I am scared to death

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Of being like her. I am always scared I'm doing what she does ,that if I cry, its the way she cries, to get people to do what she wants.

Im always scared if I get angry, its like her.

Im scared scared scared... that everything I do is like her.

Im distrustful of people, and she is to

What if Im just an attention seeking monster.

I dont want to be like her, Im scared to cry, eat, im scared to want anything, Im scared im evil and I just want to hurt people and cry for attention.

I feel so scared I could hide away forever so I wont hurt anybody.

[Sitara]

I have the same thoughts sometimes too.  She cut us off from people to keep us kids safe, now I find myself doing the same thing.  I have a lot of the same behaviors and some of the same reactions to stress.  What if I am turning into her?

But the difference is I am actively trying to make my life better.  I am working on my faults.  I was willing to sit down and face what I was doing wrong in our relationship.  She is unwilling (or unable) to do these things.  She is unable to face truth.

The fact that you are here and working on yourself is evidence you are not her.  Self-improvement is hard but well worth it.  Just keep on working on healing.

[lucyhoneychurch]

((Don't give up)) cyber hug.

Just this morning, after so many months of relative calm on family of origin front and appreciating ties I have with close close friends who *are* my family... . well... . just this morning I have this man I've been seeing, after a pretty hurtful scene last evening because I couldn't read his mind that he didn't want to even HEAR about Philipp Seymour Hoffman (we are talking a 2 minute comment I made about irony of that actor's rehab stint last May might"ve whatever and I don't even want to divert my comment into that... . but on that "wow read in the news" level comment)... . "I don't even want to HEAR about some man who died over 3 days ago that I don't even know... . "

And the next thing I know after a nice pizza supper and talk about so many other things, he is out the door, never havign told me *when* I was blathering about said actor and situation to just please, can we change the subject? and every other time he's done that, You bet not a problem.

Out the door, not explaining to me how I was supposed to KNOW without any physical (eye rolls sighs of disgust ntohing) that he didn't want to hear it -

He knows my history, he knows my family's story. He tells me this morning, "You went on and on about something I didn't give a damn about. You talk about your mother a whole hell of a lot more than I wanna hear, yet you do the very things you complain that she used to do."

And I asked, So last evening's pretty awful scene, I brought that about, I created that?

Yes.

You know what he could read (I will say he is uBPD-lite, except when he is tired after working on farm equipment like yesterday and had 2 beers in him with pizza) he could read has always read my inner trepidation and dismay that any part of me could ever be like her.

And when he needed to stop me in my tracks when I was asking, But how could I have known that I needed to shut up? He never answered me, he preyed on my very very profound fear, "scared to death" even at 51 after a divorce and no more children living here and health issues - wow, did he hit the target.

That conversation was over when I absolutely fell apart.

Our fears can be that recognizable to others and to us. The quickest way for anyone who doesn't like me trying to look out for myself, like this man was sick of hearing that HE might've been unfair going off when I didn't know he hated topic... .

the quickest way was to sabotage my heart and connect it to my mother.

I will scale this relationship back way down on the dial of "how ya doin' " like it was over 2 yrs ago. I didn't need that today.

At all.

We are scared to death because any notion or idea that we could be hurting others like our mothers hurt us is profoundly and intrinsically frightening and awful.

I told him, "Well, I was telling myself you were benefitting from my friendship (he lost a son just over 2 yrs ago to suicide) and just like her, I guess I was fooling myself."

The only thing I was fooling myself about was subjecting myself to a person who triggers the same feelings in me that SHE did, not the other way around.

Untwist your thinking, like I had to after he was done with me this morning, and be realistic (like I had to be) and ask yourself, But honestly, how DO I handle people disagreeing with me? or needing me? or having a life of their own?

You could easily, recently, have been around someone who is very conveniently bringing these worries to your attention so that you don't observe theirs... . the actual harming behaviors and hurtful acts/comments.

It's a bluff. It's like that dry ice fog that they put on a stage. You can't see clearly. You can't really identify what's going on right in front of you.

Get some distance like I managed to find after being so so upset and hurt this morning and run it through a bulls**t meter (there just isn't another term for it, please don't let me offend you) and see if you are tired, lonely, angry, when these thoughts are coming at you.

Something tells me that your introspection, these sentences and questions you posed about yourself, almost *guarantee* that you are SO nothing like your mother it's unreal.

Do you see where I'm coming from?

Be kind to yourself.

[Legacymaker]

I think we all fear "becoming or being" just like them! 

Remember, we grew up looking in broken mirrors.  We have plenty of "fleas". 

I console myself knowing that the difference is, I don't run away from considering that I might have a problem.

I am a constant work in progress.  I am the generation determined to break the cycle.  I won't always get it right, but I'll try darn hard to learn, grow and develop better ways to interact! 

I truely believe that taking responsibility and recognizing the damaging behaviors are what makes our actions a learned behavior versus a mental illness.

[StarStruck]

Interesting post, if I do something that bleeps on the radar that it reminds me of her I question myself straight away and ask myself ... . have I handled that in the right way.

With me though I take on a lot emotionally and stretch myself out (trying to sort this). I am trying be kind to myself and reinforcing boundaries if I feel over loaded by someone. This is a stressful time for me... . I have found myself angry twice in the last few weeks and have displayed that. I have had a good think about it... . why it happened, how I can communicate better, and the part my partner plays. It's been unusual but I have to try and trust him that he's not just trying to win the argument... in refwhere my fault lies.

Thing is I'm not like her, I am a fair person... but if I display upset I question whether it's ok and not the same as what my Mom would do... . = disproportionate rage/anger.

I think that because I have come to the conclusion to end the relationship.(concluding that its the best way for me to recover)... when that day comes... . I won't be uptight as I am, not letting discussions go to tipping point in first place, hopefully. Put it this way I need to be kinder to myself ... . I am upset for a good reason - which is fair /at least rational. nothing like the reason why my Mom used to get angry.

Other than communicating better in stressful situations ... . wait for it!... v random... . I am working on not interrupting in a conversation (my Mom used to do this) I am a nightmare for it... . it really pees the other person off.

DontGiveUpOnMe - have you ever thought about talking it though with a therapist... . when children have had this experience I think they are really hard on themselves and therefore as adults. It may give you the confidence to know you have a chance of knocking these thoughts out of the window and really believing you are not her.

lucyhoneychurch - I think I understand where your coming from... . and it sounds like you did some good analysis of the situ that happened with your partner, blimin hard work isn't it. I feel for you having to do that ... do you feel you have to do this often because of him? I can remember doing this a lot with an old boyfriend you see... . and it turned out he had his own issues and they held me back from resolving mine.

You are so right Sitara - unable to face the truth. They haven't got the guts we all have... . no way! they didn't crush us!... . we are dusting ourselves off !

[Coral]

My very best friend just threw a 25 year friendship with me. We were discussing something that we have differing views.  She said "You're just like your sister."  I said "oh, take that back."  She said "You're just like her" and recalled a horrible comment my sister made to her.  My friend and I were not fighting, just discussing different ways to make BBQ...   Her comment just shattered me.  She wasn't joking and pressed her point even when I pleaded w/her. 

I'm so very hurt.   I don't see any way back.  Losing her hurts so much.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Interesting post, if I do something that bleeps on the radar that it reminds me of her I question myself straight away and ask myself ... . have I handled that in the right way.

With me though I take on a lot emotionally and stretch myself out (trying to sort this). I am trying be kind to myself and reinforcing boundaries if I feel over loaded by someone. This is a stressful time for me... . I have found myself angry twice in the last few weeks and have displayed that. I have had a good think about it... . why it happened, how I can communicate better, and the part my partner plays. It's been unusual but I have to try and trust him that he's not just trying to win the argument... in refwhere my fault lies.

Thing is I'm not like her, I am a fair person... but if I display upset I question whether it's ok and not the same as what my Mom would do... . = disproportionate rage/anger.

I think that because I have come to the conclusion to end the relationship.(concluding that its the best way for me to recover)... when that day comes... . I won't be uptight as I am, not letting discussions go to tipping point in first place, hopefully. Put it this way I need to be kinder to myself ... . I am upset for a good reason - which is fair /at least rational. nothing like the reason why my Mom used to get angry.

Other than communicating better in stressful situations ... . wait for it!... v random... . I am working on not interrupting in a conversation (my Mom used to do this) I am a nightmare for it... . it really pees the other person off.

DontGiveUpOnMe - have you ever thought about talking it though with a therapist... . when children have had this experience I think they are really hard on themselves and therefore as adults. It may give you the confidence to know you have a chance of knocking these thoughts out of the window and really believing you are not her.

lucyhoneychurch - I think I understand where your coming from... . and it sounds like you did some good analysis of the situ that happened with your partner, blimin hard work isn't it. I feel for you having to do that ... do you feel you have to do this often because of him? I can remember doing this a lot with an old boyfriend you see... . and it turned out he had his own issues and they held me back from resolving mine.

You are so right Sitara - unable to face the truth. They haven't got the guts we all have... . no way! they didn't crush us!... . we are dusting ourselves off !

Thank you for replying, I am very hard on myself but only because I have to be. I live with her and her biggest complaint about me is that I don't see and choose to think I am "the best" so I make it a point I put myself down right away, and I honestly don't know how else to live... . I don't want to put myself up or feel good, I dont want to because it feels so dangerous ... . like it puts me in a place where she can slash me again.

I just want to be as quiet as possible, but I promise I will think about all you all have said. She says I don't accept the truth about myself, so I want to make her believe I know I'm evil so that way im pleasing her even if its in a sick way, at least I am, and at least somewhere I know Im trying my best to do what she says, that way i secretly know inside that Im trying to believe what she says about me so that way when she says I don't I can list how bad I am and she won't be right.


I know im so twisted... . I don't even know if I wanna get better anymore, what does better mean anyway

[StarStruck]

With having to act like something you don't believe to stop abuse from happening - over a period of time this can eat away at you because just acting like how they expect or how you feel you need to be will feed back to yourself in some way - it will get you down.

Get whatever help you need, to give you the strength to stand up.

[lucyhoneychurch]

You are not invisible. You are a vibrant, feeling, sentient being and you don't deserve to let anyone re-shape who and what you are.

I read your first post in this thread, and then your response just now - oh you sound like such a target who is drowning in confusion and I so so SO remember the same feelings, where one minute I was told that I was wonderful and no one else is like me and then the next words from this woman (to this day it leaves me so unsettled when someone compliments me, a 51-yr-old mother of three adults you see how long it can stretch into the future?) were that I had done or said this awful thing and how dare I and what was wrong with me and on and on... .

We are not who they try to sculpt us into being.

I defy you to tell me that you do not have amazing creative thoughts buried in all your pain, I defy you to not list ways you have survived the unthinkable - a parent who attempts to destroy your heart to build up her own - I defy you to tell me that you have no reason to shine and find your path.

If all of us can do it and have done it, so can you.

Here's where you choose, sweet sweet young person - you choose life or you choose her path of lies and pain.

You might have to keep living amidst the lies and pain, and it smothers our souls almost to utter darkness... . but when you know there is a spark buried inside of you that will never go out, that your spirit is struggling and wants to overcome -

you will live.

I am reaching out to tell you that if we, way out here in cyberspace, sense and know that you are facing same crippling damaging patterns of abuse that we faced, and here we are saying, "Here give me your hand, let me pull you out of your quicksand existence even for a moment," grab our hands and listen to us.

Do not give up.

Don't aim for "better." Aim for autonomy and your own identity even under her roof.

You are full of light that you have to hold out in your cave and find the door, the way out.

Choose you. Not her.         

[PleaseValidate]

 

Thank you for replying, I am very hard on myself but only because I have to be. I live with her and her biggest complaint about me is that I don't see and choose to think I am "the best" so I make it a point I put myself down right away, and I honestly don't know how else to live... . I don't want to put myself up or feel good, I dont want to because it feels so dangerous ... . like it puts me in a place where she can slash me again.

I just want to be as quiet as possible, but I promise I will think about all you all have said. She says I don't accept the truth about myself, so I want to make her believe I know I'm evil so that way im pleasing her even if its in a sick way, at least I am, and at least somewhere I know Im trying my best to do what she says, that way i secretly know inside that Im trying to believe what she says about me so that way when she says I don't I can list how bad I am and she won't be  

It means she has you right where she wants you! Try not to give in and let her destroy you, DontGiveUponMe. I was just like you over a decade ago. I escaped her words from becoming my thoughts and so will you. You are obviously motivated enough to do so and lucky to know this young that your mother has a very serious mental disease. If someone w untreated schizophrenia told you that YOU were Satan would you believe him? It's the same w mom. She seems to be talking crazy w no insight. Very sorry for your situation.