Was this ever real?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Mornings are hard for me. Especially Sunday mornings. I guess that's the time when I would get as normal as she could give. So I have this strong desire to call her today. I know how it would go. I would hang up feeling hurt and angry and be set back yet again.

I've tried to figure things out. I know, that can't be done and it's best to move on but who the f*** can do that? I sure can't.

There was a guy she would see just for one nighters between relationships. We split for a few days while dating and she hooked with him. It killed me and that was the only time I dumped her. God I wish I had left it that way. I didn't obviously. I took her back a month later and maried her a month after that in a rushed wedding in my parents home. My stepdad is a pastor so it was a covert wedding so no one could talk her out of it. she has an ex. the father of her child that is very involved in her life as well as her parents and they were not fans of this relationship, nor were mine. Hers were not because she there would be crazy drama where she would go over the top and do things like call the cops over nothing and then pant me as the bad guy. Mine were not fans because of said drama and her alcohol and drug problems. This was before I knew she was BPD.

Anyway, I have access to her phone recs and was studying them last night to put together patterns and timelines. I know. I'm now the crazy, obsessed one but I want to know what the heck just happened to me and if it was real. Looks like she would have her one nighters with him about every couple of months. She told me about him when we first met. That he was a sex thing They would eat molly (a drug I'd nrver heard of until then) and have sex all night. Supposedly it was a thing of the past.

As best I could piece together she would sometimes pick a fight with me and see him. Our sex was okay but to be honest I have to admit that I was never super sexually drawn to her. She's hot by all accounts but I was never just dying to rip her clothes off and ravage her. I'm an emotional and she kept my head so effed up that it lessened the sexsual draw for me. Plus I'm not into the whole palyboy, bleached blond, in your face sexy and that's what she is. I can count on one hand the time she gave me oral and she has described dong that with him and much more. To be fair, I asked her what went down with him. I wanted to know. It's like that's her place to go have porn star sex every month or two.

So was it ever real? she would run right back to me and profess her undying love. I would not even know what had went on. The time I did catch her and dumped her she called me over doing just that the next day after seeing him. I was unaware at the time. This is a dark side like I've never seen.

[buddy1226]

Mornings are hard for me. Especially Sunday mornings. I guess that's the time when I would get as normal as she could give. So I have this strong desire to call her today. I know how it would go. I would hang up feeling hurt and angry and be set back yet again.

I've tried to figure things out. I know, that can't be done and it's best to move on but who the f*** can do that? I sure can't.

There was a guy she would see just for one nighters between relationships. We split for a few days while dating and she hooked with him. It killed me and that was the only time I dumped her. God I wish I had left it that way. I didn't obviously. I took her back a month later and maried her a month after that in a rushed wedding in my parents home. My stepdad is a pastor so it was a covert wedding so no one could talk her out of it. she has an ex. the father of her child that is very involved in her life as well as her parents and they were not fans of this relationship, nor were mine. Hers were not because she there would be crazy drama where she would go over the top and do things like call the cops over nothing and then pant me as the bad guy. Mine were not fans because of said drama and her alcohol and drug problems. This was before I knew she was BPD.

Anyway, I have access to her phone recs and was studying them last night to put together patterns and timelines. I know. I'm now the crazy, obsessed one but I want to know what the heck just happened to me and if it was real. Looks like she would have her one nighters with him about every couple of months. She told me about him when we first met. That he was a sex thing They would eat molly (a drug I'd nrver heard of until then) and have sex all night. Supposedly it was a thing of the past.

As best I could piece together she would sometimes pick a fight with me and see him. Our sex was okay but to be honest I have to admit that I was never super sexually drawn to her. She's hot by all accounts but I was never just dying to rip her clothes off and ravage her. I'm an emotional and she kept my head so effed up that it lessened the sexsual draw for me. Plus I'm not into the whole palyboy, bleached blond, in your face sexy and that's what she is. I can count on one hand the time she gave me oral and she has described dong that with him and much more. To be fair, I asked her what went down with him. I wanted to know. It's like that's her place to go have porn star sex every month or two.

So was it ever real? she would run right back to me and profess her undying love. I would not even know what had went on. The time I did catch her and dumped her she called me over doing just that the next day after seeing him. I was unaware at the time. This is a dark side like I've never seen.

[winston72]

Hey Buddy... . sorry that you are having to deal with the emotional fallout of this relationship. Sexual infidelity is about as scorching as any kind of pain we experience.

Sometimes moving on is best accomplished by knowing what actually happened and dealing with it.  For me, I had to know the "facts" before I could fully face them.  It wasn't necessary for me to know all the details, but I needed a basic outline of events in order for my emotions to align with reality.  When there is a lot of deception, sometimes it is helpful to untangle the lies.  I was not able to just forget about it all.  I think that can even be a form of denial and wishful thinking in its own way.  It does not mean you are "crazy obsessed" because you want to learn what she was doing.  And that pain can linger for a long time.  I have found that the best way through it is to look at it fully, feel the pain and allow it to shape your thought and emotions as you go forward.

Was it real?  Of course it was real... . all too real!  Was it real loyalty?  Real faithfulness?  Real honesty?  Real maturity?  Nope.  You are not going to find answers by determining the nature of her feelings and then interpreting her behavior.  You are better off looking at her behavior and then drawing some conclusions about how that behavior best fits into your life.  She lied a lot.  She cheated a lot.  Casual sex with someone else while she was with you was part of how she related to you.  That was real.  It was not the only thing between you two, not at all, but can you live with that? 

It is Sunday morning and you miss her.  That makes sense and is natural.  And she has a dark side that can, did and will hurt you.  You know this to be true also.  So, there you have it... . the fullness of who she is within your relationship.  This is real.  It is not either/or, it is both from her.   

[Waifed]

Buddy

It was all real. Its just that your perception of reality is different than hers.

Don't beat yourself up for trying to process things. It is all part of the process of trying to figure out a crazy person and their motives.  I did it over and over and never got resolution nor did I figure it out.  Luckily, 5 months later I no longer feel the need to figure out all the messed up stuff she did and why she did it.  It just doesn't matter anymore.  I still miss things about her at times but the bad clearly outweighs the good nowadays in my head.  You will get there too.  One day at a time my friend.  There are just to many good people out there for us to be wasting it with someone who doesn't appreciate, respect and love us the way normal people do.

[Ceide]

Hey Buddy -

I have asked myself the same thing probably 100 times over.  How could he have treated me like that if he truly loved me, right?  How could he have walked away, completely unscathed, whistling a happy tune, like I meant nothing to him?  This question haunted me for probably a year, held back my healing.

Then I learned about BPD.  From what I've learned, I think the answer is, yes, they loved us as much as they can possibly love anyone, which is really, really limited.  They certainly didn't love us like we loved them.

I also question whether he ever truly knew me.  I don't think he did.

Somehow knowing my ex has a PD made this harder and easier on me at the same time.  Harder, because it added to my grief (briefly).  Easier, because thank God there was finally an explanation!  And I'm not the only one going through this.  Easier also because I focus on how he has a disorder and 1) I can't change it, 2) it really had nothing to do with me, and 3) I've stopped asking why?, stopped wondering if it could work at some point in the future, etc.  In short, it's helped me detach more.

You are strong, Buddy.  You are processing everything, and you will detach.  Mornings are going to get easier.  Everything is going to get easier.   

[seeking balance]

Anyway, I have access to her phone recs and was studying them last night to put together patterns and timelines. I know. I'm now the crazy, obsessed one but I want to know what the heck just happened to me and if it was real. Looks like she would have her one nighters with him about every couple of months. She told me about him when we first met. That he was a sex thing They would eat molly (a drug I'd nrver heard of until then) and have sex all night. Supposedly it was a thing of the past.

ugh!  I remember being that obsessed person who broke down and looked at phone records only to realize so much of those last 9 months were utterly a lie.  I know how much that hurts and how dazed you feel - I am sorry.  With time, you will not feel like you do now - but in it, it is really hard.

So was it ever real? she would run right back to me and profess her undying love. I would not even know what had went on. The time I did catch her and dumped her she called me over doing just that the next day after seeing him. I was unaware at the time. This is a dark side like I've never seen.

Your part was real - you just were not able to make choices with full information.  I remember wishing I would have left the first time because going back under a false reality about destroyed me... . honestly.

This much is true even though it is hard to believe right now for you - BPD is a very serious mental illness.  pwBPD are way better in the world of illusion than we are - it is their life, not ours.  It is their normal, not ours.  So when we realize we were in a world we did not know we were in, it truly is shattering of our very existence.

My advice (based on being where you are and working through it), put the phone records away and start training your mind now to not go there - it really is crazy-making.

I printed article 9 -https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Any time I was starting to get caught in that mind-mess of "what the heck", I could literally read through the 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck and every time it was a False Belief that had me.  Learning the facts helped me depersonalize enough so I could properly grieve.

Hang in there - you are not alone here.

Peace,

SB

[Perfidy]

Was it real? Yes. Did I perceive reality? No. I perceived a projected illusion sustained by my own need for misguided love. Takes a while to figure out which end is up. I reached a paradox. It was reality, it wasn't real. This creates discomfort. The discomfort abates when feeling is aligned in reality. Thought can always be fantasy. Feelings follow thought. Behavior is acting on feeling.