31 days nc broken

[Allmessedup]

Ugh.  Yesterday I broke down and texted my exBPD.  She broke up with me over a month ago and instead of begging I just remained quiet.  I was devestated. But I was tired of being attacked for stating how I felt.   She was being all passive aggressive on fb at first.  Posting quotes and songs that were completely pointed at me.  I hid her posts.

Then she started getting very quiet and removing things off of fb.  Her posts took at turn toward self hatred. And I began to be concerned.   So I sent her a text saying that I would always be her friend etc.  Just a text I would send to anyone of my friends if they were hurting.  Well she initially was rather passive aggressive in her response.  Said things like I miss u horribly I still care about U but to even rekindle a friendship like ours would lead to my destruction.  That hurt but ok.  I said what I had to say and I didn't take her bait in an argument.  Today she unfriended me.  Now I had her hidden so I could check out what was going on without being blindsided.  So it should not be a big deal.  But today I feel like I am just a mess all over again.  Not as bad.  But still way off from where I was.

I should be happy.  I know in my head the relationship was toxic.  But my heart hurts

[seeking balance]

  Allmessedup!

Then she started getting very quiet and removing things off of fb.  Her posts took at turn toward self hatred. And I began to be concerned.   So I sent her a text saying that I would always be her friend etc.  Just a text I would send to anyone of my friends if they were hurting. 

Yeah, this is tough, because logically this should be ok - but in reality we are now the trigger for them. 

I found article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck super helpful when I was detaching.  Specific to you, might be this one?

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

Today she unfriended me.  Now I had her hidden so I could check out what was going on without being blindsided.  So it should not be a big deal.  But today I feel like I am just a mess all over again.  Not as bad.  But still way off from where I was.

I should be happy.  I know in my head the relationship was toxic.  But my heart hurts

Being unfriended hurts, breakups hurt - we loved them even if was flawed, it was love to us or we wouldn't have come to the internet to find out what just happened and stumbled onto this forum.  We are hurt enough to pick a random name just to participate in getting that hurt out and feeling understood, right?

Be super kind to you right now - you are raw - you are supposed to be, this is all new.  It will get better and you are not alone.

Peace,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Thanks sb.  I think I am more upset with myself than anything and that solves nothing.  I shouldn't have sent the text yet I don't regret it as I think for me I needed her to know this was all her choice. Not mine.

But then that is me searching for validation thru her.  Sigh

I am getting there.  We were involved for almost 4 years and the last year I was "recycled" 15 times.  I have been journaling and I look back over the last year or so and see so many times that I just wanted this to be over.  But it is taking my heart a long time to catch up with my head.

I am trying to work on me.  Working on my own codependency issues.  Working on meeting my own needs.  The thing is I can even see that the past month I have been more relaxed than I have been in a long time even with my grief.   And ur right. #9 is a huge sticking point for me!

I think tomorrow I will try to center myself with some yoga and make some plans to look forward to during the weekend. That should at least help me get thru Friday:) 

It's just nice to be somewhere where someone can understand what I am feeling

[seeking balance]

Thanks sb.  I think I am more upset with myself than anything and that solves nothing.  I shouldn't have sent the text yet I don't regret it as I think for me I needed her to know this was all her choice. Not mine.

But then that is me searching for validation thru her.  Sigh

I am getting there.  We were involved for almost 4 years and the last year I was "recycled" 15 times.  I have been journaling and I look back over the last year or so and see so many times that I just wanted this to be over.  But it is taking my heart a long time to catch up with my head.

I am trying to work on me.  Working on my own codependency issues.  Working on meeting my own needs.  The thing is I can even see that the past month I have been more relaxed than I have been in a long time even with my grief.   And ur right. #9 is a huge sticking point for me!

I think tomorrow I will try to center myself with some yoga and make some plans to look forward to during the weekend. That should at least help me get thru Friday:) 

It's just nice to be somewhere where someone can understand what I am feeling

I have to say, for being as new here as you are - you certainly do have the right attitude!  This will serve you well as you heal.

Honestly, there is no magic pill to make this all better (if there were, I would make a fortune!)... . but, with time, tears and some therapy - we do get through it.

You are not alone in your feelings - the "shoulds" can eat us alive if we let them.    If you do the little things now - eat healthy, sleep, exercise, cry, vent in a healthy way - they will help you rebuild and you really will be stronger than before.

Hang in there!

[SheAskedForaBreak]

You're going to get past this point, you know where you don't even want to be over it.  It's just going to take time.  It cut like a knife when I stopped talking to my BPD ex.  She was a huge part of my life, then nothing.  After a solid month I reached out trying to get closure and we've talked a few times.  Each time we get off the phone I realize I may never talk to her again.  I realize why I don't want her in my life.  I'm choosing to be her friend, but she doesn't even get it that I'm over her or getting really close.  I've been dating and having fun with my new life.  Odds are you're going to have a better life than her and a better life without her.  Keep journaling, that is way healthy brother. 

[Kallor74]

Said things like I miss u horribly I still care about U but to even rekindle a friendship like ours would lead to my destruction. 

I know to you that statement hurts but she is revealing truth.  Its not passive aggressive.  They will warn you and if you don't heed those warnings believe me they will do everything in there power to make that statement come true.

[Johnny Alias]

It's a hard one to be sure... .

When you say goodbye to a lover, you're often saying goodbye to a best friend. 

I got a double whammy as my best guy friend of 20 years DIED out of nowhere right after I broke up with my exBPDgf. 

The two people I spoke the most to in the world were gone.  Like that. 

I tried to reestablish my friendship at least with the BPD as I was reeling but she didn't care... . and I mean AT ALL.  She later attacked one of her oldest friends of 15 year for no reason whatsover and broke up that relationship with little remorse.  Not a care in the world. 

Once you're painted black you're as disposable as kleenex and no amount of reasoning or rationality will convince them otherwise.  To do so has the potential for them to admit they did something wrong... . AND THEY CANNOT DO THIS.  EVER.  If they ever do apologize its because they fear they will lose narcissitic supply... .

Turn to your real friends.  The ones that told you she's bad for you.  Really.  They want to help you.  Hang in there.