I always hang up feeling crazy...

[UpwardAndOnward]

Tonight I called my BPD mom back. Normally, that is a call I will avoid at all costs but recently I have been giving her some extra effort since I am planning a wedding right now and in need of my parents financial support. I was able to last about 5 days with being nice before she made me have a break down.

As an adult it is so clear for what an unhealthy dynamic I was brought up in. If I appease the queen, my BPD Mom, (which means being a complete doormat and biting my tongue to each offensive and combative comment she makes)... . than my dad is happy and the family is at peace, its that simple. I also then am rewarded with whatever it may be, in this case it includes wedding vendors, as a child it was allowance, money, allowed to hang out with a friend, etc. As a result, I was taught to manipulate my parents to get what I want... . be phony and fake to mom without taking care of myself makes Dad happy and then I get what I want... . That is a horrible feeling and I am so happy that I am independent as an adult and not faced with this situation any longer. Except now for the wedding... . I am left kicking myself for not having a destination wedding. She is so impossible it literally makes me crazy.

Anyways after I left work and having an extremely stressful work day, I got in my car smiling to go home, called my mom back and immediately hung up with her in tears (she actually hung up on me if we're retelling accurately).I was telling her in a direct tone and speaking logic to her about why I was not able to leave work early and meet with a vendor (I work until 6pm every night), she starts screaming at me "to stop screaming at her." She has this thing where she projects to others what is wrong with her. If she wasn't my mom, I might actually think it was fascinating. She always calls others 'dramatic', and "self centered", and "crazy"... . its almost as she innately knows of her own characteristics. After she hung up I had this horrible knot tied in my stomach and felt like I was going to burst into tears... . exactly how I used to feel on a daily basis when I lived at home.

I think the hardest part in all of it is the denial my dad has with her, which creates this terrible dynamic. If I could only call him and tell him the problems- but thats not how it works. She is extremely possessive with me and if I reach out to my dad and she finds out, his week is pretty much ruined. I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place- wondering if I should just take some debt out and stop playing into my parents unhealthy dynamic and pay for the remainder of the wedding? ... . or do I bite the bullet and put up with this for the one big event in my life?  Havent I put up with enough from her in my life? If I say no to her in any decision or idea she has, it becomes a huge blow out. I am the youngest of all boys, and she has made multiple comments how this is 'her wedding.' I know there is worse things in life and I am grateful to have parents that are able to pay, but at what price do I pay for my sanity and peace of mind?

[seeking balance]

 

I have the same dynamics with my mom and dad - no magic answers, just letting you know I can relate.  She is the queen and if I bite my tongue, they are happy.

I, however, stopped asking for anything and live 3000 miles away... . but that doesn't stop the actual dysfunction.

It's ok to deep down want that supportive mom who is there for YOU at YOUR wedding, it really is what we all wanted.  You are not alone in that.

Hang in there,

SB

[GeekyGirl]

Aw, UpwardAndOnward... .    that's not a good feeling. Planning a wedding can be very stressful, and it sounds like you're feeling even more stressed because of the dynamics with your mom. I've been there too.

I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place- wondering if I should just take some debt out and stop playing into my parents unhealthy dynamic and pay for the remainder of the wedding? ... . or do I bite the bullet and put up with this for the one big event in my life?  Havent I put up with enough from her in my life? If I say no to her in any decision or idea she has, it becomes a huge blow out. I am the youngest of all boys, and she has made multiple comments how this is 'her wedding.' I know there is worse things in life and I am grateful to have parents that are able to pay, but at what price do I pay for my sanity and peace of mind?

If your parents are paying for the wedding, they do get some say, but at the same time, this is your wedding and not your mother's. When DH and I were married, my parents paid for about 75% of the wedding, and I found myself frustrated in the same ways you described--my mother had opinions about just about everything, from my dress to the reception song list. We don't have the same taste either, so you can imagine how that went.

So here's what helped me, and might be helpful to you: I came up with a list of wedding decisions and prioritized them. The things that were the most important to me and my DH (like my dress or the flowers), I was relatively inflexible about, but the things that were least important to me (like table assignments) I delegated to my mother. She got to make some decisions and feel like she was part of the process, which kept her relatively well-behaved.

Another thing that may help you on the wedding day itself: hire a planner, if you can. The planner kept things moving and even before the event, helped to keep my mother from intervening in ways I wasn't comfortable with. On our wedding day, my mother turned out to be so busy entertaining her friends that everything went smoothly.

Keep us posted--whatever you decide, we're here for you.

[UpwardAndOnward]

So here's what helped me, and might be helpful to you: I came up with a list of wedding decisions and prioritized them. The things that were the most important to me and my DH (like my dress or the flowers), I was relatively inflexible about, but the things that were least important to me (like table assignments) I delegated to my mother. She got to make some decisions and feel like she was part of the process, which kept her relatively well-behaved.

THanks for your reply! It unfortunate because i tried this strategy but its unfortunate because of her BPD she is truly unable to finish any task. She already has started multiple things that I tried to have her help with, but she only wants to help with what she wants.

We also hired a planner my mom of course got in a fight with her and fired the first one, so lets hope this second one can withstand her.

thanks for your words of support, I am sure it will be fine. I just need to try and stop expecting things from someone who will never be able to offer what I need. I hope that I can be a supportive and encouraging mom, because I have always wished for one!

[Tayto]

Do you think its normal for a parent to take control of your big day

do you think its ok to take control of something if you are paying for it regardless of what the other person wants.

is it a gift if you have no say in it ?

Is it just feeding what you already dislike about your family ?

Are you enabling your mother ?

[P.F.Change]

Weddings are often a challenge when a parent has BPD. You are going through things many of us have been through before, and I'm sorry it's not fun. My mother would have liked me to do a lot of things differently.

It is ultimately your call what you are willing to do in order to have your parents pay for your wedding or to avoid them getting upset with you. If you don't want to do those things, then you have the option not to accept their money. You can find a solution that works for you. Things might not turn out exactly the way you dreamed, but you can still enjoy getting married.

Can you afford to pay for the wedding planner yourself, so that s/he works for you rather than for your mother?

I just need to try and stop expecting things from someone who will never be able to offer what I need.

I think this is a good goal. Many of my frustrations with my mother came from my expecting her to be someone she is not. This workshop helped me a lot: Radical Acceptance for family members My mother is who she is, she behaves the way she behaves, and that is what I need to expect.

Have you ever talked with a therapist before about how you feel about the issues in your family?

Wishing you peace,

PF