does this ever end?

[RecycledNoMore]

So.

I am 6 months broken up with upwBPD.

Apart from a LD re engagement which I stupidly participated in a couple of weeks ago, we have been NC.

I have stopped beating myself up over that one, ( finally)

I am seeing  T, it is hard but very wortwhile.

I have cried a little, usually to Jeff Buckleys- this is our last goodbye...

I do not ruminate as much as I used too

I am getting myself together slowly but surely.

This rs has been a defining moment in my life, its huge,there have been moments when id like to explain to people about BPD,and I cant, it just sounds so bloody far fetched,I mean I can barely understand it myself, mirrors within mirrors, questions within questions,while I was in contact with the ex recently, I SAW IT ALL, the projections, the mirrors, the fake expressions of love

I had often wondered if I was wrong about my armchair diagnosis of BPD, I dont wonder anymore,it makes me incredibly sad, both for me and him.

I would read the mods and ambassadors patient and wise advice, knowing that they have/ are experincing our collective dilemmas too, and thought to myself, " gosh, they are so calm, so understanding, how?"

I am beggining to understand how

Bpd is a sickness, borne of pain and abuse

In alot of cases, im not saying all.

My ex boyfriend of 8 years who I loved so deeply, is sick.

I used to think he was just a jerk who couldnt control himself.

I dont say this to excuse all the despicable things he did, but im finally realising that he is ill, I can move on and learn to be an emotionally healthyy person, he cant.He will spend his life running, chasing an illusion of love that he' ll never be able to keep.

That makes me sad.

I have been angry for too long,I think being angry was easier.

Excuse my rambling, my question is, will there be a time in my life when this whole experience will fade?

It all seems so big now to me, does this make sence? Will this all be a distant memory one day?

[Perfidy]

Yes. Keep detaching. Live your life focusing on your self one day at a time. It does and will get better. It will always be there. It will not be the forefront of your thoughts. Now is the perfect time for your own personal growth. You have an opportunity to get to know yourself better. When you know yourself better, you know others better too. The shortcut through pain and suffering is focusing entirely on your self.

[arn131arn]

RNM,

I am sorry you feel this way right now.  I remember a few weeks ago, you posting on here that ya'll were reconciling.  I only hope you can continue to get stronger.  I wish I could tell you more about what to do, but I cannot.  I, myself, am not as strong as I thought I was.

I believe there is a God.  I have no idea what or who he is; but I believe he looks out for each and everyone of us.  You see, there are a bunch of us on this site, that understand one another.  All of us have been through the same circumstances, the same pain.

We come here to express that pain, to give it away, to understand.  You see that's what healthy, loving people do... . we are there for our fellow man.  We help one another become better to the world about us.  Stronger human beings.  I believe God puts us in each other's lives for that purpose, RNM.  Because that is where he exists.  In that space between me and you.

Take care of yourself, RNM.  I feel your pain.  And I believe that between us, all of us going through this, we will all get through it because of that space between us all.

Arn

[Turkish]

I had often wondered if I was wrong about my armchair diagnosis of BPD, I dont wonder anymore,it makes me incredibly sad, both for me and him.

1.  I used to think he was just a jerk who couldnt control himself.

2.  all the despicable things he did

For me, the BPD "diagnosis," while helpful in understanding, is ultimately irrelevant. The behaviors and actions are what matter.

I have been angry for too long, I think being angry was easier.

Anger is often an acting out of pain (as with our pwBPDs... . mine even verbalized this once to me). It is easy, because it comes from deep within, a core wound. These wounds will, however, heal over time. You've acknowledged your anger, but now is the time to respect it.

What else are you doing now to take care of yourself ?

Excuse my rambling, my question is, will there be a time in my life when this whole experience will fade?

It all seems so big now to me, does this make sense? Will this all be a distant memory one day?

It will. Focus on the future, while being mindful of the present.

We'll be here for you, and you for us. A true, reciprocal relationship, no? 

[Tausk]

Yes, it is difficult.  The trauma bond, the PTSD, the FOO issues... . And for me, letting go was blocked as a coping mechanism from my childhood trauma, so it's that much harder.  Which is also why I got caught in the Disorder...

The only things that have really helped is to go NC, learn about BPD so I can learn about myself, dive into the FOO issues, get therapy, get support (The board and Al Anon), and don't relapse with a recycle.  

Everytime I recycled, it set me back to the point where I would have been had I never left in the first place.  And recovering from each recycle got harder and harder.  Maybe, the last one did me in, and I'll never really recover.  So maybe it will never end.  Maybe I'll always feel this way.  I know that if I'm not wiling to look inside myself with honesty, and to be disciplined about my recovery, then it won't end.



For many partners it never ends. The Disorder need participants, and many people waste their entire lives trying to win against the Disorder.  But the Disorder always wins.  And the numbers of collateral damage is vast.

So strict NC is for me.  No Facebook, info from friends, driving by her new house with her cheating husband, no googling her name, blocked on phone and email,  ... . I'm making her dead to me, except for my memories so that I can grow.  

And because I'm doing those things,  I have hope today because I have a proven path to help me.  I just have to do the work and pray for the best.

[love4meNOTu]

Ditto... my ex is dead to me.

Honestly? I'm so glad I divorced him, every day is full of promise now that man is out of my life. He kept me from being the person I wanted to be.

Now he can torture someone else... . for however long she can stand him.

I'm free!

[santa]

It can end anytime you want it to. You just have to discipline yourself. It'll take a little time, but if you stick with it, you can do it.

[RecycledNoMore]

Your thoughts really help so thank you all from my heart.

Perfidy, focusing on me is not something I am used too, I have spent most of my life fixing, helping others not realising that I was neglecting my own needs,building resentment inside and not realising why? So yes I try to focus on me now and what I want, its hard though I must admit that sometimes I feel guilty for it.Another aspect to explore in therapy.I do feel even considering the recent re engagement that I am truly moving foward in detachment.I feel a part of me breaking away, in a way it feels inevitable, it wont be stopped now,and each day I evolve to counter the forces,I no longer fight it as I have in the past.I dont fight the tears,I dont stuff the anger and I still recognise the love.

Turkish, my thoughts are often with your journey,everything is so raw for you at this time,you tenacity to protect and guide your children through this is admirable...

Actions do speak louder than words,that sentence has never been more applicable than here at ftf,thank you for reminding me that the actual diagnosis of BPD is irrelavant,his actions/ inactions and empty words, screamed "TRUTH" at me many times,but I chose not to hear it.I am ever vigilant now,I have learned to read/ hear between the lines,and this is a good thing.

For me I am taking better care of myself, walking mostly discovering the intense love I used to have for music again,it is no longer stifled or belittled but embraced.This may sound a little strange but I am dressing in color,I have tried for a long time to hide in black, not so easy for a 6 ft tall woman ,but there it is... I am speaking clearly,practicing when I can to be part of conversations instead of wishing I wasnt there.Reaching out to old friends I had lost during the rs, laughing again,being open to new things,being able to say yes instead of being filled with trepidation for doing so.

Yes Turkish, what we all have here is a truly reciprocal relationship,I could go on for hours about its true value but I know what it means to you all to and how greatful we are.

Arn, I too believe that there is a higher power, not sure who or what yet but I do have faith and I do belive that we have all been brought together to support eachother,thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture,sometimes I get wrapped up in the smaller matters,ruminating on past hurts past betrals, when I look at the bigger picture I feel positive, I feel hope bc I know Im paticipating in creating a better future, im not just a passenger in my own life.Our collective experience here has changed me," a marriage of many minds"

Tausk, it always makes me smile when I read that someone else has done what I have done, I have spent many an hour googling his name, it is a frustrating exercise in futility,Your words echoed in my head today " the disorder needs participants"

He rang today, I hung up.

He txtd and said" I thought you rang me today but it wasnt you,but I bet youve already blocked me, I wont bother you again k Rose, peace b with you"

I didnt reply, I didnt feel bad.I havent blocked him bc there is no longer any need,and also I didnt want some invisible barrier protecting me, I wanted to do it on my own." The disorder needs participants"Thank you Tausk,another weapon in my BPD vocabulary arsenal.

My dear Lyn, yes we are free,your wonderful children, my beautiful daughter have their mums back fully, beautiful self aware creatures of the world that we are... . I wish you well and am delighted to read that you have found a nice gentleman friend to talk too, you really are a lovely lady, and remember, New Zealend is full of lovely guys too!

Well aparently  I know at least one that you should steer well clear off

Santa! Bloody lawyers... .

Just jokin Santa baby, I often imagine a guy in a beautifully tailored suit and bright red santa hat and it makes me smile...

You are right it does take self discipline and time, I have of late been lacking in the self discipline dept, still hoping that maybe one day this will al have been a bad mushroom trip and Ill wake up back in the honeymoon phase with that guy I thought I knew, but no.I have faced the facts, as cruel and as disorientating they are, I have faced them.

I thank you too santa, I hope one day you can be with your daughter, that she can see the intelligent strong sometimes belligerent( ) empathetic guy that we see here.So thank you too.

Well there it is, I needed to let that all out,I feel much better and not fretting about the vast nature of all this,sorry its such a long post I wrote it all on my phone.Thanks for being a part of this with me.

Y' all ( thanks Arn) are one of the best things to come out of my very bad relationship,whod have thought aye? God does work in mysterous ways...

[love4meNOTu]

I'm here holding you up girl.

I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I have the printout in my purse, I just put it on someone else's thread but I think it may help you.

It helped me in the early days, when I was fooling myself with the memories of the good times.

Much love,

L

He won’t change.

You can’t make him better.

He doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with him.

He’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let him.

He isn’t going to move on to a new woman and suddenly be great and normal. He’ll continue to be the same miserable man he was when he was with you, no matter how much he rubs your nose in how “terrific” his life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive he is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before him; you’ll have a much happier life without him.

[Take2]

This entire posting and every response in it is perfect timing for me to read.

Thank you for posting it... . and thank you everyone for responding.

I had to post that so this will stay in my past posts so I can refer back to it.

Alot.

[RecycledNoMore]

Spot on list L! I have it all written down! Actually I thought most of those things daily but its great to know someone else thinks these things too, my favs are

He did not love me

It really was that bad

I deserve better.

[RecycledNoMore]

This entire posting and every response in it is perfect timing for me to read.

Thank you for posting it... . and thank you everyone for responding.

I had to post that so this will stay in my past posts so I can refer back to it.

Alot.

Im sending you a big hug take2, it sounds like you need one, keep posting and listening and using the tools here, isint it a good feeling to know there are people out there who have been through the same thing? You can do this, I know its hard, I know it hurts, do it for you.

[ogopogodude]

recyclednomore, ... isn't this just the best site to visit?  I am so glad I found these forums. It has gotten me thru the doubting, ... . then guilty felings, ... . the fear of the unknown ... . and so many other emotions that seemed to be self destructive.

I will always be thankful that there is bpdfamily.com .  Currently, i am going through a stage of how my ex is such a demon and I have no feelings for her except contempt. (in other words, ... . how could she have done those things to me and our kids).

But this stage will soon pass.

Then another stage will kick in.

But I will welcome the stage of not caring at all about her ... . That will be a good day.