BPD sister, and her impact on her son - long story, sorry for the rant

[Somersby]

Hi, this is my first post regarding my BPD sister I just wanted to share an incident that occurred recently and ask if anyone has any suggestions on how I could deal with the situation. Its complicated and long-winded, but bear with me!

Background: My sister has always suffered from an irrational anger and jealousy of me, which stems from me being born - she never forgave me for that! I think she felt abandoned by my parents as the attention was taken from her, and from day one she was convinced everyone loved me more than her. She has always treated me badly (she tried to drown me in the bathtub when I was little), and has damaged any feelings of self worth/esteem that I might have had. When her son was born, at first it was ok but then she suffered from post natal depression. When her son started walking and talking, she developed an intense jealousy of my relationship with him and often has "episodes" if her son shows me more attention than her. About 4 years ago, she ended her marriage (she treated her husband in a similar manner to me) and her bad behaviour has escalated to include near-suicidal depressive states, rages and lashing out.

My sister's son is 7yo, and is the most polite, well behaved and thoughtful child you would ever meet. I baby sit him often while my sister works, as I do not not work on school vacations and have the time to spend with him - we are very close. About 3 weeks ago he attended a sports camp and won the opportunity to run out onto the field at a major sports game to meet and greet the players, and get a signed hat. He was so excited! My sister invited me to come along and watch, which I gratefully accepted as I wouldn't miss sharing this experience with my nephew. After running onto the field, he returned to us in the stadium excited because he had been given two tickets to access the members area after the game. As an excited innocent 7yo, his first request was "Can I take Aunty S?" - my sisters face fell, and she launched into one of her moods and wouldn't speak to either of us for the rest of the night, jealous that he wanted me there and not her (despite the fact she had her own members ticket and could get in anyway!). My nephew was very upset and was asking me questions like "What did I do wrong? Is it my fault?" By the next morning she seemed to have mostly gotten over it so I put it to the back of my mind.

Last weekend, we attended my SIL's 30th costume birthday party. I had been babysitting my nephew for 2 days, and my sister had arranged to leave his costume out for me to pick up. She forgot to do it and I couldn't get in touch with her. I didn't want my nephew to miss out on wearing a costume so I went into town and found a simple inexpensive costume that my nephew was very pleased with. Big mistake! From the moment we walked into the party, my sister was throwing daggers at me with her eyes and wouldn't speak to me. She was making snide comments to my nephew that he should come and ask me if he was allowed to have lies because he obviously thinks I'm his Mommy, not her. Halfway through the evening, my sister sent my nephew over to me with a message that I had to leave the party immediately and take him home to bed, despite the early hour. I was visibly shocked, saying I was not ready to go yet as I wanted to have birthday cake and hear the speeches. My sister sat quietly for half an hour, glaring at me, then suddenly got up and made a phone call. In a rage, she had called her ex-husband and demanded that my nephew's old, disabled grandfather was to look after him, as I was irresponsible and didn't care about her son's well-being (I was supposed to have my nephew stay with me that night, and she usually refuses to let the grandfather babysit as he feeds the boy junk food).

I approached her to ask what was going on, and she flew into a rage at me. She brought up the incident at the sports game from the previous weekend and accused me of trying to undermine her as a mother, she claimed that I have no concern for her child's well-being as I apparently let him stay up til midnight, I feed him junk food, I let him behave badly etc (which is all nonsense). She claimed I deliberately go around being nice to people so that everyone will like me and think I am the Golden Girl, and to make her look bad (what the heck?). She thinks I am trying to come between her and her son, I am trying to turn our father and all the family against her, everyone loves me and hates her. It went on and on... .

My nephew came over to ask what was wrong and she flew at him and told him to go away, he ran away crying. She then blamed that on me "Oh great, look at that! Now I'm the bad guy again and he'll run to you, not me". She then snatched him up and left the party without saying goodbye to anyone, took the boy to his grandfathers and didn't return. My nephew was too afraid to hug me goodbye. I haven't heard from her since except for a text message that stated she would never cause me any problems ever again (ie she is no longer going to speak to me). She has also cut all communications with my father as she believes I have turned him against her. She has deleted all of her social media accounts.

She knew that the best way to punish me was to take my nephew away, and give him to the one person she disapproves of (unjustly). Her outrageous comments hurt me immensely, but I tried not to take them personally as I knew she was just lashing out. My biggest concern in all this, is for my nephew's well-being. He is confused, upset and is beginning to blame himself, and is asking questions "Why doesn't my Mommy like you? Is this all my fault? What did I do?". She is feeding the boy stories about how awful his father is, such as how "he doesn't want to spend time with you", "we have to sell the house because your dad doesn't care if we have nowhere to live (this is happening as part of the divorce settlement)", "your daddy's new girlfriend is an evil witch" etc etc. This whole story is just one example of her recent behaviour, there have been many other incidents.

Is there anyway I can support my nephew through this? I feel that any thing I say to him could undermine his relationship with her, and I don't know if he's ready to hear the fact that his mother has a mental health problem. He is too young. She is currently denying me access to him, and this could go on for months. I do have limited access to him through his father whom I am on good terms with (which also angers her). Is there any way I can change my reactions/behaviour to stop triggering these episodes or at least reduce the severity?

Sorry for such a long story, but I needed to vent and I need help!

[Somersby]

Sorry I'm new on here and still learning the ropes - should have specified, my sister is undiagnosed and in denial.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Good lord.

I was that little boy a very long time ago, but I was the oldest girl  of four cowed, frightened little children. Unlike this little fella's dad, ours never got us out.

I am saddened your nephew lives with her. I know you are, too. Just mortified every time you have to witness this and also bear the brunt of it.

I am thinking have a sit down with his dad, tell him just what you wrote us, you won't in any way make this situation worse, she is doing that all on her own.

I have been in that boy's shoes all my life. I only got away 11 years ago, and she is now dead.  He just has to have a life better than mine has been in regards to his mother.

Parental alienation, this stupid campaign she wages against his dad via him... . you are familiar with that term? I think it's a tragic awful thing, saw it over and over under our very roof because our father lived with us.

Your poor little nephew - the guilt eats one up that you might've triggered her rage. You dance around every day trying to keep the calm even though you have no way of knowing she is the force that ruins it.

Has this little boy ever gotten counselling?

I'm so sorry. All I can think is circle the wagons with his dad.  Not to gang up against her but to strengthen this little fella when he needs it... . encourage the dad, if he can, to get his son to a counselor.

How sad.

Brings back all kinds of memories... . yes those eyes snapping at you because you did something that in her mind is akin to evil.

Bless you for caring and being there for him.

[Deb]

Wow! You could be telling MY story! My dBPD sister hated ME for being born, also. And she tried to drown me too! Once in the bath tub and once at a public swimming pool. And when my niece was little, she became very jealous of me over any attention that my niece gave to me. Only she didn't give any of her children to their dads. In fact, she denied the fathers of the older 2 visitation. When my oldest niece was around 3 or 4, she told my sister she wanted to grow up to be just like me. That didn't go over well. My sister severely punished her. The one thing I did for all of my sister's children was to give them unconditional love. I didn't try to be their mother, just someone they could count on for love and that is a form of support. To this day, I have a good relationship with all of them. But only the youngest has ANY contact with my sister. And that is minimal.

[Somersby]

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it! I am so sorry to hear your stories, it is so sad when little children are mixed up in all this craziness. My heart goes out to you!

Lucyhoneychurch - Unfortunately no, my nephew has never had the chance to go to counselling, this is something I will definitely encourage as he enters his teenage years. I have talked a little to his father about what is going on, however his father is a bit flippant about the impact it is all having on his son. His response has mostly been "Oh he seems to bounce back all the time, he'll be fine" or "He needs to toughen up". His father works in law enforcement, so is a very strong character and a bit of a macho. Don't get me wrong, me is a loving dad but I don't think he has the capacity or empathy to see how deeply his son is affected. Parental alienation - yes I am familiar with this term! My own parents separated 10 years ago, and there was a lot of this throughout the divorce. Luckily I was old enough to distance myself from it. It is horrible.

Deb - did you ever have discussions with your sisters children about their mother, and her problems? How did you explain the irrational jealousy to them without turning them against her? He is asking questions, and I don't know how to answer them! I feel I should be honest with him, but I don't want to harm their relationship. I truly hope that I am able to maintain a close relationship with my nephew as he grows up. Perhaps all I can do is give him as much love as I can and be there when he needs me, but it is hard to know how much I should discuss with him.

I do feel a lot of guilt that I am contributing to my nephews suffering, as I am the one who triggers the rages. I know its not my fault, but I am trying to work on ways of changing my responses/reactions, reducing the likelihood of triggering rages. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am reading up on some of the older posts here, and methods described, but has anyone had much luck with it? What methods have been effective for you?

[Deb]

It wasn't until my sister's 2 oldest were adults that we found out my sister's diagnosis. And she now denies she was diagnosed. The youngest, I just said that her mother and father both loved her. She was 8 when her world fell apart. ANd fortunately, her father got custody. But she told the therapist that she went to that she knew her mother was not acting right! I think some of the parents who were married to borderlines have found ways to validate the child without being alienating. I wish I could offer more help.

[Legacymaker]

I wish I had, had someone like you when I was little!  Children know what true love feels like.  They naturally gravitate to it.  Your nephew is in good hands! 

[Sitara]

How did you explain the irrational jealousy to them without turning them against her?

I wonder if there might be some helpful tips over on the parenting/shared custody boards.  I haven't ventured over there myself, but it seems like the place to find stuff like that.

I wish I had been a better aunt to my niece and nephew.  My sister and I have always had a severely strained relationship, so since we barely had anything to do with each other, I didn't see them often either.  Either my sister also has BPD (my mom's the reason I'm here) or she has a ton of fleas, but I feel so bad for those two kids, being stuck between her and my mom.  They are both overly involved in those kids' lives, and they already have noticeable issues. We now live so far away I'm not able to be a positive influence in their lives.  It's so nice for your nephew that he has your support and love.  That alone will probably make a bigger difference than you realize.