Relationship drama

[LittleThings]

Our DD has had ongoing romantic relationship drama for over 5 years. (There have been many other non-romantic relationship dramas as well, but not as all consuming)

She hasn't been without a relationship, or a time when she isn't getting over a bad breakup, or looking for a new one, since high school.

In b/w relationships she is pretty miserable, sometimes suicidal, depressed, may cut, or use drugs.

In the beginning of each new relationship, all is good, the person is "the one", and there is constant communication. She may even take on some of the characteristics of the bf/gf.

We have always gone with the flow, and tried hard to accept each boyfriend, with boundaries in place. After a time, we became concerned with her needing to constantly be in a relationship. We hoped and encouraged her to use her talents, and we still do.

She came out over a year ago as bi, and now as gay. We've said it doesn't matter, but that there are some issues that may make it not the best idea to be in a relationship at the moment (male or female)... . diagnosis of MDD and BPD. 19, dropping out of college, spending all her money, the drugs, cutting, etc. She looked at us as if we were crazy.

Nothing stops her. After the last breakup after Christmas, another huge meltdown, and found a new gf on a dating website. She was supposed to be finding a job :/

We have detached in that area, with love, of course. Not wanting to be on a rollercoaster along with her.

It is also more difficult to be comfortable allowing the "hanging out" here in our home. We aren't in a place to watch the drama continue (at least in our house), even though we can't stop it.

How common is this w/BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

How common is this w/BPD?

Very common. It is one of the criteria for diagnoses (unstable relationships).

Although my dxBPDSD22 is working and not cycling down, she still has troubles in her relationships. My SD identifies with much younger men/boys in her romantic leanings. These love interests are not appropriate. She has not had a relationship with any of these younger guys but the drama includes her "going off" on anyone else who shows an interest in whomever she is interested in. She hangs out with younger girlfriends and what commonly occurs is that the more appropriately aged girl will become aware of the guy because of my SD's interest in him.

The boy will not even really consider my SD as a romantic interest because she is older (and very overweight... . all of her friends that have attracted her love interests have been skinny and shapely). He will make a play for the girlfriend who will maybe not at first mention it to my SD and the war is ON. I think there is even an aspect of SD not letting the girlfriends know that she is interested in the guy, she will bring him around because "he's cool". 

I've gotten a lot of blank stares from her when I try to talk to her about it. She believes that this sort of drama is just how it is in her world. She clearly doesn't understand why her Dad and I are so appalled at her choice of younger guys... . we are talking 15 and 16 year olds and she is 22.

I'm sure others here will validate this behavior with their own person with BPD. And others will give you links to things to read. Sorry I am rather useless as regards that... . !

I cringe to think of how things might go if she were to have a bf... .

thursday

[PaulaJeanne]

You're describing the typical relationship to a "T". I like my dd(20)'s current boyfriend as a person. When she dumped him & kicked him out of the basement apartment they share (in my house) on his birthday two months ago, he came crying to me... . I felt bad for him but I told him this is what he signed up for.

She took him back a few days later, after she totally trashed her relationships with the few remaining friends she had.

I'm trying to avoid getting emotionally invested in anything. I love my daughter more than life itself, but we are separate human beings who have no control over each other. (altho she can push my buttons).

It's so much easier now that we have separate living spaces. I just wish I couldn't hear it when they're fighting. My daughter told me she knows she is driving him crazy and that she is very controlling.

He's totally codependent, otherwise he'd NEVER stick around. I'm sure his friends all tell him. He's in a band (nothing serious) & when I talk to my friends about this, I joke she's his Yoko Ono.

[Sstepdad]

Sd has had someone from 15 on up, serious at 16 at 20 she met a guy who she is still tangled up with though they have had many breakups and mini relationships in between I think the attraction with this one guy is he is just like her, a very push pull relationship.

After her last breakup she got a girlfriend and my wife and I said well maybe thats been the problem, but no she took advantage of the girl and manipulated her to pay most of her bills nothing changed just gender, that relationship lasted around 6 months then she found another guy this one did not pay her bills so as far as we know she is no longer with him that lasted 3 months, but they never seem to get completely out of her personal orbit and may be pulled back at any time it seems.

Each and every one of them has been "The one" The unpredictability has become so predictable I feel like I can choreograph every new relationship she gets into. Her honeymoon period is usually 30-90 days after that it free for all time.

[Eclaire5]

Yes, romantic relationships can be the biggest Achilles tendon for our children. They invest so much emotion into it and when their idols fall from their pedestals it’s devastating for them. We cannot really do much about that, except for listening when they want to talk about it. I no longer offer advice; I just passively listen (even though at times I want to shake her up!) and try to be supportive. If she asks my opinion I carefully choose my words and try to put it in a way that she does not feel that I am telling her what to do. She has only been in two serious relationships one that lasted three years (from 16 to 19 y/o) and her current boyfriend of a few months, but it’s going badly and I think it’s going to end very soon. They were both volatile, insane relationships, but I have to remind myself that it is HER journey and not mine. This is what she has chosen for herself and I cannot change that. When we remind ourselves of that, reality can be a little more palatable.

[LittleThings]

Thanks, Thursday. It does become "the norm" for them.

My DH and I have liked most of her bfs and recently the last gf. They were all pretty together and college bound or in college.

Sstepdad, we did think maybe it would be different with a different gender. But, it's the same old thing... . she drives them crazy, "is a handful" as she put it herself. They all leave... . and doesn't that feed right into their fear of abandonment?

The recent gf is a college dropout like our DD, and perhaps is more on her level at the moment. Hope this isn't the start of a new low. Who knows... . and as you say PaulaJeanne we avoid getting emotionally invested in anything. You are a trooper to have this happening in your basement apt. It's ironic that you mentioned Yoko Ono. My DD adores the Beatles, and has said that, of the 4 of them, she feels she's most like John. Hmmm

We don't ask questions anymore.

Eclaire, I remind myself often that these are her choices not mine, and don't offer any advice. It's been a long road with the crazy romances. It's hard to see her in pain when it all falls apart, but less so as we can now predict it somewhat.

[js friend]

Sd has had someone from 15 on up, serious at 16 at 20 she met a guy who she is still tangled up with though they have had many breakups and mini relationships in between I think the attraction with this one guy is he is just like her, a very push pull relationship.

After her last breakup she got a girlfriend and my wife and I said well maybe thats been the problem, but no she took advantage of the girl and manipulated her to pay most of her bills nothing changed just gender,

 This is almost the same for my dd19 Sstepdad

Bf has been on/off with dd since 15. During their  off times dd desperatley tries to find a replacement. I have seen a few female r/s develop that have made me wonder.  dd did have a really nice friend who I suspected was a little more than just a friend who I also thought that  dd was taking advantage of someohow... . DD just seemed to tolerate having her around and never seemed to really enjoy her company.friend has now completly distanced herself from dd.dd claims that  she doesnt know why... .

Bf is still around but this varies from week to week. I have no idea what keeps them together... . neediness i guess. Both dont even seem to like one another very much. He has huge ababndoment issues too hence a lot of drama and push-pull behaviours. Does nothing all day, sees himself as a smoozer who can get any girl and Isnt afraid to put his hands on her either. physical violence,cheating to get one up on the other, lying, endless calls to the others phone when they have fallen out, Nasty texts and verbal abuse is the norm between the two of them... . bf says that is typical of how he and dd communicate and it doesnt mean anything... . yet they have a child together caught in the middle of this mess... .

... .   H E L L O! :'(

[jellibeans]

This is probably the one thing that really breaks my heart... . my dd16 struggles with relationships on every level. Recently facebook had those movies they make from your profile... . all the photos of my daughter with her friends were painful to see because she is no longer friends with any of them. She has never had a long term bf... . she tends to take advance of anyone that is interested in her... . she is very pretty and I think even popular but has really very few friends if that makes sense. I keep hoping once she matures she will be able to keep a friend but most of her relationships are short term. Just makes me sad for her.

[PaulaJeanne]

Oh jellibeans, I know what you're talking about with the facebook movie and your daughter's relationships. It breaks my heart too! My dd20 had a friend from like age 12, the first time I met this girl I said to both of them... . if I was 12 you would be my best friend. they went through high school together = traumatic times for both of them and for their parents as much as me & my husband. And now they don't speak... . totally because my dd trashes every relationship. jellibeans... . she's pretty & even popular just like your dd, but has no friends. I

to everyone on this board today... . I just wish we could all meet for a cup of coffee & group hug. I know we're all over this planet, but holy moley... . no one understands us like this group~

[Sstepdad]

 When SD was in school she would have one friend at a time, inevitably that friend would get along with someone she did not like and the betrayal drama would happen. Its a shame, I don't think she talks to any of her old school friends anymore.

She was very popular and attractive did lots of sports but though all of that no lasting friendships, she is smart and a hard worker when she applies herself she could be successful but the personal drama always knocks her life off the rails.

She would make all these plans about her future they sounded great, now she is 25 and still has not finished her associates degree.

In all of us I believe our biggest limitation is ourselves and our fears,  it is way out of wack with this disorder.

[LittleThings]

With my DD~ she is always drawn to people that are smart and together, but ends up wearing them out. They do end up distancing themselves from her and that is real/painful for her. She does so want to be "normal". She is very smart, just not at all together.

My DD's closest friend is unique in that she does not talk about feelings, or hash anything over... . she just laughs everything off and is completely non-emotional. No drama. She is never, ever serious. They've been friends since Kindergarten. I thank heaven for her. She's still at the college my DD left.

She was very popular and attractive did lots of sports but though all of that no lasting friendships, she is smart and a hard worker when she applies herself she could be successful but the personal drama always knocks her life off the rails.

I know we all have drama in our relationships, but Sstepdad, you're right that the personal drama with BPD is crippling. What they could accomplish if they took a break from it.

I am just amazed at the stamina with which my DD approaches romantic relationships. It seems to be her life's work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LittleThings]

A little update... .

Day before yesterday my DD broke it off with her current gf of just a few weeks.

Today I noticed a spot on her arm and she told me she (deliberately) burned herself yesterday just before she went into therapist's office. This is bad.  However, said she and the therapist got to the bottom of it and it's better now. This is good.

She told me she wants to sign up for a course to test the waters to see if she can handle it. This is good.

We just never know what's coming down the pike.

Thanks for sharing your stories. *Group hug *

[jellibeans]

little things


It is always two steps forward and one back... . baby steps... . she will get there.

[Pizzas123]

I so identify with all of these posts.  The drama of a new and then broken relationship has worn my husband and I out, and we no longer want to meet the next "new" one.  My daughter is very attractive and smart.  She excels at work, though with the emotional upheaval she is always experiencing, I cannot understand how she holds a job... . but she does. 

Because of her good looks, she does attract really great guys, and at the begginning, the relationship is always wonderful and the best thing that ever happened to her.  Time passes, and this wonderful guy becomes a horrible, terribe person in her eyes.  Then it ends. 

We just went through a lavish wedding for her, and we truly hoped this marriage would be the thing to help her - you always hope.  Just before the wedding date, she informed me that she didn't want to marry him, that it was a big mistake.  She did go through with it, but 3 months later we get the enevitable call from her - she is finished.  And she was.  Walked out, but not before cheating on him.

We have just learned she has a cocaine and marijuana problem, along with bulimia.  But guess what - she is also pregnant.  God help us, we are beside ourself with grief and worry.  It is ruining our lives, her constant drama.  This is absolutely the worst, now.  We've found when you think you've reached the bottom, you can always blast.   

We don't know where to turn or what to do... . but I am glad for this outlet, it does help.

[yogablue]

Wow, this is so amazing to read your stories and I too can relate to them.  So sorry to hear Pizzas123 of your current situation, with your dd now pregnant.  It must be so worrying.  We just do the best we can, don't we?

It seems that so many BPD offspring are characterised by dysfunctional relationships, as a poster said here, it's at the core of their dysfunction.  They desperately want and need a partner, but constantly stuff it up!  Pushing away the thing they crave most.

I may be 'lucky' but as my 22yo dd cut herself off from the word for 4 years, refusing to attend school from the age of 13, binge-eating and ending up massively overweight, she didn't interact with guys until she was about 19yo as she basically never left the house.

The first r/s went belly up, with her neediness, breaking up and making up and constantly trying to get back together with him (over 2 years.)  She came up with some condition that was 'wrong with him'.  Then, joy of joys (not) she met the "one" last September.  She thought it was 'too good to be true'. 

When he cooled off no doubt due to her erratic behaviour and broke up with her 6 weeks ago she was furious, felt betrayed, called him every name under the sun etc.  About 3 days into the break-up, she very excitedly told me she had VERY interesting news about her ex - he had NPD!  It was ALL his fault!  It took me a few weeks to process this, that she is the one with the problems, not them.

It sounds terrible, but I almost feel sorry for the guys who get involved with my dd - they are in for a world of (emotional) pain and abuse. It's really sad.

[Pizzas123]

I feel sorry for the "new" boyfriend (victim) each time.  My daughters soon-to-be ex-husband was a really good guy.  He had his problems, but he was kind and sincere. We loved his family, too. My daughter screwed it all up.  I feel like he got handed a bad bill of goods, and that maybe we should have warned him.  But he seemed to accept our daughter and love her, in spite of her faults, and optimistically we had hoped this would be the thing to heal her.  Not so, of course.  The cheating was the last straw for him.  Not even married a year.

On to the next adventure... .  

[jellibeans]

Dear Pizza

although it must be hard to watch your d go through relationships I am hopeful she learning at the same time... . have hope that she will find someone that will know how to interact with her and she will gain the knowledge and skills neccesary to maintain a relationship. Hopefully you can be there to support her and encourage her seek help.