Why is it that many BPD feel empty inside

[Pinoypride18]

I know some of the other signs could come from abandonment issues or self-esteem issues. But i don't understand or get why they feel so empty inside that they need risky behaviour to feel alive or need attention or a relationship to feel alive. Why is it so hard for some of them to be alone? and that many of them do not have emotions inside or hate having feelings for others? Why is it that they don't like or know who they are inside?

Im just trying to understand how it feels for them, i want to hate my uBPDexgf, but i can't. It is not totally her fault why she acts that way, she was just wired that way. An i feel sorry, i pity her.

[schwing]

Hi Pinoypride18 and 

I'm not a professional.  My understanding is based on personal observations and the various books available, as well as the occasional personal account of a recovering pwBPD.  So here's my guess as to why it is that many pwBPD feel empty inside.

I know some of the other signs could come from abandonment issues or self-esteem issues.

What they are dealing is beyond abandonment or self-esteem "issues."  My understanding is that they more like PTSD victims who suffered their abandonment *trauma* as young children.  As children, they suffered a psychological trauma (real -- i.e., death/abandonment, or *perceived* trauma) which interrupted their psychological *development*.

You know how some people with PTSD become "stuck" and "overwhelmed" by their traumatic memories?  Well pwBPD are like that and then some.  A lot of their disordered behaviors evolve as coping mechanisms to protect themselves from this repressed psychological trauma.  An typical MO of a unrecovering pwBPD is to always run away (from this repressed trauma).

But i don't understand or get why they feel so empty inside that they need risky behaviour to feel alive or need attention or a relationship to feel alive.

Many of us are familiar with the idea of a wounded "inner child" and how that can be a impediment to our personal development.  Well, pwBPD have traumatized inner children who have hidden themselves out of self preservation.  Some recovered pwBPD have described having BPD as having a "false self" shielding, but also preventing a "true self" from developing.  The way I see it is they've never allowed themselves to "be who they are" because they are stuck in this self protective mode; but in a sense they can't ever get "past" this until they face it, and they are too afraid to face it -- this is their catch-22.  And can you imagine what it would be like to go through your life not having any sense of who you are or supposed to be?  We all take our sense of self for granted -- a self that is independent of those we are close to.

We feel depressed when we find ourselves putting the needs of other people ahead of ourselves to the point that we feel like we are self-neglecting. At least we know we are self-neglecting.  What if we don't even have that connection with ourselves?  That must feel something like "empty inside."

When the default feeling is "empty inside," then anything that allows one to "feel alive" such as impulsive and stimulating (and perhaps dangerous?) behavior can be seen as a possible alternative, certainly a more immediate solution compared to the long slog of recovery.

Why is it so hard for some of them to be alone?

One of the aspects which we take for granted but perhaps pwBPD have never developed is the sense of security established from having consistent and available parents.  We *internalized* the security of having parents.  We *internalized* what it is like to have a healthy and secure *attachment* through our parents.  PwBPD may not have had this development.  For all we know, their parents is the source of their abandonment trauma (real or perceived).

So *without* someone else (like a parent) to whom they can anchor their identity, they may feel lost.  We can be alone because we are (presumably) whole individuals.  But when they are alone, without an attachment (or even the prospect of an attachment), perhaps all they have are the faded memories of their old psychological traumas, and that just scares them.

and that many of them do not have emotions inside or hate having feelings for others? Why is it that they don't like or know who they are inside?

Because with the emotional development of a child, they cannot tolerate self flaws.  They run the risk of "splitting" or "painting black" themselves.  This is why they prefer to project their flaws onto those close to them.  This way they paint others black as opposed to themselves.  If they begin to accept that there is something wrong with them, then they start to paint themselves black, as hopelessly flawed and worthless; this is how they start to hate themselves.  It is preferable (for them) that they hate other people, than themselves.

Im just trying to understand how it feels for them, i want to hate my uBPDexgf, but i can't. It is not totally her fault why she acts that way, she was just wired that way. An i feel sorry, i pity her.

You shouldn't have to hate your uBPDexgf.  But neither should you make yourself vulnerable to her ways.  If your only alternative is to love her, then hate may serve you better until you find a comfortable distance.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Pinoypride18]

thanks for explaining it schwing. but it makes sense, but now that we have broken up i will never understand what traumatized her. but that is her problem. knowing all this is helpful in that i want to prevent this trauma from ever happening to my future kids, thanks

[Pinoypride18]

also that whole thing you said about them projecting. it all makes sense, my ex would rather blame others than to admit she ever did something wrong. i dont know what their problem is because admitting mistakes or apologizing would make them look more human. but it is ok, i would rather be with someone who cares more for the relationship than their ego and being right all the time

[Aria2014]

Hello,

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. To be honest, I think that BPD relationships rarely work out in the long run. Most of the time they end up in drama or they just stop caring about you and move on to someone else.

I have BPD and I'll try to explain the emptiness we feel inside for you. We are able to feel intense feelings but when there is no intense feeling, we don't feel anything at all and it's boring and uncomfortable and depressing, so we have to do something to trigger an intense feeling and then we feel alive again.

Why are we like that? Good question. Partly chemical imbalance in our brain I guess and then I also think we look like we have a lot of personality but we don't, we just show you what we think you want to see. Inside there isn't much personality. Probably because our parents taught us that whatever we thought or felt was wrong or unimportant and that all that mattered was pleasing them. Since most people with BPD had unstable/ abusive/ BPD parent(s), then we always had to guess and adapt to their mood swings and we developped our personality around that instead of developing a personality of our own.

This is why we feel empty: there is nothing in there, like an emty eggshell. We don't know who we are or what we like. Our identity and tastes differ depending on who is around because all we want to do is please. We put so much effort into it that if you don't give back as much, we will get mad or lose interest in you very fast. We put on a big show for you, so now it's time to clap and pay the overpriced ticket. And if you try to leave us, then we panic because we didn't succeed in pleasing you and that brings back all the mommy issues in our already overwhelmed brain.

When you see someone with BPD, look at their eyes, they're always discreetly watching your reactions to what they do or say to see if they ''got it right''. They can't help it. What you see is not another person, it's a reflection of yourself in the mirror they are holding in front of you. That's why it looks so good and that's why most men who end up in a long term relationship with borderlines are narcissists. Who else could enjoy a long lasting relationship with a mirror?

And then there is all this fuss about what's behind the mirror. Many non BPDs think that if they manage to get passed their BPD partner's ''wall'', they will understand who she is and fix her. Well, there is actually nothing much back there and that's what we spend most of our time and energy trying to do: hiding from everyone including ourselves the sad simple truth that there is nothing in there and it isn't likely that there will ever be anything because when we realize that, we're way passed the child developmental stage when you're supposed to forge your personality. Sad but true.

If that can be of any comfort to you, it sucks to have a borderline ex, but it sucks even more to be her. I know it's hard to get over a borderline ex. Very hard. Like a mix of obsession and post traumatic stress maybe? And then you miss all those intense romantic/sexual moments and you think if only... . However you can always try to fix something that's broken, but how do you fix something that's not even there? So yeah, I hope what I said made a bit of sense. Good luck with everything!

Aria

[Pinoypride18]

Aria2014 that was well put, i think i understand things better. It did feel like i was dating a mirror, when i thought she was my soul mate. She had the same interests, same goals, talked about the same things. But that was her trying to get me to like her by being what she thought i wanted. And it seemed like she was trying hard to impress even if it meant lying. It does seem like she takes on the personality of the people she is around, and not just dating. I feel like she takes on traits of her roommates she has or friends.

i think the thing that brought about the breakup was the fact that i was her longest relationship, at least in recent years. And i think it scared her that i was so close, like i had gotten past her wall. It made her uncomfortable that i had seen her behind her walls, seen how she really is. And i dont even think she likes who she is. She aways would talk about how she is a mean person, hates growing feelings for people.

even after the breakup she thought i was overestimating her. thinking to highly of her, like she didnt even think she was worth while.

i dont think she ever accepted my love or trusted me, like it was all too good to be true so she had one foot out the door just in case. it did suck to date her but you are right it would suck even more to be her. i do miss her but i think i miss what she was or made me believe she was. and now that she is with someone else i can only assume she has taken on her personality and traits and she is now a completely different person.

im sorry you are also going through BPD, it must be a tough thing to go through. thanks for the insight, i appreciate it. it helped me a lot

[maxen]

One of the aspects which we take for granted but perhaps pwBPD have never developed is the sense of security established from having consistent and available parents.  We *internalized* the security of having parents.  We *internalized* what it is like to have a healthy and secure *attachment* through our parents.  PwBPD may not have had this development.  For all we know, their parents is the source of their abandonment trauma (real or perceived).

my w never suffered physical or sexual abuse. i think her BPD must be traced to what schwing wrote here. from my years of observation, her mother is appallingly immature and makes everything about herself, and, equally important, her father is an abdicator. he never that i saw, and only very rarely ever according to my stbxw, intervenes between his wife and their children, or in the lives of his children at all. i strongly suspect that she never felt the embrace of her parents, because her mother was too self-centered and her father, in thrall to his wife, just wasn't emotionally engaged.

thing is, i saw this dynamic clearly during our marriage but i never ever thought it would produce such horrible results as what she did last june. note to self, believe what you see!

[Pinoypride18]

maxen, i agree with what you said. I also think it has to do with the parents. My uPBDexgf had major daddy and mommy issues. First her parents divorced when she was 1 y/o, so she has abandonment issues from her biological dad who was never around, then she has entitlement issues from her step dad, and a messed up relationship with her mother which i never understood. I guess this shows how deep these issues were and how it was the parents job to fix their child not their SO. But the fixer in me wanted to help her even if that meant sacrificing myself, which in the end it did. And now im left here confused with all the blame. Wow i just want to smack the inner child inside her to grow up!

[maxen]

I guess this shows how deep these issues were and how it was the parents job to fix their child not their SO. But the fixer in me wanted to help her even if that meant sacrificing myself, which in the end it did. And now im left here confused with all the blame. Wow i just want to smack the inner child inside her to grow up!

i often had to tell myself, pinoypride, that i'm not her daddy i'm her partner. i really lost patience with her immaturity. 45 going on 15, i thought. it was so frustrating, she's so intelligent and has had such professional success that i couldn't understand why she was so incompetent just as an adult. crikey it's heartbreaking.

[Pinoypride18]

I guess this shows how deep these issues were and how it was the parents job to fix their child not their SO. But the fixer in me wanted to help her even if that meant sacrificing myself, which in the end it did. And now im left here confused with all the blame. Wow i just want to smack the inner child inside her to grow up!

i often had to tell myself, pinoypride, that i'm not her daddy i'm her partner. i really lost patience with her immaturity. 45 going on 15, i thought. it was so frustrating, she's so intelligent and has had such professional success that i couldn't understand why she was so incompetent just as an adult. crikey it's heartbreaking.

i was also losing patience with her immaturity also. mine was also very smart in school but when it came to logical decisions, she was very childlike. did not make any sense. im just curious as to how they function when they get older.