Why do i feel like i still need to be the white knight

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me and my uBPDexgf broke up a few months ago. We have been back to NC for a few weeks now.

After reading around the forums here and doing additional research, i feel bad after the way we broke up. I attacked her verbally, telling her all her flaws, what is wrong with her, how she treated me horribly, even accused her of having BPD which i know she has.

But after doing research, i know that these people are like children. They do not know how to regulate their emotions. They are suffering inside but it is not their fault entirely. I feel like i was kicking a kid while they were down. Yes i know it is the disorder that has made them do and feel certain ways. But they don't really know any better. To them they are doing for them what it takes to survive.

Me being the people pleaser, feel like taking all the blame that she has projected onto me for the break up. Why do i have the feeling of taking the higher road and and accepting the blame, just so she can feel less guilty for the break up.

Don't get me wrong i want to so badly tell her how horrible she is and wish all the bad things onto her. But i don't feel right about further damaging someone already damaged.

Yes i know i should just stay away from her and go NC but deep down i don't like seeing others suffer even if they made me suffer. Im sure they already feel horrible inside. I just don't want to further damage her inner child. And i feel like taking the blame just so someone, even if they are childlike inside, feel better about themselves and feel less horrible.

[Pinoypride18]

Me and my uBPDexgf broke up a few months ago. We have been back to NC for a few weeks now.

After reading around the forums here and doing additional research, i feel bad after the way we broke up. I attacked her verbally, telling her all her flaws, what is wrong with her, how she treated me horribly, even accused her of having BPD which i know she has.

But after doing research, i know that these people are like children. They do not know how to regulate their emotions. They are suffering inside but it is not their fault entirely. I feel like i was kicking a kid while they were down. Yes i know it is the disorder that has made them do and feel certain ways. But they don't really know any better. To them they are doing for them what it takes to survive.

Me being the people pleaser, feel like taking all the blame that she has projected onto me for the break up. Why do i have the feeling of taking the higher road and and accepting the blame, just so she can feel less guilty for the break up.

Don't get me wrong i want to so badly tell her how horrible she is and wish all the bad things onto her. But i don't feel right about further damaging someone already damaged.

Yes i know i should just stay away from her and go NC but deep down i don't like seeing others suffer even if they made me suffer. Im sure they already feel horrible inside. I just don't want to further damage her inner child. And i feel like taking the blame just so someone, even if they are childlike inside, feel better about themselves and feel less horrible.

[musicfan42]

What about your inner child?

How do you feel right now Pinoypride18?

[blur]

Hi pride.

I understand that feeling of wanting things to be better so bad, to want her happy that you'll take the blame just to get past it.

In doing so I was sweeping my real emotions and the real problems under the rug. I think it has to do with the way they made us feel in the beginning, the "honeymoon phase" I like to call it. Ohh man it was good times right? Never has a woman been THAT into you and sex was awesome right?

   Yeah those feelings don't last long and they never come back around.

   If I had it to do over I would stand on what I believed to be right and fair. I wouldn't neglect her true feelings so she shouldn't neglect mine.

Don't know if that helps any, but it's how my relationship played out.

Good luck.

[Perfidy]

Pinoypride, your concerns are legitimate. I see how no contact in your case would be the best thing for both. You already know you can't help her and its causing discomfort for you. The gift that gives. I also know how hard it is. Even with no contact the wheels still turn and you can't just flip a switch and make it go away. It will go away though. Slowly, like a flame dying. At first you'll feel the heat and see the flame. Then only a few embers and still heat. The embers stop glowing and you can still feel some heat but see a little puff of smoke once in a while. Then it cools completely. We're human. If it weren't like that we wouldn't be human. Every time you have contact you stir the coals.

[Mutt]

Don't get me wrong i want to so badly tell her how horrible she is and wish all the bad things onto her. But i don't feel right about further damaging someone already damaged.

It's OK to feel compassion. I feel compassion for my ex as well and I understand that it's a serious disorder. I don't view her as all black, but I also know that I cannot help her. She has to help herself.

[Pinoypride18]

musicfan42, my inner child has too much empathy. Even when i was little i would always try to put myself in others shoes. I guess it was my way of also trying to see how others saw me. Now that i am older and have researched BPD i can't help but see through her view. And even though i don't completely understand i still feel sorry. Somehow i feel like since i have been her longest relationship and have been around her enough to know that i feel i should somehow help her come to terms with her disorder. But of course i know that they don't take any criticism easily.

blur, yeah it seemed like i wouldn't find a women like her again, so into me and willing to do anything in bed. But i realize now that the person i fell in love with was not really there. She showed me someone she thought i would like. And that the real her is not there or is just a child.

at the rest, thanks for the advise. but i think it is all her, especially now that we have broken up. it is her problem to fix. it is just hard completely not caring for someone you spent years caring and looking out after their well being.

[Octoberfest]

Breaking up with and letting go of my BPDexgf was like trying to rip a piece of my soul out and throw it away.  I tried and failed MANY times. Ultimately it didn't happen until I was ready.  And even after that, NC failed time after time because I wasn't ready for it.  I firmly believe that trying to go NC before you are ready is only torturing yourself further.

I identify with your need to be the white knight. It was a trap I fell into, hard.  I heard all about the, at 21 years old, awful life my BPDex had had up to that point, all of her prior boyfriends (and her fiance, who turned out to have been her husband actually) who had abused her, sexually, physically, and mentally, how she had been abandoned by her father, her rocky family life, how she had been raped, etc (much of this turned out to be lies, although I have no idea just how far how the lies go).  My heart opened up to her and I made it my task to take care of her... . to show her something better.  To fix the broken wings of the bird I had found. Unknowingly, it became my purpose.  By fixing her, by taking care of her, I was giving myself value, I was proving that I was worth something... . Anyone who has ever loved a pwBPD knows what a trap that is. When your self-worth rides on fixing a largely unfixable person, you are doomed.  

Pinoypride, I think you are still feeling a duty to be that white knight because you aren't fully ready to let go.  Which is ok, we all go through a process.  :)on't ever take your compassion for a sign of weakness; on the contrary, it is a sign of strength. We just put our trust and love in the hands of the wrong people.

[santa]

This topic really resonates with me. I said terrible things to my ex.

The reality is that she said terrible things to me too though. It works both ways. You can't constantly position yourself to where you're their caretaker. When they do things against you, you are allowed to be mad about it. You don't have to constantly protect their fragile psyche even to your own detriment.