T+2 Days

[Turkish]

I spent the night alone last night. Stayed up late, and I didn't feel like going into work early, even though I should have, and I awoke at 6.  talked to a buddy in another state to catch up with him. Cried uncontrollably very late. Weird being in an empty house. Left the heat off, but was fine under the covers. I picked up the kids today from the neighbor's. The lady called my X because she thought X was going to come pick them up, as if I were kidnapping them, feminist/[culture deleted] mafia! They're MY KIDS TOO. Can't wait to get that custody stipulation signed so I will have legal recourse if anybody tries to pull something. I doubt it will be her, as she has been very accommodating. She forgot to leave the car seat this morning after she came by after I left for work (she still has the keys... . I need to get them back, but she still has some stuff here). She stopped by a few hours later to drop off the seat and asked if it was ok if she came in and saw the kids. I don't know what she thinks of me, but I won't ever deny her access, unless she shows up like at 3AM or something on my day. She was hugging the kids and started crying. Cried on the way out the door. She looked very prim and pretty. I withheld comment. I am no longer her validation machine. I did feel compassion at that moment, maybe something like pity, and yes, YES something like love, though I could never be with this person ever again. Way too much emotional and financial damage done. I doubt she will ever try to recycle me, but it might happen. That's why I want this legal stuff done and over, giving it finality. She'll switch back to teen lover waif when she sees him now, free to do so for a few days. It was almost like she was... . not happy, but free? Since she won't see the kids until she gets them Saturday morning.

Still some FOG lingering... . like I caused this by my behavior (withholding affection), becoming the trigger. And I rarely validated her how she wanted, even though she told me how to do it. How many pwBPDs do that? I did learn to deal with the depression, but never the anger. Never. It triggered me.

But then I think the biggest thing was me putting down the barrier and making it clear that our kids were more important than going out and working on our r/s. I guess I never knew how, and I give kudos to couples who can do both. BIG kudos.