A step forward on my birthday

[AnitaL]

Ok, so today is my birthday.  I've done pretty well at staying positive despite the lack of even a happy birthday wish from my uBPDh.  I had one lapse after I ordered pizza for dinner and he came back from picking it up (he won't let me call for delivery--he hates the idea of it for some reason and always insists on picking it up).  I thanked him for getting the pizza and he immediately started in with negative talk about how/why he hates living here, hates the cold, can't take another day of dressing/undressing the kids in their cold weather gear, etc.  So we had a small argument where I basically told him that despite his attempts to ignore my birthday, I LIKE celebrating it, and I do not want to hear or participate in any more negative complaining.  I said I just want to have a nice dinner, and I told him he could leave if he didn't want to join us.   He didn't say anything else to me directly, but pulled up a chair and chatted nicely with the kids all through dinner.

But that's not the big thing.  The big step is that I just sent an email declining a job offer in the area that my H has been demanding we move to for years.  I tried last year to make things better by offering to do what my H said he needs, and I got a good job offer.  When things started to look shaky in our relationship, I requested and received a delayed start to the position.  It's been torturing me for months that I have not been able to settle whether we were going or not, and in the past month it has become quite clear that we are not nearly stable enough to make such a move, even if the job was unbelievably good.  So I finally did it, as a gift to my sanity.  I cut off that fantasy option and I feel both queasy and relieved that it is done.  Now onto the next step in embracing reality... . finding a larger space for our family to live, close to our current place near my job and family support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

Excellent, AnitaL! I think waverider has spoken about taking steps so as not to be like a little trailer hitched to the back of a car driven erratically by a mentally ill person who is jerking the wheel to and fro. . . . And you have done it, big time.

After your husband processes this change in circumstance, and your new decisiveness, I wonder if he will begin to calm and develop more respect for you and even a greater sense of security himself. (I mean after all the bad "extinction burst stuff," of course.)

[AnitaL]

KateCat, thank you.  The extinction burst has begun... . tonight he asked if I could call the employer back and still take the job, and I said no.  He freaked out, tearing up and shaking, looking both terrified and angry.  We then had an extremely difficult conversation about why we are stuck, why he is stuck being so miserable.  He continued his tactic of blaming me and I continued to ask basically, "ok, so then what?"  I said that I have already acknowledged and apologized for any part I played in his not being able to realize his dreams, and that while faults me for everything, I "see it differently".  And I kept returning to the point that if he cannot see past his anger we will never move forward.  I told him that by his own choice he has pushed me very nearly out of his life, and that our 3 beautiful children should not bear the burden of holding our family together on their own.  We both said a lot more, and also both listened, but his defenses went back up big time, and he walked out blaming me for not understanding him and for unfairly characterizing him as a "bad" person who can't work with others.  I know he is deeply mourning the loss of this job offer as an idealized escape from his pain, so I expect this is only the beginning. 

The up side is that I do feel oddly calm and strong now, despite the intensity of our conversation.  I've been waiting and wanting for so long for us to face what was happening to us, so I'm ready.  Scared, but ready.  My greatest fear now is that he'll retreat into silent treatment again to force me to act on my own.  And that will leave me with little choice but to switch boards.  I fear this, but I am prepared to take that path.  I think he can feel that too.

[AnitaL]

ugh, and then a big step backwards.  I went back out to the living room from getting the baby back to sleep -- I thought my H had gone for a walk -- but there he was, waiting for me in full tilt.  He launched the attack and I JADE'd big time -- I could hear myself doing it, but couldn't stop.  Aaaaaaargh!  I stayed calm, at least, which led to him calling me on my "flip" attitude several times, but I definitely sank back in the muck with him as he pulled out every argument in his bag of tricks to put the blame for his misery on me. 

Ok, now I salvaged things (in my own mind) a bit, as he just stormed back in after a short walk outside and started in on me again about how my job and the move here ruined his life.  I told him I had made a mistake arguing with him, and will not continue because I'm done rehashing our past choices and mistakes.  He snapped at me that he is not coming to my birthday celebration with my parents tomorrow (which I fully expected would happen), and I told him I only wanted him there if he wanted to celebrate with me, so it was better if he didn't come if he was so angry.  He again accused me of being "flip" and I said I'd hoped when he said he would come this year that he was actually going to do it, but that as with all our other celebrations this year, I am prepared to take the kids on my own if need be.  I walked away when he began insulting me and continued to walk away as he followed me around the house, until he finally left me alone. 

I'm all keyed up and nervous and I think that's contributing to my lapse into JADE-land.  I need to take a deep breath and calm myself down.  If anyone out there has hung in there reading all this, thanks for listening.  Just writing it is so helpful.

[KateCat]

Wow, in my mind you did great. Even better than making the decision and then telling him the decision is what you just now did. You stuck with the decision.

This is probably now really strange for him. And so he is "terrified and angry." (A combo I'm pretty darn familiar with.) And now, hopefully, you can have lesser and lesser aftershocks of confrontation with him as he continues to process this. I think this is what they call "broken record" phase, where you will just repeat as calmly as possible that you have no more to say on this particular subject.

I guess something bad could still happen, but it seems to me you've truly incorporated the lessons taught here. And you barely JADED at all. Well done.

(I was just watching the men's Olympics finals in the downhill snowboard competition--you know, the one where you gather speed on the moguls, flip yourself into the air, spin three times upside down, and then try to nail a flat landing on descent. . . . That didn't look any harder than what you did today.)

[AnitaL]

Thanks again, KateCat.  I skipped over the gory details of my JADE'ing, so believe me, it happened.  But I am trying so hard to not do it again.  This morning was a near repeat of last night.  After very little sleep for both of us, he came to bed at 6am as if our conversation last night had not ended and caught me off guard.  It took me a good ten minutes to get clearheaded enough to stop arguing back.  When I stopped and took the (now awake) baby to the living room, he got up too and told me he was taking the car and that I could find another way to get to the restaurant for the birthday lunch.  (Fine with me, it's on a bus and train route.) 

After he left and I was trying to make pancakes for my daughters, I was starting to wonder if I did unfairly close a door on something that could help him, and help us.   But then it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is how he has reacted to EVERY closed door since we got married (including the fact of our getting married).  As soon as an option becomes unavailable he is absolutely certain it was the perfect solution and closing the door was the worst possible mistake.  In a few cases he is the one who closed a door (buying one car and not another, withdrawing an offer on a house), and it resulted in turning his anger inward.  Many other times it was me (usually by default, since he would not help me make the decision), so he turned his anger on me. This is another one of those times, but it was the biggest decision we've faced in a long time, the one we've been battling over for years.  Passive aggressiveness on his part, refusal to talk to me about the situation until it was too late--all this puts the blame squarely on me in his mind because he's not the one who pulled the trigger.  And of course this craziness is why we cannot move in the first place, because he is not emotionally stable.

I'm so exhausted, but damn it I am going to enjoy my birthday celebration today if it kills me  .

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks again, KateCat.  I skipped over the gory details of my JADE'ing, so believe me, it happened.  But I am trying so hard to not do it again.  This morning was a near repeat of last night.

Seeing yourself doing it as you are doing it is progress. The next step is seeing yourself about to start JADEing and stopping first... . I've run out the door saying "If I keep talking to you I'll say something that I'll regret later!"

I'm so exhausted, but damn it I am going to enjoy my birthday celebration today if it kills me  .

 Hope it was a happy birthday for you!

[zaqsert]

Happy Birthday, AnitaL!

How was your celebration?

[AnitaL]

Thanks, GreyKitty and zaqsert.  My birthday was wonderful.  My H didn't come but he behaved civilly toward me... .

... . until early this morning, when on his usual lack of sleep he started raging while the baby slept next to me and the girls in the next room.  Holy extinction burst... . wow.  I have been feeling very close to caving in when he accuses me of hiding the job acceptance deadline from him and passive aggressively closing off that option without his input.  He says it feels like I got an abortion without telling him.  He's so devastated.  So far I'm holding strong but it's hard when I actually would like to move out for this job under better circumstances.  I feel like we're trapped, too, but unlike him I don't think it's my fault.

Today I have a long day at work and it's his day with the kids.  My sister was supposed to come tonight to help out since I am teaching a night class and won't be home until after their bedtime.  He threatened me with everything he could think of to cause me pain after I said I wouldn't call to beg for the job back.  When I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave and was almost done getting the kids ready (for him to take them to school), he put on his coat and said he was leaving, so I would have to get the kids to school.  I said that's not possible, since I have to be at work, so if he left, they would not be able to go to school because I would have to take them to work with me.  I told him I was done hiding the effects of his behaviors, so I would have no problem explaining what happened to my colleagues or anyone I called upon for help.  After a few more tries with that one, he realized he would only be hurting our daughters and switched gears, this time telling me my sister was not welcome to babysit, and he called her to cancel (at 7am when she was still asleep).  I told him that was not hurting me, it was hurting himself and the kids because she was coming to help THEM.  He said my family is not welcome, and neither was I, that he would change the locks (not possible, since we are renters) and that I shouldn't bother coming home.  I kept calm, and told him that I knew he was really upset and angry, and that we have two ways to handle the situation -- we either try to work together for a solution for our family, or we give up and get a divorce.  He said don't worry, he'll be talking to a lawyer and will be serving me with papers in the next few days, at work, to maximize my embarrassment.  He still doesn't get it.  I told him that would be fine with me, because I didn't want to stay married to him if he was not interested in working together.  He said a bunch of stuff about how I'd be hurting the kids, I'd be sorry, etc.  I just kept packing up to go, told the kids again what my schedule was for the day and that I'd kiss them when I came home, and left for school.  It was scary to keep calling his bluff, and I was (and still am) shaking.  I got to work, taught a two-hour lecture class, and just spoke to my sister who called to ask what on earth was going on this time.  She offered her place if I need somewhere to go.

I'm terrified, but I know he is ill and am trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind.  I just hope he will keep the kids out of it today.  This is my first night away in months and I am worried about them.  Deep breaths... .

[guitarguy09]

Wow. So sorry to hear about everything you are going through right now. It sounds like you are making good use of the lessons on this site and truly doing your best. I'm sorry I can't offer any additional advice, so just stay strong and hopefully you can work this out or get the divorce going.

[AnitaL]

Thanks, guitarguy09.  I made it through the day.  Apparently my H caved and called my sister this evening to ask if she could still come babysit; she said no. (good for her)  It seems (according to my sister) that my D3 was sad that her auntie wasn't coming as we had planned.  I'm really annoyed he brought my sister into this, as she has been so supportive and helpful for our family, and it was wrong of him to use her as a weapon against me.

Anyway, when I came home tonight after my late evening at work, he handed me the baby who was having trouble sleeping, and he went to bed.  I had some nice cuddle time with my little babe, kissed my sleeping girls, and overall am feeling pretty good about how I handled the craziness this morning.  We'll see what tomorrow brings... .

[Grey Kitty]

Good for you holding firm. It is really tough when he uses your children as part of the fight he's creating.

I hope you have a calmer day tomorrow.

 GK

[zaqsert]

I agree, good for you.  It really is tough, and well done.