What to do when your BPD mother invites herself to something

[zubizou87]

My BPD mum has just invited herself to Christmas at my house when I just wanted a quiet celebration with friends.

Do any of you have experience with this or advice?

[GeekyGirl]

It all depends. If you don't mind having her there, you can include her. If you've already made other plans, though, you can gently tell her (perhaps using SET) that you already have other plans.

Did your mother invite herself to Christmas in this coming December? That's still a long ways off. Do you owe her an answer immediately?

[zubizou87]

I spend a few months going VLC with her because I had started a new relationship and I wanted to give it a bit of a chance to develop before she projected onto it and tried to pick it apart. I'm starting to tell the difference between when she as a person is talking and when her illness is talking to me.

My mother is a very intelligent woman and I think she has picked up on the fact that I suspect she is mentally ill and that I don't respond to her emotionally when it comes out.

Concequently she is being much nicer to me and our relationship has improved (although if I ease drop I hear her and my stepdad discussing things so negatively I still know it's very much threre I'm just protected from it.)

I'm going to be hosting my first Christmas at my apartment in Europe next year I want to invited my live in boyfriend, Father (divorced) and some friends, my teenaged sister who lives with my mother and a few other people. My problem is my mother doesn't function very well in a community of people. She doesn't like to share, take turns talking and stating opinions. I'm not sure how well she will treat the group of people I would like to have with me. There is the problem of either getting her narcissistic huff where she sulks and makes everyone uncomfortable or glow where she dominates the conversation and talks about herself all evening. Both may be very irritating or boring for the guests because it's not really about her it's about everyone and I hope they can all enjoy themselves. I just want to celebrate without the drama of her ruining it whether she is or isn't invited.

[P.F.Change]

I just want to celebrate without the drama of her ruining it whether she is or isn't invited.

It sounds like you are anticipating that she will behave poorly whether you invite her or not. So her behavior really isn't under your control, only how you respond to it.

I think this boils down to what your boundaries are and what you want to do to look after them. If you invite your mother, you can think about what kind of behavior you tolerate from guests in your home, and under what circumstances you would ask someone to leave. Alternately, you might think about whether you allow people to invite themselves into your home and under what circumstances, and if not how you will communicate that. If you don't want to invite your mother to this particular dinner, nothing says you have to, even if this is what she expects. Christmas is still quite a ways off, so you have some time to figure out what you want to do.

SET can be a helpful tool for communicating boundaries. Would you be able to use it for this situation? Let us know if you would like to practice here, we can help you out.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[GeekyGirl]

zubizou, PF has given you some very sage advice. Setting some ground rules or limits and making them clear in a gentle way (SET is good for this), is your best bet.

The other option is to have a separate, more private Christmas celebration with your mother. Would she be open to that?