How were Valentines Days with your ex?

[dansure]

Hey guys,

I think like many of you I'm triggered by the valentines day these days... .

I reached a stage where I almost didn't think about her anymore. But when I see all my friends now planning surprises for their gfs for valentines day I feel lonely and apparently I confuse that feeling with missing her.

But then I remember the valentines day from last year where I was still with my ex. Well without much details: we ended up fighting and it actually really wasn't a nice day.

How were you valentines days with your exBPDs?

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPD/NPDew served him with divorce papers on Valentine's Day.  Nice!

[BorisAcusio]

I travelled hours to be with her on that day, left a friend in trouble and she wasn't even happy. Quite the contrary, mean  and drunk.

[NoCRV]

Mine woke up in a rage and I left.  Her rages were usually when she was drunk or the next morning but Valentines Day seem to be a trigger all in itself.  She sent a text later apologizing and the flowers I had already ordered arrived after.  We spliced out the fight part and moved on.  I would pay to see how this Valentines Day morning goes with the recycled ex.

[Waifed]

I cannot remember Valentines Day with her except the last year.  She received flowers from a friend, .   It is probably a trigger for them because they have so many choices of who to spend it with and at the same time worry about the ones they don't choose finding out!

[Moonie75]

Best described quickly as, 'the worst four Valentines days I've ever lived through'.

[Turkish]

First one, pretty normal. We weren't living together, had only been dating/hanging out for three months. In an actual r/s (which she defines as sleeping with someone) for a few weeks. It was like a normal dinner date. She had some excuse to not sleep together that night, when she was normally the one who usually initiated intimacy. I wasn't sure if it was real, but I accepted it.

Second? Ruined because my cool idea of taking a motorcycle learning class together, and she didn't pass. She was not the only one, but the only BPD. She was also still angry at me for "letting" her stay on bc pills when they caused her discomfort (like I forced them down her throat). So I got a lot of flack that weekend for that. The funny thing is that she said the same thing happened with a previous bf, so why did she repeat this pattern when she knew what would happen? Now she's "fixed" so she can have all of the unprotected sex she wants with whomever forever... . until the next STD... .

Anyway, after the class ended, she Went into a deep despair, crying, devaluation of herself when we got home. The other three? Not memorable enough to remember. I always felt it a burden anyhow. She was a horrible gift giver, and mostly kind of thoughtless below the surface since she was so entitled to being taken care of. The Queen tendencies.

[Mutt]

How were you valentines days with your exBPDs?

Always a deal breaker and I cringed when Valentines Day was approaching. Anything that I ever did, wasn't done right or wasn't enough.

She was with her paramour last year and it was a couple of weeks before she was leaving and she said "Mutt this year we don't have to celebrate Valentine's"  PHEW! is what came to mind.

So much stress with Valentine's Day and her and I'm looking forward to another year alone.  

[love4meNOTu]

yea VDay was the beginning of the end for me. That's the day when he yelled at me in public, called me "ungrateful". I was exhausted, and I didn't want to do what he wanted me to do. Yet another day where he completely disregarded the things I said to him... like "I don't think I want to do this right now, I am exhausted".

In my mind I had enough. Enough of his abuse. Good god the man didn't care about me at all. I can't believe I thought that man loved me.

We separated a couple of months later. This year is going to be soo much better!

L

[MrFox]

The one Valentine we should have spent together, we didn't because it was during our second break up.  I'm pretty sure she didn't spend it alone.

[Moonie75]

My ex was generous & seemed to select gifts with thought & care. But there was another side to her giving... . She seemed to get excited about whatever gift she had bought me for birthday, xmas, valentines or whatever. She'd tease me in the run up that i was going to love my present & how much she  was looking forward to me opening it. I sincerely believe this was genuine too!

Then, eventually with incredible predictability, she would 'create' just before hand. The evnt would be ruined, with me often not receiving the gift until the dust had settled days later. I don't remember opening many gifts on the actual intended day!

During rages, devaluations & break ups, everything she'd bought me would be brought up & used against me. I often thought (but never said), 'Moonie lad, she only gives what she can take away!'

We spent two of the last four valentines in break up periods with me having gone NC. She's generally not one for reaching out in NC, but she found convoluted reasons to contact me on both valentines we were broken up. But never mentioning the special day & contact from her was like it was any other day & about some superficial nonsense. (one year it was returning a coat to me. The other year it was asking if I had a mutual friends new number).

Basically any calender date that symbolizes 'love' triggers her big time & acting out starts two or three days before hand. Always my fault though, naturally!  

The new dude with the fifty thousand pound motor will probably take her to some uber expensive elite restaurant & order bottles of wine that cost more than she makes in a week!

Triggering to someone with no self worth, unstable emotions & no understanding of loving reciprocation?

Good luck with that mate!

[Moonie75]

The one Valentine we should have spent together, we didn't because it was during our second break up.  I'm pretty sure she didn't spend it alone.

So am I

[numbr3]

Valentines day was our anniversary(we had 20) so it is a double whammy for me.  I block out the words on every calendar!

Most years we would go away for the weekend.  I always did all the planning.  Bought all the stuff,  champagne, sexy outfits, presents, etc.  We usually ended up in some sort of stupid fight that ruined it all.  It started on our honeymoon so what should I have expected?

When we were divorcing and he was packing up he handed me a package and said "I got this as your anniversary present a few years ago and we had a fight so I didn't give it to you."  :)on't you think he could have apologized and had a do over,  he just blew it off.

Every year it was stressful wondering and waiting for it to be ruined by him.

I hope he disregulates with his new wife this year.

[Mutt]

This year is going to be soo much better!

Amen to that love4meNOTu 

[dansure]

Wow and I thought only my valentines day with my ex sucked.

I opened this threat for all the people who are getting triggered by this day and feel down these days... . well for all of you and for myself: Even if you would be still together with your ex, you would probably just spend a horrible day with him or her! Try to keep this in mind when you get emotional about your ex these days.

PS: our valentines day ended with one of our 100 break ups that we had during the year that we were dating.

[Mutt]

Wow and I thought only my valentines day with my ex sucked.

I opened this threat for all the people who are getting triggered by this day and feel down these days... . well for all of you and for myself: Even if you would be still together with your ex, you would probably just spend a horrible day with him or her! Try to keep this in mind when you get emotional about your ex these days.

PS: our valentines day ended with one of our 100 break ups that we had during the year that we were dating.

I had started thinking about Valentine's Day a couple of days ago and wondered how I'm going to feel as it got closer. I did think about the ex and the replacement and how they are going to spend it together, but that thought lasted about a nano-second.

Your thread was a chance for me to vent and it's comforting to see that I'm not alone with the experiences that I had with the ex.

Instead of trying to ignore this holiday, this thread actually made me acknowledge it and vent, thanks dansure 

[love4meNOTu]

Honestly? I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend any holiday with my exhusband.

My kids and I have got it made now. When I come home I have peace. No one is shouting at me and calling me disgusting names, and making me feel like a piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe.

Alone is wayyyy better than being abused. I don't even mind being lonely sometimes, I call a friend.

Hugs,

L

[MrFox]

The one Valentine we should have spent together, we didn't because it was during our second break up.  I'm pretty sure she didn't spend it alone.

So am I

She did, however, do her best to find out what I was doing on that day.  Seemed very interested in whether or not I was doing anything with anyone.  I'll admit that I was purposefully vague as a way of revenge.  Let her mind do most of the work for me.  Yes, it was not very adult of me, but also somewhat satisfying.

[buddy1226]

We had only one together. Had been married 19 days and it was terrible. she fought all evening. I gave gifts and put much thought into it. She gave me nothing but a bunch of borderline craziness.

[santa]

Last Valentine's Day was one of the best days of my life. It was really awesome. The two before that, I don't remember.

[Pinoypride18]

Last year my ex gave me a heart shaped chocolate cake. And although i loved the gesture i am really not a dessert person, and to have the obligation to finish it was hell. She has known me for 3 years by then and should have known i would rather have a sandwich than a cake. Then she had made me a card with pictures that had things like "i love you like a hit_ loves hit". I loved that she put in an effort to come see me though.

I forgot what i gave her, i think flowers, a card, and something i made for her. Not the most extravagant gift but a lot of thought and effort.

But now looking back, all that was BS, especially her loving me. Now she is acting the same way with the replacement. It is weird... .

And although seeing all this love in the air and everyone around me doing valentines things makes me sad that i dont have that anymore. It makes me happy that i will have that again one day. Maybe not as soon as i would like. But i know the next person will be a step up from my ex.

[findingmyselfagain]

Our first Valentine's weekend was the weekend I gave up my virginity to her. She was still on the "love high" then. It was only a few weeks from our first date. She had already bought me some gifts, and the Valentine's gift seemed like a nice gesture at the time. We had a nice weekend and spent most of the weekend together. There was little hint of the chaos to come. Within just 2 weeks, she was yelling at me for the "worst date we ever had" when I had had a long day at work and fighting traffic to meet her. Though Valentine's was relatively amazing, I always had to just love her gifts, but I was typically accused of "ulterior motives" on her birthday or other days. I can only imagine a second Valentine's would have gone a lot differently. Probably triggering her.

I realize now what a hurt person she is. I hope one day she hits rock bottom and gets help. It will probably never happen. Nearly all of our stories seem like sad love stories almost. We want to love them, and generally offer them a lot, but relationships are just much more difficult for those with attachment disorders. The question for us is why did we chose someone so difficult to love?

I'm spending this Valentine with someone I've been moving much slower with. We all have our baggage, but I don't see why this one couldn't work out. I'm just taking my time. That's a boundary I could have used before I met my pwBPD, but better to learn the lesson later than not at all.

[Moonie75]

Losing your virginity to the sexual demands of a pwBPD?

Holy $hit if that ain't a baptism of fire, I don't know what is!

[findingmyselfagain]

I don't know if "trial by fire" even comes close to it. I always wanted to save myself for my wife, but she seemed absolutely devastated when I turned her down. Sympathy and guilt were her biggest hooks for me. Most of our biggest arguments happened over sex, and those were some of her biggest triggers. When she wanted it, she had to have it instantly, even if I was tired. But if she was tired or had a stressful week, I may as well have been dealing with ice. It's been nearly 4 years, and I can't imagine what a marriage to her would have been like, though it probably would have been very short-term as well. I hope someday she finds herself. It's kind of sad how many broken people are out there now. My boundaries are much better. I date a lot slower.