Hard on myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been a long hard haul. My SO moved out in late October leaving so much mess - physical and emotional.

I kept myself strong during the awful process. It took her months to go.

I keep catching myself being so hard on myself - why did I put up with the a wful behaviour for so long - why can't I shrug it all off and move on like she seems to have done - why do I feel so exhausted... .

Ive read about BPD and emotional vampires. It feels true for me.

I've resisted contact other than the odd email which I never initiate.

I realise the attempts to suck me back in. I resist them but then comes the next wave of kicking myself for feeling low etc.

I am happier on my own. I have people to go out with. I'm doing things I want to do. Buying things I want. But I still keep having those negative thoughts about myself. 

Will this get better? Some days are better than others. It was a Long relationship. I feel very damaged from it but determined to move on. I'm proud I found inner strength to finish the relationship. But I am soo very tired!

Is this part of the healing process?

[Rosehip]

It's been a long hard haul. My SO moved out in late October leaving so much mess - physical and emotional.

I kept myself strong during the awful process. It took her months to go.

I keep catching myself being so hard on myself - why did I put up with the a wful behaviour for so long - why can't I shrug it all off and move on like she seems to have done - why do I feel so exhausted... .

Ive read about BPD and emotional vampires. It feels true for me.

I've resisted contact other than the odd email which I never initiate.

I realise the attempts to suck me back in. I resist them but then comes the next wave of kicking myself for feeling low etc.

I am happier on my own. I have people to go out with. I'm doing things I want to do. Buying things I want. But I still keep having those negative thoughts about myself. 

Will this get better? Some days are better than others. It was a Long relationship. I feel very damaged from it but determined to move on. I'm proud I found inner strength to finish the relationship. But I am soo very tired!

Is this part of the healing process?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Rosehip, Yes, BPD is extremely draining, both physically and emotionally, so it is normal to feel wiped out in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  For me, there was nothing left in the tank.  Though you seem on a good path, it will nonetheless take time to get your energy back.  Everyone is different, but recuperation is a slow process, so don't rush it.  Lucky Jim

[Rosehip]

Thank you LJ. People assume I'm fine because I'm getting on with things. They don't understand the damage done by BPD and I have to admit that I wouldn't want to give details because if I can't believe I let myself put up with it, they would think I was making it up.

Thank you for the reassurance.

[Lucky Jim]

You make a good point -- it's hard to talk about BPD because most people have no conception of what it's like to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Plus, as you note, it's painful to explain because we Nons put up with so much that others (with better self-esteem) would never tolerate.  LJ

[seeking balance]

  Rosehip!

It's been a long hard haul. My SO moved out in late October leaving so much mess - physical and emotional.

I kept myself strong during the awful process. It took her months to go.

This is so draining and exhausting - be gentle with yourself as you process.  Holding it together takes a serious amount of energy.  Allowing yourself the time to finally feel the exhaustion is ok.

I keep catching myself being so hard on myself - why did I put up with the a wful behaviour for so long - why can't I shrug it all off and move on like she seems to have done - why do I feel so exhausted... .

Living in crazy is indeed crazy-making.  It is a slow drain and once it is over - we really see how empty we have become.  Give yourself as much kindness and patience as you would give someone who just had a major organ transplant or some other major surgery... . emotionally, you really are fried... . this is normal based on what you have been through.

Ive read about BPD and emotional vampires. It feels true for me.

I've resisted contact other than the odd email which I never initiate.

I realise the attempts to suck me back in. I resist them but then comes the next wave of kicking myself for feeling low etc.

I remember that too - eventually, I had to stop reading them because the only thing that happened was I ended up feeling bad about something.

I am happier on my own. I have people to go out with. I'm doing things I want to do. Buying things I want. But I still keep having those negative thoughts about myself. 

Will this get better? Some days are better than others. It was a Long relationship. I feel very damaged from it but determined to move on. I'm proud I found inner strength to finish the relationship. But I am soo very tired!

Is this part of the healing process?

yep, you are heeling.  Sometimes we just need some time to get our balance again.  Self talk is important.  Since you are noticing the negative; try actively rephrasing your self talk in the moment.  It can be a challenge at first, but eventually it will get easier and it will help in rebuilding you.

Hang in there - you really will be ok in time.

Peace,

SB

[heartandwhole]

Hi Rosehip,

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, your feelings are really understandable.  Of course you are tired, a breakup like that, with a mess left over, is so difficult to deal with.  You've come to the right place for support.  

Is this part of the healing process?

It absolutely is.  It's called internalizing and it's very painful, because it dredges up wounds from our childhoods.  Please be gentle with yourself.  This is an opportunity to reconstruct an emotionally healthier you, but it's good to try to limit the damage of this stage of grieving, if possible.  

One strategy is caring, compassionate self-talk – like the wise and loving parent you always wanted to the hurt little child inside of you.  Another strategy is to focus intently on the goals and dreams that you have for yourself.

Hang in there, Rosehip.  We're here for you.

[Rosehip]

Thank you so much for your kind words heartandwhole, seeking balance and LJ. I am touched by your understanding and caring. I haven't cried much during all this but reading your posts did bring on tears. ❤️

[Waifed]

It's been a long hard haul. My SO moved out in late October leaving so much mess - physical and emotional.

I kept myself strong during the awful process. It took her months to go.

I keep catching myself being so hard on myself - why did I put up with the a wful behaviour for so long - why can't I shrug it all off and move on like she seems to have done - why do I feel so exhausted... .

Ive read about BPD and emotional vampires. It feels true for me.

I've resisted contact other than the odd email which I never initiate.

I realise the attempts to suck me back in. I resist them but then comes the next wave of kicking myself for feeling low etc.

I am happier on my own. I have people to go out with. I'm doing things I want to do. Buying things I want. But I still keep having those negative thoughts about myself.  

Will this get better? Some days are better than others. It was a Long relationship. I feel very damaged from it but determined to move on. I'm proud I found inner strength to finish the relationship. But I am soo very tired!

Is this part of the healing process?

Rose

Most BPD's move on rapidly from relationship to relationship.  This is how they are wired, how they cope.  I think their Narc traits and the need to be attached to another's self causes this.  Enmeshment works for them.  It usually works well for codependents too.  I believe that those with strong codependent traits also have coping mechanisms.  When we have what we feel was a hole filled inside of us by our pwBPD, we are left as lost souls trying to figure out how something so good could be so indifferent to the partner that we thought loved us.  They have reached deep inside of us and brought up so many feelings that were buried by our subconscious.  It causes pain and confusion and for us it is not something we can move on from quickly.  We must process the chaos and repair our damaged egos.  We feel like we were duped and betrayed.  This is because of our narc traits that we developed as a coping mechanism to protect us from our childhood.  Many of us lived behind a mask of falsely developed self confidence prior to being exposed by our pwBPD.  

If you are not codependent please disregard