Grief, losing a mother, gaining your life

[rebl.brown]

Hello everyone,

I cannot tell you how much you have helped me.  Without personal experience with someone who has BPD you cannot possibly  understand, especially this particularly heinous disorder. When you have to deal with a mother with BPD it changes who you are. The violence done to the soul, the tearing away of reality the lack of any type of empathy much less any coherent relationship.

I stopped seeing my BPD mother about 10 years ago.  She is in her late 70's and I am 51.  I am doing very well but still the shadow of this woman's abuse follows me despite years and distance.  I went to a time of meditation tonight at a retreat center.  It still seems when I get in touch with myself that hurt, grieving little girl is still there.  I've processed so much, enough so that I can live a good life and be a good mother and grandmother yet sometimes that old grief will rear its ugly little head.

There is so much loss, I went on, lived my life and she missed it all.  She was so cruel, I can stand back now and say, this abuse had nothing to do with me, she is sick, she does this to everyone but you know that doesn't change having to do all the work of learning to believe truth trying to let go of all the self-hatred and self-harming behaviors.  Just trying to figure out what happened and how could I have lived under my mother's mentally ill haze for so long.  It took so much, even now I struggle with anxiety, depression and self hatred.  I have to strive every day to stay off the crazy train. 

It leaves such an ache, even though I have people that love me and a place to belong the loss of that original family can feel all consuming.  It is so wide in its scope that I almost can't wrap my brain around it.  I would like so much to be finished with the grief, is that ever possible?  Ugh

[lucyhoneychurch]

Oh my goodness. I am 51 - the last year a rollercoaster: a grandmother for first time (twice within 2 weeks!) a year ago, divorce final a year ago, uBPD mother died a year ago (March).  How our lives tilt from amazingly beautiful beautiful moments (when I saw first little cell pic of my new granddaughter only minutes old I was screaming and jumping up and down like those girls in the Ed Sullivan Beatles' tape!), from those incredibly good full joyful times like seeing a new grandchild and then a 2nd one in 2 weeks' time!  ... . to when our hearts remember, how can we ever forget, sometimes seem to never move beyond, the stuff that happened to us all of these years?

One of my biggest struggles, rebl, was knowing the types of little kids the four of us were. Naive, dorky, nerdy, sad, shadowy little kids.

When I look at pictures of us now, I want to swoop in, loving grandma/mama bear- style, and take us to a happy place and happier times.

Therein lies my perpetual grief and angst and sorrow and what can make me sob it's still so fresh in 2014.

I want to send a hug to the little girl inside of you. Mine is still trying to swim to the surface and gasp for a really really great fresh breeze and I can see it rippling the surface it's *right* there in my heart, I just have to keep swimming up.

We were sweet little girls. I know because how many of us grew into sweet good decent women?

and men?

Here's my hug and affection and understanding.        

[StarStruck]

Hi rebl.brown,

You've come so far, you've got guts. I think it's amazing what you've achieved & how you've come on over the time you have distanced yourself from her.

Still to be left with these feelings is a crying shame. She is still alive, would it be the time to consider getting off your chest for a final time, then resorting back to NC.

I know that may sound far fetched - I haven't seen mine for 2/3 and I can't see her again but given that theres still feelings there left because of her treatment of you... . and you can't knock them completely. Maybe relieving all this to the battle axe might blow off some cobwebs, whilst you've got the chance. I understand how 'out there' that sounds.

Really feel for you  

[Sitara]

I wish I could answer that for you but I don't honestly know.  I'm not even fully NC and I've just realized all this stuff about my mom and me in the last year, so it's all relatively new for me.

Can you get over knowing that the person who brought you into this world wasn't capable of loving unconditionally?  I don't know.  That the person who was supposed to protect you and care for you abused you instead is heart wrenching. 

I think it's so hard to wrap my brain around because I do have my own children now and I couldn't imagine doing so many of the things she did.  We do the best we can with the challenges we were handed and do our best not to repeat them.  I think it's ok to feel sad sometimes, but remember to give yourself credit for all the things you've overcome.