3rd person in your relationship

[Moonie75]

My uBPDex had children from her previous relationship. The father of those children was a total enabler to her disorder & would jump through any hoop she threw him! Basically he would have her back tomorrow & she knew it, and played him like a good'n.

She'd have him sort something out that I hadn't even been told about, then hit me over the head with having to get **** to sort it because I hadn't bothered!

They got on quite well because he did what he was told & he didn't seem to trigger her. Either her feelings had totally stopped for him, or being 100% compliant kept her happy. maybe mix of both? I don't know.

There were many times when she would discuss our relationship with her ex husband & this used to make my blood boil! Yeah discuss your relationship when you need to (we all do sometimes)... But not with your bleedin ex! That stepped over a line for me! There were other incidents with him too which I thought inappropriate or disrespectful to our relationship. Basically regular Triangulation involving the father of the kids.

I used to talk to friends who were in relationships involving an ex still being on the scene in a parenting capacity. They never went through a half of the Triangulation I got pitched in.


Did anyone else regularly get triangulated with the other parent of your BPD's children?

[starshine]

I got triangulated, but with the woman who became my replacement. 

My baby daddy is personality disordered too, so they sort of got along, and sort of didn't. 

I remember saying to my uBPDexbf, "I have one man who is trying to take my kids from me, and another who is trying to push them away from me."  I should've known by the look on his face, that I figured out his big secret.  It was awful. 

[MrFox]

I was triangulated with her "friend".  He seems a lot like your ex's former husband.  Does whatever she wants, takes her moods and rages, even apologizes to her for causing them.  She can walk all over him and he would thank her for the opportunity to be near her.  They are married now.  I almost feel sorry for him.  He is clearly a very wounded person. 

[Moonie75]

I think Triangulation with the person they're lining up for new romance, is so common it's almost a given.

I was asking more about being triangulated with someone from the past. Such as Triangulation with the other parent. A constant playing you off against a person who was a 'constant' in your relationship.

I noticed when I was white the kids dad was black. And when I was painted black he was painted white. This would be when she would discuss our relationship with him, when I was all black. At times of her splitting me black it could be like dealing with a two headed monster!

[Tausk]

Almost everyone one of us has been triangulated.  I sadly, didn't understand the dynamics and played the game for a long time.  The essence of the Disorder is about relationship conflict.   And the in the Disorder Games, the Disorder always wins.

Just in case you have not looked at the Karpman Triangle of Conflict, the link below provides a lot of insight and resources.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

[Perfidy]

We didn't have kids. She was childless. I was used in her new relationship though. She used me as leverage to get him to pull her closer. When I realized my part in this it disgusted me. Her recent engagement with me may have something to do with this. I want no part of her life. Enough madness. Enough pain and sadness. Let me be, I'll live my life happy and free.

[Changingman]

We didn't have kids. She was childless. I was used in her new relationship though. She used me as leverage to get him to pull her closer. When I realized my part in this it disgusted me. Her recent engagement with me may have something to do with this. I want no part of her life. Enough madness. Enough pain and sadness. Let me be, I'll live my life happy and free.

This exactly happened to me, I was used both as the betrayed BF for her filth and an abusive partner so she needed saving. I was in a relationship with a complete stranger? She was in hogs heaven. I wasn't in a RS with the other, there was no story or drama with him. He hid from me, that she could do this for 6+ months while telling me how much she loved me.

Just her warped mind. I decided to not act on anger, get revenge, when I realised it was her dearest wish. Detaching forever was my gift to me. Revenge? He will feel it, she is feeling it.

Disgusting perfidy, just hidious.

[Perfidy]

Understanding my self and why I would even have any attachment to the person that behaves that way is almost beyond comprehension to me. Immediate detachment should have occurred. Probably on more than one occasion.

[Changingman]

Yeah,

We should have left immediately.

We paused, deluding ourselves, we went on hoping.

What could have been, could never have been.

[ShadowDancer]

Yeah,

We should have left immediately.

We paused, deluding ourselves, we went on hoping.

What could have been, could never have been.

But... . and here comes the silver lining... . for me, when another man (boy?) entered the picture (door mat ex bf), we grabbed on to our cahones... . realized the fact of the matter... . and bailed... . to face our own demons... . as whole men.

[Moonie75]

I wouldn't have put up with this more than once with anybody else. But put up with it for years in my last relationship!

I gotta work that out!

[Turkish]

There were many times when she would discuss our relationship with her ex husband & this used to make my blood boil! Yeah discuss your relationship when you need to (we all do sometimes)... But not with your bleedin ex! That stepped over a line for me! There were other incidents with him too which I thought inappropriate or disrespectful to our relationship. Basically regular Triangulation involving the father of the kids.

A r/s with the father of her children is normal. Talking to him abou you and her is crossing the line, and cheating in my book, like what mine did contacting her exBF in Year 1 after we started having trouble.

Now I am the other parent, and I refuse to discuss in any way shape or form her future troubles. I'm a better man than that. I might, however, at some point give permission for a future guy to contact me after their r/s is solidly over, for a de-brief. That's if I like the guy and he's good to my children. Given her pattern of choosing narc man-boys (I was the one break in the pattern), I doubt it will happen for a long time though.

[Moonie75]

Oh yeah I never had any issue with parenting contact.

But anything else fell on dodgy ground with me, and some (a lot) of it was just down right wrong!

[Waifed]

Her best friend.  They would go out together sometimes and she would leave a doubt in my head as to whether they were trolling for guys together.  To this day I don't know if she was or was messing with my head.  Probably a little of both.  I only met her friend once and we all got pretty hammered and her friend stripped down and tried to go down on my ex, then played with a toy while naked while I watched (after my ex went to bed).  Real classy.  This was about the time I had my doubts about my ex and her integrity (lack of!)

[myself]

When she'd split me black/white, it felt as if she was Triangulation me with myself.

The good me, the bad me, and her.

She wanted me to fight myself, feel bad about myself, so she could momentarily feel better.

[ShadowDancer]

Her best friend.  They would go out together sometimes and she would leave a doubt in my head as to whether they were trolling for guys together.  To this day I don't know if she was or was messing with my head.  Probably a little of both.  I only met her friend once and we all got pretty hammered and her friend stripped down and tried to go down on my ex, then played with a toy while naked while I watched (after my ex went to bed).  Real classy.  This was about the time I had my doubts about my ex and her integrity (lack of!)

 Dayum... . me thinks we were at the same party... .

[Waifed]

Her best friend.  They would go out together sometimes and she would leave a doubt in my head as to whether they were trolling for guys together.  To this day I don't know if she was or was messing with my head.  Probably a little of both.  I only met her friend once and we all got pretty hammered and her friend stripped down and tried to go down on my ex, then played with a toy while naked while I watched (after my ex went to bed).  Real classy.  This was about the time I had my doubts about my ex and her integrity (lack of!)

 Dayum... . with friends like that... .

So much for true love. What a ho bag she and her friend are but It sure was fun for 3 years.

[ShadowDancer]

Her best friend.  They would go out together sometimes and she would leave a doubt in my head as to whether they were trolling for guys together.  To this day I don't know if she was or was messing with my head.  Probably a little of both.  I only met her friend once and we all got pretty hammered and her friend stripped down and tried to go down on my ex, then played with a toy while naked while I watched (after my ex went to bed).  Real classy.  This was about the time I had my doubts about my ex and her integrity (lack of!)

 Dayum... . with friends like that... .

So much for true love. What a ho bag she and her friend are but It sure was fun for 3 years.

Yeah friend I was there... . twas fun... . in a nasty funky kind of way... . but then again... . I was drinking thru most of it. In all honesty... . would I do it all over again? I think I could handle it... . don't know about my liver though.

[Waifed]

Lol.  I wasn't drinking a lot but it was lived through the FOG.  It was fun but I am a different person than I was when this thing ended 5 months ago.  I'll stick with the memories and let her continue her whoring.

[buddy1226]

Everything mooney drscribed happened to me. The ex. Father of her kid was there all the time and she would pullhim to mess with me. Talked to him confidentially about us. He would fan her flames when she would start her crap. At first she had him painted black but that changed. He was a huge problem in the r/s. I had to be nice to him and we would even get together and compare notes. He went through the exact same hell I did

This was one of the biggest problems I dealt with in our r/s. Everyone told her it wasn't right. She would set boundaries for a week maybe but then he was right back in the mix. He was creepy too. As if he ws her spy or something. Was always "right around the corner" and needed to stop by to drop this or that off for the kid. We moved to another town and all of a sudden he has a job right around the corner. At the end she really pulled him in. She would wake at 5 am and the first thing I'd her was the pill bottle and her talking to him on the phone. Real sick sh!t... God I wish I would have walked on her sorry ass.

Quick story... I was NC for months after we separated. I called the wife of a dude that I found out she was seeing and dropped the dime sometime in Jan. Well the sh!t hit the fan and Marco, the ex, calls my mom to make me stop... yes he calls my mom... tells her he is 100% certain that we are done. So when she came over last week crying and begging I snapped a shot of us in bed on my phone... guess who I sent it to saying "are you going to call my mom again"... . Yep...


Effing douchbag!

[santa]

With my BPDex it was her dad. He was always making problems between us. When she left, she moved into his house. He's such an idiot too. No one on Earth except her would ever take advice from him.

[ShadowDancer]

Buddy,

        I don't mean to get all up in your grill, but, you are dealing with some seriously sick gamester puppies there. It is exactly situations like yours that can get quickly WAY out of control in a seriously twisted way. Today I personally do not underestimate the stupid or the jealous. Put the two together and you could be barking up a real problem you couldn't possibly imagine. Take it from me... . these people can go totally nuts on ya. Just sayin... .

[buddy1226]

I know shadow. It's already twisted and sick. I sent it two days later when she was back to being mean as hell. I've also had enough of her painting one picture to her family while the truth is completely different. In a way I regret it and in a way I chuckle. I never fought back to her. This was during my recent eff her phase. I'm not taking her sh!t anymore. I'm not keeping her secrets and I'm not going to be her secret.

[ShadowDancer]

Actually Buddy I got a real chuckle out of your sending him the picture and the comment. Although I have found through trail and serious error that there has been times when my pride can be the very thing that places me between the figurative bullet and target... . I'm learning to duck though... .

[Tausk]

Quick story... I was NC for months after we separated. I called the wife of a dude that I found out she was seeing and dropped the dime sometime in Jan. Well the sh!t hit the fan and Marco, the ex, calls my mom to make me stop... yes he calls my mom... tells her he is 100% certain that we are done. So when she came over last week crying and begging I snapped a shot of us in bed on my phone... guess who I sent it to saying "are you going to call my mom again"... . Yep...


Effing douchbag!

It seems to me that you're a third party in the mix now.  

So the Triangulation that caused you pain, you are now inflicting on a multitude of others including your mother?  

And there are children involved in  the middle of all of this.  

Have your evaluated what the potential collateral damage that you are inflicting on them?  Affairs end up in murder/suicides, domestic violence, insane activities.  It's why the police are most careful about these types of situations because the emotions get out of hand.  And with pwBPD, and their partners, exes and kids, the potential for real violence and damage is very real.  Maybe your added insanity to the mix is the tipping point that drives the kids into a cycle of violence and destruction as well.  

I don't understand how your posts demonstrates detachment and depersonalization.   We are supposedly the sane ones.  The ones without the Disorder.  The ones who have the capacity for remorse and are able to take responsibility for our actions.  What responsibility do we have toward the effect of our actions on children caught in the middle of the crossfire.  And why bring your mother into this?

So when you say effing douchebag (sp?),  who exactly are you referring to?

[buddy1226]

I'm not sure my post was clear. I'm married to her. We separated and were NC for months. The relationship was hell and triangulated with her ex. He is like her partner in crime. No romance there and I'm certain of this. His goal is to hold her back in any relationship by just being around.

SO her called my mom after I found out about the married guy. Told her she and I would never be together again. And why was he calling btw... Anyway... She came running to me last week. I sent the pic to him a day or so later after she went back to doing her usual antics while playing to him and her family as if she had never talked to me and I'm the bad guy. The kid? Not involved in the least and another reason for the pic was to let the dad know he needs custody. She is a wreck. the message also said something to that effect. The kid is 5 and has no clue. Deserves better.

[buddy1226]

He called my mom, that is... and the douchebag comment was directed at him. Look, I never said it was proud of it. I am glad I let them know what she's doing and I'm NC again. And yes I'm sick too or else I wouldnt be here. I hurt all day, every day over this mess.

[Tausk]

He called my mom, that is... and the douchebag comment was directed at him. Look, I never said it was proud of it. I am glad I let them know what she's doing and I'm NC again. And yes I'm sick too or else I wouldnt be here. I hurt all day, every day over this mess.

I understand the hurt and the pain.  It hits as deeply as being stabbed with a knife.  We understand on the board.  The anger, betrayal, terror, and lack of any sense in the matter.  

It's a Disorder.

The feelings are neutral. Whatever they are, they are.  The best advise I was given, is try and respond in a mindful way.  A way that stops the destruction, at least from my end.  

That will help me to detach and heal the best.  :)estructive responses just lead me deeper into the abyss of the Disorder.  And I have to decide if want to leave that Disorder.  Many partners never get out.

Get to the gym, do physical labor until you can't move, see a therapist, vent on the board, keep posting,... .

BE SAFE.

In support, I understand the pain, I swear I do.  I still feel it everyday.

T

[buddy1226]

It's like I've been in fight back mode. All that she did was unfathomable. I've yet to read about the amount of destruction done here. not that i;m trying to make my problem bigger than anyone else's... I'm not. I signed up and stayed around for it. It didn't just happen over night.

But you're right. I need to be mindful of my responses and I feel I have been. I love her child and he's never been in the middle or anything like that. It's almost as if I've embraced this anger mode to move me forward.

I appreciate your words. I need to be called out on my stuff when I'm lut of line. That's why I post.

[Tausk]

It's like I've been in fight back mode. All that she did was unfathomable. I've yet to read about the amount of destruction done here. not that i;m trying to make my problem bigger than anyone else's... I'm not. I signed up and stayed around for it. It didn't just happen over night.

But you're right. I need to be mindful of my responses and I feel I have been. I love her child and he's never been in the middle or anything like that. It's almost as if I've embraced this anger mode to move me forward.

I appreciate your words. I need to be called out on my stuff when I'm lut of line. That's why I post.

No judgements at all, but from what I see you're doing great.  Just the post above is insightfulness from a person with capacity to reflect, grow and be responsible.  

Sadly, that above is light years beyond what our exes can do.  I hope that you can let what you wrote above be evidence that you have the right to expect recovery for yourself and that things will be better.

We're here.  Keep posting and venting.  No one else can really validate our experiences, but those on the board understand.

Be safe, and I will keep in you in my thoughts to find moments of peace.  They will come.

T