Why in the hel do I still care? She's making bad choices

[that1guy]

Some of you may have read that my dBPDex showed up at my place last week. She wanted to spend the night with me in my bed. I said no and sent her on her way.

She's been going through a rough time as of late. Her third, or fourth, replacement left her and went back to his ex-wife. After she moved him in with her and took care of everything. I think he might be uBPD after both my dealings with him and what she told me. I guess that's neither here nor there.

Due to a small town dynamic, and pending legal issues I accept limited contact with my ex.

My brother got married this past weekend to a very loving and stable woman. Her family and mine get along famously as well. The event, and the large role I played in getting a lot of things done for the new couple brought a lot of memories back for me. I remembered a lot of the good times my ex and I had together. I am also reminded of a lot of not so good things that happened. The benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

Being a small community, my ex wanted me to pass along her well wishes. I didn't, but played along.

During the course of our communication I learned that she's half a step away from loosing her job. The one that she was in school for when we separated. The reason that she moved out, to concentrate on school, and us. The one that took her over a year after graduation to get, even though the skill is highly needed in our area.

I also learned that she has recently tried her hand at sex for money and/or drugs.

I don't know why I still care!

I can't bring this to my brother or parents. I am well aware of how they feel about her.

I guess I'm using this forum as a way to get this off of my chest. And maybe get some validation.

I do still care for her. I did love her. I just can't let myself get sucked back in. I can't let her wrap me up in her bs. I can't save her. I have to let her go from here.

[love4meNOTu]

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how desperate a woman must be to trade sex for money or drugs. I might consider it if I couldn't feed my children, but that would never happen, so it's not a valid comparison.

You still care because you loved her, and perhaps you consider her your responsibility. But she is an adult, and believe me, she can take care of herself.

Sometimes you have to let it go and give it to god. Because there is really nothing you can do. My ex husband was teetering on the edge of insanity, there was nothing I could do. My mere presence triggered him to the utmost degree. The thought of me made him insane with anger. Probably still does. I can't fix mental illness, believe me, I tried. The love I felt for him meant nothing in the end.

blessings,

L

[fromheeltoheal]

You still care because we all went through an idealization phase where our ex was perfect for us, the ideal fantasy, an intense attachment, something that affects us to our core.  Borderlines are crafty like that.  Intellectually, rationally, we learn the relationship is not working and there's a basic incompatibility between us and disordered people, the good news actually, so it ends.  But emotionally, to our core, that attachment is still there, even in the face of all the crazy, and it takes a while to dissipate, or we discover it, maybe for the first time, and channel it somewhere healthy.  It's also sad when someone we were emotionally invested in 100% is struggling, that core trigger is still there, hard to look the other way when our heart is trying to scream us into action to help.  Not easy, but we know what's right.  Take care of you!

[Johnny Alias]

Don't be the white knight bro. It's okay to care even if it's not for a real person. Embrace it don't fight it. Means you have a heart.

But don't take her back. She'll use you and trample all over you like a herd of elephants.

I had heard that mine got in a fight with her bf 2 months ago and he tossed her clothes all over their lawn. I stupidly broke NC and said she could stay here for a few days if she needed to. Huge mistake. She ended the friendship with the gal who told me, accused her and I of having an affair, and sent me a ruthless email.

Now if she had been screwed I think she would have jumped here in a heartbeat. Since she still had shelter and her narcissistic supply she stayed. I'm just a toy after all.

This is her life now. I bet you gave her far too many chances as is. Seriously.  I know I did. Three recycles, begged her to stop screaming at me and get therapy.

Now mine sleeps all day and gets wasted a LOT. She doesn't even try to work anymore since new BF pays her way. Long time friends are gone. He's gotten arrested in a bar fight. Everyone hates their drama and makes fun of her for dressing like a slut at her age.

I can't fix this. You can't fix this. Oftentimes professionals cannot fix this.

Get a therapist and start fixing yourself. Try to maintain NC as much as possible. She'll come calling as I'm sure mine will too.

[shellsh0cked]

My xgf broke two windows out of my car (doing $4000 total damage), came to my house to literally cut me up with knives... . embarrassed me in front of my family and friends COUNTLESS times, humiliated me by sleeping with other guys hours after a fight, Drove up several states away to sleep with an old boyfriend that she knew I detested and smeared pictures on Facebook for me to see... . told a dark secret she swore she would take to her grave... . just for the sake of cruelty... . the list goes on and on.  And I STILL missed her!  I felt like I was the one with the mental illness!  I will say this though... . the good times with our xs and how good they make us feel (by nature of a borderline) is why we stay hooked hard... . because we fear we cannot find something else that makes us feel like that.  And the thing is?  We are TOTALLY right!  Unless we find another borderline, we're not going to have that intensity that we had with them that made putting up with their bull$hit acceptable.

Sending her away must have been tough that night.  I'd had trouble doing that with my ex because I know how good the sex was... . but it comes at a HUGE price.  One I am sick of paying.  My current girlfriend never treats me like that.  It's a welcome change!

Hang in there... . It does take some time.  This board has been really helpful for me.  Although I had put most of it behind me before getting on here, I still felt a lot of resentment... . didn't even realize it until I started posting.  Now, almost 2 years later I am finally putting that to bed.  Good luck bro.

[Johnny Alias]

A lot of what you say is true. The intensity will probably not be there with a non personality disordered person.  And now were addicts. Which sucks.

The thing that made me get her out of my life was wanting a kid.  Not only was she facing hard odds at 43, I didn't want to bring a kid into a world of conflict and substance abuse. It would have been like how I grew up and I'm a mess.

[mywifecrazy]

You still care because you loved her, and perhaps you consider her your responsibility. But she is an adult, and believe me, she can take care of herself.

Sometimes you have to let it go and give it to god. Because there is really nothing you can do.

Very wise words and sound advice.  My healing didn't start until I came to the realization that her actions were not my fault and that there was nothing I could do to prevent it.  I also realize  that I just happened to fall in love with a broken person. I was able to GIVE IT TO GOD! Now I'm moving on with my life and learning to first be happy with ME. I don't want to realy on someone else to make me happy, it just sets you up for a fall.  God will lead me to a healthy happy relationship if it's his will.  The only thing I have left for my uBPDxw is daily prayer that she comes to a point where she seeks and gets the help she needs. It's no way to live!

[In_n_Out]

"is making" or has had a *history* of having made bad choices?  Drugs, prostitution and BPD. I dunno, you tell us why you would still care?  I will say that I'd be a liar if I said that I didn't still "care" for my dBPDex as well (who has her own history of bad choices) so slap me in the face to wake me up and I'll slap you back as well.  I'll tell you what I'm doing about it though: maintaining strict NC, working my a$$ off in the gym most every day and getting out there and meeting new people (date this weekend).  I.e., I'm working on ME and not worrying about what she's doing or who she's doing it with (to the best of my ability).

[shellsh0cked]

.  The only thing I have left for my uBPDxw is daily prayer that she comes to a point where she seeks and gets the help she needs. It's no way to live!

That has always been mine too... . but at almost 40 years old she probably never be any better because she is in denial.  Everyone else is bad... . crazy... . horrible people.  For her to drop her pride and peer inside herself is unlikely to happen.  Whatever... . she's not my problem anymore

[In_n_Out]

It's not their pride or because that's how they want to behave.  It's just the way that their wires got wired when they were young and didn't get the proper love/attention/affection from mommy and daddy.  My ex acknowledges and knows what she does.  She knows that every r/s has been the same and for the same reasons and she desperately wants to find a loving, happy r/s and get married (she really wanted kids but she's 43 now).  The thing is, she can't help herself.  She told me "you're right, I need to take time for myself, not see anybody, go back to my T and become happy with myself before I can hope to make somebody else happy".  What did she do?  Recycled with my replacement and AFAIK she's still going through the idolization phase with him.  She may want to change as much as I'd want her to but she just never will because she's not programmed to think any other way and I personally don't think that all the drugs, DBT/CBT, therapy in the world is every going to put Humpty Dumptness back together again.

[Johnny Alias]

It's not their pride or because that's how they want to behave.  It's just the way that their wires got wired when they were young and didn't get the proper love/attention/affection from mommy and daddy.  My ex acknowledges and knows what she does.  She knows that every r/s has been the same and for the same reasons and she desperately wants to find a loving, happy r/s and get married (she really wanted kids but she's 43 now).  The thing is, she can't help herself.  She told me "you're right, I need to take time for myself, not see anybody, go back to my T and become happy with myself before I can hope to make somebody else happy".  What did she do?  Recycled with my replacement and AFAIK she's still going through the idolization phase with him.  She may want to change as much as I'd want her to but she just never will because she's not programmed to think any other way and I personally don't think that all the drugs, DBT/CBT, therapy in the world is every going to put Humpty Dumptness back together again.

I'm with you right there.  Mine's 43 too.  Statistically very hard to get pregnant at that age even with medical help.  Seriously though... . as Mom's it wouldn't be good.  They might calm down for a few years while the kid was cute... . but after that many of the behaviors we are familiar with return.  Substance abuse, raging, etc.  I've seen it before.  They can't leave well enough alone. 

It gets worse.  Yours and mine are probably already in the early stages of pre menopause.  Did she get hot flashes, have insomnia, and get intensely nuts during her menstrual cycle?  Believe me that gets WORSE.  I've read some stories that would turn you WHITE. 

[shellsh0cked]

It's not their pride or because that's how they want to behave.  It's just the way that their wires got wired when they were young and didn't get the proper love/attention/affection from mommy and daddy.  My ex acknowledges and knows what she does.  She knows that every r/s has been the same and for the same reasons and she desperately wants to find a loving, happy r/s and get married (she really wanted kids but she's 43 now).  The thing is, she can't help herself.  She told me "you're right, I need to take time for myself, not see anybody, go back to my T and become happy with myself before I can hope to make somebody else happy".  What did she do?  Recycled with my replacement and AFAIK she's still going through the idolization phase with him.  She may want to change as much as I'd want her to but she just never will because she's not programmed to think any other way and I personally don't think that all the drugs, DBT/CBT, therapy in the world is every going to put Humpty Dumptness back together again.

I will go with that... . but in her case, and not necessarily due to BPD, she is VERY prideful and also in denial about it.  Everyone else is the one with the problem... . Admitting she was the one with one would require letting herself be vulnerable.  Mine had to validate every insecurity she had with a concrete reason for feeling that way... . even if it meant fabrications to herself to make her not feel crazy.  Hence the wild crazy accusations like looking at her mom's t!ts or checking out 15 year old kids... .

Yours at LEAST admitted... . even for a waning second that just MAYBE she had issues.  My xgf says she has a "panic disorder", but she's just hunky forking dory otherwise.  She's a very sick woman.   Never once has she said "I have a serious emotional problem... . I should get help.  I'm tired of hurting those that love me".    Not in her vocabulary.  So she just keeps on keeping on... . destroying all in her wake.  We both took a personality quiz that shows your tendencies... . guess how she scored?  Like way high on BP.  She was wigging out about it... . in the comments section typing, "I do not have borderline personality disorder!"  I told her that didn't mean she did... . but rather she had traits.  She looked panicked when she saw it.  Too bad she didn't find it in herself to take note.

[In_n_Out]

It gets worse.  Yours and mine are probably already in the early stages of pre menopause.  Did she get hot flashes, have insomnia, and get intensely nuts during her menstrual cycle?  Believe me that gets WORSE.  I've read some stories that would turn you WHITE. 

Mine is a waife so she never let out any anger.  The worst thing that I saw her do was slam the door the night that she walked out on us.  During her period she would get extra needy... . always had to have a hug (a long hug) and she would want/need shoulder and back rubs because of the constant pain (I've since learned about that; I always just thought that it was stress alone).  It was so obvious that the running joke would be ... . "you just started didn't you?"  I could tell immediately.

[that1guy]

"is making" or has had a *history* of having made bad choices?  Drugs, prostitution and BPD. I dunno, you tell us why you would still care? 

I guess the reason that I care is that she has (maybe had, now?) a lot of potential to be successful in life. She does (or at least knew) how to work hard. She put her self through under-grad after her Dad cut her off for his own selfish reasons. She has the ability to set goals, and work toward them. And she is very smart.

She has acknowledged that she is making bad decisions and is in a downward spiral.  I'm just not sure she'll be able to come out of it. I guess for me it's like watching a plane crash. You can see it's going to be bad, but can't look away. And I have come to the realization that there's nothing I can do to stop it. She either will, or she won't. But it's still sad to see.

Being very smart is also a double edged sword for her. She is sometimes too smart for her own good. My ex told me that she tried to make an appointment with her former lcsw, but that her T wasn't taking on new patients. The gist I got from the second conversation about seeing someone was that she contacted her T personally and that her T wouldn't take her back.

I'm not really surprised though. When we were together and trying to work on things, my ex was seeing a lcsw for talk therapy and a psychiatrist for meds. Every time he would prescribe her something, she would get on the net and research the crap out of it (she has a scientific bent). And in almost every situation she'd find a message board about how evil the drug was. I will admit that a couple of them did mess with her pretty severely. But that just increased her distrust of the MD. She would go to her pcp and talk that doctor into giving her a benzo, or something similar. I guess the psychiatrist saw through her. He requested a meds check from the pharmacy. When he found out that my ex was taking other things she wasn't telling him about, he dropped her as a patient. Looking back now, I think that was the beginning of the end for our rs. My ex dropped out of therapy completely after that.

[that1guy]

and getting out there and meeting new people (date this weekend).  I.e., I'm working on ME and not worrying about what she's doing or who she's doing it with (to the best of my ability).

I have been working on me. And I've been doing better. I have also been going on dates. I have met an attractive, smart, and successful woman (doctor, no less). We've had a few dates now. I've passed the you're not a creeper test, I got to pick her up at her house last time rather than just meet up .

My ex just happens to have the ability to intrude on my life due to our geographical proximity to each other.