This is my problem

[Rebuilding me]

I have come to be 95% convinced my xuBPDgf is a quite or waif BPD! What is so confusing to me is that I read all of these stories of the push pull, or having to stop the dance with their partner by going NC! The day after she said she didn't think I should move into the new apartment we applied for with her, I tried to talk but felt it was getting no where! I snapped and knew I had to leave! I packed up what I could in my car a drove 1300 miles back home!

Two days later she sent me a text hoping my drive went well, I said I made it and thanked her!

In the two weeks after the bu I composed a well thought out letter asking forgiveness for my mistakes and pointing out what I felt went wrong! We eventually just became roommates because after she shut down to me I realized in my own self preservation I did the same! I still loved her but did not know how to communicate effectively so our deep communication broke down! I also pointed out I felt she was running from herself and pain in her life, but ended the letter saying we now have the opportunity to grow a true healthy r/s!.

Before I sent the letter I texted her saying it should be coming in the mail by the end if the week! She thanked me for giving her a heads up and even said she hoped I was doing ok! This was a perfect response and I felt she would respond to the letter I put my heart and soul into! (6 pages) this was a couple weeks before thanksgiving! I waited patiently to hear a response!

Thanksgiving came and went nothing! In the first week of December I sent a text and asked if she received my letter! No response! I could not believe it! What had happened? Even the day I left she said she still loved me and we could be friends! I sent her a Christmas card, and texted her in Christmas saying I couldn't understand the lack of respect for not even giving me the common courtesy of any response! I told her I had to unfriend her in Facebook because the pain was too great and I asked for her to remove me from her family phone plan, which only she could do as the account owner! No response! Months of waiting and nothing!

Finally I discovered BPD! I did some digging and found she created three dating profiles on three different sites about 18 days after the break up! This being in the same time she would of received my letter! I was hurt and pissed! I sent her a text saying I was under no obligation to pay for the plan, I would have been willing, but her behavior of no response had me confused and again I asked to be removed from the plan so I could move on. I got an immediate response saying she would do it tomorrow and sorry for the delay! I texted back she had to do it tonight before the new billing cycle started! No response! I waited a week and she still hadn't taken me off the plan! Two weeks ago I sent her a text! "Hey you cold and heartless woman release me from the plan! This is the short and nice version! I want nothing to do with you! 45 minutes later I was off! End of story!

I read of all the reattachment attempts and games, but my ex gave me nothing in three months but one text! It's not about reconciliation and I guess I'm fortunate not to go through all the push pull, but damn she gave me absolutely nothing! At least with the push/ pull I could have seen what was happening! But I got nothing and that leaves me so much more hurt and confused! And makes me feel like the looney one, for pouring my heart out to her, and just getting silence!

I don't know what it all means but I will never understand and that is the worst!

[glacier_glider]

Don't try to understand it on your own. Read books on BPD, read articles and forums.

Give her the same - NC (NO CONTACT).

NC means much more than you not contacting her directly. Even more importantly, it includes you not checking up on her on social networks and other sources.

Your silence will hurt her.

I did this and she came running to me with "I miss you" and "I love you" in 10-11 months. She also told me that she was ready to do that much earlier but was afraid of my rejection.

[seeking balance]

I know it is hard to not tie your self worth to someone who does not respond to you when you read all these stories of people getting recycled.

The truth is, there is no "one size fits all" response from a pwBPD.  Especially if someone has have NPD traits as well.  There are plenty of these stories too.

My ex after the last time didn't come back around except for money... . and it hurts when you feel so "dismissed". 

At this point, it sounds like all ties are over - thus, no real need for communication.  What kind of response were you hoping for regarding your letter?

[fromheeltoheal]

Her lack of response is pretty clear communication of what she wants, and not hard to understand, just hard to accept.  If all financial dealings are done it's best to cut your losses, let her go, and start shifting the focus from her to you and your future.  It's painful when a relationship ends, and the best you can do is use that pain to discover a deeper part of yourself and what you need to do differently in the next relationship, maybe starting with why you were drawn to this woman and what, if any, things you ignored and shouldn't have.  Take care of you!

[Rebuilding me]

What was I expecting from the letter? I don't know anything would have been better than silence! Maybe I don't feel that way anymore about you! We are not compatible! It never would of worked. Or you are right, that is what happened? We do love each other!

Remember this is before I had any inking of BPD!

In my P.S. I said I understand this is a lot to reflect on and I don't expect a major response. A simple acknowledgement that you read the letter would help ease my heart! I wrote the letter as a way to say my piece, apologize and shed light on what I thought happened! I felt I had to say all that was not said! I did and glad I did! A simple acknowledgement would have starting me on my healing so much faster! I was willing to let go, but felt I had to share my heart! More than in the relationship or the ending of the r/s! The silence in combination of keeping on the phone plan for what ever reason cut the deepest!

[seeking balance]

A simple acknowledgement would have starting me on my healing so much faster!

Yeah, I know not getting any response feels invalidating - but sometimes pwBPD simply cannot respond... . they are so triggered that they put their head in the sand and move on rather than deal with emotions.  I know it doesn't feel good in the moment.

It's ok to be angry at her - this is part of the healing process.

[nooseroundmyfeet]

Keep in mind, that even when the BPD does attempt an explanation, many times they are not providing you much in their answers and can only lead to more confusion.  I went through the period of asking my BPD ex to make sense of the madness and got nothing.  Then when I did finally get a level of remorse in a response, she immediately turned it into threatening to harm herself.  This remorse and threat of physical harm occurred 1 day after spending another weekend with the replacement.  She was unable to admit to the replacement even though she left too many clues she was with someone else.

She recovered from that episode and proceeded to bring up reasons it wouldnt have worked anyway that caused more me to shake my head in amazement. After reading up and learning more about the illness I can better understand why she responded the way she did and why I do not expect to or require closure

[buddy1226]

My ex would go silent too. NC would fix her ass though. I'd get calls and emails after that. She is a passive b!tch like yours. Evil as hell. They know it kills us when they do that. Go NC. dude. Complete and total NC. Who needs this sh!t? You will continue to be her b!tch otherwise.

[Rebuilding me]

My ex would go silent too. NC would fix her ass though. I'd get calls and emails after that. She is a passive b!tch like yours. Evil as hell. They know it kills us when they do that. Go NC. dude. Complete and total NC. Who needs this sh!t? You will continue to be her b!tch otherwise.

That is the sickening thing about all of this! Now that I have started to come out of the fog, I look back and realize all the cruel, subtle, passive comments. It hurts to realize how I would just let them slide as discussion would end up turning everything back on me! She had trained me well, until I began to become dead inside! Very cunning and so so subtle! She had me believing I was the problem! Even though it felt off. She was so masterful in  her manipulation and I consider myself intelligent and good at reading people! It does feel evil! Like twisting a knife! A month before the breakup I remember her bragging about making a man at work be her bhit  and do anything for her, in the same sentence telling me how nice and thoughtful a guy he is! It's so hard to think I was played that way, that she devil! Thank you for your words! I'm just beginning to wash off the toxic and the more the fog clears the more I feel like such a chump. The worst is everyone thinks she is so wonderful! Her family knows something is off because she has health issues that may be psychosomatic, but they walk on eggshells and treat her like a baby!  To think about it she runs her whole family! And I know she plays the silent treatment to her own mother! Sickening!

[Moonie75]

What's VERY clear here, is that the silence is doing your head in!

So give it back to her!      It's free and doesn't even take any of your time up.

And use it to focus on yourself.

[buddy1226]

Everything you have described sounds exactly like my ex. I'm pissed that I was so well trained. The subtle, cruel, passive comments. Ditto. F*ck her. Let her do that to someone else. Mine did it as recent as last week when I let her sorry ass in my door after a few months of NC. What a skank. I'm pissed that I got played so bad. NC.,,It's the only cure. then they don't know what we are up to. Even is we are on this board comparing notes...

[Tausk]

My ex would go silent too. NC would fix her ass though. I'd get calls and emails after that. She is a passive b!tch like yours. Evil as hell. They know it kills us when they do that. Go NC. dude. Complete and total NC. Who needs this sh!t? You will continue to be her b!tch otherwise.

She had me believing I was the problem!

My ex was dating the guy she had cultivated as a back up the weekend after the break up.  I've been effectively cut off since then.  It's not an one-size fits all model.  It's a spectrum, but we look for patterns that fit.  And the way you're writing, the patterns are all there.

It hurts like hell.  And honestly nothing is going to lessen the pain that is necessary to go through in order to recover.  And it's going to be a lot of pain.  

There's a certain amount of minimum pain I need to experience in order to recover.  But if I do not approach my recovery in the correct manner, the amount of pain I will end up experiencing has no upper limit.  

And there's nothing that says the pain will ever end.  Some people never recover.  It's an addiction, and just like any addiction, some people figure things out and get better, and some people never look at the issues, and drown in the addiction to the point where dying is less painful than the suffering.  If you don't believe me, read how many people end up being triangulated for twenty or more years or worse.

And it's very possible for me to be stuck in loathing, bitterness, and anger forever.  It's been two years, and at times, I still have a hard time not wanted my ex to end up in a murder/suicide scenario.  But usually I am able to pray for their happiness.

So, I had to get honest and learn about the disorder.  I hate to feel my feelings, but I had to so that could respond to my feelings in a nondestructive manner.  I also had to get honest with who I was and what my FOO issues were.  And I had to learn to depersonalize the Disorder.  If I think that my ex is evil, then I have to ask why did I fall in love with someone who is evil.  I had to learn that I brought my issues to the interaction, and I WAS HALF THE PROBLEM.

Thankfully, there's the board and proven techniques to help me.  It's helped me with the black and white thinking. It's helped me with the shame and betrayal.  It's helped with the devaluation.  And it's helped to move on as a much deeper and better person.

My therapist helped so much as well.  I vented and vented and vented and was validated to the point where I as then able to look at myself and be open to the gifts.   In fact, if I received everything that I had hoped for when I first started this journey of recovery, I would have sold myself short, since I have received so much more than I could have imagined.

But I had to be open minded to the fact that I did not know very much and needed to learn about myself.

But with honesty, open mindedness, and willingness, I have the right to have hope today, and will hope all things are possible if I'm willing to work for them.

I hope you, stay on and vent and learn and grow.

[Rebuilding me]

What's VERY clear here, is that the silence is doing your head in!

So give it back to her!      It's free and doesn't even take any of your time up.

And use it to focus on yourself.

It's not the silence that's messing with my head! That was the first couple months! It's the confusion and truth of it all as I come out of the fog! I understand now how fully used I was and she has shown me the truth through her silence! It's the silence that made me realize the truth. So I should be thankful! And I am giving it back! I guess it comes down to what my mother said, "I want her to contact me so I can tell her off!" I know that solves nothing it's just so painful to realize I was nothing  but a object for her needs! Used, chewed up, spit out, an discarded! All the evidence is there my mind tells me the truth, but it seems so G damn unbelievable! Sorry I'm just sick of thinking about this woman who tore out my heart! I'm tired of her renting space in my head, I'm trying so hard to get her out, but it's constant.

I guess the first months were confusion and hurt from the silence, and where I am now is the hurt of the truth! Hopefully that represents healing!

[Rebuilding me]

Thanks tausk  I am doing the work! A lot of it!

I'm all over the place and painting her as the manipulative person she is does help! Although it is hard to believe! I don't think she is evil, but I have studied many cultures especially Greek and it's amazing how similar her betrayals fall into these classic stories of sirens, succubus on and on! She most likely is not evil and in fact it was probably not all intentional, but it feels evil, and intentional or not the damage done falls under my characterization of evil acts! For what is more evil then talking someone's heart and soul in your hands and sucking them dry and tossing them out once drained! Hyperbole I now but that's exactly what happened!

[Tausk]

Thanks tausk  I am doing the work! A lot of it!

I'm all over the place and painting her as the manipulative person she is does help! Although it is hard to believe! I don't think she is evil, but I have studied many cultures especially Greek and it's amazing how similar her betrayals fall into these classic stories of sirens, succubus on and on! She most likely is not evil and in fact it was probably not all intentional, but it feels evil, and intentional or not the damage done falls under my characterization of evil acts! For what is more evil then talking someone's heart and soul in your hands and sucking them dry and tossing them out once drained! Hyperbole I now but that's exactly what happened!

RB:  Absolutely you're doing the work.  Thanks, I appreciate your courage and honesty.  It inspires me to continue with my recovery.  Really thanks.  It would be lonely to be on the board by myself.

Yeah it definitely feels evil at times.  And it's definitely not morally right.  It's destructive and sociopathic behavior.  Behavior without regard for responsibility of the consequences.

But my ex was not an evil person doing sick things. She is a very ill person acting in a sociopathic manner.  

But she is not a sociopath.  A sociopath can jab a stick in a warren of baby rabbits and giggle in delight over the squeals of agony of the bunnies.

A sociopath doesn't feel.  My ex felt too much. It's doesn't excuse her behavior.  It just allows me to depersonalize it.  Even the rage and punishment.  It was part of her illness and the Disorder at work.  Just like a three year old in a tantrum.

We can recover.  Sadly our exes only have what they have of a nightmare existence. It will never change for them.

When I want punishment for my ex, I try and remember that she is already doomed to forever live in absolute terror and pain.   Would you ever for even a second trade emotional places with your ex?  Me neither.  Her existence is pretty much punishment enough, even though the source of her Disorder was never her fault to begin with.

Sadness.

[Rebuilding me]

Tausk all you speak is true! I guess that is the hardest part! It does feel evil, yet it is not!

I was manipulated, but it was only her learned behavior! I know how much pain she was in, she internalized it, but our connection was so close at one point I was capable of feeling her pain. She even mentioned to me once, "you seem to take on the feelings of other. I could feel her pain, and that was the worst part. I even started getting headaches in the end, like she got! I knew something was wrong, but I believe by trying to help her and heal with her, the reality was too great. Thus the discard! The game was up! In the idealization phase we could speak of this, but once I was devalued I was a threat to the truth behind the facade!

I will have compassion for her and the disorder someday, because I will always love her in a way! That is the type of man I am! The love will never stop, it will just evolve into something healthier! It just sucks because I feel like I can't even process correctly because this f-ing disorder! How can you be mad at someone who is sick! That's what makes me so split and broken! My compassion for her and my anger! Gut wrenching!

[Tausk]

Tausk all you speak is true! I guess that is the hardest part! It does feel evil, yet it is not!

I was manipulated, but it was only her learned behavior! I know how much pain she was in, she internalized it, but our connection was so close at one point I was capable of feeling her pain. She even mentioned to me once, "you seem to take on the feelings of other. I could feel her pain, and that was the worst part. I even started getting headaches in the end, like she got! I knew something was wrong, but I believe by trying to help her and heal with her, the reality was too great. Thus the discard! The game was up! In the idealization phase we could speak of this, but once I was devalued I was a threat to the truth behind the facade!

I will have compassion for her and the disorder someday, because I will always love her in a way! That is the type of man I am! The love will never stop, it will just evolve into something healthier! It just sucks because I feel like I can't even process correctly because this f-ing disorder! How can you be mad at someone who is sick! That's what makes me so split and broken! My compassion for her and my anger! Gut wrenching!

Great post.  It's the essence of the contradiction.  But it's also so very important to remember that we can't fix them.  It's clear that you, like so many of us here on the board, are a good decent person of character.  I have no doubt that I could call on you as a friend and you'd support me without malice or resentment. 

But, that moral strength can also be a vulnerability to our recovery, because there's nothing we can do at this point for our exes.  They have moved on.  We need to as well.  They have forgotten about us, except for the odd moments when we pop back into their heads. We have to remember that the Disorder is bigger than us.

The only gift that I have left for my ex is to keep my boundaries.  And contact at this point only furthers the destruction.  I don't know why that is, but it is the truth.  And no matter what my intention, if I want to at least not hurt my ex, or myself, I'll stay away.

It sucks donkey dongs.  It's simply another f'''ing opportunity to practice radical acceptance.

hang in there,

it doesn't necessarily get easier, but I've found that if I'm honest and patient, it gets much better.  I have faith that it will get better for you as well.

T