Practical advice re: counseling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

After about six good months, my uBPDh and I had a horrific blow-up, that I can't even begin to go into. So, after leaving the house for the night, I got a tentative promise to go to marriage counseling.

Questions: 1) he's terrified. We had a disastrous marriage counseling attempt a few years ago, but I think there's even more to his fear than just that. Any practical ways to be supportive/calm him down/make the prospect less scary?

2) any advice on how to pick a decent counselor?

3) how should I behave in the session? I'm scared if I'm too honest about my side of things, he'll freak out and back out.

Any advice is much, much, much appreciated.

[MichiganGirl]

Hi everyone,

After about six good months, my uBPDh and I had a horrific blow-up, that I can't even begin to go into. So, after leaving the house for the night, I got a tentative promise to go to marriage counseling.

Questions: 1) he's terrified. We had a disastrous marriage counseling attempt a few years ago, but I think there's even more to his fear than just that. Any practical ways to be supportive/calm him down/make the prospect less scary?

2) any advice on how to pick a decent counselor?

3) how should I behave in the session? I'm scared if I'm too honest about my side of things, he'll freak out and back out.

Any advice is much, much, much appreciated.

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[hergestridge]

Couples counseling with a BPD person is almost impossible. As you point out, honesty on your part will be a problem because your partner will start to dysregulate and get defensive. If your BPD partner is going to i understand you at all, he's better of discussing your situation hypothetically with someone else when you're not there. Face to face he'll be overwhelmed by his own emotions.

[MichiganGirl]

OK. That's kind of what I thought. I couldn't imagine the discussion going well at all. I will talk to him about going by himself and see how that goes. I'm at the point now where I think it's about the only thing that might save the relationship. It's hard to accept that he may not feel that way.