started? How did you feel about his overreaction at the end of the call?

Because of the past, I let panic creep into my thoughts.  I am trying to detach and distract myself.  I am trying not to think about his words.  He is right - he has to work through his feelings.  I can't fix or control what he thinks.  The problem I have is that I struggle to put this type of situation in its place.  I know I let this consume me.  I have to detach from his emotions. He has very deep seeded feelings of worthlessness and I will never change that.

It is often more effective to validate the other person than to wall off the emotions of the other person. It is usually

 - ineffective to "not think of a red flag" as our mind will see a red flag. As it is difficult to avoid thinking about the red flag (and invoke the brain cells linked to fight and flight) it can be more effective to vocalize and talk about the red flag on the other side of the border (far away so fight-flight reaction does not kick in).

 - ignoring emotions on his side just make them stronger and more difficult to ignore

Hey... . give yourself some real credit here--you ARE figuring things out.

Indeed, cut yourself some slack. Perfection is not needed and not achievable. When it comes to skills you learn, you apply and you get better over time. Often you plateau eventually. Once you realize you reflect and take the next level.

[Hope26]

Hi Coworkerfriend,

If it's any consolation, that's where I struggle too; separating and detaching when he begins to dysregulate.  When you are used to sharing thoughts and feelings with the person closest to you, and to whom you feel so bonded emotionally, it is difficult to 'put on the brakes' and practice emotional detachment.  Especially when these episodes come on out of the blue, with no warning.  It feels like you've been slapped in the face.  I'm just saying I understand, and maybe you and I are a lot alike.  It's taken me awhile to learn not to analyze the raging episodes endlessly, take them personally, and spend time trying to discuss things with the pwBPD about how we could have avoided the situation, when usually we couldn't have. There is no rhyme or reason.  Acceptance can be tough.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Coworkerfriend,

If it's any consolation, that's where I struggle too; separating and detaching when he begins to dysregulate.  When you are used to sharing thoughts and feelings with the person closest to you, and to whom you feel so bonded emotionally, it is difficult to 'put on the brakes' and practice emotional detachment.  Especially when these episodes come on out of the blue, with no warning.  It feels like you've been slapped in the face.  I'm just saying I understand, and maybe you and I are a lot alike.  It's taken me awhile to learn not to analyze the raging episodes endlessly, take them personally, and spend time trying to discuss things with the pwBPD about how we could have avoided the situation, when usually we couldn't have. There is no rhyme or reason.  Acceptance can be tough.

Yes I find the pwBPD gets annoyed at me when I point out where things derailed, why and how they can go better next time.