So thankful for one small amazing moment

[DreamFlyer99]

Today something happened that was so out of character for my uBPDh that i simply must share it!

The background would be: my h has a habit of leaving his tools or parts he bought sitting anywhere in the house, so when anyone cleans and thinks "hmm--why is that bag of screws sitting on the end table?" and moves it, he has a fit. Or like our unfinished living room (going on eight years i think?) still has all the tools he was using to work on it all those years ago. We had the gaul to move them one time into one section of the room so that we could still utilize the other parts. He has had fits regularly because we have "stirred" all his tools and "shoved them" into a pile, etc etc. By trying to use our own space in the past eight years. It's crazimaking.

Today he was looking for a bracket for the soundbar for our television. i poked around a bit and suggested places for him to look. Then he said--WAIT FOR IT--

"Well I guess i can't blame anyone else for losing something i bought and never installed."

WHAT? Nothing has stopped you beFORE... .

So i murmured some small unintelligible response instead of what i felt in my heart, which was to jump up and down yelling "YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY! YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY!"

I've been on my step by step journey to living out my boundaries and validating his feelings and not engaging in his "arguments" (read: "soul searing verbal vomit"

YAY!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AnitaL]

Yay, indeed!  I'm all for celebrating the small victories.

Here's hoping it won't be the last time.

[DreamFlyer99]

Thank you AnitaL! I needed somebody to be excited with me!

[guitarguy09]

That's great! Sometimes even a small step towards responsibility can be huge! 

[Greenmeadow]

That's so wonderful    Small victories are definitely worth celebrating!

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks all--

it helps me to have that to remember when days like yesterday and today come and he's a total turd to me!

I do own some of the responsibility for today, as i did the ever so unfruitful act of

E N G A G I N G. Bleh. i'm afraid my pissed off self took over rather than my "wise mind" in this case. When that happens i feel like a 5 year old when some kid at school is taunting them and the fight ends like "GOOD!" "Well, GOOD!" So helpful in the cross country sport of marriage. i sometimes forget the long view and just see the short sprint one where it's more like, "MOM! HE'S BEING MEAN TO ME!"

So, live and learn, right?

[Lilibeth]

Wonderful DreamFlyer99 - want to share in your happiness... . today is one of those days when it seems like your post was just what i needed.

[DreamFlyer99]

Lilibeth, I'm glad. We're all in this together, learning and trying and failing sometimes but continuing Onward and Upward!

My h says my problem is that whenever he wants to "talk about stuff" (read: "badger me into thinking exactly his way in spite of my own knowledge" that I just run away and hide so I don't have to talk about it.

guess he's catching on!

[Moselle]

Congratulations. It must mean a lot to be able to share your successes with this community. I'm new here so I'm only beginning to realise how incredible this website is. You clearly love your husband dearly.

[Lilibeth]

Yes, Moselle, as DreamFlyer99 said, 'we're all in this together' - i'm relatively new here, but i cannot tell you what a difference being a part of this understanding, caring family has made to me... . it isn't easy, and every day there is some struggle or the other, but sharing here helps put things in perspective, we learn how to ride it out... .

[Greenmeadow]

Yes, Moselle, as DreamFlyer99 said, 'we're all in this together' - i'm relatively new here, but i cannot tell you what a difference being a part of this understanding, caring family has made to me... . it isn't easy, and every day there is some struggle or the other, but sharing here helps put things in perspective, we learn how to ride it out... .

I absolutley second this. There is nothing lke having somewhere, where you can just be, don't have to explain the why and feel supported and not alone. I truly am so glad I found this "family"

[DreamFlyer99]

Moselle, i do love him. We've been together for thirty seven years and have four grown kids and six grandchildren, so we share a lot of history.

i'm still practicing the skills here, sometimes not too successfully, but last night and today i worked really hard on being mindful and not engaging. If i'm mindful then i'm aware when what he says it to bait me into an argument and i can avoid that whole mess. i tend to fall into the thinking that "oh! He really wants to know how i feel" when he doesn't, he just wants another shot at me. It's unfortunate that means we end up on a very surface level conversation wise most of the time, but he isn't able to recognize what he's doing i guess. Or he simply feels justified in treating me like less than one of the crewmembers he manages. i don't really know what's in his head. He does a great deal of projecting, and that actually gives me the biggest peek i have into what he's thinking!

And like all of you have said, it's so great to have a place where you know people will believe you when you tell these stories! sometimes i question my own sanity when i tell someone an isolated incident that i find pretty disturbing and they just laugh it off. In this community we're all familiar with the larger tapestry of this disorder and know that little about it is laughable in real life, especially when the BPD loved one isn't interested in changing any part of how they treat you.

[Moselle]

Ah you're a saint.

I'm really questioning the love I have for my uBPDw. I did (or think I did) during the initial phase when she fulfilled my co-dep desire for approval. She tough I was the best thing ever and I felt validated and loved. She turned to the clingy phase. (I had to laugh about a post I saw this week about the BPDh requiring the wife to say I love you at the end of each phone call. I had the same bizarre conversation with my BPDw about 4 years ago). Then the hating started, and has gotten worse and worse.

If I'm honest I loved the approval which I desperately needed, and I was extremely physically attracted to her, but that has never turned into the caring, kind, gentle, reciprocating love which I am seeking. My problem with acceptance is that I don't want to accept this loss, or that I may never be that with her.

[an0ught]

Today he was looking for a bracket for the soundbar for our television. i poked around a bit and suggested places for him to look. Then he said--WAIT FOR IT--

"Well I guess i can't blame anyone else for losing something i bought and never installed."

WHAT? Nothing has stopped you beFORE... .

So i murmured some small unintelligible response instead of what i felt in my heart, which was to jump up and down yelling "YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY! YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY!"

I've been on my step by step journey to living out my boundaries and validating his feelings and not engaging in his "arguments" (read: "soul searing verbal vomit"

YAY!

We can't force them to take responsibility. It is a choice. We only can take responsibility for what we have done and be a role model. We only can stop taking responsibility and rescuing our SO from their stuff and provide them with opportunities.

It is a big day when they take it 

[DreamFlyer99]

An0ught,

That's my struggle, to be aware enough in all moments to catch when i want to rescue him. i told his sister the other day, "he doesn't want help, he wants enabling."

Unfortunately it did turn out to be but a fleeting moment before the storm hit. it's almost as if it scares him to change his behaviors at home.

Moselle,

i am SO not a saint, i'm just late to the party! Meaning i only figured out what i was dealing with in the past couple of years... .

I have those same thoughts you do about never having that reciprocal kind of relationship, and it's painful. Each time he has dysregulated lately i've had a really really hard time trying to just work my tools, and i lose my self-care and my fibromyalgia gets affected. It's a battle all right... .

[Lilibeth]

It is a battle - a never-ending, constant battle... . but once we've decided to stay on in the relationship for the many things that do matter, then the battling is really painful at times (at times we cope) -  You're right, DreamFlyer99 - the thought of how this actually occupies more space in our minds and heads and how it bashes the heart is something that does get us down - very down - periodically. Also, while we try and work towards being mindful and aware, there are times when we are not - or cannot be - then there is this coping to be done too. There is also the fact that we have to care for ourselves first. I have to keep telling myself that his reality is different, and i have to take responsibility for myself -  I feel stronger about dealing with all this because i know i can come here for strength, solace and, most of all, understanding... . there really is very little to laugh about when living with a BPD - and sometimes it can even be a sinking feeling - but we have our little successes, and we have people here to share them with... . that is what gives us the high - the boost. Sometimes my antennae pick up his dysregulated vibes early in the morning, and then it is such a struggle to stay on an even keel. I have copied down a lot of the things i've learnt here to use as a ready reference, especially when i'm not at the comp.

[Lilibeth]

Moselle, you have to give more in this kind of relationship... . If there are things that are strong enough to keep you in the relationship, then keeping it going will have to be your responsibility. As an0ught said, it's a big day when they do get back to us the way we would like them to, but that is rare... . a fleeting moment, as DreamFlyer99 put it. For me, i had no idea what i was up against till i came here and was able to find the lines that made the picture... . i had hit rock bottom - or something even lower than that - and after i came on to this website, i realized that i was still in this relationship because leaving was not really an option... . i would have to live with myself... . knowing what to do, what to look for and how to cope is making my life better - making me pull out and examine issues, and not be afraid of putting them here for help... . and now i actually wake up knowing that i want to... .

[Moselle]

Thanks Lillibeth. Your reality is helping me understand mine.

[Lilibeth]

It isn't easy, this path we have chosen - it isn't even easy trying to define our reality... . but you-we-all of us are together in this, as DreamFlyer99 told me - in our failing and in our small victories... . and the senior members are always there to give us a helping hand up.