How to invalidate someone in a conversation - yuck

[Depression = 72% of members]

Having been brought up like this, makes it more likely you will have these traits; very harmful to a childs development of self esteem &/or your marriage, you may not even realize you do it because you mean well.

Eyeopener?

20 Ways you can emotionally invalidate someone:

1. Ordering the person to feel differently

Cheer up.

Don’t cry.

Don’t worry.

Don’t be sad.

Stop whining.

2. Ordering the person to “look” differently

Don’t look so sad.

Don’t look so smug.

Don’t look so down.

Don’t look like that.

Don’t make that face.

3. Denying the person’s perception, defending

But of course I respect you.

But I do listen to you.

That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)

I was only kidding.

I honestly don’t judge you as much as you think.

4. Trying to make the person feel guilty While invalidating

I tried to help you.

At least I…

At least you…

You are making everyone else miserable.

You just won’t accept anyone’s help.

5. Trying to Isolate

You are the only one who feels that way.

It doesn’t bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

No one else feels that way.

Nobody has a problem with it except you.

6. Minimizing the feelings

You must be kidding.

It can’t be that bad.

Your life can’t be that bad.

You are just … (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)

It’s nothing to get upset over.

7. Using reason

There is no reason to get upset.

You are not being rational.

But it doesn’t make any sense to feel that way.

Let’s look at the facts.

But if you really think about it…

8. Debating

I don’t always do that.

It’s not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

I didn’t say that!

That’s not what I meant.

9. Judging & labeling

You are a cry baby.

You have a problem.

You are too sensitive.

You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.

You are way too emotional.

10. Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.

You are blowing this way out of proportion.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

11. Trying to get the person to question himself/herself

What is your problem?

What’s wrong with you?

What’s the matter with you?

Why can’t you just get over it?

Can’t you take a joke?

12. Telling the person how he/she “Should” Feel or Act

You should be excited.

You should be thrilled.

You should feel guilty.

You should feel thankful.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

13. Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.

I am sure she didn’t mean it like that.

You just took it wrong.

I am sure she means well.

14. Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn’t true.

You don’t mean that.

You don’t really mean that.

You are just… (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

15. Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?

What did you think? The world was created to serve you?

What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

16. Laying Guilt Trips

Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

What about my feelings?

Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

17. Philosophizing Or Cliches

Time heals all wounds.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Life is full of pain and pleasure.

When you are older you will understand.

You are just going through a phase.

It is what it is.

18. Talking about the person when she can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.

You can’t say anything to her.

She’s such a…

19. Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.

This is getting really pathetic.

I am sick of hearing about it.

20. Making it about you

When I feel that way, I…

You think you have it bad? I once…

Do you ever think about me?

What about my feelings/needs?

That’s nothing. I had it much worse when…

[StarStruck]

Having been brought up like this, makes it more likely you will have these traits; very harmful to a childs development of self esteem &/or your marriage, you may not even realize you do it because you mean well.

Eyeopener?

20 Ways you can emotionally invalidate someone:

1. Ordering the person to feel differently

Cheer up.

Don’t cry.

Don’t worry.

Don’t be sad.

Stop whining.

2. Ordering the person to “look” differently

Don’t look so sad.

Don’t look so smug.

Don’t look so down.

Don’t look like that.

Don’t make that face.

3. Denying the person’s perception, defending

But of course I respect you.

But I do listen to you.

That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)

I was only kidding.

I honestly don’t judge you as much as you think.

4. Trying to make the person feel guilty While invalidating

I tried to help you.

At least I…

At least you…

You are making everyone else miserable.

You just won’t accept anyone’s help.

5. Trying to Isolate

You are the only one who feels that way.

It doesn’t bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

No one else feels that way.

Nobody has a problem with it except you.

6. Minimizing the feelings

You must be kidding.

It can’t be that bad.

Your life can’t be that bad.

You are just … (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)

It’s nothing to get upset over.

7. Using reason

There is no reason to get upset.

You are not being rational.

But it doesn’t make any sense to feel that way.

Let’s look at the facts.

But if you really think about it…

8. Debating

I don’t always do that.

It’s not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

I didn’t say that!

That’s not what I meant.

9. Judging & labeling

You are a cry baby.

You have a problem.

You are too sensitive.

You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.

You are way too emotional.

10. Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.

You are blowing this way out of proportion.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

11. Trying to get the person to question himself/herself

What is your problem?

What’s wrong with you?

What’s the matter with you?

Why can’t you just get over it?

Can’t you take a joke?

12. Telling the person how he/she “Should” Feel or Act

You should be excited.

You should be thrilled.

You should feel guilty.

You should feel thankful.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

13. Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.

I am sure she didn’t mean it like that.

You just took it wrong.

I am sure she means well.

14. Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn’t true.

You don’t mean that.

You don’t really mean that.

You are just… (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

15. Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?

What did you think? The world was created to serve you?

What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

16. Laying Guilt Trips

Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

What about my feelings?

Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

17. Philosophizing Or Cliches

Time heals all wounds.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Life is full of pain and pleasure.

When you are older you will understand.

You are just going through a phase.

It is what it is.

18. Talking about the person when she can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.

You can’t say anything to her.

She’s such a…

19. Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.

This is getting really pathetic.

I am sick of hearing about it.

20. Making it about you

When I feel that way, I…

You think you have it bad? I once…

Do you ever think about me?

What about my feelings/needs?

That’s nothing. I had it much worse when…

[Octoberfest]

Jeez, is there any way TO talk to someone? 

[Sitara]

I've heard pretty much every one on that list.  However, I do think there are a few in there that can be used if it's used by someone who is genuinely trying to help you.

Time heals all wounds. can be used to sympathize, like, hey it's rough but I've been there and it eventually gets easier.

Every cloud has a silver lining. when you're trying to help someone who's constantly focusing on the negative, like, hey, I know it's bad but look at it this way.

Life is full of pain and pleasure. can be used as a way to connect like, life has its ups and downs and I've been there too.

When I feel that way, I… like hey I've been in that same situation and this is what worked for me.

So I guess I'm saying that it can depend on the way it's said. If you find a way to connect or validate feelings first, then people will be more receptive to hearing you. Try to be sympathetic and understanding instead of accusing.

[Contradancer]

Always listen patiently. Always pause before saying anything to assess if what you want to say is meant to harm or help. Always speak respectfully.

It's not that tough to have a conversation. It just takes more diplomacy if you're not going to make the conversation about your comfort or opinion.

[StarStruck]

Jeez, is there any way TO talk to someone? 

Yeah feels like that in practice Octoberfest !

So I guess I'm saying that it can depend on the way it's said. If you find a way to connect or validate feelings first, then people will be more receptive to hearing you. Try to be sympathetic and understanding instead of accusing.

Sitara yes, I should imagine if you validate the Philosophical ones first that would be ok that it would revalidate them?

Always listen patiently. Always pause before saying anything to assess if what you want to say is meant to harm or help. Always speak respectfully.

It's not that tough to have a conversation. It just takes more diplomacy if you're not going to make the conversation about your comfort or opinion.

Clear advice Contradancer, interesting way to put it

[redroom]

I automatically go to #7 when I deal with certain people.  But I always feel that I come across as a robot ("That must be awful." "You must have felt sad." "That's horrible!" when I do use validation.  If it were with a child, I'd be happy to do this, but it's very trying when you're dealing with an adult (albeit one with the maturity of a kiddo), and I worry that it doesn't come across as genuine.  I feel like a machine sometimes.  

Edited to add:  Here's number 7, using reason.

7. Using reason

There is no reason to get upset.

You are not being rational.

But it doesn’t make any sense to feel that way.

Let’s look at the facts.

But if you really think about it…

OK, looking back at it, I only use the fourth one, let's look at the facts.  Sometimes I'll do the last one.  The first three sound pretty accusing!  But I'll try to make more sense of the situation (e.g. ":)id Kevin say that?  Or did Michelle say that Kevin said that?"  "There are a million ways that Lola could have meant that.  Maybe she was tired, perhaps?"

[lucyhoneychurch]

I'm not sure it's on the list, but when I hear this, after working up my belly to explain or ask or tell why I am hurt about something, really laid it out... .

the other person says, "All I said was... . "

and then repeats basically the same crappy comment that got my knickers in a knot to start with. After I have just said why it felt TO ME unfair or whatever.

"I don't see what the big deal is."

And a shrug or hand gestures that intensify the lack of insight... .

If you are physically around a person, too, your body says all kinds of things that can shut a person down - arms crossed, legs crossed with one foot impatiently swinging, facial expressions or looking away like you have lost interest... .

I know I work at making my body seem as interested as the words I am trying to formulate when I can see someone is troubled.

It has to match or it's so insincere... . and I know how much it hurts me when I get mixed signals about a friend's or loved one's time for me.

See my Valentine's Day post ... . I just want to know I matter!