Need advice desperately

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My ex... . contacted me not this past week to wish me a belated happy chinese new year and just last night wished me a happy early bday... . What is going on?

<MGL

[mgl210]

My ex... . contacted me not this past week to wish me a belated happy chinese new year and just last night wished me a happy early bday... . What is going on?

<MGL

[fromheeltoheal]

She's trying to retain some kind of attachment with you even though you broke up.  If that's not OK with you, it's up to you to ask her to stop, ignore them, or block them.

[Ceide]

This is just another side of their illness in action.

The mixed messages are enough to make us crazy, if we let it.

She's trying to retain some kind of attachment with you even though you broke up.  If that's not OK with you, it's up to you to ask her to stop, ignore them, or block them.

Give yourself some time to process.  If you decide contact from  her is not okay with you, then, like heeltoheal said, you can take action to take care of yourself. 

Good luck!

[mgl210]

I guess its the whole push/pull thing that I've been reading about endlessly on here. It sux, I feel as if my heart is going to explode because of it. I would not even wish this on my own worst enemy.  Thanks for the input peeps... .

MGL

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess its the whole push/pull thing that I've been reading about endlessly on here. It sux, I feel as if my heart is going to explode because of it. I would not even wish this on my own worst enemy.  Thanks for the input peeps... .

Yeah, you got it right.  BPD is an attachment disorder, the core of which is a fear of abandonment, by someone who doesn't have a fully formed self, so they MUST attach to someone else to feel whole, in a very unhealthy fusing of the psyches way, not a partnership between two autonomous individuals.  So those two things, the fear of abandonment and the lack of self sets up the push/pull: get too close and they lose themselves, get too far away and they feel abandoned, the only contentment happening when they can successfully straddle the fence between the two, short lived.

Anyway, the fear of abandonment is at the core, so a borderline hates to lose any attachment, and even when you're broken up, she has a drive to retain some kind of connection with you.  Plus, on some level she realizes that it works better for her with a somewhat detached attachment because she isn't triggered.  Always playing that line.

I'm sorry it had the effect on you it did, I can relate, but it will be up to you to do something about it; borderlines don't think like us, and it's best to stop the crazy so you can heal before you consider any communication with her.  Take care of you!

[mgl210]

Fromheel,

Thanks for the support. Thanks for the advice. i just wrote her an email. I kinda gave her an ultimatum. Below is what I wrote to her... I already sent it, but please give me some insight into what you think I wrote. I know it will probably fall on deaf ears, but I had to do it... .

Hello... .

As I get these texts from you. It becomes apparent to me that you are conflicted of what you want. Otherwise, you would be more than happy to call me. Instead, you don't. I understand your lack of apprehension on your end, while I don't know exactly what I did to warrant it.  I have done nothing, but endlessley proven to you time and time again that I would never leave you. Despite, all the stuff that you have done to hurt me endlessly, I am still here. For example, the whole having me take a fall when you were worried about your parents kicking you out of the house, because of your self harm issue. I know that you have offered to talk to them about it, but why should you need to wait for me to give you the approval?You are an adult who is more than capable of making your own decisions.

I thought once I told my mom about you and I that our only main concern would be about moving out to get an apartment together. I feel as if you have proven me wrong. You always say that you worry about me leaving you or us, and abandoning you. Instead, who is the one that walked away from me? I never said I didn't love you or that I stopped loving you or wanting to be with you.

I told you I was sorry about losing the ring and necklace that you gave me. I let you know from the beginning that I was horrible at that stuff and that was one of the biggest reasons why I never wanted jewelry was because I knew I would more and likely lose it. Yet, you still insisted on getting it and I didn't want it to come off as I didn't want anything from you. I love you more than words can say and that I would do anything for you.

So, currently as of this e-mail. We are at a stand still. You've texted me twice and I've responded by asking you to reach out to me twice. I ask you to strongly think about what it is that you want for us, and for yourself. I also ask you to think long and hard about it, and look at the facts of the matter, the fact that I have never once ever gave you  a reason to think I was leaving, and if I have done anything. I've shown how I want to be with you and how I have no intention of ever leaving you. If you want to talk about this issue,we can do it either over meeting over lunch or dinner, and have a discussion regarding it.

Hope to hear from you soon,

[fromheeltoheal]

but endlessley proven to you time and time again that I would never leave you. Despite, all the stuff that you have done to hurt me endlessly, I am still here.

I've shown how I want to be with you and how I have no intention of ever leaving you.

With fear of abandonment at the core of the disorder, a borderline is convinced you will leave, before you even met her even, because everyone leaves, at least from within the pathology.  There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change that, and she's always looking for clues, and misinterpreting actions or facial expressions, looking for confirmation.  You will drive yourself crazy trying to convince her otherwise, and you never will, because she's replaying the earliest trauma that created the disorder; it has nothing to do with you.

Beyond that your email is very open and rational, and it's good you sent it if you felt you had to, although she will interpret everything you wrote differently, again from inside the disorder.  She will focus on clues that she still has you, meaning the attachment is still in place, and look for vulnerabilities to use against you, the motivation being to control you so you won't leave, again that abandonment thing.  But open, honest sharing, humility, vulnerability, responsibility, resolution of issues, forget about it.

BTW, all of that is just standard borderline; you know her and will need to decide if it fits.  I don't know your whole story but it sounds like she left you and you still want to be with her, and you do mention all the things she's done to you and you want to stick around anyway.  :)oes she respect you?  :)o you trust her?  Is a long term relationship going to work or even possible at this point?  If the answers to those questions are no, it's best to cut your losses.  We've got extremely strong mixed emotions with our exes and it's very difficult to go through the hurt and all the phases of detaching, but in the end you might see the experience as a gift that motivated you to grow in directions you didn't know you needed.  You have a right to get pissed off too: if she left you and now she's jerking you around with messages and wishes, you have every right to tell her to fck off, and she won't understand it because she doesn't think like you.  Take care of you!

BTW, there's an article on this side that lists 10 things that get us stuck; I recommend it.

[ShadowDancer]

You permitted your ex to contact you this past week. That's what really going on. The question you should be asking is... . why? Also I believe you may be served better on another message board. Perhaps the staying or undecided formats would fit with your current situation/rationale.

[mgl210]

Thanks for the feedback,

That letter was actually me being calm... I wanted to write a more scathing letter, but I didn't want to, because I know myself well enough to know that if I wrote exactly how I felt, then I would truly regret it. Do I trust her? Yes/no. With all the crap of upending in my life all the time, its truly hard for me to say that I totally trust her. One of the fears I have is somehow us working things out, getting married and then the issue of kids comes up once again. If its me, I know I would have a hard time, but if I had to worry about protecting my possible future kids from her upending like she is. I don't know. I would feel incredibly guilty for putting any kids in that situation as that is totally not fair to anyone, regardless of who they are... .

Does she respect me? another yes/no comment. She does to some extent, but there are times, I just feel as if she is a hypocrite on things. For example, if she isn't paying attention to things, what gives me the right to get all bent outta shape if I ask her why didn't she listen to me?But if I miss something that she is talking about? Forget it, I am the antichrist... .

I appreciate your advisement. I had to write how I felt. I don't know how she will take what I wrote or if she will even respond to it... .

MGL

[mgl210]

SD,

I can't answer that question completely yet... . But I will in due time

MGL

[mgl210]

Well this is the response I got from her... .

I texted you to say happy new year and happy bday from one acquaintance to another, nothing more. I'm not conflicted, just being polite, but I'm ending all communications on all levels and via all mediums now.

I guess that's it then... . Sigh... .

MGL

[fromheeltoheal]

If she sticks to that it could be the good news, so you can get over her.  Never say never though... .

[feelingcrazy7832]

I'm sure that response hurt to some level. Sorry. This just gave me some serious flashbacks of my ex. Just be thankful you know now vs. later that this is how she will continue to react to you. It will not change.

[mgl210]

So, now that its so called "over". I put that in quotes, because I know its a question of time when she will once again attempt to reach out to me as a so called "acquaintance". Its funny bc I think I hit a nerve when I said what I said... . Therefore, she had to be on the offensive... Its okay though... .

MGL

[toomanytears]

Well this is the response I got from her... .

I texted you to say happy new year and happy bday from one acquaintance to another, nothing more. I'm not conflicted, just being polite, but I'm ending all communications on all levels and via all mediums now.

I guess that's it then... . Sigh... .

MGL

Hi MGL  It's pull push in action. First she sent the text to pull you in, so you were hooked and responded, then she was compelled to push you away ending her message with a threat. We've all experienced this torture. It feels like hell - so conflicting on the emotions. 

The only way is NC but this should also involve personal growth so you are more resilient when she reaches out again, which I suspect she will. Try, try not to think about her. Instead, do something positive, even if it's as minor as cleaning out a cupboard or calling a friend so that if your thoughts stray you'll have achieved something in spite of her trying to get inside your head. We are with you.

[Iamdizzy]

I hope this is not blunt but she's just trying to test the waters. You open the door a bit and the flood of water comes in knocking you off your feet. Don't reply... . stay NC and detach however best for you.

[mgl210]

I have no doubt that she will attempt again. I know from exp with her that she is easily defensive when called out on things. I've no doubt in my mind that she automatically felt "threatened" by my standing up for myself to say the least and said to herself that she needs to protect herself. I've been with her on/off for the past four years to know her too well... .

MGL

[santa]

Put your phone in front of your car tire and run over it. Then back up and run over it again. Then drive forward and run over it again. Then throw your phone into a lake.

Or just change your number.

[mgl210]

Nice advice Santa... nice... .

[dreamofpeace]

Santa - thanks for the best laugh tonight. I love that! Run that phone over... . so how I feel at times.

To the original person who posted... . you sound like you are staying strong and looking out for you! Best thing you can do... . I have a feeling these are people who will not stay away easily or for long.

[mgl210]

Well she texted me again at around the same time... . I'm telling you it's still not the last I've heard from her.

Mgl