Valentine

[an0ught]

It is this time of the year again.   everywhere. My wife bought on Friday some flowers and told me: You never buy some. I wonder whether this was a "hint" or just a general observation that I don't buy enough flowers  . I hate feeling guilty and manipulated so I'm tempted to refrain from buying flowers. But then I was thinking of buying flowers before her remarks.

Decisions, decisions. I know my problems are in the scheme of this board minor and I'm grateful.

How is your preparation coming along?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw just the other day said that she doesn't want me to buy anything for Valentine's Day. She said we don't need to spend the money, and we need to save the money for bills that we already have. Well, she has said that same thing for the last couple of years, at least. Nevertheless, when I have bought a CD or flowers and a card for her, she says thanks and never complains. So, I am going to buy some flowers this year. I know she doesn't want a CD, because it interferes with her time to study, thus only to collect dust instead of being played.

I think our BPDs are playing a mind game in order to find out how much we love them. Ironically, my BPDw will buy something for me for Valentine's Day. I guess she is hoping I take her advice and not get anything so that she looks like the loving life and that I am the insensitive SO. Well, this mind game doesn't work with me.

[SweetCharlotte]

Flowers: a useless and expensive luxury, although it feels good to receive them.

If you are not in debt as a couple, I would definitely invest in SOMETHING of this nature for Valentine's Day. If she ruined the flowers idea for you, then candy and/or a book. I would not get her a CD or DVD because media gifts are not "romantic." A small jewelry item (what I call a "bauble" can be nice if you have the extra cash.

In my uBPDh's case, I've told him no flowers and I mean it. He often runs out of money and I wind up sending him some of my salary (we are L/D and I support my children as well as pay my mortgage, whereas he pays his rent and HUGE credit card back-up/educational loans/tax debts). So, in essence, I would be sending myself a bouquet of roses. I'm sure he will bring me a card and some small gift and I will give him a certificate for a pair of shoes and our Valentine's Day will be happy.

[elemental]

no one has said anything about valentines in my situtaion.

if you were planning on buying flowers, then buy them. she clearly was feeling unappreciated and was afraid enough about not getting something like flowers so she bought them herself.

I would just ignore the instigating action and comment, skip over passive agression as a punishment to her and buy flowers for her.

you already know this... .

[Greenmeadow]

It is this time of the year again.   everywhere. My wife bought on Friday some flowers and told me: You never buy some. I wonder whether this was a "hint" or just a general observation that I don't buy enough flowers  . I hate feeling guilty and manipulated so I'm tempted to refrain from buying flowers. But then I was thinking of buying flowers before her remarks.

Decisions, decisions. I know my problems are in the scheme of this board minor and I'm grateful.

How is your preparation coming along?

My valentines situation is that we've agreed, no cards or presents. A waste of money and time and a day exploited by the cards and gift companies to guilt us into parting with our hard earned money (read between the lines as I'm a minimalist). I think it's far better to suprise someone with a gift or card, when it isn't Christmas, Valentines day, their birthday or any other celebratory day. It means so much more giving something just to say "On this non-specific day I've been thinking of you"

But saying all this I am so sorry you're having to make this decision. Maybe get her something with flowers on it instead?

[byfaith]

my wife texted me on 2/4 and said I don't want to celebrate valentine's day. My wife has this thing with not wanting to be "mushy". A year ago everything was great in the area of affection and all the mushy stuff. A switch flipped in her mind last April. Our situation is strange (whose isn't?) because of a rash decision, she is living 400 miles away. She admits she made a mistake (she didn't leave me for someone) She did tell me the other day when I went to visit her that she loves me and she wants to come back home. While she has been gone the cat got up on the piano and knocked over a figurine of a girl playing the piano, which meant a lot to her, I am going to piece it all back together and give that to her for valentines day. I guess that could be symbolic (putting the broken pieces back together). Some days it's tough when you want those romantic feelings back between you both and you wonder if they will ever come back. I know I have them but I can't force them on her.

[SweetCharlotte]

Perfume/fragrance can be a good choice but get a gift receipt in case it is not to her liking.

[an0ught]

Perfume/fragrance can be a good choice but get a gift receipt in case it is not to her liking.

I suspect we all could make serious money on advising on how to return gifts  .

And often the rejection has nothing to do with us nor the gift. Sometimes the very fact of receiving a gift when someone feels unworthy can be invalidating.

[Greenmeadow]

It is this time of the year again.   everywhere. My wife bought on Friday some flowers and told me: You never buy some. I wonder whether this was a "hint" or just a general observation that I don't buy enough flowers  . I hate feeling guilty and manipulated so I'm tempted to refrain from buying flowers. But then I was thinking of buying flowers before her remarks.

Decisions, decisions. I know my problems are in the scheme of this board minor and I'm grateful.

How is your preparation coming along?

Hi an0ught,

I was just curious how your valentines day went in the end? I hope it was ok 

[an0ught]

Thanks for asking Greenmeadow  ,

although this thread was never really about me 

For a few years there was nothing. But then the last few times sometimes I got her flowers. I was planning this year getting some flowers but my work schedule this week was so crazy unpredictable that I did not manage. She is quite fuzzy so I did not want to go for just anything. I got one snarky remark but I survived. We spent a peaceful evening cuddling. Valentine was never big for her. I know I have to get her some flowers the next weeks. Positive surprises are much better than this orchestrated stuff imho...

[Love Is Not Enough]

I know I have to get her some flowers the next weeks. Positive surprises are much better than this orchestrated stuff imho...

I agree and I am doing the same. Mine went well because the delivery from her (anonymous) had items on the card by which I could identify her. Last year she sent one with a very generic message and tried to pretend she didn't send it to trap me. Because, of course, she thinks I am cheating on her. It was a very stressful day, but this year it was much better