Forty-six and two

[arn131arn]

You all know my story.  You all know the agonizing pain I have been feeling since December 10th.  You have been there to here me complain, b***h, rage, and rant over how I felt about my ex.  I was told to post, post, post, and try to help, talk with a P, workout, and work on me.

I have done those things to a "T".  I have 2 jobs now, going to school, AA meetings so I can stay sober, going to the gym, eating healthy (lost 7 lbs already. Getting back to the days where I had veins in my abs  ), and reading more Buddhist books to become a more calm and spiritual.  I am staying busy.  I actually meditated for the first time today. I planned on doing it for 10 minutes, focused breathing, and let the thoughts come and go.  Well, I ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half.  But I tried and will try again tomorrow.

The past two months have been tough, I've done triatholons which I feel were the most difficult thing I have ever done physically, but detaching from my exBPD, and the way the abandonment happened, has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I have acknoledged it, did allot of inventory of myself with my AA sponser, and don't think I have much more to process about the nuts and bolts ot causes and conditions about my RS with her.  My P and I agreed that at the beginning of each session we will only talk about ex for 15 mins, each month it will go down 5 mins until we hit 5 mins.  It will permanantly stay at 5 mins bc I will permanantly be in her life bc of our son (8).

A guy I bartend with asked me last night, ":)ude, that's the 5th or 6th gitrl that has shown interest in you since you broke up with Sybil, why don't you just go get it and just forget about her?"

The truth is, I know I could, ya'll.  I know I could pick up a girl, start a RS, and be right where I am now in 6 months, a year, or God forbid, another 14 years... . It's hard to explain to people that don't understand the dynamics of BPD, they are younger than me, look up to me, and I know they just want to see me back in the saddle; but I think I will stay where I'm at.  My P asked me a very important question yesterday during our session, "Who is Arn without HER?"

It hit me like a ton of bricks ya'll.  I forgot just who I was without her.  I forgot how much of a good guy I am, how I am not that angry when I'm not with her, how much I care for people, and how much of a future I have without her. You see, bc I believe all the things she said about me,... . not anymore.  The days of being with my son will come, to hell with relationships right now, is it a race between couples to see who can get one first?  Maybe.  Ego? Probably.  I am enjoying being alone. I forgot who I was and it is exciting to find out who Arn is.  I am growing, like my favorite TOOL song, "46 and 2", Maynard talks about humans having forty-six chromosomes and add 2 and they evolve. 

Through that pain of 2 months during the holidays she ruined, I was able to grow, through that pain, I am able to be stronger, through that pain I am able to detach. I'm not saying I am fully detached; but I am well on my way, and I thank each of you who have picked me up when I was unable to do so myself.  To each of you who sent me PMs just to ask how I was... . I thank you.

I love not having to tell anyone where I am going or what I am doing and with who.

Freedom

"Forty-six and two just ahead of me... . "

[Moonie75]

Good for you Arn,

Really pleased to read such a positive post. You keep going my friend.

Moonie.

[arn131arn]

Good for you Arn,

Really pleased to read such a positive post. You keep going my friend.

Moonie.

I appreciate it, Moonie, I started on this board when you were just coming back.  I know the pain you are going through right now, I've been there, as well.

It's not going to be linear, we will regress, take a few steps back, but nothing in the world takes the place of persistence.

Be persistent in YOU.  On changing, Moonie, Perfidy has been swearing by this the last few weeks, and he's right.

It's all about me right now, and damn that feeling or just that thought process feels so damn good!

Be easy on Moonie today

[myself]

I forgot just who I was without her.

I forgot who I was and it is exciting to find out who Arn is.

I am well on my way

All that time we spend losing ourselves, but when we look we're right here.

See how fast these changes happen?

Great post, keep being positive!

[Rojo]

Hello. Reading these stories helps me understand I was not alone. I too have no access to my son Arn. It is the hardest thing of the whole situation. Also I forgot that I had a lot of friends, and good times with my family

all of those were lost with her. Above all I miss being happy. I was drained, the common denominator is/was them. We participated but were unable to avoid the crazy presented to us. Im glad I found stories that I can relate to, I thought I had lost my mind/myself... .

[still_smiling_just]

Love Tool!

Hope i can get to where you are someday Arn.

A.

[arn131arn]

I don't think it's a stage that we get to. Hell, i lost all hope just last week when he depression hit me hard about not seeing my son on his birthday. I do however believe that it's a VERY honest look within ourselves, and interpreting that honesty, an inward reflection that can get us to a conscious state of reasonableness. Being okay, reasonably happy, to have hope, and determination. Without them... .

[Pearl55]

Arn131

You are a real gentleman. I do really hope you will find a very nice, loving and caring woman one day because you really deserve it!

[arn131arn]

Thank you Pearl. That means allot. That will have to wait. I made a committment with my P to not get into a RS for a year. But something tells me that once we grow, get stronger and become emotionally healthy, the cluster Bs will no longer be attracted to us? Anyone have experience with this? If they know they cannot "hook" a healthy person, then I believe they will try to find a weaker source.

[mgl210]

Am

I can understand why you would be so hesistant to get involved with someone else. Before my my BPDxgf, I didn't have a gf for five years. But then I think about why and I think why I would be hesistant to get involved with someone else. Our trust has been destroyed, and our hearts have been shattered. No one can tell us when our hearts are ready to love again, much less let anyone inside for that matter. You gotta do what is best for you and only you. I mean, unless you have kids and what not, then you gotta think of what is best for all of you. However, I don't feel that there is anything wrong with taking your time in getting back into the dating scene. You are lucky though, I don't have a plethora of fems beating down my door to try and get a date with me. I do find myself sometime drinking a bit to calm my nerves. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. I usually only smoke when I am anxious and that is exactly what I am feeling. Do what makes you feel comfortable first and foremost in your own shell and then let the other stuff come as it may.

Best wishes to you AM

MGL

[arn131arn]

Hello. Reading these stories helps me understand I was not alone. I too have no access to my son Arn. It is the hardest thing of the whole situation. Also I forgot that I had a lot of friends, and good times with my family

all of those were lost with her. Above all I miss being happy. I was drained, the common denominator is/was them. We participated but were unable to avoid the crazy presented to us. Im glad I found stories that I can relate to, I thought I had lost my mind/myself... .

I know how you feel. The alienation is completely terrible. It gets to me sometimes.  Sometimes a little too much.  I am not going to surrender my son to anyone. He is my son and I love him more than life itself.  But I am determined, and will never be satisfied until I have an opportunity to have a chance to father him.

My BPD has NPD traits as well.  She is cold, calculating, and vindictive.  But here's the deal. That is how "they" are, that is not how we have to be.  Our children, when old enough, will realize this.  They will understand what house crazy is at.  Then when old enough will make their own decisions on where they want to live.

My guess, not momma's house.  Oh wait, after moving out in Sept '13 she still lives with family members... . no place of her own

[Surnia]

Arn, the guy how loves numbers. 

I am enjoying being alone. I forgot who I was and it is exciting to find out who Arn is.

Your T asked a very good question and you let it in.

Keep going like this.

Triathlon? Wow.

[Perfidy]

Chin up brother. Is always bros before ho's. together we can win. We"ll beat this. I'm a good person and I'm a winner.

[Perfidy]

Value your self more than you value any thing or any body else. Place all of you value on your self. No one else will.

[Perfidy]

BTW... . A perfect circle and tool are some of my faves. Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums, speaks directly to my caretaker.

[letmeout]

once we grow, get stronger and become emotionally healthy, the cluster Bs will no longer be attracted to us?

I hope you are right! The first year after my divorce I was dating, but I only kept attracting cluster Bs! My T said to stop dating so I did.

Now that I am very comfortable and happy not dating, I wonder if I will ever want to again. I treat it as a luxury that I only have to worry about myself now. I treat it as a blessing that I am not being lied to and raged at anymore. Life is good at last.

[Perfidy]

Reverse the equation. You will be closer to what truth really is. It's your choice. Not theirs. Focus on you. Love you first. I do.

[laelle]

You all know my story.  You all know the agonizing pain I have been feeling since December 10th.  You have been there to here me complain, b***h, rage, and rant over how I felt about my ex.  I was told to post, post, post, and try to help, talk with a P, workout, and work on me.

I have done those things to a "T".  I have 2 jobs now, going to school, AA meetings so I can stay sober, going to the gym, eating healthy (lost 7 lbs already. Getting back to the days where I had veins in my abs  ), and reading more Buddhist books to become a more calm and spiritual.  I am staying busy.  I actually meditated for the first time today. I planned on doing it for 10 minutes, focused breathing, and let the thoughts come and go.  Well, I ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half.  But I tried and will try again tomorrow.

The past two months have been tough, I've done triatholons which I feel were the most difficult thing I have ever done physically, but detaching from my exBPD, and the way the abandonment happened, has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I have acknoledged it, did allot of inventory of myself with my AA sponser, and don't think I have much more to process about the nuts and bolts ot causes and conditions about my RS with her.  My P and I agreed that at the beginning of each session we will only talk about ex for 15 mins, each month it will go down 5 mins until we hit 5 mins.  It will permanantly stay at 5 mins bc I will permanantly be in her life bc of our son (8).

A guy I bartend with asked me last night, ":)ude, that's the 5th or 6th gitrl that has shown interest in you since you broke up with Sybil, why don't you just go get it and just forget about her?"

The truth is, I know I could, ya'll.  I know I could pick up a girl, start a RS, and be right where I am now in 6 months, a year, or God forbid, another 14 years... . It's hard to explain to people that don't understand the dynamics of BPD, they are younger than me, look up to me, and I know they just want to see me back in the saddle; but I think I will stay where I'm at.  My P asked me a very important question yesterday during our session, "Who is Arn without HER?"

It hit me like a ton of bricks ya'll.  I forgot just who I was without her.  I forgot how much of a good guy I am, how I am not that angry when I'm not with her, how much I care for people, and how much of a future I have without her. You see, bc I believe all the things she said about me,... . not anymore.  The days of being with my son will come, to hell with relationships right now, is it a race between couples to see who can get one first?  Maybe.  Ego? Probably.  I am enjoying being alone. I forgot who I was and it is exciting to find out who Arn is.  I am growing, like my favorite TOOL song, "46 and 2", Maynard talks about humans having forty-six chromosomes and add 2 and they evolve. 

Through that pain of 2 months during the holidays she ruined, I was able to grow, through that pain, I am able to be stronger, through that pain I am able to detach. I'm not saying I am fully detached; but I am well on my way, and I thank each of you who have picked me up when I was unable to do so myself.  To each of you who sent me PMs just to ask how I was... . I thank you.

I love not having to tell anyone where I am going or what I am doing and with who.

Freedom

"Forty-six and two just ahead of me... . "

Just popped in to say...    !  You got it!  Wish you all the best Arn.