Sleep issues

[unicorn2014]

Hi everyone. I stumbled into this discussion on the leaving board and decided to bring it over here for those of us who are staying. Has anybody run into sleep issues with their pwBPD  like them needing extra reassurance at night because they don't want to separate at sleep time?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sadeyes]

I don't have that problem because we live together, but my pwBPD will not sleep without me. I was out of town for 5 days last year, and I think he slept about 12 or 14 hours the whole time I was gone. He felt he had to take off work while I was gone & I think he played on the computer and watched movies the whole time. Knowing him, I doubt he ever went outside.

[guitarguy09]

It's funny. I know she misses me when she goes to her mom's house (helping her clean the house) over night, but sometimes we just get into big arguments real late at night at home anyways. It drives me crazy. A couple of times I have gone to sleep on the couch instead (once out of choice). It's strange how she can start something up late at night. This of course makes sleeping harder as my mind is going a million miles an hour. She is a stay at home mom so she doesn't have anything pressing to get up for in the morning. The other thing is that she will never let a topic go until we have totally talked it out. This makes for a very frustrating time for both of us. 

[Greenmeadow]

Hi, I haven't come across my dBPD needing extra reassurance at night because they don't want to be seperated. However during the night (whilst asleep) they are constantly close to me and wanting to be close.

I have more a thing of my dBPD having nightmares and waking up constantly. I know they are graphic SI based nightmares we've tried so many things, reading, warm soft lighting, lavendar baths nearly everything to help, but nothing is working. Has anyone else come across this?

[unicorn2014]

Hi green meadow, I can relate to that. My pwBPD has violent dreams. I've watched him frown in his sleep and then I dread him waking up because I know I'll have to ease his mind. I've suggested a sleep aid. I take one myself.

[SleepsOnSofa]

As you can guess by my handle, my uBPDw and I almost never sleep in the same bed. The official excuse is that I have to get up very early for work, and am a heavy sleeper, so I need an extra-loud alarm. While this is true, it's far from the only reason. When we still slept in the same bed regularly, she would take the opportunity bedtime afforded to ispend an hour or two or three telling me all about the things I'd done wrong that day, and then connecting them with everything I'd ever done in the past, to show a "pattern" of (1) not respecting her, (2) not being attracted to her, (3) being attracted to other people, (4) only paying attention to her when I want sex, (5) being a know-it-all, (6) hiding things from her, (7) telling stories that are way too long, (8) not standing up to my mother or my family, (9) using her family history against her, etc. etc. etc. That was before we would fall asleep. The morning program was much more limited - then, she focused on complaining about my alarm clock waking her up too early (she's a stay-at-home mom). I started sleeping on the couch, just so I could get some sleep.

Realistically, though, I don't fall asleep as much as collapse from exhaustion. On nights when I'm not exhausted, I have a hard time falling asleep because my brain is churning from all the problems we have. On these nights, my wife often stays awake as long as I do - well past midnight - mostly to be sure I'm not doing something she won't approve of. On nights when I am exhausted, I fall unconscious on the couch right after dinner, usually before my daughter goes to bed. On those nights, I'm so deep asleep that my wife either won't or can't get me to wake up to listen to her. Generally speaking, these nights alternate, and I get two hours of sleep one night, and eight or ten the next. But even on average, I don't get anywhere near enough sleep.

[Greenmeadow]

Hi green meadow, I can relate to that. My pwBPD has violent dreams. I've watched him frown in his sleep and then I dread him waking up because I know I'll have to ease his mind. I've suggested a sleep aid. I take one myself.

Hi unicorn2014,

Thank you. Yes this is exactly what I've experienced. The frowning and watching the pain on his face as he sleeps, is horrible. I do wake him up if I can. I will try a sleep aid and see is that puts him into a deeper sleep with no dreaming.

I hope it doesn't effect your sleep as well.

[guitarguy09]

As you can guess by my handle, my uBPDw and I almost never sleep in the same bed. The official excuse is that I have to get up very early for work, and am a heavy sleeper, so I need an extra-loud alarm. While this is true, it's far from the only reason. When we still slept in the same bed regularly, she would take the opportunity bedtime afforded to ispend an hour or two or three telling me all about the things I'd done wrong that day, and then connecting them with everything I'd ever done in the past, to show a "pattern" of (1) not respecting her, (2) not being attracted to her, (3) being attracted to other people, (4) only paying attention to her when I want sex, (5) being a know-it-all, (6) hiding things from her, (7) telling stories that are way too long, (8) not standing up to my mother or my family, (9) using her family history against her, etc. etc. etc. That was before we would fall asleep. The morning program was much more limited - then, she focused on complaining about my alarm clock waking her up too early (she's a stay-at-home mom). I started sleeping on the couch, just so I could get some sleep.

Realistically, though, I don't fall asleep as much as collapse from exhaustion. On nights when I'm not exhausted, I have a hard time falling asleep because my brain is churning from all the problems we have. On these nights, my wife often stays awake as long as I do - well past midnight - mostly to be sure I'm not doing something she won't approve of. On nights when I am exhausted, I fall unconscious on the couch right after dinner, usually before my daughter goes to bed. On those nights, I'm so deep asleep that my wife either won't or can't get me to wake up to listen to her. Generally speaking, these nights alternate, and I get two hours of sleep one night, and eight or ten the next. But even on average, I don't get anywhere near enough sleep.

I get those two all the time. When we go to bed we usually don't get into a big argument, or at least not lately. But when we argued about my family, she would constantly bring up the argument that I never stand up for her to my family, despite her irrational behavior and the fact that I have talked to them many times on her behalf.

[misterfire17]

For me the sleep habits bounce around. Some nights she wants to be close and some nights doesn't want me in the bed at all. She is the master at creating some drama late at night which causes me to lay awake for hours going over the conflict in my head while she sleeps like a baby. I suspect there is some underlying satisfaction for her by knowing I am in hell. As Sleeponasofa has outlined, my wife has nightmares, jumps, talks, cries, screams in her sleep. So it is a lose-lose situation. Once I fall asleep she does all of these things and I am once again exhausted which causes me to not have the energy to take care of myself. I think sometimes it is a sick little game in which I am the pawn.

[unicorn2014]

Hi green meadow, I can relate to that. My pwBPD has violent dreams. I've watched him frown in his sleep and then I dread him waking up because I know I'll have to ease his mind. I've suggested a sleep aid. I take one myself.

Hi unicorn2014,

Thank you. Yes this is exactly what I've experienced. The frowning and watching the pain on his face as he sleeps, is horrible. I do wake him up if I can. I will try a sleep aid and see is that puts him into a deeper sleep with no dreaming.

I hope it doesn't effect your sleep as well.

I try not to let it. If over the counter herbs or supplements don't work then you can try prescription medication.

[unicorn2014]

For me the sleep habits bounce around. Some nights she wants to be close and some nights doesn't want me in the bed at all. She is the master at creating some drama late at night which causes me to lay awake for hours going over the conflict in my head while she sleeps like a baby. I suspect there is some underlying satisfaction for her by knowing I am in hell. As Sleeponasofa has outlined, my wife has nightmares, jumps, talks, cries, screams in her sleep. So it is a lose-lose situation. Once I fall asleep she does all of these things and I am once again exhausted which causes me to not have the energy to take care of myself. I think sometimes it is a sick little game in which I am the pawn.

You really have to set limits with her. I remind my dBPD partner that its time to go to bed, this is not the time to have a serious conversation, etc. I know its up to me to set limits with him.