JMS
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 24
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« on: February 13, 2014, 03:02:24 PM » |
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I'm new on the board, my wife hasn't been diagnosed, but I'm quite certain that she has NPD and after reading here and and conversing with Scallops and Turkish (thanks to both of you), BPD.
Sorry if this sounds kind of rambling or bouncing around, I'm writing this as notes as things come to mind.
And I hope this isn't too graphic for some (no details, just general descriptions).
She's an only child and when I met her, she lived at home with her parents. She had a younger boyfriend that she had been with for 4+ years (and her first and only to that point, according to her), but told me that she was ready to break up with him. If she had ever cheated on him, she didn't tell me.
Even after she had broken up with him, she was still stringing him along, not telling him that she had a new boyfriend. I finally told her to tell him about us and it took me physically throwing her out of my room to convince her that I was serious, at which point she finally told him.
She had been talking to me on the phone and started coming to see me and go places with me for at least a month before she broke up with him. When he would call her, she would lie about where she was and who she was with, even after breaking up with him, until she told him about me.
The sex started early and was frequent. She told me that her and her ex had sex a lot, and they had done a lot of "different" things (in the car while he was driving, taping themselves, etc.).
We then broke up about a year later for a few months (because of her attitude) and within a week of that, she started dating another guy from my unit and they were quickly having sex (by her admission).
When we started talking about getting back together, it was similar to with her first ex, we talked and saw each other for a while before she broke it off with the other guy and she didn't tell him about it.
When we got back together, I (probably stupidly) asked her about their "relationship" and I specifically asked her if she had done things for him that she had refused to do for me and she said yes without hesitation.
She also told me (she volunteered this) that they had gone to a club and she started drinking. She then pulled him into the womens bathroom and into a stall (and claims nothing happened there). Then, on the way home, she stripped down naked in the car, right in front of two other people sitting in the back seat, and tried to engage in an act with her boyfriend while he was driving.
She has always sworn that she would be and has been faithful to me (while being jealous and occasionally accusatory, even though I've never cheated), but I have also been deployed for a total of almost three years since we've been together and I spent over 4 years working mid-shift at a job that was two+ hours away, so there was a lot of time that I wasn't home early on in our marriage and we lived over 2 hours from her parents house (her first time being alone like that).
Occasionally, her behavior towards me gave me a weird feeling that something wasn't right, and the possibility of her cheating started bothering me, but I have never had any evidence that she ever has. When I got that feeling, the particular act I asked her about before would come to mind.
The subject of her doing the particular "act" with the other guy came up twice since I asked her about it.
The first time, when I mentioned that she said it, she told me that she didn't really do it, that she just said she did to hurt me.
The second time, when I mentioned it, she said that she never said she did it and that she would never say anything like that to me. Even after I insisted that she said it, she still swore that she never said it (one of those times where I went "Am I crazy? Wait, no... . ".
After the initial relationship, our sex life has remained reasonably active, with her frequently being the one to initiate, but there have been occasions where, as I mentioned, she suddenly changed and something didn't seem right, but I had no proof of anything. Then, she would get active with me again.
One thing that she said to me early on that stood out as kind of odd to me (and probably should have been another red flag for me) was that she "loved" doing a specific thing, not that she loved doing it with me, just that she loved doing it.
Since we've been married, she says she still loves doing it, but I practically have to beg her to do it and if she does it at my request, she puts no effort into it, but when she initiates it, she really gets into it.
As it stands now, we ride into work together most of the time (at her insistence), she doesn't really have any friends outside of work and doesn't really go out. However, in the few times that she has gone out with her work friends, she insists that she doesn't want me to go (and I generally didn't push the issue because I wanted her to get out more).
So, I know she's not out having all-nighters, but she sees a lot of people at work (day care center), so she sees the single fathers and there are several young guys, usually in or about to start college, that work there and they change regularly.
While she claims to love me more than anything, she spends a good bit of time telling me about how everybody is smarter, makes more money, etc., etc.
In the last year or so, every time we come home from work, she insists on immediately taking a shower and we have been getting quite a few hang-up calls.
My wife doesn't drink (with the one exception that I'm aware of), smoke or do drugs, so no addictions, but when she gets going sexually, she gets going. She's very attractive and she has a personality that charms everybody who meets her.
So, with her lying to her then-boyfriend, her quick jump to the new boyfriend while we were apart, her willingness to quickly engage in sexual relations with me and her other boyfriends, lying about what she said and now finding out that sex with other men as a "coping mechanism" (for lack of a better term) is not uncommon with BPDs, does she seem like she would be more prone to cheating?
I know it's just as likely that she's never strayed, and I hope that's case, but I want to get some opinions from those who have been through this as to whether her behavior rings any bells or matches behaviors seen when others have been caught cheating.
She's pregnant now and, as irritating as she can be to deal with, I do love her and I'm figuring out how to "tame the beast" so to speak (although she hasn't had a big blow-up since I connected the possible NPD/BPD), so I'm going to be with her for at least the next couple of years.
I certainly don't need any more problems to worry about, I just want an outside opinion on where this needs to go on the list of priorities.
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