Bpd still having stuff at my house

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex-BPD gf who left me 2 1/2 months ago still have a lot of her stuff at my place (clothes, cookware,books). 2 weeks after the break u, her dad text me saying that he would come and pick them up after Jan 6. I broke NC 10 days ago in a moment of great anxiety. She started right away the name calling and saying that she didnt want to talk to me. I used communication techniques to finally be able to have a conversation with her. Even that she kept on with the anger even though she said that she has moved on and her wounds were healed. She s a pathological liar. Could talk about her lies for hours. She texted me 2 days later to know my availabilities to come and pick up her stuff. I told her that it was her dad that was supposed to come. She got mad and told me that it wasnt my problem who came and pick them up. I snapped at her for one of the first times im my life. Confronted her with 1% of her lies and told her to stop playing the victim (i heard that she was telling everybody how bad i treated her. She leaved 1 year at my house. I was paying everything even the food). She barely apologized and said that the wounds on her side were still opened and that it will take time to heal. She said that she s now a changed person. She did a lot of self thinking inthe laSt two months. Suggest her to go see a T it ll help her. She said that she was fine and she didt need my help. Later that week that she s already seeing someone else. Since then no news for her stuff. Do you think she is keeping her stuff just in case she wants to recycle or she wants to come with her new bf to humiliate me or else she know that i might know her secret?

[dzstyle]

My ex-BPD gf who left me 2 1/2 months ago still have a lot of her stuff at my place (clothes, cookware,books). 2 weeks after the break u, her dad text me saying that he would come and pick them up after Jan 6. I broke NC 10 days ago in a moment of great anxiety. She started right away the name calling and saying that she didnt want to talk to me. I used communication techniques to finally be able to have a conversation with her. Even that she kept on with the anger even though she said that she has moved on and her wounds were healed. She s a pathological liar. Could talk about her lies for hours. She texted me 2 days later to know my availabilities to come and pick up her stuff. I told her that it was her dad that was supposed to come. She got mad and told me that it wasnt my problem who came and pick them up. I snapped at her for one of the first times im my life. Confronted her with 1% of her lies and told her to stop playing the victim (i heard that she was telling everybody how bad i treated her. She leaved 1 year at my house. I was paying everything even the food). She barely apologized and said that the wounds on her side were still opened and that it will take time to heal. She said that she s now a changed person. She did a lot of self thinking inthe laSt two months. Suggest her to go see a T it ll help her. She said that she was fine and she didt need my help. Later that week that she s already seeing someone else. Since then no news for her stuff. Do you think she is keeping her stuff just in case she wants to recycle or she wants to come with her new bf to humiliate me or else she know that i might know her secret?

[santa]

My ex has a lot of stuff at my place too. I'd like to go throw it in a river. She's got a lot of my stuff too.

I don't see us doing any exchanges of stuff anytime soon.

[Mutt]

dzstyle, it's probably a good idea to get her stuff out. Two and half months is a long time. Leaving her things behind gives her a reason to interact with you, the same goes with the phone calls about her wanting her 'things' back, it's also opening it up for conflict and blaming.

[Tausk]

Is it possible for you to pack it up and just drop it off at her father's place?  It's somewhat of Triangulation, but it keeps you from having to interact with your ex wBPD.  

And it gets the stuff out of the house.  It's going to be very difficult to get her to come over for it.  It's not that she's playing games, but just looking at the stuff will be more than she is able to process. The whole situation doesn't make sense to her, and rightly or not, all she'll feel is abuse and abandonment as she reflects on your interactions from the past.

And as she said, she's moved on and forgotten... . for now.

Depersonalize the interactions and even better at this point minimize them.  You are simply a trigger for her at this point, and nothing you say, do, or intend can change that fact.  

Try and detach and be the "adult".   If the father isn't an option, does she have any friends that can opt in for her?  Again Triangulation, but it can provide you some closure.    You hang in there.

It sucks and it's painful and it's the Disorder.  Clearing the wreckage is the first step and you're doing it.

[dzstyle]

The dad option is still on but they parent dont seem to care that much about her stuff.I was more thinking to confront her when she finally comes and decide to pick them up or if she comes with her new bf to confront her about everything bad she done to me. I gave so much to this girl. All her friends where jealous the way I was treating her.  And what bugs me it s everytime i had contact with her, she d say different things about her one time that she moved on and when confronting her that she is still healing her wounds.

[free-n-clear]

The dad option is still on... .

     Best thing to do is take the stuff to her parents' place, be civil and polite about it, and move on. You won't get any closure from confronting her about anything, least of all about how much you've done for her, spent on her or given up for her. All she'll do is twist what you say and use it as more ammunition when she's painting you black to anyone who'll listen.

     

[Mutt]

The dad option is still on but they parent dont seem to care that much about her stuff.I was more thinking to confront her when she finally comes and decide to pick them up or if she comes with her new bf to confront her about everything bad she done to me.

I would suggest finding another way of getting her things removed. Getting rid of reminders will help you with detaching and it keeps the door closed for excuses for her. Unfortunately, she won't understand her part on this. She had a different view than yours about the r/s. I understand the intention and the pain and giving so much to someone and they don't appreciate what you have done. Pour those feelings into a letter and file that letter away, or burn it. Seeing the new bf is going to trigger feelings from you, I would suggest to give it time, seeing him isn't something that's going to make you feel better.

And what bugs me it s everytime i had contact with her, she d say different things about her one time that she moved on and when confronting her that she is still healing her wounds.

I don't understand what you mean here, can you explain this?

[dzstyle]

The two times we had contact since the breakup she would tell different things about her moving on. One time she was completely over the r/p and the other time when i confronted her she needed time to heal the wounds. Also,at one point she says she never felt that good that she exercices everyday and 2 minutes later she tells me that she is taking sleeping pills.

[NoCRV]

Hi Dzstyle,

If it doesn't weigh to much, can you mail it to her parents?  I never got my stuff back from the BPDex, just considered it a loss.  Confronting her will do you no good and it sounds like any contact seems to have the same effect.

[Tausk]

The dad option is still on but they parent dont seem to care that much about her stuff.I was more thinking to confront her when she finally comes and decide to pick them up or if she comes with her new bf to confront her about everything bad she done to me. I gave so much to this girl. All her friends where jealous the way I was treating her.  And what bugs me it s everytime i had contact with her, she d say different things about her one time that she moved on and when confronting her that she is still healing her wounds.

It's your choice, but if your ex has BPD, the confrontation won't help. In fact with her new source of idolization (new boyfriend), you'll be the villain and he'll be the rescuer.  He's been mirrored and is lost in the idealization.  Remember when you were.   Think about how gallant and chivalrous you were as you finally found the one who understood you and who you could save from the terrors of being alone in this world.

You want her to take responsibility. To acknowledge her faults.  To apologize.  or At least give you credit for trying to be a good man.   AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.  No way, no how.  Not because she won't but because she can't.  It's a Disorder.  Or put another way, it's Bat Sht Crazy.  

It's a bad idea to have her and her new guy there.  If it does happen, you should not be alone.  Get as many other people there to make it go quickly and with as little chance for conflict as possible. In fact, leave your friends there, and you get out of town for the day.

Because what you are describing is a world of possible conflict and drama.  BE SAFE.  What you are describing is not really safe.  It's itching for a fight... . maybe even a gun fight.  I hope not, but when emotions are this high, rationality goes out the door.

It's you life. These are suggestions from people who have been there.  You are the sane one. You are the responsible adult.  Her new boyfriend honestly believes your ex is an angel and you are the devil.  It may not be right, but it's the facts.

Now do you want revenge.  :)o you want drama. Do you want to be tied to the past.  :)o you want further destruction in you life?  Because if you engage in any type of game playing, ulterior motive, or manipulation it will only go bad.  The Disorder always wins.  

Believe us, we know. We've seen it all before.

But do you want to heal. Do you want to move on.  :)o you want to stop obsessing, and feeling like a victim, or wondering how she could have blamed you, discarded you, and found a new replacement... . or why you need to stalk her, or why you feel so much despair, and ... .  

Then depersonalize the process.  Radically accept it's a Disorder.  And BE SAFE.  

So if nothing else, if the move is going happen with her new bf there, then have at least a few of your friends to go as buffers.

We understand.  It's not right.  It's not fair.  And it hurts like hell.  We've been there.  I hope you can find it in yourself to be open minded to the suggestions on the board.

In support

T

And keep sharing on the Board.  Let it out.  Bounce ideas.  

[dzstyle]

The dad option is still on... .

     Best thing to do is take the stuff to her parents' place, be civil and polite about it, and move on. You won't get any closure from confronting her about anything, least of all about how much you've done for her, spent on her or given up for her. All she'll do is twist what you say and use it as more ammunition when she's painting you black to anyone who'll listen.

Her parents are totally on my side. After the breakup, her dad invited me for lunch and told me that with time what happened was probably the best thing that will happen in my life. Her mom still texts me from time to time. I told her that she most probably has BPD. She wasnt even surprised. She said she actually read about the subject but i think she doesnt understand that the disease is really bad. She told me that for now her daughter is feeling well because they had a lot of talks together but in a few months she will start talking her about therapy.I told her to read the book walking on eggshells. She told am starting to realize it. But what keeps me still thinking about her is my anxiety. If i can control that, the process will be a lot easier

     

[ShadowDancer]

Upon the instance of the very first excuse, without a word to her, I called a moving service that very day, paid the well spent money, and had her stuff delivered to her within 48 hours. SURPRISE! Problem solved. Aint I the gentleman.

[Mutt]

You want her to take responsibility. To acknowledge her faults.  To apologize.  or At least give you credit for trying to be a good man.   AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.  No way, no how.  Not because she won't but because she can't.  It's a Disorder.  Or put another way, it's Bat Sht Crazy.

There is a logical reason why you can't seem to get through to your ex-parnter because it is a defense mechanism.

Projection is one of the core attributes of the disorder. I'm not sure if you are familiar on it dzstyle, but you can read the following link on BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection You'll instantly get a better understanding and you'll become proficient over time.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

[dzstyle]

Hi Dzstyle,

If it doesn't weigh to much, can you mail it to her parents?  I never got my stuff back from the BPDex, just considered it a loss.  Confronting her will do you no good and it sounds like any contact seems to have the same effect.

She has 3 or 4 big boxes + a suitcase basically all her summer clothes plus some coats and accessories.

[dzstyle]

The dad option is still on but they parent dont seem to care that much about her stuff.I was more thinking to confront her when she finally comes and decide to pick them up or if she comes with her new bf to confront her about everything bad she done to me. I gave so much to this girl. All her friends where jealous the way I was treating her.  And what bugs me it s everytime i had contact with her, she d say different things about her one time that she moved on and when confronting her that she is still healing her wounds.

It's your choice, but if your ex has BPD, the confrontation won't help. In fact with her new source of idolization (new boyfriend), you'll be the villain and he'll be the rescuer.  He's been mirrored and is lost in the idealization.  Remember when you were.   Think about how gallant and chivalrous you were as you finally found the one who understood you and who you could save from the terrors of being alone in this world.

You want her to take responsibility. To acknowledge her faults.  To apologize.  or At least give you credit for trying to be a good man.   AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.  No way, no how.  Not because she won't but because she can't.  It's a Disorder.  Or put another way, it's Bat Sht Crazy.  

It's a bad idea to have her and her new guy there.  If it does happen, you should not be alone.  Get as many other people there to make it go quickly and with as little chance for conflict as possible. In fact, leave your friends there, and you get out of town for the day.

Because what you are describing is a world of possible conflict and drama.  BE SAFE.  What you are describing is not really safe.  It's itching for a fight... . maybe even a gun fight.  I hope not, but when emotions are this high, rationality goes out the door.

It's you life. These are suggestions from people who have been there.  You are the sane one. You are the responsible adult.  Her new boyfriend honestly believes your ex is an angel and you are the devil.  It may not be right, but it's the facts.

Now do you want revenge.  :)o you want drama. Do you want to be tied to the past.  :)o you want further destruction in you life?  Because if you engage in any type of game playing, ulterior motive, or manipulation it will only go bad.  The Disorder always wins.  

Believe us, we know. We've seen it all before.

But do you want to heal. Do you want to move on.  :)o you want to stop obsessing, and feeling like a victim, or wondering how she could have blamed you, discarded you, and found a new replacement... . or why you need to stalk her, or why you feel so much despair, and ... .  

Then depersonalize the process.  Radically accept it's a Disorder.  And BE SAFE.  

So if nothing else, if the move is going happen with her new bf there, then have at least a few of your friends to go as buffers.

We understand.  It's not right.  It's not fair.  And it hurts like hell.  We've been there.  I hope you can find it in yourself to be open minded to the suggestions on the board.



And keep sharing on the Board.  Let it out.  Bounce ideas.  

Thanks a lot for your words tausk. I started seeing a T for my anxiety problems (discovered i had social anxiety). He told me right away after the first session that she had BPD. For the moment, i think i should focus on healing and taking care of my anxiety problem. Tonight i gathered all her stuff and put it in my locker downstairs so at least it is out of my sight. Other question, for her bday, i got her tickets first row for Justin Timberlake 300$ each. When i found out about her BPD, i called to reprint new tickets that i kept. I feel i bit bad about it. Did I do the right thing?

[seeking balance]

Hi Dzstyle,

If it doesn't weigh to much, can you mail it to her parents?  I never got my stuff back from the BPDex, just considered it a loss.  Confronting her will do you no good and it sounds like any contact seems to have the same effect.

She has 3 or 4 big boxes + a suitcase basically all her summer clothes plus some coats and accessories.

I have been through this myself and I have seen this topic on these boards often - definitely a top 10.

So, taking BPD as being about attachment and control - let's give your ex the feeling of control.  It really does help in terms of thinking like talking to a 3 year old.

"Hey ex, you still have about 4 big boxes and a suitcase here - would Tuesday or Wednesday work better for you to pick this up?"  No matter what she says next (likely Thursday) say, "ok great - 2 or 4pm?"  again, no matter what she says, your answer is "great"  then follow up with FYI I will be there at the requested day and time.  If you do not make it then, I will go ahead and donate this to "pick a charity".

she will be mad, but, she will pick them up or not and you then can have this issue done.

I know it isn't fair and takes the patience of a saint - you are in the downhill stretch, focus on the goal.

Peace,

SB

[dzstyle]

Hi Dzstyle,

If it doesn't weigh to much, can you mail it to her parents?  I never got my stuff back from the BPDex, just considered it a loss.  Confronting her will do you no good and it sounds like any contact seems to have the same effect.

She has 3 or 4 big boxes + a suitcase basically all her summer clothes plus some coats and accessories.

I have been through this myself and I have seen this topic on these boards often - definitely a top 10.

So, taking BPD as being about attachment and control - let's give your ex the feeling of control.  It really does help in terms of thinking like talking to a 3 year old.

"Hey ex, you still have about 4 big boxes and a suitcase here - would Tuesday or Wednesday work better for you to pick this up?"  No matter what she says next (likely Thursday) say, "ok great - 2 or 4pm?"  again, no matter what she says, your answer is "great"  then follow up with FYI I will be there at the requested day and time.  If you do not make it then, I will go ahead and donate this to "pick a charity".

she will be mad, but, she will pick them up or not and you then can have this issue done.

I know it isn't fair and takes the patience of a saint - you are in the downhill stretch, focus on the goal.

Peace,

SB

That is what I did last time when she texted me told her thursday,saturday and sunday. It was before I confronted her about her lies.

[free-n-clear]

i got ... . tickets first row for Justin Timberlake 300$ each. Did I do the right thing?

  Could be worse. Could've been Justin Bieber tickets. 

[dzstyle]

Finally the stuff issue is solved. Got a text message from her dad yesterday telling me that he could only pick up her stuff after March 15 which will be over 3 months we are not together. Got mad when I got the text (since I started therapy and after the b/c I find i get angry a lot easier) I used to be a very calm person who snaps once a year max. I called my ex and told her to explain the situation because a month earlier she said she didn't want me to have contact with her family and as last time we had a fairly friendly (she blocked me on fb meanwhile) conversation and that afterwords I didn't get any new from her for the stuff. She said that we shouldn't talk right now because I hurt her so much the last year we were together (still with no explanations or facts whatsoever). Snapped again and started telling her off her lies. Still sweared that she didn't lie (typical bs). when I told her that I spoke to her ex and that they had the same r/s pattern than us, she just hung up on me. Called her dad this morning to fix the stuff issue. He told me that best thing is to stay N/C that they are working on her so she gets treated. I feel terrible... . it's like my anger got over me even though I knew that the person I knew 3 months ago is still the same. She didnt change but in the same time, I can get off my mind the fact that if one day she gets treated I want to get back in touch with her :S

[dzstyle]

I tried to explain the dad how NC was hard to keep. He said that he understood and that he wouldn't have took the time to answer my phone if he knew that I wasnt a good guy. Best advice he gave me was to move on and that they will let me know when she ll start being treated.

[seeking balance]

I tried to explain the dad how NC was hard to keep. He said that he understood and that he wouldn't have took the time to answer my phone if he knew that I wasnt a good guy. Best advice he gave me was to move on and that they will let me know when she ll start being treated.

He was kind to you and gave you very wise advise - let him deal with his daughter.

Try this  - get a breakup buddy.  Someone you call instead of her.  Ask a trusted friend if they would be this person for you.  Having a plan on how you will react helps when the powerful emotions hit.

The other option is to come here and post, but you will have to accept there may be a delay in your response... . this could be your backup plan.

Hang in there!

[dzstyle]

I am really mad against me to have failed again. I was doing good the last 2 weeks. Started to a girl I just met (nothing serious but to change my mind). My sleep was getting better and now I feel like I have to start from the bottom. The only thing that bothers me is that I am still clinging to the idea that she was the one (she told me that so many times that I started believing it) and I still daydream about us coming back together in a few years, even though I know It is totally wrong (who would like to live with a compulsive liar)