A caterpillar and metamorphosis

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know if you read my other thread about how crazy I got.  This thread is about how I am right now.

I started out as that caterpillar, just crawling around, guess would take any crumbs at all.  :)idn't matter.  I'll take the crumbs.  

Couldn't deal with it anymore.  I had friends, actually they were both my friends, and my ex's friends.  Probably at that time more my ex's friends, don't really know.  I talked to the wife a lot in the last few months before I left.  She was very concerned about me.  Told me that she believed everything that I said, because no one could make up sh!t like that.

They had bought a house that they would move into permanently in about a year.  They gave me the key to their house in Aug 2008.  

I couldn't deal with anything anymore, so I took them up on their offer, I moved there.  I did go back about 3 times after that though.  

Makes me sick even thinking about that.  

Finally left for good 12/31/2008.  I was home then.  I invited my ex (then H) to go to the NYE party there.  He wouldn't go.  They were his best friends.  He went to work, I started packing.  He called me to tell me he wasn't coming home that night. (Would have been the 5th New Years that he didn't spend with me).  I told him, I think you better go home, because I left, and his dog was waiting for him.  (I did have back up in place to take care of the dog and cat in case he didn't go home).

Drove to my friends house in a complete daze.  Got there, and my friend says to me, ":)o you want some tea"?  We talked about anything and everything, except for him.  I was totally broken.  

Don't remember much of that day.

I stayed, never went back.

My friends wouldn't take anything from me.  They just wanted me to heal.  I had to repay them for all their help.  They bought an older home, and it needed to be painted.  The walls and ceilings  in every room were a mint green, except for kitchen.  Had wallpaper on walls and ceilings from the 70's.

I painted almost every wall and ceiling in that house.  I took the wallpaper down.  I fixed the walls in there, then painted them.  I painted the basement walls, finished the basement floors, then tackled painting outside of the house.  It was a neon blue.  Thank God it was a ranch.  All this was part of my healing.  They thanked me for it, I wasn't use to that, I was only use to being belittled. 

Their father got ill.  I then spent everyday going there to help him, take him to Dr appts,  set up his meds, made sure he took them.  Kept him company.

I was now accepted by all of the relatives as part of their family.  

They told me that no one could get that stubborn old man to do anything, but yet I could.  

My self-esteem was really being built back up now.

Another of there relatives hired me to paint two rooms, and to re-wall paper bathroom.

OK, now my divorce finally goes through.

I bought a foreclosure.  It needed a lot of work, but I didn't know how much until I moved in.  I knew I had to replace the carpets, so I try to do it on the cheap.  I'll rip them up myself.  I did.  Got them up, found out they had 3 St. Bernards in that house that peed all over the floors.  Then they had poured some kind of oil on the floors, either to cover up the smell, or to sabatage the house since they lost it.  

OK, have to replace the sub floors. Completely renovate the kitchen.  Apparently they had a flood in the kitchen.  Mold on the cabinets.  

Renovated the kitchen.  renovated the bathroom.  Now, it is almost spring.  Carpenter bees, and carpenter ants.  

Did I mention this is a raised level Log Cabin.  

Get an exterminator in here.  :)oesn't do anything.  They just sprayed the house.  Had to read up about both, carpenter bees, and ants.  Got professional equipment to fight them on my own.  You can't just spray house for carpenter bees, you need to treat each and every hole with a powder dust.  I had over a hundred.  Then the woodpeckers came to get the carpenter bee larvae.  (What a joy)

Going through this whole process, I realized, I was abused, and so was my house.  We both need a lot of healing, and we are healing together.  

So renovated my whole upstairs, fixed bee and woodpecker damage outside, re stained the house, added in stonework on the bottom, now fixing the basement.  

So that is my house, and that is me.

I'm not there yet, I still isolate myself, still afraid of having any kind of another r/s.  But I am closer to being finished working on me.  

Guess in the life of a caterpiller,  can say that I am in the pupa stage.  

I will emerge as a butterfly.  

[jynx]

I don't know if you read my other thread about how crazy I got.  This thread is about how I am right now.

I started out as that caterpillar, just crawling around, guess would take any crumbs at all.  :)idn't matter.  I'll take the crumbs.  

Couldn't deal with it anymore.  I had friends, actually they were both my friends, and my ex's friends.  Probably at that time more my ex's friends, don't really know.  I talked to the wife a lot in the last few months before I left.  She was very concerned about me.  Told me that she believed everything that I said, because no one could make up sh!t like that.

They had bought a house that they would move into permanently in about a year.  They gave me the key to their house in Aug 2008.  

I couldn't deal with anything anymore, so I took them up on their offer, I moved there.  I did go back about 3 times after that though.  

Makes me sick even thinking about that.  

Finally left for good 12/31/2008.  I was home then.  I invited my ex (then H) to go to the NYE party there.  He wouldn't go.  They were his best friends.  He went to work, I started packing.  He called me to tell me he wasn't coming home that night. (Would have been the 5th New Years that he didn't spend with me).  I told him, I think you better go home, because I left, and his dog was waiting for him.  (I did have back up in place to take care of the dog and cat in case he didn't go home).

Drove to my friends house in a complete daze.  Got there, and my friend says to me, ":)o you want some tea"?  We talked about anything and everything, except for him.  I was totally broken.  

Don't remember much of that day.

I stayed, never went back.

My friends wouldn't take anything from me.  They just wanted me to heal.  I had to repay them for all their help.  They bought an older home, and it needed to be painted.  The walls and ceilings  in every room were a mint green, except for kitchen.  Had wallpaper on walls and ceilings from the 70's.

I painted almost every wall and ceiling in that house.  I took the wallpaper down.  I fixed the walls in there, then painted them.  I painted the basement walls, finished the basement floors, then tackled painting outside of the house.  It was a neon blue.  Thank God it was a ranch.  All this was part of my healing.  They thanked me for it, I wasn't use to that, I was only use to being belittled. 

Their father got ill.  I then spent everyday going there to help him, take him to Dr appts,  set up his meds, made sure he took them.  Kept him company.

I was now accepted by all of the relatives as part of their family.  

They told me that no one could get that stubborn old man to do anything, but yet I could.  

My self-esteem was really being built back up now.

Another of there relatives hired me to paint two rooms, and to re-wall paper bathroom.

OK, now my divorce finally goes through.

I bought a foreclosure.  It needed a lot of work, but I didn't know how much until I moved in.  I knew I had to replace the carpets, so I try to do it on the cheap.  I'll rip them up myself.  I did.  Got them up, found out they had 3 St. Bernards in that house that peed all over the floors.  Then they had poured some kind of oil on the floors, either to cover up the smell, or to sabatage the house since they lost it.  

OK, have to replace the sub floors. Completely renovate the kitchen.  Apparently they had a flood in the kitchen.  Mold on the cabinets.  

Renovated the kitchen.  renovated the bathroom.  Now, it is almost spring.  Carpenter bees, and carpenter ants.  

Did I mention this is a raised level Log Cabin.  

Get an exterminator in here.  :)oesn't do anything.  They just sprayed the house.  Had to read up about both, carpenter bees, and ants.  Got professional equipment to fight them on my own.  You can't just spray house for carpenter bees, you need to treat each and every hole with a powder dust.  I had over a hundred.  Then the woodpeckers came to get the carpenter bee larvae.  (What a joy)

Going through this whole process, I realized, I was abused, and so was my house.  We both need a lot of healing, and we are healing together.  

So renovated my whole upstairs, fixed bee and woodpecker damage outside, re stained the house, added in stonework on the bottom, now fixing the basement.  

So that is my house, and that is me.

I'm not there yet, I still isolate myself, still afraid of having any kind of another r/s.  But I am closer to being finished working on me.  

Guess in the life of a caterpiller,  can say that I am in the pupa stage.  

I will emerge as a butterfly.  

[Somewhere]

wow.

Just Thank You.

Fly, Butterfly, Fly.

[Mutt]

Wow Jynx 

That was a refreshing read. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful metaphor. 

[RecycledNoMore]

Im so glad you are here jynx,continuing your metamorphosis... .

What an amazing journey, we are all here,with you...

Thanks for sharing your story,did you ever think you would come to this point?

Months ago, when I felt trapped and alone, I would read posts like yours and think " thats just not possible"

But it is, this feeling of progress, of hope and rebirth humbles me.

All the best Jynx