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Author Topic: Listen to your friends and family...  (Read 798 times)
Johnny Alias
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« on: February 05, 2014, 08:39:47 AM »

You're in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt if you're having trouble getting over your BPD ex... . Just like me.

Thing is you've got friends and family who I bet have warned you off the ex... . Sometimes for ages. They saw something wrong almost from the start. They may have mentioned it to you.  They may have expressed doubt when you got recycled the second or third time and on.

They have something simple... . Objectivity.  You don't.

Fact is most of them know your ex is a train wreck. Many of them have seen it firsthand and were worried for you. At this point they might be tired of hearing about it but that's what therapists are for.

But remember what they said. They saw it. In my case my dad first said uh oh when my ex came home for Xmas, got wasted, slurred her words, talked loud, ran off in a fit when I told her to lay off the booze, fell down, and then ran to bedroom crying for her daddy who was also visiting. 

My friends?  They got to witness her yelling at me in bars, taxis, parties, wherever. They cringed at the verbal abuse I received. Again she was drunk.

Thing is a bud of mine said EVERYONE knew she was bad for me and it was never going to stop.

Goes without saying... . If you're jumping off this bridge... . No one is going to follow you. They know it's a bridge... . But all you see is a pile of flowers and candy.

They were right before. That's okay. We should accept that we were wrong... . But now we can  be right.
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Waifed
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« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2014, 09:08:22 AM »

You're in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt if you're having trouble getting over your BPD ex... . Just like me.

Thing is you've got friends and family who I bet have warned you off the ex... . Sometimes for ages. They saw something wrong almost from the start. They may have mentioned it to you.  They may have expressed doubt when you got recycled the second or third time and on.

They have something simple... . Objectivity.  You don't.

Fact is most of them know your ex is a train wreck. Many of them have seen it firsthand and were worried for you. At this point they might be tired of hearing about it but that's what therapists are for.

But remember what they said. They saw it. In my case my dad first said uh oh when my ex came home for Xmas, got wasted, slurred her words, talked loud, ran off in a fit when I told her to lay off the booze, fell down, and then ran to bedroom crying for her daddy who was also visiting. 

My friends?  They got to witness her yelling at me in bars, taxis, parties, wherever. They cringed at the verbal abuse I received. Again she was drunk.

Thing is a bud of mine said EVERYONE knew she was bad for me and it was never going to stop.

Goes without saying... . If you're jumping off this bridge... . No one is going to follow you. They know it's a bridge... . But all you see is a pile of flowers and candy.

They were right before. That's okay. We should accept that we were wrong... . But now we can  be right.

My best friend always talked me into trying to work things out with my ex.  He said it was obvious that she loved me and we were meant to be together!   The quiet ones can really do a number on you and all those around them.
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Johnny Alias
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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2014, 09:14:58 AM »

Whoa. I didn't hear that once!  If they've seen any manifestations of the real deal then I think MOST would be hard pressed to see you fight for a toxic relationship. That must have messed you up!
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Johnny Alias
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« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2014, 09:16:09 AM »

Then again I'm discounting the waifs. Mine was half witch half waif. Witch when drunk.
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happylogist
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 09:24:27 AM »

Yes, applicable only for witch/queen types, but certainly not for waifs and maybe hermits.

And if the smear campaign has started before the actual break-up even friends and family might turn away from the actual victim.
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Madison66
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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 09:54:26 AM »

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years exhibited many waif traits and also those of a vulnerable narcissist.  Quiet and emotional abuser with plenty of irrational behavior and memorable rages. 

My ex kept me alienated from friends by only wanting to do one-on-one activities.  Family was all hundreds or thousands of miles away.  The difficult thing for me was that I'd share with friends and family some actions, behaviors and things that were said by my ex.  The overwhelming response was to "run"!  I recall a phone conversation with my oldest sister where she clearly suggested that I walk away and close the door.  The words I still remember her saying was "listen to what she says and look at what she's doing".  "Is that what you want in your life?"  "She is not showing you that these behaviors will change".  "Close the door and walk away".  My T also said many of these same things, and this was after she had a hand full of individual sessions with my ex.  She would say "how does this all look 20 years from now?"  The toughest thing I'd hear from my T was "with all of the emotional abuse/blackmail, I have to question if you are in the grips of relationship addiction".  This was after the first recycle in October, 2012.  I then didn't go back to the T for about three months.

Bottom-line, I heard all of this and more from family, friends and my T over a two year period.  I would then not share additional abuse stories because I knew those around me were frustrated and worried.  So, I cut off from many of them and then the abuse ramped up.  I see this now as me acting out my "love addiction" - I kept going back for more even though the abuse was taking a heavy toll on me.  I regret not listening to friends, family, my T and most importantly my gut.  Healing and recovery has centered around the "love addiction" and co-dependency issues, and about trusting my gut.  I've also been working at extracting every bit of wisdom from the struggles of the experience.  I could have never done this while I was in the r/s or with any contact with the ex.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 10:17:36 AM »

Excerpt
I regret not listening to friends, family, my T and most importantly my gut. 

Agree w/you, Madison66.  A key element in my recovery from a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW is learning to listen to my gut feelings again.  No doubt my friends, family and T all saw things that troubled them, but for years I was lost at sea in the FOG and abuse, and could no longer see things clearly.  Glad those days are behind me!  Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
buddy1226
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2014, 10:37:08 AM »

Mine was a queen/waif... she could play it perfectly to mutual friends and even my family. STILL there has never been one person to endorse that relationship or say that we should try to work it out. This was from the very start.
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growing_wings
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2014, 11:48:27 AM »

mine was an "angel" to the world too... . however, i do agree, is important to listen to Family and friends IF they know what is happening indoors.

until the B/u i didnt tell to my friends nor family about the stuff she did to me. i kept it indoors, i was well inside the FOG and allowed anything to happen. then after the B/u i slowly opened to some of the closest friends i had, with whom i lost contact during the r/s, they were impressed at listening to what she did to me, they validated the fact that "healthy" people do not do that in relationships... .

also, i kept showing them some of the messages i got after that were insulting and devaluating... . and they agreed that was mental. that feedback helped me to get out of the FOG, as they were telling me that was NOT right.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2014, 12:04:16 PM »

The only friend who knew him told me that his jaw dropped when he heard I was dating my pwBPD. "What the f are you doing with this guy?", "you do not want to date him" and "have you been checked for stds?"... . Then he shared some of his experiences with him. ... But, he was interested in knowing whether he was good in bed or not... . Oh, men!
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
Tincup
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 12:11:31 PM »

JOhnny--I had anyone who knew what had happened in the relationship tell me to stay away from her because regardless of BPD she was not healthy for me.  In all other aspects of my life I am a very common sense person.  Common sense says to listen to your friends.  Not one of my friends told me to remain in contact.  But I recycled many times without listening to them.  It is like a drug, you know you shouldn't do it but it is so hard to not because it feels really good before it feels bad.
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feelingcrazy7832
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« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2014, 12:33:27 PM »

Every single family member and every single friend told me to stay away from my ex. It got to the point that after so many R/S, back and forths, push and pulls, I distanced myself from people because I was too embarassed to admit I took him back. Talk about a red flag!

One of my closest friends told me after we spent a long weekend together with her kids/husband and my kid/exBPD bf (which was the first time she met him) that her husband told her he didn't want my ex around their kids again. Yikes! I still went back for two more years of pure hell.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2014, 12:57:58 PM »

Yea my ex-husband sent emails between he and I to my mom and dad.

My dad called me immediately and told me to get away from him, that he was insane.

I didn't feel at the time that he was insane, I felt he was very troubled. But dad was right, regardless of his mental problems he was not a good husband to me. I was frightened of him most of the time, especially at the end.

It's hard to comprehend how I was so fooled. I honestly thought I could love his fears away.

I couldn't.

It's such a shame. My mom even said that it was very sad. She has no idea... it almost broke me, made me want to take my life. I'm back from the precipice now, but it was very close.


L
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In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
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DiamondSW
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« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2014, 01:07:29 PM »

My mother had tears when I told her what went on during the r/s.

She thought my BPDexgf was really beautiful and she couldn't get over the stories of rage and humiliation.

My mum still misses her.   

I think we all do.

But we miss the illusion, not the 'real' girl that she was.  Think my mum's more worried now about the damage caused to me (I'm her only child) and her fears that I might not trust anyone again.  Ultimately, she knows how close I came to the edge and my mum can't believe how the BPDex shamed me/treated me in such a way so that I had no-one to really call because I was so isolated. 

Strangely, my work clients didn't like her.  They all said she was 'beautiful'.  Sadly, that's all ANYONE ever said about her.  That's all they SAY TODAY.  That's all her mum tells her.  "You're beautiful"  ... . (I can find you rich man habibi)

maybe i'm just venting, having a rotten time at mo.
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