does he even have BPD?- confused and self-doubting

[tango1492]

I'm having a lot of doubt. I don't know if it's the fact that some of that bad is just fading from my memory or not. Does my undiagnosed ex bf even have BPD?

When I think of the good times and the good things about him, I find it hard to believe he's BPD. PhD, good career, nice family, lots of good friends. He was financially helpful to me, the sex was good throughout the relationship, he was very loving and adoring at times, he was good to my son.

On the other hand, he drank daily, he yelled at me, he insulted me, he told me he hated me sometimes, but other times he told me that he worshiped me and that I was like a "God" to him. Although sex was good, he had major sexual issues-- a lot of push/pull stuff with liking our intense sexual connection but then criticizing me for being so sexual. He asked me all the time to promise him I'd never leave him. He told me he once had a therapist who told him anytime he's in a relationship he needs to be in therapy. He often awoke from nightmares in which he'd dreamed that I'd left him or cheated on him and he'd wake up completely freaked out and needing me to reassure him that I'd never leave.

When we split up, he did make some comments about how he pushes away everyone he loves the most, how all his relationships ultimately end the same, and how our relationship and it's dysfunction was similar to his other relationships.

Yet I know there have been other relationships he's been in where he's not very passionate about or in love with the woman he's dating, and in those relationships, there is no major drama or fighting.

Does every borderline relationship have major dysfunction? Because my ex uBPD boyfriend told me that he is considering being with someone that he's not very passionate about just so that he can get married and have a family without having all the drama. It's basically impossible for him to be stable when he's really in love.

Does anyone have input?

[seeking balance]

Does every borderline relationship have major dysfunction? Because my ex uBPD boyfriend told me that he is considering being with someone that he's not very passionate about just so that he can get married and have a family without having all the drama. It's basically impossible for him to be stable when he's really in love.

Does anyone have input?

This bolded part kind up sums up BPD in a nutshell.  BPD is an attachment issue only seen in intimate/close relationships that can trigger real or perceived abandonment issues.

They do all tend to have high conflict until the pwbd learns coping tools and the non learns communication tools.

Even if he is not textbook diagnosed BPD - it certainly sounds like he has traits.  Since you know him, take a look at article 2 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

What rings true based on your experience?

[winston72]

Hello Tango!

May I ask you what it is that you are doubting?  Are you doubting your diagnosis of him?  Or, are you doubting how you felt in the relationship?  Would it change your experience with him, or your ability to continue with him if someone gave you a definitive diagnosis?

As I ask you these questions, I should note that I ask myself the same question about my ex.  For me, if I thought she was not BPD, than I would be more hopeful that there could be a future.  If she was definitely BPD, than I would feel better about the loss of the relationship.  And, these are reasonable thoughts... . but what they subordinate are my feelings about what actually happened.  The focus for me to move forward has been to affirm my feelings about how I was treated and how the relationship evolved.  That is the best barometer of whether or not she was a good partner for me.

All this being said, you ex certainly exhibited strong traits of someone with such a disorder, and those traits resulted in some behaviors that would undermine any intimate relationship. And, if you have any doubt, just listen to his own self assessement:

Because my ex uBPD boyfriend told me that he is considering being with someone that he's not very passionate about just so that he can get married and have a family without having all the drama. It's basically impossible for him to be stable when he's really in love.

Hmmm... . not quite the basis for a lifelong, intimate relationship!  It is not "passion" that seems to trigger him, but closeness, proximity, intimacy in all its forms.  Probably not someone ideally suited for marriage and family life.  

[winston72]

My post crossed SB's!  I was too quick on the send button... .

[misssouthernbelle]

I wonder that myself. He always said that he was never happy unless he was in love. Sometimes he would be so cold, and ONE time I got him to admit that he felt like I did - crazy about him - but that the fact that I cared enough to get to know why he is the way he is scared him too much and also was comforting and meant the world to him at the same time. He told me that side of him was broken and rare.

He would never come over and sleep next to me. He would always say he wanted of, then spend the next 30 minutes making excuses, as we had a circular conversation about it. He wouldn't let himself. He would say he couldn't.

Four days after he told me that he never saw us being more than really, really good friends and painted me black because I got upset, I see a post where he said that he is sleeping in someone else's bed and wishing it was his (abusive) ex-girlfriend.

It makes me wonder if that's why he could never come sleep with me... . I knew the real side of him and it terrified him because it was real intimacy. Maybe? Or, wishful thinking? Plus, he's not over his ex.

I think it's forever a struggle for them. They want so bad to get close to someone, but ultimately hurt everyone they care about, copping out for someone they don't, just to get the appearance of intimacy and the closeness without the risk.

[tango1492]

Yes, it's really difficult. He's told me he's had the deepest connection with me ever. He's said that he's terrified of that. And that he knows he'd learn a lot from being with me... . but he just cannot handle it. He has deep depressions, major anxiety and panic attacks, and he's just unstable with me--I trigger him. It's so sad and disappointing. He tells me he wants to marry me one day, the next that he is so depressed he has no connection to anyone, the day after that he decides we're toxic for each other, and the day after that he's on match.com advertising that he's hoping for marriage and a family. It makes my head spin.

[Tausk]

Yes, it's really difficult. He's told me he's had the deepest connection with me ever. He's said that he's terrified of that. And that he knows he'd learn a lot from being with me... . but he just cannot handle it. He has deep depressions, major anxiety and panic attacks, and he's just unstable with me--I trigger him. It's so sad and disappointing. He tells me he wants to marry me one day, the next that he is so depressed he has no connection to anyone, the day after that he decides we're toxic for each other, and the day after that he's on match.com advertising that he's hoping for marriage and a family. It makes my head spin.

Ignore the words... . Only believe the actions.

He tells you that you have a deep connection... . He is negatively triggered by you.

He says he wants to marry you... . He advertises on Match.com

He believes the words that he is saying.  He is not lying.  But he cannot execute them.  He'll never be faithful to you.  He's a three-year old who says that he won't take anymore cookies (and he honestly believes it)... . but the first time you leave him alone in the kitchen he'll be sneaking them.  

He is mentally ill.  He has a Disorder.  And everyday that you stay in the Disorder you become more mentally ill.  

Depersonalize the interaction.  You are not special.  You are simply there to fill the need of him not being alone.  You could be anyone who is willing to endure his Disorder.   You don't help him by enabling the disorder.

You are worth more.  You deserve better... . that is, if you decide that you are.  

I know it's hard.  The board, counseling, and learning about yourself can teach you how.

[Mutt]

Ignore the words... . Only believe the actions.

Ignore the words, look at the actions. Within the actions lies the truth. This is so true tausk.

He believes the words that he is saying.  He is not lying.  But he cannot execute them.

It is their reality and it is very real to them.

[myself]

He tells you that you have a deep connection... . He is negatively triggered by you.

He believes the words that he is saying.  He is not lying.  

You are not special.  

The connection may be real, but it triggers an adverse response.

We're the mirror they project themselves into. They see the truth that is there.

We are special. The better the connection, the more we trigger them.