Small Town

[Depression = 72% of members]

We live in a small town.  Big enough, but, it becomes small after living here for 15 years.  My ex has done a lovely job of smearing me.  He is amazingly charming, personable, and knows so many people.  I am more of a homebody, introvert, and I have a few close friends.  I am respected as a professional in my occupation though, and I am proud of that.  I am struggling with wanting people to know.  My therapist has said I need to let it go.  He said no one will ever truly know.  My ex is undiagnosed and high functioning.  Even people who know me well were shocked when I would tell them stories of his raging and demeaning... . believing me, but, having a difficult time doing so.  Even some of my extended family has refused to believe me, still accepting him (which he takes full advantage of to throw in my face).  I know I have to let this go... . but as a recovering codependent, with amazing fears of being misunderstood and unliked... . I am finding this very difficult.

Can anybody relate?

[NyGirl8]

We live in a small town.  Big enough, but, it becomes small after living here for 15 years.  My ex has done a lovely job of smearing me.  He is amazingly charming, personable, and knows so many people.  I am more of a homebody, introvert, and I have a few close friends.  I am respected as a professional in my occupation though, and I am proud of that.  I am struggling with wanting people to know.  My therapist has said I need to let it go.  He said no one will ever truly know.  My ex is undiagnosed and high functioning.  Even people who know me well were shocked when I would tell them stories of his raging and demeaning... . believing me, but, having a difficult time doing so.  Even some of my extended family has refused to believe me, still accepting him (which he takes full advantage of to throw in my face).  I know I have to let this go... . but as a recovering codependent, with amazing fears of being misunderstood and unliked... . I am finding this very difficult.

Can anybody relate?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I can relate.  The fix is awesome though: if you live true to your values and with integrity, and take that out into the world, the people who know you well will be unfazed by whatever web of lies your ex spins because they know the real you, and it will just seem like a joke and kill his credibility.  He will dig his own grave, and you won't even have to defend yourself.

And the rest of the folks, the ones who don't know the real you, they don't matter.

Take care a you!

[heartandwhole]

NyGirl8,

Being smeared is so hurtful, and I'm sorry you are going through that.  I know I would feel terrible if my pwBPD were smearing me.  Thankfully, he lives in another country, so I don't have to know.

The wanting people to know the truth is perfectly understandable and this situation is so difficult, with even some of your family believing him over you.      I guess your T said to let that wish go because people see and believe what they want to, no matter how much "evidence" we put in front of them.  They will have to find out the truth on their own.

Meanwhile, I agree with heeltoheal – continue to live with integrity and surround yourself with people who love and respect you.  We just can't control what other people think, no matter what the circumstance, so allowing yourself to put energy into you and your happiness is a better use of your time.

I know, easier said than done!  Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

[NyGirl8]

Thanks heartandwhole  and from heeltoheal!  You are both very correct.  I appreciate the support so much!  Sometimes the craziness gets to me.  On the agenda for the next session with my T, are thought stopping techniques!  I am hoping to master my obsessive thoughts of him, him with my replacement, my replacement with my children, and those people who "don't matter".  I have lived through 10+ years of his abuse and I will keep going until I see the sun through the clouds and happiness and peace outweigh sadness, hurt, shame, and anger.

Thanks again!