How to protect a kid from BPD mother and how to help her seek therapy

[socrates1978]

I've joined this community yesterday and have already read numerous articles about several aspects of dealing with a person that suffers from BPD. However i would like to ask 2 crucial questions.

First. Is it possible to convince a partner suffering from BPD to go to therapy? Is it better to allow other people to talk about the issue? I have asked my wife many times to go into therapy and so far she refuses. She knows that she is suffering however the fear and perhaps stigma of going for therapy stops her from seeking help. In the past years she's also been accusing me of extra-maritial relationships that I never had and she also created plenty of scenarios that were pure fantasy. Is this likely to be schizophrenia?

Second. How to improve the safety of a kid witnessing his mother going into bouts of aggression and saying all sorts of disturbed talk? Shall I tell my son that mummy is unhappy or sad or I should not explain anything and ignore the issue like it is something normal?

Thanks you for your replies.

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[Wrongturn1]

Welcome Socrates,

The accusations of infidelity and creating scenarios that are pure fantasy are relatively "normal" for someone with BPD.  I'm not sure what to tell you about how to get your wife into therapy since I have never been successful in that regard.  To the extent you bring it up with her, you might stress some of the aspects of DBT such as that it is a supportive and non-judgmental environment; that it teaches skills for dealing with out-of-control emotions and thoughts; and does not involve lying on a couch discussing childhood traumas.

As for the behaviors that kids witness, it’s probably helpful to gently try to inform your kids about what types of behavior are healthy/normal and which are not: “your mum has a hard time controlling her emotions, but that’s something most people are able to do”; “most adults get out of bed before 8:00 AM”; “most adults are able to discuss their disagreements without yelling and crying; but your mum isn’t always able to do that”; etc.  And certainly if the person with BPD is abusing the kids physically or otherwise, it is your responsibility to protect them.

[an0ught]

Welcome cocrates1978,

I've joined this community yesterday and have already read numerous articles about several aspects of dealing with a person that suffers from BPD. However i would like to ask 2 crucial questions.

First. Is it possible to convince a partner suffering from BPD to go to therapy? Is it better to allow other people to talk about the issue? I have asked my wife many times to go into therapy and so far she refuses. She knows that she is suffering however the fear and perhaps stigma of going for therapy stops her from seeking help. In the past years she's also been accusing me of extra-maritial relationships that I never had and she also created plenty of scenarios that were pure fantasy. Is this likely to be schizophrenia?

we can't diagnose here. It is however fair to say that symptoms of BPD can be from a wide spectrum of dysfunctions. As fear is a key driver in the illness some degree of paranoia is quite common. Missing or inverted logic particularly when emotionally excited is sort of "normal" when it comes to BPD. Only a T with enough knowledge of a person can make a real determination.

Some people on the board have succeeded in getting their partners to take up therapy. Some people have pushed hard, some have persuaded, some had a major crisis and some have failed getting their partners to work with a T. There is no simple or reliably working path. Straight telling the pwBPD that they are suffering from BPD is however considered one of the not so good options for a lot of reasons. Having the partner work with a T definitely helps. Still even without a T involved we have some power to make changes on our side and it is often best to start there. 

Second. How to improve the safety of a kid witnessing his mother going into bouts of aggression and saying all sorts of disturbed talk? Shall I tell my son that mummy is unhappy or sad or I should not explain anything and ignore the issue like it is something normal?

I personally don't have experience on that end but check out this book and the related discussion thread: An Umbrella for Alex - Rachel Rashkin, MS

[Aria2014]

Hello,

I'm so sorry for you and your kid! My mom has BPD and my dad protected her. So I grew up in a home where craziness was the norm and if I questionned my mother's actions I was called the mean crazy one, lied to or ignored. Result: I am now borderline as well and I am unable to trust my own judgement. Tell your kid the truth. He knows something is wrong with his mother already. Hiding the truth will not protect him, it will teach him not to trust his own judgement and then he'll just follow his mother's footsteps. The best protection from her you can give him is the truth. Tell him you disagree with what she says and at least he'll know that you're on his side and that he's not the crazy one. Good luck!

Aria